Page 2 | I'm not 100% sure it's the right one

Kafta · 2022-11-14T17:41:01+00:00

But I don't know why. I'm currently buying a 'dream' house, it's quite a huge purchase for me & DH, complete lifestyle change (city to rural) which we've planned for years. It will offer lots of opportunity. On paper it ticks most of the boxes. It's not the dream house that I had in my head, but it definitely has lots of potential. Why do I have this nagging sense of uncertainty and wanting to pull out? Has anyone else had this too? I'm wondering if it's just the fact it's a big change. I'm not 100% sure it's the right one but I have no idea why.

Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 15/11/2022 08:01

ShirleyHolmes · 15/11/2022 07:54

Hmm , I spent 4 years living rurally for a partner. It wasn’t for me. I didn’t like having to walk everywhere on roads (no pavements) and in fact, you had to drive for all proper walks.
I did try to get involved in the community but I was very different, - it was a traditional Welsh farming community and I was a MC, English and gay - and I just wasn’t welcomed.
What I found the hardest was the sense of having no friends yet everyone knowing your business and the lack of anonymity.
After 4 years we moved to the nearest small city where I am very happy and settled, with lots of friends.
Strangely, I feel that I have my privacy more because Mrs X from down the road hasn’t been told the details of my deliveries from the postie, and so so!

Just be sure, it’s a big thing to get wrong. And it can be harder to sell rural properties IME.

This is a really good point regarding anonymity. I hadn't thought of it this way.

Batcountry8 · 15/11/2022 08:03

I understand you're thinking of all the positives for him but what about for you.

How old is he, how has his mental health been in the time you've been together?
What is your living set up currently.

It's best to pinpoint what's making him sad etc first.

Sometime a complete change seems the obvious solution and yes it can work well.
Yet issues travel with you, I'd be very wary of him just getting further depressed and isolated.
Taking you down with him.

Your needs matter and perhaps it's not the right home for you as a couple.

determinedtomakethiswork · 15/11/2022 08:07

He might feel better living in the middle of nowhere and he might not. You certainly wouldn't. Honestly, I would cancel this one. The location is key and it has to be for both of you as you're both going to be living there.

Newnamefor2021 · 15/11/2022 08:08

Honesty I feel nervous for you. It sounds like a huge change and is it even financially viable? You say you're giving up you job and will need to find a new one and he just works part time.

I like privacy too but it's a little worrying the insistence on this total isolation.

It sounds like you are making all the compromises here and if you express any doubts he tells you that you will be fine. It sounds all very one sided and all about his wants.

Crucible · 15/11/2022 08:14

Yep sorry this is waaaay too tipped in your DHs balance. A house and it's location cannot be so tipped in favour of one partner. It may solve one set of problems but it looks like it will bring a whole lot of others - which cancels out the benefit. Good luck. Rural moves tend to work about 1 in 50 times for towny types. Sounds like you are one...

toastfiend · 15/11/2022 08:23

You keep calling your DH a "sensitive soul", but it doesn't sound like he's being remotely sensitive to your needs in all this? Him telling you you'll be fine so he can continue to pursue a plan that only appears to work for him doesn't actually mean you'll be fine. As others have said, living that remotely may actually throw you together more, and I would be very reluctant to give up a job I like with colleagues I will miss without being certain this is the right move in all other ways, which you obviously aren't.

I grew up in an isolated position on acres of land like your DH. I found adjusting to living on a new build estate when we first bought very difficult and it did affect my mental health. We've recently moved again to our "dream home" and I'd love to live totally remotely but my DH would hate it, he'd love to live in a town but I'd hate it. We've compromised on a lovely, peaceful village with open countryside a few mins walk in any direction, but all the amenities (shop, pub, Church, post office, various sports and social clubs) also within a few mins walk, so we're both happy. I'd be looking at an option like this in your position, tbh.

Minimalme · 15/11/2022 08:26

You mention that you don't want dh to be unhappy, but he seemingly doesn't feel the same about you?

When he expressed doubts about previous houses you looked at, you kept up the search. Now you have doubts, but he tell you it will be fine.

And it will be fine. For him. Not you.

If you are planning on making friends in a new area, you will need to factor in him because he doesn't have his own social live and will want to tag along.

That will make socialising extremely difficult, given he is an introvert.

How long have you been together and how old are you?

This has isolation and suffocation written all over it.

Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 15/11/2022 08:32

Bottom line is with any major move, if something happened whereby you would be there by yourself, would it be the location and lifestyle you'd want to have for yourself?

OldWivesTale · 15/11/2022 08:53

ShirleyHolmes · 15/11/2022 07:54

Hmm , I spent 4 years living rurally for a partner. It wasn’t for me. I didn’t like having to walk everywhere on roads (no pavements) and in fact, you had to drive for all proper walks.
I did try to get involved in the community but I was very different, - it was a traditional Welsh farming community and I was a MC, English and gay - and I just wasn’t welcomed.
What I found the hardest was the sense of having no friends yet everyone knowing your business and the lack of anonymity.
After 4 years we moved to the nearest small city where I am very happy and settled, with lots of friends.
Strangely, I feel that I have my privacy more because Mrs X from down the road hasn’t been told the details of my deliveries from the postie, and so so!

Just be sure, it’s a big thing to get wrong. And it can be harder to sell rural properties IME.

Oh God, yes, I can relate to this! I had a very similar experience in an isolated Welsh farming community. The nosiness and gossiping was horrific. I also had a baby and toddler there and felt even more trapped and isolated.

OP, it's really difficult. I did something very similar to you in order to appease dh (not the Welsh farmhouse but somewhere semi rural with no immediate neighbours) and I never managed to settle there. We were there for 7 years in total and it never felt like home. I think it also caused resentment because I felt that it was all what dh wanted. I hated not being able to walk anywhere. And we were less than 5 mins from a town. So I'd think very carefully. Being isolated can sound romantic but the reality is very different.