Advice on handling sensitive neighbour concern

[Vernatts123]

Hi everyone,

We moved into our semi detached firs home six months ago. We have a lovely front garden with Hydrangeas on the left hand side which have been in situ at least 30 years.

The neighbours on our left are rented, a couple in early 40s with three children, the oldest of whom, aged 17 is non verbal autistic. Unfortunately he has taken to reaching over our fence or coming into our garden to destroy our plants. This is happening at least once a week now and it is clear the garden is being damaged as a result, which as a keen gardener is difficult to see. In addition he regularly has epsisodes of challenging behaviour where he will slam into the adjoining walls around 11pm (almost every night) which is hard enough that we can no longer keep anything breakable on shelves on that side of the house. This also wakes my young daughter up regularly and there isn’t a suitable bedroom on the other side of the house to move her to.

I have sympathy for the parents as this is clearly a difficult family set up, and being in the teaching profession I can recognise the barriers parents can often face to gain support from social/disability services. I don’t want to overstep but I am thinking of taking a cake over and opening a conversation with mum about if she is receiving enough support.

Could anyone suggest practical steps I can take to reduce the impact on my family? I have considered higher fences but this seems a bit passive aggressive. I did recently try and engage with the son and let him know that hurting the plants was upsetting. He laughed at me, tore up the plants and threw them in the air, and when his mum tried to tell him off he started to hit their car. I realise he may have little to no awareness of other peoples feelings so this is a difficult situation to resolve.

TIA

Sure drop the cake around and be friendly - I'm sure they will be greatly relieved to know you are understanding that they have little control over their son's outbursts. My friends daughter is autistic and non verbal and she said she could not believe how other parents in her neighbourhood would literally cross the street to avoid them (her daughter is not violent nor had many tantrums and if anything is a bit over friendly, though she has very limited verbal skills). But DO NOT ask about their support situation. I imagine they are exhausted from years of trying everything out there. For you to come in suggesting they look in to X Y or Z would be so patronising.

I think they'd understand if you wanted to put a fence up anyway but popping around with a cake demonstrates that you understand their situation and don't resent them for it. It's just a nice olive branch to me. Something that says "yes, I want to protect my garden but I'm not sat at home fuming about how awful you are". (Unless it's a fruit cake which is the cake of the devil in my eyes ).

Sorry steppemum, that was a lack of knowledge on my part, i didn't know much about non-verbal autism and just read up and realised it's a lot different from the autistic people I know. Sorry about that, my suggestion was out of order :(

I agree with @Stomacharmeleon and @tuliplover don't offer info about support unless it naturally comes up in conversation.

The only thing I'd add in terms of your daughters room. If possible move the bed away and then line that wall with a solid wardrobe and bookcase. Basically anything solid that won't be disturbed by wall slamming, but makes a nice thick barrier. It won't solve all the noise issues, but will help time it down. Plus I imagine less upsetting for your daughter if she's further away.
You sound like a wonderful, considerate neighbour.

good for you. It is rare that people come back and apologise on threads like these.
Impressed you went away and did a bit of research.
🙂

I agree that higher fences will be probably be a relief for your neighbours.