Help me with a very anxious friend, please...

[stilettoed]

A friend is looking to relocate to the UK for two to three years, possibly longer (she's been offered a job transfer from her overseas office). She lives in a beautiful and pretty safe city at the moment and she came to the UK for a recce of places to live over the summer (her only criteria was one hour or so to London each way). She tells me that, having agreed the transfer, she's now getting cold feet as she couldn't find anywhere in the UK that is:

• Beautiful/scenic
• Close to a buzzy and attractive town for cafes and restaurants etc
• Safe
• Has good/great schools (she can afford private but if they stay long-term her toddler might need state school)
• Good range of kids' activities
• Isn't overrun with oiks and antisocial behaviour during the evenings/at weekends.

That last point is very important to her as she says that when she visited all these places she had been told were charming (Richmond, Guildford/Oxford/Cambridge/York etc etc) she was shocked at the number of rowdy teens and adults she encountered, vaping and cussing and generally being intimidating especially after daylight hours.

Of course the drinking culture in the UK is terrible and I can see why someone from a place that doesn't have this would be concerned, especially as she has a tween and a teen who have some independence where they live at the moment. My question is, is this in every British town and city? Is there no place that is still charming and welcoming and not overrun with marauding drunks and vapers and County Lines drug dealers? I'd like to reassure my friend...

I'm so sorry, @GoneBeserk. There was a brand new playground destroyed by yobs in one of my local towns, too, and they also set fire to a portaloo on a nearby building site. Thankfully the fire brigade came quickly or this could have caused a major catastrophe (it was very close to a row of houses). Apparently objecting to this kind of behaviour makes us 'entitled' or relics from a bygone era 🤔

My friend will have to give up a good work opportunity if she doesn't come but I think she's justified in caring about the type of environment her kids will be in if they move.

😂😂😂

On reflection, perhaps the UK isn't for her. Boston does indeed sound very heaven.

The US is big - they can have huge estates and they have civic pride. Also you often need a car to get somewhere so the homeless drunks and druggies are limited to bad areas of cities.
Many Americans came here to work at DH's company in the past. Although they probably were horrified by drunks etc they loooooooved walking everywhere, travelling on public transport and not needing their car, museums, antique shops, theatre etc etc etc . Not many had DCs though.

I've lived in the UK all my life, London and South coast and I am so curious now about Boston! Sounds like a bizarre place - what do they do for fun? Are there just loads of police telling people off for swearing? There are far more 'blighted little islands' then ours though, so if she doesn't want to hear cussing she'd better go somewhere else. We do tend to shoot each other less here, but that might not make up for all the vaping. Swings and roundabouts, perhaps.

If she moves here, she needs to have a more positive attitude. It sounds like she's really doubtful. If she doesn't change her outlook on the move, she will be looking for every single incident to confirm she made a bad move.
Lots of nice places to live in the UK. Don't be daft!

Teddington, lovely high Street, near Hampton Court.

@Seaweasel is getting shitfaced drunk the only way to have 'fun'? I'm not sure how you deduced that Boston is some kind of police state just because my friend's town isn't overrun with thugs? Maybe there are more activities for teens/stronger communities/more educational opportunities etc etc?

@PhoenixIsFlying thank you! Teddington is lovely, I haven't been for a few years but I remember it being very charming.

@Snowberry3 yes, she said she loves the walkability of London! Of course if she moves to the 'burbs she might lose that but I'm sure the public transport options will be superior.

The thing is, the US has all these issues in bucket loads. They just segregate them out away from the affluent people.

Towns like the "Gilmore Girls" exist purely because the poor and misbehaving folks live in the next one along.

Sorry but she's utterly unrealistic. I think I'd far rather know what the world is really like.

She may well be a highly accomplished academic but she probably needs a couple of years here to understand what real life is like.

I'm struggling with what's wrong with Guildford? I've never felt unsafe walking alone. It's a university town so there are lots of young people, but the other half of the town are older people and families. Cobbled high street, lots of theatres, good train connections and reassuringly expensive house prices.

I agree with this.

If she’s looking for an idyll solely populated by people she approves of, she’s going to be disappointed by wherever she picks. Why appoint yourself any bearing on it?

@pictish she's weighing up pros and cons and I said I'd find out if there were any areas I'm not aware of that might fit her requirements. I'm not trying to sell the UK to her, she has a great work opportunity here and if she decides to come I'd like to see her happy and settled (I would hope she'd do the same for me if I was moving to Massachusetts). I also don't think she's looking for an 'idyll solely populated by people she approves of,' her current neighbourhood is very economically and socially diverse and she loves that. If her family moves to the UK she just wants to be somewhere where her kids can enjoy the same freedoms they have now without being intimidated by yob antics. As I mentioned I live in a 'nice' area that's blighted by antisocial behaviour and I would move myself if work and kids permitted.

Curious as to what the yob antics are - is that the vaping and swearing? If the swearing freaks her out, she'd better not get on the plane. I've heard it's infiltrated all parts of the UK in recent years.

Well, you obviously don't live in a nice area if it's blighted by antisocial behaviour. That's a contradiction.
I live in a very nice area, there is no antisocial behaviour, no rampant "oiks" or "yobs", and no litter or graffiti.
However, it's a suburb with high house prices and very poor public transport.
Perhaps those issues are linked.

@BackT but 'real life' is not like this in many countries, I've lived in a fair few myself (nor is the bad behaviour related to wealth, posh oiks are plentiful in the UK). The drunken you culture seems to be a uniquely British phenomenon, I struggle to understand it myself (and have witnessed more alcohol-fuelled fights than I care to recall) so I can understand why someone coming from overseas would have serious concerns, especially if they're bringing kids into a new environment.

Young people often flock to the town centres to go out, and your list includes some of the central places in the area. As a PP said, if you can find somewhere round a smaller centre, there will be less of that behaviour. Tricky though with approaching teens, as they may want to join in and flock to the main places.

*yob culture

How big does it need to be? Plenty of market towns in Bucks that might fit the bill?

Or go the other way into Kent so Canterbury?

What about central London? Like, in the city or something? That can be weirdly dead on a weekend.

Hi Op, we've just moved back from Massachusetts after 5 years away in one of the affluent Boston suburbs. We live in a very nice town and DH kept saying similar things. I said that it was always like that but he's forgotten or just wasn't aware of it before because it was the norm.

US teens do generally spend their time doing sports or music or more organized activities hence why they don't hang out so much.

I agree. it is a culture change and it happens in every UK town.

If she is still on a US salary, she is very likely to be able to afford really nice areas to areas to live.

Have you ever been to Sweden? I've seen a lot of drunkenness there.
Plus don't think about visiting Eastern Europe....

It sounds very much as if alcohol is your issue. Or your friend's.
How about an Islamic state where alcohol is banned? They certainly don't have yobbish drunkenness.