Advice on handling sensitive neighbour concern

[Vernatts123]

Hi everyone,

We moved into our semi detached firs home six months ago. We have a lovely front garden with Hydrangeas on the left hand side which have been in situ at least 30 years.

The neighbours on our left are rented, a couple in early 40s with three children, the oldest of whom, aged 17 is non verbal autistic. Unfortunately he has taken to reaching over our fence or coming into our garden to destroy our plants. This is happening at least once a week now and it is clear the garden is being damaged as a result, which as a keen gardener is difficult to see. In addition he regularly has epsisodes of challenging behaviour where he will slam into the adjoining walls around 11pm (almost every night) which is hard enough that we can no longer keep anything breakable on shelves on that side of the house. This also wakes my young daughter up regularly and there isn’t a suitable bedroom on the other side of the house to move her to.

I have sympathy for the parents as this is clearly a difficult family set up, and being in the teaching profession I can recognise the barriers parents can often face to gain support from social/disability services. I don’t want to overstep but I am thinking of taking a cake over and opening a conversation with mum about if she is receiving enough support.

Could anyone suggest practical steps I can take to reduce the impact on my family? I have considered higher fences but this seems a bit passive aggressive. I did recently try and engage with the son and let him know that hurting the plants was upsetting. He laughed at me, tore up the plants and threw them in the air, and when his mum tried to tell him off he started to hit their car. I realise he may have little to no awareness of other peoples feelings so this is a difficult situation to resolve.

TIA

I wouldn’t worry about being passive aggressive - If your stuff is being damaged go in aggressive aggressive and up the bigger fence and tell them why.

You don't go in aggressive but you can put in higher fences and explain why.

There is little point asking if they are getting enough help, we all know the answer, and no cake or open conversation will solve that. I would view you dimly if you thought because you were in the teaching profession you help.

I would secure your property so he cant get in your garden or reach in.
As for the slamming against the wall, i cant see how you could stop it or even how they would.

Do you think soundproofing your side would muffle it?

Yabu to assume any responsibility for ndn dc. Protect your property op.. What if he was happy smashing windows not plants? Fence and a calm chat to the dm you are putting one up.

I think that if you mind about the plants (and of course you are entitled to mind) then put in a solid fence to protect them.

Nothing wrong with a good solid fence on your boundary line. Standard fences are about 5 foot tall, so that should be enough to keep him out.
To be honest for the family it is probably better for you to do this than for them to try and keep him out of your garden.

Not much you can do about the hitting the walls.

it is a lovely idea to befriend the mum, I bet she doens't find it easy to get out and make friends if she is doing a lot of caring, but I'd do it at that level, neighbourly friends, rather than interefering in how much support she has.

he is non verbal autistic and you think they should read Diary of a nature lover together???

Six foot fences. Highest fences you’re allowed at the front, and a strong gate. Don’t worry about seeming passive-aggressive – I’m sure the parents would rather he couldn’t access your garden to destroy it too.

I don’t know how to resolve the wall-slamming noise waking your daughter – can her bed be moved away from that wall, and keep nothing on that wall in her bedroom that will rattle?

I would go with the fencing OP and any gates you need with strong bolts, i'm sure they'll understand and maybe even appreciate if it's one less thing for them to worry about him doing.
Re bashing into the wall though honestly can't think of anything other than white noise in your daughters room to try and muffle the sound.

Fencing, as high as you can. Just do it, it doesn't matter what they think.

We did the same. Our neighbours had a screamer ( not autistic just very loud and never told to shut up) who yelled at the top of his lungs for often 5 hours on the trot every day in their front garden. We put a 6 foot 6 fence up which ruined our lovely view but on a psycological level made a huge positive impact for us.

Agree with the high fences... if you really feel like you need to explain, you could send them a message letting them know the reason why, that you understand their challenges and are there for support if ever they need..

Some of the replies on this thread are fabulous examples of how completely deluded some MN are.

Going in aggressive? With parents who have a severely disabled child?

And the parents forgot to teach him to be a nature lover? Perhaps they also forgot to teach him how to talk and not to self-harm by throwing himself against the wall too?

OP, put up the fences, the family next door are probably despairing that their son can get into your garden and will be bloody delighted to have one less thing to worry about in what will be a very hard-fought existence for them.

Yes to fences. It will probably be a relief as they must be dreading it happening too. What a horrible situation for everyone

How is it passive aggressive? Seems sensible to me, get a higher fence asap!

Fences and sound proofing on your side. And be kind to the family next door. They are probably struggling a lot. Do say hello and offer an ear to listen

That's a good idea 👍

You sound lovely and very understanding, OP.
As a parent of an autistic child, I wouldn’t be offended if you put a taller fence up. It’s clearly something needed to visually stop him seeing the plants that trigger this reaction.

Higher fencing is not passive aggressive, it’s an assertive solution to a problem.

OP, put up the fences, the family next door are probably despairing that their son can get into your garden and will be bloody delighted to have one less thing to worry about in what will be a very hard-fought existence for them.

Honestly, this.

I grew up in a three bed semi and the couple next door also had a son who was autistic, also non-verbal. He used to throw things over the fence (very annoying for my mum who is a keen gardener and sunbather) or run into the garden around the side of our house. We’d also hear him running about their laminate floors, slamming doors and, very occasionally, the Dad shouting after a particularly fractious day. On one occasion he ran into the garden and through the kitchen door and into the dining room, where he locked himself in. His mortified dad followed and had to spend the next fifteen minutes trying to coax him out.

The boy’s dad increased the height of their fence, but why my parents never put a gate on their own side I’ll never know.

Anyway we (me, DH and DD) had to move in last year after mum and dad bought a new house and whilst we waited on our new build to be completed. The mum apologised on a few occasions to me about the noise, but it didn’t bother us- these are people trying their best in a tremendously difficult situation. Give them one less thing to worry about and secure your garden properly, they’ll probably be relieved.

Nothing helpful to add but really wanted to post and say I think you're lovely OP.

Being a parent to a child with additional needs is particularly difficult so to see how understanding and kind you've been after having your property damaged is a breath of fresh air.

Thank you so much 🌺

He sounds frightening and aggressive . I feel for his family and I feel for you and your daughter. Agree re fence - stop making it possible for him to do that damage.

I agree you do sound lovely. I would love you to be my neighbour. I would be thrilled if one of my neighboirs asked if they could put a more secure fence up.

In terms of support, they can ask for a carers assessment from their local council and should be eligible for daytime and overnight respite for their son. Probably only odd hours and occasional overnights but it will help you and them. They could also employ a personal assistant (part funded by council) to take him out places. I also recommend them joining their local parent carer forum as they are usually good places to make friends and find out info.

This! Please just increase the height of your fence op.

Sorry but I would think you were massively overstepping if you came and nicely asked me if I was getting all the help I needed for my sons.

I have two boys with autism. Both considerably taller and bigger than me. Both have loud tics and make noise. I also have a whopping fence. That's not an issue though as they both hate the garden. I can understand the telling her why your doing it but I agree she will probably find it a relief.