To buy or not to buy - driving myself mad. Perspective needed please.

[ImpossibleDecision]

As I simply can’t stop revolving this over and over in my head, I need some sensible advice and I’m hoping I’ll get it here!

DSis and I have jointly inherited the house where we spent most of our childhood. Neither of us now lives nearby, we’re both settled with partners, in our late 50s/early 60s, both fairly close to stopping work in a few years. It should be a simple matter to sell - but we are both hugely emotionally attached to the place.

She can’t afford to buy me out and needs her share of the money. I could buy her out, for cash (I'm very fortunate, I know) but it would be most of my life savings. The house needs work. I've identified a few builders but most good ones are booked up for a year and I don’t really have the right local knowledge/contacts. I also live far enough away to make it a major logistical problem to coordinate any work.

But….but. It’s in a very sought-after area, houses are snapped up. And I love it, it was my home and part of me will always 'belong' there in a way that’s not comparable with anywhere else, ever. The thought of someone else owning 'my home' seems almost impossible to contemplate. It’s possible that, once DH and I do stop working, we’d be happy to go and live there.

Am I totally mad not to buy DSis out for half its market value, even though it needs serious work doing to it and I get massively stressed out by building works? And there’s the worry about the ongoing costs of energy bills and council tax etc if I did buy it. If I were 20 years younger I don’t suppose I’d think twice about it, but I’m genuinely in a state of such total turmoil over this that I’m waking at 5 every morning worrying about it, terrified that whatever I do, it’ll be the wrong decision. Help

That is a tough one.

Does she need all the money now? Would it be possible to but her out in installments?

*buy, sorry.

Thanks, Jesus - it is tough! She really wants either me to buy it or for it to be sold to someone else. I mean, we haven’t fallen out over it but that’s the bottom line, sadly. I’m not sure how it would work practically to do it in instalments in this situation.

Would you have the money to do it up, if you bought her out for cash?

Do you really want to go and live there? Really? Would you rent it out before then? What kind of a place is it in?

What does your DH think you should do? How does he feel about moving?

And what would your plan be in a few years’ time if you didn’t move there?

(Don’t feel you need to answer all those questions on here - but they are the questions I would be asking myself in that situation, to work out whether this is something I actually want to do and can do, or something I like the idea of, and the extent to which it is actually about the house.)

My thoughts were you could pay her (say) half of her share now, so you have some cash in reserve for the work that needs doing. Then you could rent it out for a while until you're in a position to buy her out fully?

I know it sounds like a headache but I bet there are builders who would be willing to project-manage the work that needs doing, so you don't need to get too heavily involved.

Hi OP, we renovated our house in 2020 and lived out while our dear and trusted friend (professional builder) ran the project for us.

I have no regrets - our previous home was too small for our growing family, so we had no choice! BUT in every room something was done that jumped out at me as wrong. Things that seemed/seems completely inexplicable to me! It was because I wasn't there to manage everything, and because I really care about details.

We've spent a chunk of money (that we don't have, after the over-spend of the build) and time since then, getting these little bits done right, and some still aren't done yet. It's just a tiny bit maddening...

When the house is super-important to you, as this one is, then it's not just "building works" - it's a labour of love. Getting it right costs A LOT.

I'd factor that in to what you decide. If you are happy as you are and where you are then it may be easier to say goodbye to this house now and let the refurbishment give someone else sleepless nights...

Really appreciate the replies. CatsAreDictators, I’ve asked myself all those questions and then some - the difficulty is that a lot of these are open-ended questions as the answers aren’t predictable or are dependent on things that might happen in the future. I’m pretty risk-averse and I’m sure many other people would merrily say ‘hurray, let’s do it and see what happens!' Sadly, I’m a planner and over-thinker so everything gets totally enmeshed in my head very quickly.

Without going into a mass of outing detail, there would potentially be scope to do one part of the works now which would make a big difference, and leave a bigger and more ambitious part for the future, which wouldn’t be as expensive or disruptive upfront. It would also mean if we didn’t decide to relocate there in time, it could still be sold having been improved to an extent.

But I very much hear what you say too, WoolyMammoth…

I felt the same about my late parents' house and it was a real wrench to sell it, but once it was sold and belonged to someone else, it was no longer our family home and I felt a sense of closure. If you are not realistically ever going to live there then let it live on in your memory.

