How would you drive Phil and Kirsty mad?

[Doubleraspberry]

Setting aside any of their political views of course...

We are starting to house hunt and have viewed a couple of houses. We are being pretty realistic and ready to accept compromises, but in an alternative world I AM that person who says the driveway is too long.

Actual specs we are working off:

4/5 bedrooms
Decent amount of living space to allow for adults and children to co-exist, and adults to WFH
Space for a dining table
Some outdoor space - big enough for some seating
At least two loos, preferably two bathrooms
Near enough to infrastructure that we can live without a car if needed

Specs I could drive someone into the ground with:

Must have a mature willow tree in garden, and garden not be overlooked at all
Must have lots of window, with light window frames, ideally wooden (but in great condition)
Must have views of countryside but be very well connected to everything essential on public transport
Huge driveway with parking for several cars
Kitchen must have a lot of storage and work surfaces
As many roof lights as possible everywhere so I can listen to the rain falling on them
A cat flap

I'd like two sturdy trees between which I shall suspend an enormous hammock.

But I don't want trees on my property- tree surgery is expensive.

Large detached 4 bed house with large SW facing garden. Dinning room, study, large kitchen breakfast room, large lounge, utility room, 1 ensuite in a nice area with excellent grammar schools. max 30min by train to London and 20min drive to a cheap fruit and maybe even an ethnic market.

That's why you keep DH surely?

That's easy I will only buy a house that fits my mahoosive sofa which I refuse to sell. I want a modern finish but with 'character' as I refuse to pick up a paintbrush so will dismiss a house if I don't like their artwork as I can't envision myself in it.

My bet hate is they want to be part of the community and yet no near neighbours. They want to be in the countryside but be able to walk to the shops and station. They want a large garden but easy to maintain.

It must have at least a quadruple garage for DH collection of vintage cars rust buckets . and motorcycles deathtraps . A large workshop for his "hobbies" and my sewing room .

I'd be overly fussy on location. We moved recently and would only stay in our village and would only live on a handful of streets.

Other than that; 2 living rooms, 4 good sized bedrooms, decent sized garden not overlooked or south facing, not near busy road, downstairs loo, garage, separate entrance hallway and living room not a walkthrough room.

We ended up compromising on no ensuite or utility but we got everything else on the list.

@LaWench why no South facing?

Had south facing before and it was way too hot in the (week of nice weather) summer, no shade at all.

I want somewhere in Wales with East Anglian levels of rainfall.
It must have a New England beach house feel with views over an always deserted beach.
It must have a massive south facing garden that the dogs can't escape from with a weeping willow and an established soft fruit area. Soft fruit must be fenced off so my forever starving mutts can't knock the gooseberries and blackcurrants. I annot prepared to do this myself.
It must have a large wet room that looks exactly like the one I admired in a hotel on holiday.
My budget will be £200,000.

Nick not knock. DDog1 currently has pink stains on his shoulders from raiding the raspberries.

I’d swap kirstie’s vitamins for her headphones 😉

I'd be their worst nightmare, I want a house in a specific village with the travel links of the next town over but none of the traffic and I want an enormous garden but medium house despite no houses in said specific villages having an enormous garden unless they are also enormous. I will not accept said house doesn't exist and, if it did, that it would not be in my budget.

Your willow tree would have Kirsty throw you off the programme. Meanwhile Phil would dig one up from his garden and plant it in yours if you'd just buy one of his suggestions!

Not my list but my mum's...she wants to be close to the sea, with lovely sea views on the east coast. These lovely east coast views should be from a south west facing rear windows and garden. She would also like a village-y feel with a 4-buses-an-hour route bus stop, outside her door. And good neighbours but no one actually close by. Ideally all for thruppence ha'penny please.

I'd send then my teenager

I'd like four double bedrooms, maybe a study/ reading room and extra space in the attic. Ideally three reception rooms, but would settle for two if I got a breakfast kitchen and utility with walk in pantry. If there's no pantry, I need a dry cellar.

Circa 1/3 acre back garden minimum (would accept more if available), sheltered from northern and eastern winds, but not overlooked. Ideally no immediate neighbours, but on the outskirts of a village with an outstanding but miraculously under-subscribed primary school feeding at least two outstanding secondaries within walking distance.😂 Garden also needs at least three outbuildings to house husband's extensive tool hobby, my gardening addiction and a space for occasional entertaining/ refurbishing furniture. Front garden has parking for at least three cars.

If there's a place where the useful insects will come and pollinate my plants, but the nasty ones that eat everything don't visit, I'd like to be there. 😁Love to listen to and see lots of birds, but not the ones that keep fighting all over the lawn and nicking all the raspberries from the hedges- I'd probably pay a premium for that...

Would prefer a rural village, but must be within 30 minutes drive of plenty of interesting places to work as my husband gets lonely if he has to work from home for long periods. Need a guaranteed internet speed of at least 100Mb (despite a propensity of nearby woodland for dog walking/hiking), mains gas, electricity, water and drainage- all from reliable companies that will drop everything to dash over immediately and rectify when the inevitable storms interrupt supply in the winter.

Want period features, but preferably no Grade listing to slow down any renovations I might need to make. Also needs lots of invisible eco-fitting (solar panels, air source/ground source heat pumps. wind vanes). Also at least two electric car charging points, despite the fact if everyone has an electric car at the moment, we're going to be getting regular brown-outs/ power cuts because we don't make enough of our own electricity in this country!

Also, I love a bargain, I won't overpay, just because there's very little supply and everyone's rushing to secure a place before the next three rates rises! 😉

Period house with a modern feel but lots of character features, room for all my mismatched soft furnishings but also embracing Scandi style minimalism. Crittal doors out onto a herringbone brick patio, half an acre of garden but in a town setting, but plenty of walking routes nearby. Close to the sea but also in the hills/mountains. Dining kitchen, three bedrooms, parking; excellent foodie pub, train station and bus route within walking distance but detached and not overlooked. No busy roads because I have a cat.

They would hate me.

Would not consider a kitchen with the hob on an island.

m would not consider anywhere with 80s leaded windows.

By refusing to consider anywhere outside a 2 mile radius of where we currently live.

We don’t want the kids to have to move schools.

Is this location location location or Kristie and Phil's love it or list it?

Happy to annoy them in any context.

If I ever move, I have a growing list of requirements:

Yes to the window seat so I can look outside when not reading.
A garden big enough so I can have an allotment and a few flowers, especially ones for the bees, but not so big I need to mow it for hours every other weekend. I am specific on this.
A bungalow is preferable but I could add a floor except my ankle that I broke last year still gives me gyp and I love complaining about it. The staircase needs a cupboard underneath it for my cat to sleep in. (No Harry Potter jokes please) My cat loves cupboards.
Pre -1980 preferred because after that houses get very tiny and gardens are postage stamp sized.
Tons of cupboard space for me because I've got too much crap. And a garage for more crap. I don't drive.
Two bedrooms of equal size.
Absolutely no decking nor a wholly paved garden because I'll have to rip that sh*t out.
An upstairs and downstairs loo.
Easy public transport nearby.
And all this for less than £300k in the South East of England.

Ha! 🤪

I would like all of the above plus a room for a kiln, a room for my sewing and other crafts, plenty of outside storage for all my vintage crap I can't resist. Swimming pool with a retractable cover. Space for horses and maybe indoor cinema. Ta xx

It's bad enough asking agents for a large garden. Their idea of a large garden is anything that isn't totally paved over, and even then, if more than one weed grows in the cracks, it's a large garden again. But try being an artist and needing a large upstairs room whose windows face exactly North.
I house hunted with a map and compass pre Google Earth.