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Original poster

Help! I feel sick

56 replies

Spicky2000 · 27/10/2022 10:51

Background:
moved into new property (upgrade from previous one), knew it needed work doing eg new boiler, new bathroom, new flooring and decorating so budgeted for that.

Had various building work done, and was told that the roof tiles had moved/cracked and could be fixed/re-pointed for around £900 (only about £100 of that was materials) but could afford this.
Mentioned this to my mother over the phone and she said something along the lines of why would you do that, you might as well get a new roof and then at least it’s done properly and will last. I replied a new roof would be lovely but I can’t afford that (knowing it would be a lot more than £900). Mother dearest said to get a quote to see what the price difference would be - quote came in at £8000…which I couldn’t afford with everything else to pay for. Told my mother and said I’m just going to pay £900 for the roof to be fixed, she then offered to pay for the roof basically saying it would be my money eventually (it would be from my inheritance) so I might as well have it now when I needed it. Now, I would never have asked for her to pay for the roof but as she offered and was insistent I accepted the offer. I completed the agreement with the roofing company and before returning it, I double checked with my mother to see if she definitely was happy to pay for it and she said yes. Happy days!

This was a few months ago as we had to wait for a slot as the roofers were booked up - they estimated it would be October/November time. They turned up today and left some materials - not spoken to them, didn’t need to as they’ve already quoted and know what needs doing. Called my mother to say they’d arrived for her to say she hasn’t got the money, she asked how much it was! I said I’d shown her the quote months ago - she said yeah you probably did but a lot has happened since then! OMG what do I do now?! I wanted to lose my temper with her but what’s the point. I don’t know how I kept calm but I did.

I FEEL SICK and don’t know what to do. How could she do this, this isn’t normal is it?

I’m not really expecting anyone to be able to offer advice, I just needed to write it down. I’ve not got a big family to turn to, just need someone to listen really. I work but on a tight budget, I’ve saved to get kids stuff for xmas (not £8000!).

OP posts:
TinaYouFatLard · 27/10/2022 14:59

That’s not thoughtless, it’s bloody psychotic.

TerraNostra · 27/10/2022 15:03

Oh wow. Your Mum has behaved appallingly.

Roofers (and scaffolders) are in very high demand; it will be a difficult conversation but it's unlikely to cause them much in the way of financial hit as I bet they can offer the cancellation to someone else who will be delighted. But you need to be honest as soon as possible.

Would the scaffolding have been needed for the cheaper fix anyway? If they can just do that work then might not be a wasted cost, however they'd be within their rights to refuse to do even the £900 job for you without payment up front, given you will have just told them you are short of money.

pilates · 27/10/2022 15:03

That is disgusting. I think I would have gone ballistic at my mum for doing that and wouldn’t speak to her again. You need to phone the roofing company ASAP and tell them the truth.

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 27/10/2022 15:04

@Spicky2000

My mum does this sort of shit,well did.

Not for that amount but for many things over the years.

She would insist on helping towards something and then back out saying well il take it out of the kids birthday money or whatever excuse she could think of.

When my kids were little she used to tell them she would take them to Disneyland ShockHmm

I would play it down with the kids and then have to ask her not to promise them things etc

Now if she ever offers anything I say no thank you even if she insists because there's nothing worse than suddenly having to scrabble round looking for the money.

Original poster
Spicky2000 · 27/10/2022 15:57

@wtfisgoingonhere21

my mum asked me earlier if the kids had any money in their savings account I could use! Sounds like ours are similar.

OP posts:
ThorsBedazzler · 27/10/2022 16:37

My FIL did this to us when we were buying a house about 12 years ago. He promised £25,000 that would get us down to the next loan to value band. We had saved the same amount ourselves, hadn't asked him, he offered.

Until it came to him actually giving us the money. He decided that he didn't like the house so reneged on the offer about a month before move date once all legal docs had been signed. Another family member stepped in to help, thankfully they were able to, but I felt sick. Absolutely sick.

In your shoes @Spicky2000 I would see if the builders could do the cheaper fix. But you have my sympathies.

Eastie77Returns · 27/10/2022 18:01

Why do parents do this? I can’t work it out.

I was on a long running MN thread with other buyers when I was purchasing my house earlier this year and mentioned that ‘D’F had offered to pay my Stamp Duty. I refused as he has form with my siblings for making these kinds of gestures and and then withdrawing the offer. He kept insisting and messaging me with pictures of his bank balance to show how much money he has (wtf). So eventually I agreed just to keep him quiet. He insisted I go to his house to help him transfer the funds a few days before Exchange. When I arrived he made a big show of getting his laptop out to do the transfer and then suddenly announced he would only give me £3k. No explanation.