So you have memories in the house but you plan on renovating. By that point is it still your family home? Renovations are difficult at the best of times, managing them from a distance will be tough. Would you be considering a project like this if it wasn't this particular house? Probably not. I think you should be happy with the memories and sell.

This!

We sold my DH's childhood home when his parents died and it was a wrench when we were thinking about it/dealing with the sale - but afterwards, it was fine.

I would recommend selling the house for a few reasons, not just because I don't think it will feel as bad as you think afterwards - but because it may cause an issue with your sister later on, will she still see it as partly hers? You'd have to buy her share of the house completely, I don't think an instalment plan would be fair tbh. If you've lived out of the area for some time, is it really likely that you would retire there?

Good luck with whatever decision you make OP, I appreciate that it's hard either way.

I think the other important question is if you did sell it what would the money allow you to do?

My grandparents house, where I spent an awful lot of time, was sold a few years ago, my great grandparents brought it off plan nearly a century ago, I thought it would be a great loss, but actually I have the memories of it, and now it is someone elses and they get to enjoy it. I am a lot more at peace with never going there again than I thought I would be. Property renovations are a huge stress, would you really want to put yourself through that? Other than the actual house is there enough there to draw you back - would you know anyone, would it really be as you remembered it?

It’s just an empty shell, the memories are yours and will stay with you whatever happens to the home.

if you buy dsis out, renovate then make a significant profit there’s a very real chance it could lead to bad feeling. or you changing it while doing it up could cause upset. I personally feel selling it to a new family would bring closure to you both and you can keep your treasured memories bitterness free (sadly I’ve seen the alternative played out and it was hard on everyone and I don’t actually think anyone was being unreasonable just feeling how they felt).

I am also feeling very sad as we have accepted an offer on my dad’s house. I think it just feels like another part of him is moving into history/memory as I won’t be able to go back there and remember - it triggers lots of memories actually being in the place.
No answer for you sorry OP but your feelings are very normal.

I'm hugely sentimental, I feel I needed to say that as I sympathise.

But

It is not your childhood home anymore. It's a house. The memories of your childhood home can never be replicated as they are memories. All the renovations would make it unrecognisable as the happy place you remember.

Would it help to think that if you sell it, you give someone else the opportunity to make many happy memories there?

this. You should sell. We sold the family home which had been built for our grandparents back in the 1920s. My parents loved that place and it was such a happy home. Now it is someone else's happy home.

Selling won't change the lovely memories and the history you have with this place. They are still there. What gives you joy about this place is the memories, the people, the events that happened there - not the house really. Also if you buy out your sister, your sister will have to struggle with you owning the house she also has an emotional attachment to - she may feel she should be able to stay there when she wants to. it just gets complicated.

I know how hard it is but unless you are going to move in right now (my best friend is doing this with her family home - buying out her brothers and living there herself) selling is the right thing imo.

Maybe go down for a weekend with your sister and have a lovely time reminiscing etc. before you sell.

I'd sell it. I think that is the sensible and best decision in this case.

Thanks everyone. Your replies are definitely mirroring the pros and cons of the debate I’m having endlessly with myself.

Tbh having the money from the sale wouldn’t be as important for me as for DSis, as she needs it whereas it would just be sitting in my bank account (a nice 'problem' to have, I know). There’s honestly nothing I want to do with it so in that sense it feels like the 'never being able to go there again' (as wonderstuff put it) is a bigger consideration for me. We've always both spent a lot of time there and while I know it’s ultimately 'just a house' it has always felt like a very special one in terms of emotional connection for me - though I’ve lived in lots of places since and DH and I have been settled in our current home for a long time.

But yes, the thought of renovations daunts me massively, especially when I read the extensions thread on here…and the replies are coming down on that side.

A sense of closure either way would be a huge relief to my poor overworked brain, that’s for sure.

Thanks again for the thoughtful replies.

If you go down the route of selling it (and I think more sensible pp than me have made some very good points in favour of this) then there are other things you can do to preserve those memories, such as photographs or even commissioning a painting of your favourite part of the house (kitchen, garden...?). You could also invite friends and family for one last 'do' there and film everyone talking about their memories of the house and your parents, and get it edited into a short film. I really wish I'd done any of the above for my grandparents' house!

Lots of good comments here OP. It's a really difficult decision.

Close your eyes. Imagine this hassle is over. The house is sold. You have lovely photos and will always have your memories. But it belongs to someone else. But it's done. Gone. All sorted. How do you feel?

