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Original poster

Does anyone else get upset seeing changes being made at their old house?

29 replies

Salome61 · 27/03/2022 22:58

Hello everyone, I was widowed and forced to sell our family home in 2020, I just couldn't afford the bills and upkeep. I was very attached to the house and its memories, especially as my husband died there.

I've just seen an application on the Planning portal and the owner is going to make lots of changes. Some of the things we'd saved up for years to do and they are going to be ripped out.

How can I let go and move on? Is it just grief do you think?

OP posts:
Tryingtokeepgoing · 27/03/2022 23:08

So sorry for your loss. I’m sure it is grief, so all you can do is take time, and see the positives in your new home think. I moved from the house my husband died in last year, though not strictly because I had to but because I felt it was time to move. It helped that we’d both said at various times it wasn’t our ‘forever’ home, but we did do a huge amount to it in to 10 years we were there. I wasn’t sad when I left though, and just said ‘we’ve done a good job here, haven’t we’ to him as the last removal lorry left. The people who bought in are a lovely family, but they’ve got loads of kids and the place looks a mess now. They’ve also jumped on the grey paint bandwagon, which doesn’t really suit an Edwardian house. But, it’s not mine and I have happy memories of when we were there. The new place feels like home, as it’s still got our stuff in it, and they are what create the memories for me. I know my husband would like it, and recognise it if he were to walk though the door. Our old house will make a nice home for the new owners I’m sure

Original poster
Salome61 · 27/03/2022 23:24

Thank you for replying Tryingtokeepgoing. I think part of it is because the buyer kept chipping the price down, and I felt let down by my EA who seemed to be working for him, not me. I felt I'd let my husband down by selling so cheap, to a nasty developer, in a pandemic when the kids couldn't even come to see it because of the travel restrictions. My son came today and I showed him the plans - he said it was what he'd have done if he had the £££. Buyer is spending at least a million on it, I should be glad he's restoring it.

You've helped me see that I need to look forwards, not backwards. Thank you.

OP posts:
Tryingtokeepgoing · 27/03/2022 23:44

I’m sure you did a fantastic job of the old house, and it’s new owners will enjoy it now in their own way. But you’ll now do a fantastic job of making your new house a home as well :) x

NewHomeDream · 27/03/2022 23:44

After I left the house I'd lived in for 23 years, which I found very hard to do, I looked just once on google maps to see what the new owners had done to it. They'd taken down the conservatory, removed all the shrubs and installed decking and created a side-return extension. I was in two minds, partly grieving the memories and remembering all the hard work that had gone into making it a beautiful home yet on the other hand glad to see that the new owners were making their own memories and a new life for themselves there.

friendlycat · 27/03/2022 23:55

I can completely understand how you feel and it’s all part of the grief for your old life and everything that was familiar to you.

But try and take comfort from what your son said being younger and seeing things with different eyes. He thought the plans were good and what he would do given the right budget.

We all live in different times and you were of a generation that saved for things (as did my parents- and I do as well). But it no doubt was time for the property to have a refresh and update. Just because you saved many years ago and did improvements doesn’t mean that it wasn’t time now to upgrade again.

I remember my late father saying they had a new kitchen, but as I had to point out to him it was 16 years old so not exactly new!

One of the things that strikes me is that with any property from a flat to a house or Heritage country pile, actually we are only custodians of them for a while, however long that while is. Eventually someone else will be the next owner and custodian making their own changes.

friendlycat · 27/03/2022 23:59

Sorry I’ve just seen you mention a developer who may well be bulldozing perhaps to rebuild?

Nevertheless take comfort from your son’s comments!

WoolyMammoth55 · 28/03/2022 00:03

OP, I'm sorry for your loss. It also sounds like you had a difficult sale process, and especially heart-breaking as you'd have liked to stay if finances had allowed.

All that said, it's going to make your life feel more joyous if you can make a conscious effort to let the house go and move your attention from the past to your future. (Obviously you say this above so I realise I'm saying nothing new! But just want to re-affirm what you've already realised).

There will doubtless be other families, after these works are done, who will make their own memories in your old house, just like there were families before you owned it who had done the same... It's a lovely thing to be part of the house's story and you had that, but your family was never the only story there (unless it was a new build?!)

Let it go as best you can - even doing something a bit ceremonial like writing a letter to the house/your husband about all that you feel and then burning it up with a candle? (Naff, but I did it when grieving and found it useful! Near a sink full of water for fire safety!) And then move your focus to your current property and how nice your life is there and all the things you look forward to there.

Best wishes and best of luck X

Original poster
Salome61 · 28/03/2022 17:59

Thank you very much for your kind and thoughtful comments. I have come to terms with it today and have just taken the 'tracking' off the planning permission.

It was a beautiful listed grade II building and we never had the money to do what we wanted with it, but my husband came from a tiny house with an outside toilet and it was his castle. I'll hold onto that thought xx

OP posts:
Roselilly36 · 28/03/2022 19:06

No-one can take your lovely memories away, of living there OP. Once you sell a property, most buyers will want to put their stamp on it. Try not to let it upset you.

carefullycourageous · 28/03/2022 19:10

Flowers I think it is understandable in your circumstances, because you lost your lovely DH and also had to give up the home.

I think you do right to not look at the plans etc., try to focus on your memories. How lovely to have shared a home you loved so much with a person you loved so much.