Luckily I was expecting his fuckery and had the full SD amount saved. He looked disappointed when I informed him I didn’t need a penny from him. I truly believe he was hoping my house purchase would collapse.

ThorsBedazzler · 27/10/2022 18:12

Control. That's why they do it.

SquishyGloopyBum · 27/10/2022 18:40

You need to call her out on it op.

I'm sorry you are in this situation.

KendrickLamaze · 27/10/2022 23:00

I think she still has the money but is backing out for some reason. Be it the cost of living crisis or just not wanting to part with it.

I don't know if it makes you feel any better but my dad did this to me once with a car. At uni, he promised me once I finished, he would buy me a car. Nothing extreme but a solid reliable car. I finished and my car broke just as I needed to go to a family event (other side of the family) so I asked him if the deal stood. He said yes so I went car shopping. Checked in with him every step of the way. He gave the OK. I gave the deposit and checked again. As I'm collecting it, he said he wanted to give this after I had actually graduated. My mum had to step in to cover the difference and he promised to pay after graduation. By then he said well you're mums paid, why would I. About 15 years later, I was buying another car and said I was taking a loan. He said he would pay and I would pay him back interest free. I was unsure but he promised it would be ok. A few days later I said how much and he said "oh I was thinking this amount" which was half and he went so weird I decided to never borrow from anyone apart from the bank!

I hope you can get it sorted. Did you manage to speak to the builders?

kateandme · 28/10/2022 01:07

Phone the builder straight away.did you have a contract with them?if not as awkward and hard as it is you can refuse build.be really apologetic(not weak) and just firmly outline the situation.
also they might say you need to pay for material.again calmly query this as usually they can just carry materials on to next job.

Original poster
Spicky2000 · 28/10/2022 08:37

Yes I did call the roofer. He works for himself so spoke to his wife who does the admin. As I signed and agreed to the T&Cs I have to pay for the materials, however she said she will speak to her husband as I asked about the smaller job instead. I apologised, said I was really embarrassed, didn’t want to mess them about etc. she seemed to understand but at the end of the day it’s their livelihood. Hoping she’ll call back today.

I woke up this morning thinking I’d had a bad dream, then I realised it was real and feel sick again. Not to mention ANGRY, think I was in shock yesterday.

Reading about other people’s experiences makes me feel “normal” as I was feeling foolish and embarrassed yesterday and thinking this had only happened to me.

As a parent I wouldn’t dream of doing this. No normal parent would.

OP posts:
Petronus · 28/10/2022 08:50

Spicky2000 · 28/10/2022 08:37

Yes I did call the roofer. He works for himself so spoke to his wife who does the admin. As I signed and agreed to the T&Cs I have to pay for the materials, however she said she will speak to her husband as I asked about the smaller job instead. I apologised, said I was really embarrassed, didn’t want to mess them about etc. she seemed to understand but at the end of the day it’s their livelihood. Hoping she’ll call back today.

I woke up this morning thinking I’d had a bad dream, then I realised it was real and feel sick again. Not to mention ANGRY, think I was in shock yesterday.

Reading about other people’s experiences makes me feel “normal” as I was feeling foolish and embarrassed yesterday and thinking this had only happened to me.

As a parent I wouldn’t dream of doing this. No normal parent would.

I agree OP, I can’t imagine how the relationship could be the same again. Parents are meant to solve problems not create them.

Bemyclementine · 28/10/2022 08:51

It just doesn't maje sense OP. Presumably she wouldn't offer £8000 if she only had that amount saved?

I understand though, my DM offered to pay for a series of exams for qualifications. It wasn't a lot but I was young and had no money or ability to save. I did the courses (paid for them) she paid for 1 exam. There were 5 to do for the full qualification.

BigusBumus1 · 28/10/2022 09:05

I own a scaffolding company. It doesn;t matter if the roofer has booked the scaffolding and skip, they can be cancelled with zero notice.

So call the roofer right away, explain your mother was paying but a family emergency has come up and the money has been spent elsewhere and you can only afford the £900 repair now. It wont be a massive deal to the roofer as they will have other work they can slot in. You will still need scaffolding but i will only be a smaller scafffold and not the whole house.