Keep your eyes closed. Now imagine that you are renovating it. Lots of work, hassle and expense, but it's yours. You're free to do the work as and when you want. And you could retire there, visit it. And it's a growing source of equity. Stress, but you keep it. How does that feel?

I know this sounds very hippy, but when you really think on things often there's a gut reaction. You might find that the sense of peace you feel in just getting this sorted and over tells you everything you need to know. Conversely, you might feel such a pang of regret and panic, that clearly keeping it - with all the hassle of work - is the better option.

There are pros and cons either way - but what is your gut instinct telling you to do?

This is a bit of a long story sorry but hopefully relevant...My parents divorced when I was young and we lived with my Gran for a good few years until my mum remarried and we moved away. We lead and I still continue to lead a relatively transitory life, I think think the longest I've lived in any house since is 4 years. My Gran's house was always home, she even used to say to my sister and I "You can always come home" and whenever I visited it always just felt like home.

When my Gran died my mum kept her house, sold her own and moved there (as well as buying a place abroad). I used to visit sometimes always with the anticipation that I'd get the "coming home" feeling but I never did, because my Gran wasn't there. My mum finally sold my gran's house a few years ago to move into a retirement apartment and it wasn't a wrench, I'd had plenty of time and occasions to notice it wasn't the house but my Gran that held the fond memories.

I think the difficulty for you is that you're having to make this decision before you're ready and when you're, naturally, still grieving for everything your parents were and represent. Have you visited the house since? How did it feel to you when you were there, did it still feel like home?

Practically, if you don't need to worry about the money is there a half way house where you buy it for and then don't start any renovations just keep it ticking over? Make a conscious effort to visit and get a feel for how your feelings change or stay the same about it? You might be ready to let go if you're given more time.

Solla your* *story is spookily similar in some respects (re grandmother etc) but DSis and I have always treated the house as our home and always (regularly) gone back there - I was last there a couple of weeks ago. Effectively we never properly ‘left’, I suppose you could say.

I’m really not trying to be difficult about good suggestions but my worry re buying then postponing work is that I feel anxious (and guilty) about leaving it empty and deteriorating. Also the rising cost of work. And energy costs, not least.

Sometimes it feels as though a good old coin toss might be as good a way to decide as anything!

If you had the cash to buy it, renovate it and live in it, I'd say to go for it.

But you haven't. You haven't got the cash to renovate it properly now. You'd have to use all of your savings, which feels risky so close to retirement. You don't have a clear plan to relocate and are not even retiring imminently. So no, I wouldn't buy it. It'll be a money pit and you'll come to regret it. If you rent it out until you relocate, it will no longer feel like 'home.' If you end up selling it, what's the point. All of your arguments are emotional and I don't think anyone should be emotional about property. It's just bricks. Sell it.

Most people getting near retirement think about downsizing, getting a smaller house. Why would you move to a family-sized house. In a faraway location?
Retire to a place of your choosing (which could, of course, include staying in your current area).
I think that you retaining the house but your sister having no legal rights to it could prove to be an awkward imbalance. Better to have the clean break and neither own it.
Sell the house whilst the market is still buoyant.

Looking at this from the other side, we purchased DH family home rather than see it go to someone else. It has always been full of good memories of his lovely family. We now live here and although we are happy here we have done so much work to it that it feels nothing like the house did when his parents lived here. I can barely recognise the majority of it.

It was them that made this place a home, not the bricks 🙂 The memories I have are of the people and I can’t see I have any different memories being in the house itself.
We do love living here but I can’t say I wouldn’t have loved something else exactly the same if you see what I mean. The house suits us but I don’t think I would have uprooted our lives for it…luckily for us it was down the street!

I wouldn't sell. I would buy your sister out completely. This is important. She needs to understand it is no longer hers. That must be 110% understood. She doesn't get money & the house still be "hers"
I would only do absolutely must be done right now repairs. As in the roof is leaning type thing. Have it as a weekend/holiday home for a while. And take stock.

How do you feel then? Still think it's a possibility for retirement? If so do the half of the work that's simpler first.
If not - sell.

Get to know neighbourhood again, ask locals for recommendations of a local builder. I emphasise local. Those who will be your future neighbours will be inclined to do a better job.

Thankfully you sound in a fortunate enough position to keep it for a bit. The way the market is rising you may even make a little extra cash selling it 6 months down the line. If that's your take at that point.

Stage by stage in other words would be my advice.