Teen / tween DC not happy about moving house

[Wigeon]

DD (14) and DD (11) are struggling with the fact we’ve moving house soon. The younger one has only ever lived in our current house, and we moved here when the older one was a toddler, so she can’t remember anywhere else. We’re upsizing from our 2.5 bed with one loo and one shower to a 4 bed with two showers and three loos, and generally more space. It’s in the same town, only less than a 10 min drive from where we currently live, so they aren’t changing school, and we’ll still be close to their friends, albeit very slightly further from some of them.

Neither of them want to move, the 11 year old says that she can’t bear the thought of never coming back to our (current) house, that where we currently live is home. We went round to the new house last night so they could get a bit more used to it, but it just set the older one off too - she hates the decor of her new room and some of the other rooms (it’s fine, just not her taste), she doesn’t think it feels like home and both of them were in tears when we got back to our current house!

Obviously we’ve tried to reassure them, said that home is where your family is, not four walls, that it will feel more like our home once the current owners’ furniture is gone and all stuff is there, talked about some of the positives (to them) of the new house (more room for friends to come on sleepovers! People not arguing about access to the bathrooms in the mornings! They can decorate their new rooms!), but they’re both still sad.

Anyone had the same? How did you help them through it?

Emphasise the positives and reiterate they can decorate their rooms.
They'll get used to the change in time, especially when all your things are there.
We moved when our children were 7 and 11.
The 7 year old was a bit wobbly but the excitement of new everything got them over the hump.
Let them moan but don't take it to heart.
Be a bit sympathetic but don't buy into their drama.

I wouldn’t worry too much. I remember telling my mum that I was refusing to move and was stopping in our house when I was 11. We were moving out of the house I had always lived in to a big detached house with my own room.
mum just said stay here then, not sure what the new people will think though. I was over it a day after we moved in!
in fairness I wouldn’t make a big deal about it, it’s what is happening in your family and that is that.

I suggest having a house-warming party with their friends maybe after the decorating has been done in their rooms so they feel positive about their space.

It’s completely understandable they feel this way. It’s hard to picture an empty house as ‘home’. Our children were the same with moving, but they love it now.

Don’t worry, once they get their possessions in and redecorate, it will start to feel familiar and homely for them again.

It’s just a big change.

Good luck with the move.

I sort of had this when we moved this year. My kids were all happy to move, the boys particularly as it meant they got their own rooms.

My DD (11) seemed excited, but then on the day had an absolute meltdown on the way home from school. She had only ever known the one house too, and she was in flood of tears. We got her room made up as quickly as possible, so it felt more like home. But we did have a week of tears on an off.

At least you have pre warning that yours will probably react this way.

You just need to keep reassuring them that it is not going to change their lives hugely, and reiterate positives of having a bigger house.

I moved a lot as a child (df in the military). What helped was some semblance of choice, I.e. decorations if possible for my room, which room and so on. If we moving somewhere decorating wasn't an option such as military quarters abroad, I'd get to pick an item for my new room. I would go down the "your feelings are valid but" root. Certainly my parents ignoring my feelings did not improve the situation one little bit. Are there other positives besides more space? Closer to school? Shops, amenities that they like?

It's normal to feel sadness about leaving a home with lots of good memories. Listening to their feelings without trying to fix them, just acknowleding those things feel hard, can go a long way.

I'd also talk to them about finding a way to take the happy memories with them, maybe by making a photo album or a video project. You might also take practical steps for decorating their new bedrooms, get them to choose color schemes, paint samples, etc, and if your kids are social they might like to plan a house warming.
I'd also explain it is normal for change to feel uncomfortable when you are anticipating the change but you don't know exactly what it will be like yet. This happens through life whenever there is uncertainty, eg. Job hunting, flat hunting, etc. Often times it is just a matter of getting through to the other side and knowing it will be easier one the change has happened.

They’ll be ok. We’ve just done except we’ve downsized to a renovation project so mine have gone from spacious, well decorated house to small house that currently is a total hole!

They do miss the old house but generally speaking they’re not too traumatised. Just get broadband sorted for the day you move in, over compensate with macdonalds and lifts everywhere at anytime and you’ll be grand.

