Help me with a very anxious friend, please...

[stilettoed]

A friend is looking to relocate to the UK for two to three years, possibly longer (she's been offered a job transfer from her overseas office). She lives in a beautiful and pretty safe city at the moment and she came to the UK for a recce of places to live over the summer (her only criteria was one hour or so to London each way). She tells me that, having agreed the transfer, she's now getting cold feet as she couldn't find anywhere in the UK that is:

• Beautiful/scenic
• Close to a buzzy and attractive town for cafes and restaurants etc
• Safe
• Has good/great schools (she can afford private but if they stay long-term her toddler might need state school)
• Good range of kids' activities
• Isn't overrun with oiks and antisocial behaviour during the evenings/at weekends.

That last point is very important to her as she says that when she visited all these places she had been told were charming (Richmond, Guildford/Oxford/Cambridge/York etc etc) she was shocked at the number of rowdy teens and adults she encountered, vaping and cussing and generally being intimidating especially after daylight hours.

Of course the drinking culture in the UK is terrible and I can see why someone from a place that doesn't have this would be concerned, especially as she has a tween and a teen who have some independence where they live at the moment. My question is, is this in every British town and city? Is there no place that is still charming and welcoming and not overrun with marauding drunks and vapers and County Lines drug dealers? I'd like to reassure my friend...

@mondaytosunday she doesn't live in Boston city itself as I explained earlier. Of course all cities have issues, and city living is not for everyone. This is why she was hoping to find a commutable town that is somewhat similar in terms of safety and kid-friendliness to where she lives now. I don't think that her requirements are unreasonable, nor is she some kind of sheltered snob. People are very quick to judge on a thread asking about area recommendations.

I don't think she's looked at the more suburban areas of Greater London so I will suggest those to her.

Thanks @brainstories568. I've just had a look on Rightmove and I wish I could move there myself!

Well this is interesting. Surely the issue here is less to do with finding a revelry - free location, than with explaining Britain to your friend? Cussing isn’t a serious matter and vaping is a habit, merely. It isn’t racism or violence or bigotry. It’s just a cultural,difference your friend may grow relaxed around. British people also have a different sense of humour and dress sense. Differences needn’t create anxiety. Perhaps her initial discomfort would wear off once she acclimatised.

People are very quick to judge on a thread asking about area recommendations

It’s because your opening post used the expression “oiks” and “county lines drug dealers” etc.

If you’d said something like “family friendly and safe” you’d have got the recommendations without the outrage.

Basically, you started it 😃

Surely your friend has already made up her mind it’s a shit hole so what’s the point in trying to persuade her otherwise?

Sounds to me like she really doesn't want to come here. Maybe she just feels more secure in a pace she knows, and looking at more and more places is just making her feel more and more insecure so she is looking for excuses? No criticism for that, many people might feel the same, even if when younger they have been more adventurous. But if so, best to fess up to everyone and say you've decided to stay put.

Certainly US TV presenters, even on 'liberal' stations, are very old-fashioned about bad language, I find it rather funny how they panic if an interviewee strays into even mildly bad language. Brits tend to use 'Anglo Saxon' words much more freely than Americans do, generally with no intention to offend. A lot of Americans would be offended by 'bloody' or 'damn' which usually doesn't make Brits turn a hair. I'd say the f and c words would give the same general offence here as 'bloody' or 'damn' does there. And we blaspheme much more, again, generally without it meaning a lot, whereas a lot of Americans would get hot under the collar about that.

@BlueMongoose That is due to US FCC regulations - networks face enormous fines for violating decency / obscenity laws on public airwaves.

"If in doubt - don't."

Honestly, we are in the US and we really notice that with the teens when we visit, as in more of them swear and vape publically and just behave badly in public. Not sure what that is and I know there is a bad fentanyl problem in the US so not saying the US does not have its drug issues but out on the streets and in the parks you just do not see teens being so oik like as you do in the UK- my kids are really shocked when we visit so that is what they are having oik teen culture shock.The US teens must do their drinking and oiking behind closed doors I guess. I certainly notice the girls wear a lot less make up here and just show off their bodies a lot less in terms of wear less revealing clothing- the difference is huge actually now I think about it so the US is more conservative I think in those ways. So there will be that shock too- York on a weekend with the drinking hens like being in a Chaucer poem- a very bawdy one.

"Nice neighbourhood" in the US by the way is often a euphemism for "white". Paq
York is very white and it is also full of pissed people every weekend. I am not convinced she is seeking a white neighborhood, that is defensive thinking, she does not want the pissed oik element I suspect and I get it now I no longer am exposed to it, I also find myself not loving it when I am around it when I visit, having previosuly had to be tolerant if it when I lived there and vomiters everywhere on a Friday night were just part of the setting on a British high street. It is a very British vibe indeed.Not a Boston vibe, certainly not in a pleasant family-friendly suburb that will be what she will be into at the stage of life she is in now.