One tip, before the scaffolders leave, check your Sky signal, if the scaffolding has blocked it, ask the scaffs to take your dish off your wall and fix it to the scaffold temporarily instead, whilst you shout out the window when you get the picture back on the telly. Make the scaffs tea and biscuits and they will usually be very willing to help.

caz198917 · 28/10/2022 09:25

Eastie77Returns · 27/10/2022 18:01

Why do parents do this? I can’t work it out.

I was on a long running MN thread with other buyers when I was purchasing my house earlier this year and mentioned that ‘D’F had offered to pay my Stamp Duty. I refused as he has form with my siblings for making these kinds of gestures and and then withdrawing the offer. He kept insisting and messaging me with pictures of his bank balance to show how much money he has (wtf). So eventually I agreed just to keep him quiet. He insisted I go to his house to help him transfer the funds a few days before Exchange. When I arrived he made a big show of getting his laptop out to do the transfer and then suddenly announced he would only give me £3k. No explanation.

Luckily I was expecting his fuckery and had the full SD amount saved. He looked disappointed when I informed him I didn’t need a penny from him. I truly believe he was hoping my house purchase would collapse.

Jesus that is awful! Is your relationship a good one?

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 28/10/2022 09:36

As awful as this sounds I'm so glad it's not just my mum that does it.

I think back over the years of being really skint and juggling bills and she would jump to offer to help but then only give half the amount after I'd worked everything out Blush

It would mean I would end up in a wise state than previously

It's so awkward and thanks god I'm not in a position anymore to need help like it but I know my sister is and on occasion mum has jumped to the rescue only to then not come up with the goods etc etc and left my sister in the poo.

Eastie77Returns · 28/10/2022 10:08

caz198917 · 28/10/2022 09:25

Jesus that is awful! Is your relationship a good one?

Show quote history

No, we don’t really have a good relationship and prior to having DC I had very little contact with him due to his history (physical and mental violence inflicted on the family generally). Since becoming a grandfather he has been in constant contact and as the DC do love him I take them to visit purely for their sake.

I’m extremely fortunate in that I do not need his financial help but my siblings are not so lucky and over the years he has taunted them time and time again with offers of help which are then withdrawn or only partially met. As a PP said, it is all about control.

hopelesslydevotedtoGu · 28/10/2022 10:28

I hope things can get sorted with the roofing company op. At least you found out before they did the actual job....

From experience, if somebody offers to pay for something big I ask them to transfer the money before I make a binding commitment! Unless it's a cost I'd be able and willing to pay myself if they backed out.

Original poster
Spicky2000 · 28/10/2022 14:55

@BigusBumus1

thank you so much for the advice - appreciate it

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 28/10/2022 14:58

Wow you are one patient person

i would be absolutely furious and would have to convey that

this woman knows full well what she has done and I am disgusted on your behalf

Original poster
Spicky2000 · 28/10/2022 14:59

@Bemyclementine

When she offered I didn’t think to question too much as who would offer to pay if you didn’t have more than enough? As another poster said, I should’ve asked for the money to be transferred before I signed the contract.

OP posts:
TerraNostra · 28/10/2022 19:58

Don't be fooled by the roofer saying that they are losing out and giving you the whole "it's our livelihood" sob story. Roofers are like gold dust, they will 100% have plenty of other work they can slot in, especially with the recent heavy rain.

Yes they can hold you to the Ts and Cs but if they make you pay 100% for the materials, insist that the materials be handed over to you to be used when you can afford the labour (this is a bluff, of course you have nowhere to store them, but they don't know that). You don't want them to profit by using the same stuff for someone else's job and charging them.

mattyprice4004 · 28/10/2022 21:50

TerraNostra · 28/10/2022 19:58

Don't be fooled by the roofer saying that they are losing out and giving you the whole "it's our livelihood" sob story. Roofers are like gold dust, they will 100% have plenty of other work they can slot in, especially with the recent heavy rain.

Yes they can hold you to the Ts and Cs but if they make you pay 100% for the materials, insist that the materials be handed over to you to be used when you can afford the labour (this is a bluff, of course you have nowhere to store them, but they don't know that). You don't want them to profit by using the same stuff for someone else's job and charging them.

I work with a lot of tradesmen, and most won’t just cancel free of charge - there’s specific materials bought, hours of admin and planning etc gone into the job.

They’ll likely hold the original poster to the T&Cs of the contract - most of the tradesmen I use take 33-50% of total cost for a last minute cancellation.

TerraNostra · 29/10/2022 07:28

@mattyprice4004 I literally said "they can hold you to the Ts and Cs".

My point was so not worry about them losing out, as they will have other work to fill the gap, and is do not pay for materials that they then sell again elsewhere- insist on being given what you paid for.