I remember feeling like this when I moved house when I was 7. On the day of moving by the time I got home from school my parents had my bed set up with my quilt (and favourite quilt cover) and my all my cuddly toys nicely tucked in. It made it all feel much better.

It was only as an adult that I realised that they probably had a million things to do that were more important than tucking Teddy in. But they did it anyway.

Obviously your kids are older. But getting your bed set up is probably still the main thing that makes somewhere feel like a home.

I'd take it as a positive that you've created a happy secure family home for them. Change is always scary, but they have to go through this to realise that the home is where the family is and that the old home won't be replaced and they may still be nostalgic for it (as some people are for primary school or holiday places) but that the thing that they really love and need is there in the new house too. Plus they're getting older and it'll be helpful to have less attachment to their childhood home or at least more sense that they can create new attachments and that's progress, not ossifying. It would be much harder if you were moving further away and they were changing schools. This is a small move and an upgrade and they'll see the benefits before long. This will largely be fear of the unknown, which is a good thing to face and come through.

Maybe take lots of photos to look at? Not all with them there .Then you will be able to look back and laugh at the good time there .I think they will be OK TBH .I really hate change and always have .My parents moved from Inner London to a village in Dorset when I was 13 .Was not happy,but settled in and found new friends and a new School.Years later cant imagine living in London now (although I love going up for visits )Live in the Burbs now! in Hampshire .

Do you have any photos to hand of all the houses you have lived in? ie with my parents I lived in 3 houses, with Dh 5 houses. For Ds1 this is his 3rd house, Ds2 it's his second house. Talk to them about the house moves, the good and the bad. This current house is all they know. It is overwhelming to leave behind all that familiarity and you can talk about what they love about this current house. Make a plan with them as to what they feel will make the new house more like home. Also if you are redecorating consider plug sockets and one for your Christmas tree lights to go into.

When we were moving to this house my children were 6 and 3 and so we decorated Ds2's room exactly the same way he had it at the previous house so that at least one room here felt familiar. We did the same with Ds1's room a week later. Since then we have redone every single room.

It’s so hard isn’t it. My boys are 15 and 18 and the house we currently live in is all they’ve ever known. They are excited about the move because it means a bigger bedroom each and more bathrooms. Like you we are moving from a 3 bed (3rd bedroom being a tiny box room) with 1 bathroom to a 4 bed with 3 toilets. Fortunately it’s closer to school and a lot of their friends but I do wonder whether there will be any wobbles when we actually leave.

i remember moving house at age 10 and my parents let me choose my own room but it wasn’t decorated how much old bedroom had been and it didn’t feel like home straight away but I did adjust. They will be ok and like you say home is where family is

They'll be fine. You need to be firm, "I'm sorry you're sad but this is happening, it's the best thing for the family and it's the best thing for mummy and daddy and our feelings count".
My parents moved when I was 8 and sister was 13, we were really upset and cried buckets, but all that soon disappeared when moving day came round with the excitement of the new house. I drive past my old house from time to time and I'm glad we moved, my parents are still in the 'new' house, 46 years later, lol

Thanks so much for all the replies - I think part of the issue is my own worries about moving - although I'm sure it's the right thing to do, and there is a lot of positives about the house, it's going to be more expensive (eg mortgage payments will be bigger, heating bills, maintaining a much older house than our current house), and there are various things the survey showed up which aren't showstoppers but provide a lovely long list of boring things to spend our money on...!

We're definitely listening and validating feelings but emphasising that it WILL all be ok in the end, they'll definitely feel like it's home fairly quickly etc. But there are still tears!

@Pinkdelight3 , that helps in terms of thinking about the attachment side of it - at primary school the 11 year old had to write where she felt safe, and wrote "my bed" which I thought was lovely actually, and she was saying how much she likes the feeling of coming home from holiday to her home. They are both really secure and happy in our current home, but mistakenly think it's about the house itself...

@Pr1mr0se - a housewarming party for their friends is a great idea! I'd only thought about OUR friends!😁Planning stuff like "what food/ drinks to have" at a party I think will definitely get them feeling a bit more positive. @3487642l a memories thing sounds lovely, I think they'd like to do that. Will definitely let them plan the re-decoration of their rooms (I don't think either will want something too radical).

