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Original poster

Adult son don’t want to move.

36 replies

Barbiebetty · 16/02/2022 01:26

I have 3 dc age 21/15/10 we been living in our current flat for nearly 10yrs now, and been on the social housing mutual house exchange for this time period (I never liked this property). last year I found a lady who’s willing to exchange, and we’re in the process of moving. My 21yr old son has decided if we move, he’s not going to move with me because it’s in Sw london and we live in north london. Even though he’s currently away in Norwich for university. I really don’t know what to do know as I feel like I’m forcing him out our family home if we move, but it might take another 10yrs before I find someone else who’s willing to move with me again, as I don’t live in the most nicest of areas. What do I do?? This situation is causing me so much anxiety.

OP posts:
EnjoyingTheSilence · 16/02/2022 01:29

You move. You adult son can find somewhere else to live

HirplesWithHaggis · 16/02/2022 01:30

You move. He's 21, he's an adult, he'll manage.

Is the new house is big enough to accommodate him should he change his mind?

BottleBrushTree · 16/02/2022 01:32

He’s 21, an adult. He needs to find somewhere else if he doesn’t want to come.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/02/2022 01:39

Move. He's 21, he can come back or find his own place.

mummykel16 · 16/02/2022 01:43

Move, he can grow up

whysoserious123 · 16/02/2022 01:50

Cut the curd ! Move, he can't dictate what you do plus he's an adult

HoppingPavlova · 16/02/2022 01:51

Are you serious. You move. How can you let a 21yo dictate things like this. If he wants to live with you then he lives where you choose to live. Or, he lives wherever else he wants.

I say this as a parent to adult children who all still live at home. If I decided to move and one of my kids said this, I would laugh in their face and presume they’d be looking for somewhere they felt was suitable for them.

HirplesWithHaggis · 16/02/2022 01:55

Tbf, we don't know that the 21 yo is dictating anything, he might be perfectly happy in Norwich. It's just OP worrying.

PrisonerofZeroCovid · 16/02/2022 01:58

Definitely move. need to think about yourself and the DC who still live at home. Your older son might end up staying in Norwich or moving to a completely different city after he graduates. If he does move back to London, he'll probably accept that living in South London with you is a small sacrifice compared with paying a market rent to live in North London.

Blossom64265 · 16/02/2022 02:17

You move.

He is going to be starting his independent life soon. He can put up with his accommodation when he has University breaks being in a slightly inconvenient location.

Flatandhappy · 16/02/2022 02:41

Of course you move. If adult kids don’t like the accommodation on offer they make their own arrangements. I think it is sad that you are feeling anxious about this, he sounds like a very self centred young man.

Towardsus · 16/02/2022 02:42

I don’t have any suggestions for you OP, but I do sympathise with your son. My DC who are at uni don’t want us to move more than a couple of miles! They have friends within walking distance here. If you move across London you may as well be many miles away in terms of the ease of seeing friends. These things do matter to people.

How do your younger DC feel about it OP?

TulaOfDarkWater · 16/02/2022 03:11

If you move across London you may as well be many miles away in terms of the ease of seeing friends. These things do matter to people.

As a Londoner I completely disagree with this, in fact I think it’s the opposite & London is actually one of the best places to move around in and still maintain friendships as its so well connected by public transport. It’s not difficult or time consuming to hop on a tube & meet halfway in Central for example.

Also OPs son is 21, I imagine his friends are also of a similar age & will be starting to move out on their own too so there’s no guarantee his friends will even stay local as by and large, housing tends to be cheaper south of the river (obviously there are exceptions). At this age, people usually start to move on and shift about so it’s silly for OP to stay put for only this reason.

senua · 16/02/2022 03:17

Your older son might end up staying in Norwich or moving to a completely different city after he graduates. If he does move back to London, he'll probably accept that living in South London with you is a small sacrifice compared with paying a market rent to live in North London.
This.
I'd be more worried about the other two. Is DS2 being moved in the middle of GCSEs? Will he get a sixth-form / college place? Will DS3 get a secondary school place?

Original poster
Barbiebetty · 16/02/2022 03:19

Thank you for all your replies, I had him at 18 so it’s always been me and him through all the ups and downs life has handed to me. He is a good “boy/man” and has said “he thinks the house is nice” and if it was any other part of london he would of been more willing to move with me. But he is very adamant that when he finishes university he’s going to try and buy his own places and me moving is just the push him to make this happen. I understand he’s an adult and I need to cut the apron strings, it’s just I feel like I’m forcing out of our home and that was never my intentions. The other two dc are fine with the move. And quite excited to have there own room.

OP posts:
HirplesWithHaggis · 16/02/2022 03:27

But you're not forcing him out at all. You'll always have a space for him, even if that's the sofa or the living room floor, he can still come home. That he's talking about buying his own place is brilliant (London prices?!) and shows ambition. His life as an adult is starting, but you can still be a safety net.

Saltyquiche · 16/02/2022 03:29

Tell him he’s always welcome in your new house. He will get used to the area.

MadeForThis · 16/02/2022 04:37

He sounds sensible. Not angry. It's time for him to build a life of his own.

Haus1234 · 16/02/2022 04:42

As long as there’s space for him in the new house then it’s all his choice and he’s an adult now so don’t worry about it too much! He has to move out at some point!

Good on him for having ambition to buy a house in London straight out of uni, but it does seem quite tricky unless he has a deposit already and it is a bit surprising he’d want to miss out on the opportunity to live at home for a year or 2 to save up a bit.

debbrianna · 16/02/2022 04:53

Are you happy to deprive the other two of thier own room? Why favour one over the other 2 who will live with you probably longer due to thuer age

ShippingNews · 16/02/2022 05:55

I feel like I’m forcing him out our family home if we move

You're not forcing him out of his family home - he has lived there for 10 years, not his whole life. You need to move for very good reasons - don't let him push you to stay just because he wants to. Especially when he says when he finishes university he’s going to try and buy his own place . He is planning to move on, so let him grow up and do that .

I'm sure you'll always have a home for him after you move - it's not like you're putting him on an ice floe and pushing him out to sea.

Totalwasteofpaper · 16/02/2022 06:02

Move and cut the apron strings.

I really thought it was going to be something like moving from Angel to the outer hebridies! rather than within the m25!

Ultimately if he is in a pinch and actually needs to move homefor whatever he will overcome the classic londonder North/South mental barrier. Otherwise you are helping him gain independence which is a good thing.

Antsgomarching · 16/02/2022 06:09

You know despite what he says he’ll probably still land up on your doorstep, young students and post grads rarely have any actual money. And if he doesn’t you can still be immensely proud you raised a young man who is independent and getting on with getting himself sorted.

Monty27 · 16/02/2022 06:12

Get on with your life OP. It'll be fine and good luck 🙂

gamerchick · 16/02/2022 06:16

You're not forcing him. He's making his own choices. Move as if he's going with you, make him his own space and let him feel the adult ground. If he can't handle it he's welcome to come back. If he does then he's just launched a little earlier than he had planned.