To buy or not to buy - driving myself mad. Perspective needed please.

[ImpossibleDecision]

As I simply can’t stop revolving this over and over in my head, I need some sensible advice and I’m hoping I’ll get it here!

DSis and I have jointly inherited the house where we spent most of our childhood. Neither of us now lives nearby, we’re both settled with partners, in our late 50s/early 60s, both fairly close to stopping work in a few years. It should be a simple matter to sell - but we are both hugely emotionally attached to the place.

She can’t afford to buy me out and needs her share of the money. I could buy her out, for cash (I'm very fortunate, I know) but it would be most of my life savings. The house needs work. I've identified a few builders but most good ones are booked up for a year and I don’t really have the right local knowledge/contacts. I also live far enough away to make it a major logistical problem to coordinate any work.

But….but. It’s in a very sought-after area, houses are snapped up. And I love it, it was my home and part of me will always 'belong' there in a way that’s not comparable with anywhere else, ever. The thought of someone else owning 'my home' seems almost impossible to contemplate. It’s possible that, once DH and I do stop working, we’d be happy to go and live there.

Am I totally mad not to buy DSis out for half its market value, even though it needs serious work doing to it and I get massively stressed out by building works? And there’s the worry about the ongoing costs of energy bills and council tax etc if I did buy it. If I were 20 years younger I don’t suppose I’d think twice about it, but I’m genuinely in a state of such total turmoil over this that I’m waking at 5 every morning worrying about it, terrified that whatever I do, it’ll be the wrong decision. Help

I totally understand why you want to buy it. I would have felt like this about my own childhood home until very recently. I never really left as in I went back a lot and such very happy memories. It really was my home.

but when one parent died 5 years ago, it has become sadder and sadder to be there. It just isn’t the same any more.

and now I can’t really feel the same about it all as a lot has changed around it - beloved members of family getting old and dying.

And really the era has passed. The best is gone.

now, if your home is very special and beautiful (historical and of architectural importance) or the area around it is really very lovely, it might be well worth hanging on to.

trying to renovate from a distance is not easy at all. I have tried to do this and you never have the information to hand that you need - the measurements or the exact layout etc. not easy unless you are an expert / architect and can work from drawings.

So, that’s my tuppence.

I would guess it is a matter of money. If you can genuinely afford to run a second home and do the renovations then I guess there is not a good reason not to. But it is a choice that may stop you doing other things.

I really feel for you. I understand so well what you feel for your childhood home.

Also I echo others in saying that it is the people and how they live in a place that make it home. Without them it really is quite a hollow shell. You might not believe this. I only know it because the loss of one parent has transformed my old home and altered my feelings about it. Despite having the remaining parent valiantly trying to keep it feeling like home.

places really do get wrapped up with people.

My grandparents house was absolutely heaven to me. The same has happened to that place without them there.

If I was in this position I think I’d be concerned about my sibling needing the money, and more than me.

If you sold it as is and split the proceeds would it change your sister’s life? Would it be enough for a deposit for her to buy her own place, say? Or to do anything really, that she can’t at the moment?

I am able to buy a house with my partner, and that’s a privilege that my brother doesn’t have. In your situation I wouldn’t want her to think that there’s a life changing amount of unusable cash sat around that I won’t let him have? Yes, a renovation could increase this money but at the high cost of your equilibrium and both of your time. A year+?

I am currently doing admin for my mother’s estate and probate is taking ages. There will be a substantial amount of money available at some point soon. I don’t need it as much as my brother does, and I feel crappy about the delays while he waits. Whatever we spend it on will be ‘in memory’ of our parents, and things we use every day (him a flat deposit, me a patio and holidays!) I couldn’t, in all conscience, delay anything further while I mucked about with it…indulging myself. I mean that kindly 🙂 Just my thoughts.

I think buying your sister out and then potentially making money on selling the house in future, if you decide not to live there or just decide to downsize when you're old, risks a big family fallout.

It seems a bit unfair that because you're well off, you can afford to buy her out and create an asset that she has no claim to, but is emotionally very attached to. I can imagine she would feel very upset, like you'd profited off her lower income.

It's really difficult, and I face this problem myself as my parents' house is in an area I would love to move back to... but ultimately it's not the same place as when I last lived there 20+ years ago, and I know it will be more sensible to sell and maybe buy something else with the money when the time is right.

I do understand what you’re saying, Camo and Tulips. DSis* *and I have had many long conversations about all this. She loves the house as I do - if she could buy me out, she would. We've agreed a decision will be made by a set time and I appreciate the range of responses.

Maybe just make sure you sell to a family who will love it as much as you did.