Sprig1 · 28/03/2022 19:15

You need to think of it the other way around. The works to the house will turn it in to a home that someone will really love. It will make another family happy.

user3837313202 · 28/03/2022 19:19

I've gone through something fairly similar recently, selling a family home after a bereavement (parents though, not DH)

Having grown up there I have many cherished memories, but I also know it's been neglected and bodged awfully and everything needs doing. I am trying to think of it in terms of the house having served its time with us, but now needing a new family to take it into the next phase of its life.

I'm trying to be positive - I would love to see what they do with the place I guess knocking on the door and asking for a tour would look a bit mad but I imagine there would also be some tears when I saw it in reality!

Manzana · 28/03/2022 19:35

I understand how you feel, I made the mistake of looking on Zoopla at my late mums home, her beautiful garden, of 50+ years, that had been full of plants and flowers had been reduced to just a lawn. I wished I had not looked. I can only say remember the good and fond memories you have of your home with your husband and try to forget what you have seen/read, whatever you saved for and installed in your home you can remember that the two of you enjoyed together.

bakermummy21 · 28/03/2022 19:51

Understand how you feel. We are in the process of selling my childhood home. So many happy memories and sad to think it's the end of an era. It's been empty for months and it's time for a new family to breathe life into it once again. It's taken me a while to think like this though.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 28/03/2022 20:01

We bought a house last year and the previous owner was slightly obsessive with their hedge. They wanted a such privacy as possible. I see them regularly on the school run as we have a child the same age and they didn't seem to happy to discover its all gone... but it was 2.5m tall and over a metre wide in some places. Its now a vegetable patch. So its what we want to do with our garden... more light and space. Plus a wider driveway (by a foot) to get bikes past the car.

Your emotional connection will be strong as you had to move due to bereavement. Its best not knowing I think. Our old house is due for demolition, it was condemned after we moved out. (Old army housing, we weren't destructive!) And I have mixed feelings about it and we only lived there 18 months.

FourChimneys · 28/03/2022 20:01

I sold a beautiful house which had been in our family for nearly 60 years. It was very dated but much loved. I thought I would be upset about what the new owners did but in fact they have poured so much love and imagination (and money) into it that I am delighted with what they have done. They send me photos from time to time, which I am pleased to see.

The new owners have a framed copy of some paperwork from when my family bought it, all in old fashioned typewriter print and very formal solicitor-speak. They paid nearly £400k so are amused by the £1000 it sold for before.

Maybe it's grief OP, I hope you are able to accept it. Do you have lots of photos to remind you of how it was?

PigletJohn · 28/03/2022 22:30

It helps to walk round and say goodbye to the house.

When it is emptied of all the family's belongings, and you give it a final clean, it is no longer "your" home and the new people will look after it.

After a bereavement, I said goodbye to the home before shutting the door for the last time. I told it it had been a good home and looked after us well, and told it to look after the new people.

I don't want to go back. It's not home any more.

NewHomeDream · 29/03/2022 21:45

@PigletJohn

It helps to walk round and say goodbye to the house.

When it is emptied of all the family's belongings, and you give it a final clean, it is no longer "your" home and the new people will look after it.

After a bereavement, I said goodbye to the home before shutting the door for the last time. I told it it had been a good home and looked after us well, and told it to look after the new people.

I don't want to go back. It's not home any more.

What a beautiful and moving post.

It’s true, we need to learn to let go, as best we can.

💐 for those who have suffered a bereavement.

BustPipes · 29/03/2022 22:27

When we sold my mum's house one of the hardest things about selling it was about knowing I was losing picturing her - picturing her turning her head to talk to me while we watched TV, picturing her coming through a doorway, in the kitchen, looking at me over a book or a newspaper while sitting in a particular chair, with the sun coming in just so.

It's hard when you know you'll never see the surroundings again, because they bring the memories closer, and fuller.

You have to let it go though - people and their lives are far more than the things they did and where they did them. And life goes on.

BustPipes · 29/03/2022 22:28

Well done for stopping following the application.

Candleabra · 29/03/2022 22:33

@PigletJohn

It helps to walk round and say goodbye to the house.

When it is emptied of all the family's belongings, and you give it a final clean, it is no longer "your" home and the new people will look after it.

After a bereavement, I said goodbye to the home before shutting the door for the last time. I told it it had been a good home and looked after us well, and told it to look after the new people.

I don't want to go back. It's not home any more.

I felt just like that after I sold what had been our much loved family home. I still live nearby but never walk past.

It’s sad, especially if you were under pressure to sell. Grief takes all forms, and a long time.

RoseMartha · 29/03/2022 22:37

I understand. I lived in my house for over 20 years and then I got divorced and we sold it.

I know the new people have made several changes as my old neighbours have told me and part of me wants to walk past the outside but I keep stopping myself. It just makes me feel a bit sad.

caringcarer · 29/03/2022 23:00

When my Mum died her house had to be sold. I live about 200 miles away but when I go back to home town to meet up with my sister's I can't even go near to my old childhood home. My sister's have told me they have slabbed over Mum's garden which was her pride and joy and a riot of colour. I just want to have my memories of how it looked like unblemished in my mind. One of my sister's wishes she had not gone back and walked past because it upset her and now she has image of horrible slabs in her head. Best not to look. Then you can keep your own special images safe in your mind.

Gilesmummy · 02/04/2022 21:39

I do hope our previous owners don’t get upset.. they only moved next door and we are having to pretty much gut the house...

I have rented my previous grade 2 listed home which I loved and the tenant has done things without consent and that has upset me more than angered me..

WaitinginVain · 02/04/2022 22:10

I know how you feel OP, I have never been back to my childhood home or those of family members who have passed away. I want to remember them just as they were.

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