The US teens do not drink in the same unabated way as Brit teens do, not publically. I am not sure when and where they do their drinking but the type of drinking that goes on in the UK, it is a very British cultural thing you just do not get in the US and the friend is seeing that and rejecting it. Yeah she may be better just staying put in Boston as it will rub off on her teens.

People go on about the gun thing in the US as if it cancels out any of the good aspects that people clearly find in the US- the chances of it happening are very low and the knife problem in London, that is something that would very much bother me if I had a teen there so the violence is everywhere. The oik/drunkards take over the citadel vibe is a very British thing indeed in my experience and totally accepted as the norm because drinking is so endemic in the UK culture.

I think she needs to stay where she is.

All these people referring to teens drinking, vaping, being half undressed and being 'oiks'. I have 2 teens and they and their friends don't so any of that so it's not the norm for all by any means.

I think OP and her “friend” are the same person- Me, Myself & I all find Britain to be full of anti social teenagers!

You certainly did 'start it', OP. Some unkind judgements and comments from you. Such snobbery.

The UK isn't perfect, much less perfect since Truss took over. But I'm proud to live here and to be British. And I'm pleased that my children don't need to suffer gun drills at their school

US teens prefer shovelling opioids down their throats instead. Oh and they are quite partial to the crystal meth.

See we can all make generalisations.

🤣 Yes definitely. See my post RE the tiresome unjustified superiority complexes of our "cousins from across the pond!"

I thought that from the op. No-one from the UK would use the word ‘cussing’! ‘Charming’ is also a very American thing to say about a town or area.

Doesn't the US have stricter drinking laws than we do? Could that be the main reason you don't see drunken teens on the streets there?

@flossycandyflossy @watcherintherye

So true, “cussing” is not a word we would use and the unjustified superiority is nauseating.

‘Charming’ is also a very American thing to say about a town or area.

Unless op is an estate agent (realtor), of course!

Beaconsfield, Jordan’s Village, Gerrards Cross, Cookham, Bourne End, Denham Village - all nice places in south bucks that fit the criteria

Wadhurst. Boring. Fantastic local countryside. Pretty high street. Full of WAG wannabes. Davina McColl lives there, which no local can ever shut up about.Trains direct to London in a touch over an hour. Or King's Hill, boring aspirational new town north of Tonbridge. Completely inauthentic, should do her nicely.

I think she would be happier in a village or small town than in a city near restaurants and cafes. I haven't been to Otford in the last few decades but it used to be nice and safe, is commuting distance from London, used to have good schools and she can go to the restaurants in Maidstone. Can anyone confirm if it still is like that?

Can’t believe this thread is still running.

The level of worrying is so ludicrous given how much less the level of violent crime is here than in the US. That is the case even when the difference in population is taken into account.

The US teens do not drink in the same unabated way as Brit teens do, not publically. I am not sure when and where they do their drinking but the type of drinking that goes on in the UK, it is a very British cultural thing you just do not get in the US and the friend is seeing that and rejecting it. Yeah she may be better just staying put in Boston as it will rub off on her teens Chiweenie

This is an interesting point. I first went to the US aged 18 (almost 19) to do Camp America. I had finished 2nd year of university (Scottish system- we can do it young!) and was relatively worldly wise - I had inter-railed round Europe for a month the summer before totally independently, had travelled widely, and was generally street wise growing up in a big city and at university in the same city.

Camp was a great experience, but I found the US staff very, very young for their age. They definitely has fewer life experiences than us brits- more sheltered somehow. They were, without exception, middle class, but this is the demographic OP's friend is coming from. Obviously they can't drink until they're 21, they did drink in the staff clubhouse (big fridges to buy and drink your own) but it tended to be light beer, and few drunk spirits. There were drinking games which were rowdy, and some got drunk, but it tended to be the alpha jocks only. They smoked a lot of weed though- there seemed to be a real 'we're being rebels ' vibe about that, which I just didn't get.

They were also, in general, Conservative: some thought I was a boy when I arrived as, shock horror, I had short hair; they all dressed very conservatively and couldn't understand some of our funkier dress choices (usual student stuff, not revealing); they were obsessed with girls being 'pretty'(being thin was everything) and boys being 'handsome and muscular'; they avoided debates about anything remotely political/ intellectual(I am a dyed in the wool socialist and was v active in student politics 🙈); LGBTQ+ rights/ people were kept at arm's length; very few were into cool music/ books/ films/ culture. It was generally very sanitised.

If OP's family is coming to the UK with a similar background/ mindset they will find it jarring. It's up to them. UK culture has a lot to offer if they can accept the odd bit of anti-social behaviour.

I agree with Autumniscoming - it won't rub off on the children I you don't want it to. It's all about what is taught/ happens in the home. I have 2 teens- neither of whom act anything like this and have varied, cultural lives and a wide variety of friends.