@LadyDanburysHat - yes, the 11 year old keeps saying "so I'll have to go to school on move day and leave our house FOREVER and come back to the WRONG HOUSE!" <sob> Good to know that your DD didn't immediately love the new house, good to be prepared....

@Dinosauratemydaffodils - one of the downsides of the house is that it's actually slightly further from school, and they already cycle a bit of a distance to get to school. But it's nearer the town centre, the train station, a very nice Thai (!), and still walking / cycling distance to loads of their friends. Just not 1-2 mins walk from a couple of friends from their local primary...One of the younger DD's positives though was more room to dance around her bedroom to music (she's in the tiny box room at the mo), so we'll be reminding her about that!

@SnarkyBag - "overcompensate with macdonalds" 😁- YES - they know it's a treat and tbh bribery with McD would go a long way!!

@Mumoftwoinprimary , that's so sweet about your parents tucking teddy in. We will definitely prioritise making their rooms ok for when they get back from school on move day.

@Dorestatua - re all the houses DH and I have lived in - we totted up all the places we have lived and told the DDs, to help with reassuring them that you can be happy wherever you live. Hopefully they'll start to believe us, deep down...

I think they’ll be ok OP. I moved a lot as a child so never thought much of it, but last year we moved from a home which has honestly felt like my first proper ‘home’ where it felt like mine, and although we had very good reasons to move and our new house was an upgrade I was really really sad. I couldn’t fathom having the same feelings about somewhere else, and it made me sad that I would eventually forget the feeling of being there.

We have been here for 18 months now and it’s taken time but now I really couldn’t imagine being anywhere else. Just let them know that their feelings are valid and that they will likely grow to love the new place just as much, and it’s exciting being able to decorate/furnish things differently.

My 11 year old actually chose to go to school. I did say she could stay off, as it was a bit of a pain having to drive her and would have been easier for her to stay off.

It sounds like they'll be fine. With mine, their own beds with their own things were definitely helpful. I put some of their most beloved picture books on their beds even though they'd outgrown them as they sort of regressed a little before we moved - so basically, anything comforting. And I second a moving-in or house warming party. Make it seem like a fun adventure you're all in together and give them some tasks so they feel invested/as if they're being useful. It will be fine, good luck in your new home.

We moved over the summer about 5 miles from our old house (other side of town)

we didn’t tell the kids straight away that we were planning on selling and were able to show them the empty house once we’d moved our stuff. Once all your stuff is gone it stops being your home and is a house.

We were in our house for 17 years and decided to move over the course of a weekend as my neighbours were making my life a misery, but had to move slowly with the kids. Once the internet was gone they stopped wanting to visit. We’re going to have a final picnic there soon once the contracts are signed.

Watch InsideOut together - the core story is a teen moving house & dealing with the feelings of it.

Mine are much older and moving to a project, and they are being given a budget to do their rooms, complete freedom with style etc.

They are excited and nervous and are much older I think it's totally normal to feel displaced for a few weeks. I know I will..

I moved house many many times as a child. Pros and cons.

This sounds so odd to me - not that they’re nostalgic but that you’re so worried about their reaction when you’re only moving down the road and they’re not even changing school.

We moved recently. Much closer to the kids school which was better as it meant we could walk and not drive and could get up a bit later. House is bigger, nicer area. Dd 7 was excited but ds9 was upset by it. He accepted that it was happening but said he felt really sad about leaving the old house and said he was going to buy it when he was a grown up. I remember saying the same when I moved house aged 11- that I would buy my house as a grown up (I didn’t 😂).

we just made sure to get the kids rooms ready for them with their beds all sorted when we moved. And we have decorated their rooms first too. They’ve liked choosing colours and bed covers. As times gone on ds has completely stopped mentioning the old house and loves being able to walk to school. They adapt. It’ll be a rough few weeks at first but they’ll get there

Oh yes! I saw it a while ago, but forgot it’s about a house move. Nice idea.

Well, obviously I don’t want them to be upset about a choice DH and I have made, and probably there’s part of me also worrying if it’s all going to be ok (especially around the additional costs). But overall I do think it’s the right thing to do for our family, and that they will be happy in the new house. And appreciate that there are far bigger changes which children go through - eg we know at least two families who moved abroad, to non-English speaking countries, which is obviously a much bigger deal!