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Original poster

Anxiety and neighbour noise

41 replies

AlwaysAnxious1 · 06/01/2022 11:30

Hi all, I came on here to try and help how I feel. I have always had anxiety which I mainly cope with. A few years ago we lived in a flat and normal neighbour noise did not bother me until a time whereby an awful neighbour moved in. She wrecked our lives and was up all night blasting music, having people around and was an alcoholic. The only rest we got was when she was arrested. We had to move out in the end and my anxiety was so much better, we rented a new build with thick walls. However the landlord had to sell up and we moved again last week. I have 2 12 year old boys and the area seems nice enough. The property is a 2 bed and attached to the one next door. When I knock the walls they seem quite thick however I hear the odd door close and sometimes someone talking. In the kitchen I can hear things at times too. The issue is, because of the neighbour issue before, I'm looking for noise and I am avoiding going back. I even booked a hotel the other night for the family citing a treat. I wake up sick and can only think about it. The family next door consist of a family of 4 and although I have spoken to the man, the mum is very reserved. It is ruining my life but they haven't even done anything. I need to rationalise and just try to be logical. My partner does not even notice it and neither do the kids. I have to sleep with the window open, just incase there is a noise and I can listen to outside noise instead. My doctor thinks I may have a bit of PTSD but I just wanted to know if it is normal to hear a noise every now and then from neighbours? I may have always had it but it never registered until that issue with the neighbour. The people next door don;t play loud music or anything!

OP posts:
JorisBonson · 06/01/2022 11:33

Unless it's a detached house, I think you should expect some level of noise.

Original poster
AlwaysAnxious1 · 06/01/2022 11:38

I think that's kind of what I need to hear. They are definitely not being overly loud and it seems like they are just living normally. I just cannot get this feeling out of me, genuinely cannot remember the last time I felt like this and need to snap out of it for my partner and kids. Every little noise makes me shudder and feel sick.

OP posts:
WhatAWasteOfOranges · 06/01/2022 11:58

Don’t let this ruin your life!! Either try and live with it or move to a detached asap if you have a break clause or have you just purchased this house?

winnieanddaisy · 06/01/2022 12:07

Do you work? Maybe being out of the house several hours a day may take your mind off it ? Have you tried noise cancelling headphones ? If you own the property you can sound insulate the walls between the houses .

Tater05 · 06/01/2022 12:07

I'm really sensitive to noise and can to some extent understand, noisy neighbours that I've had in the past have seriously impacted my life at the times I was living there!

However I tend to be ok with normal day to day noises I can hear from neighbours. I'm currently in a semi detached house so sometimes hear the neighbours walking down the hallway or coughing etc but I think because they're normal noises, and they're not being inconsiderate or anything, it doesn't bother me.

I don't know if it would help but if you look up flare audio they have earplugs called Calmer. I have a pair that I mainly use for the cinema or shopping and they just sort of dull background noises so they're not as harsh and you stop noticing them as much. But they don't change how you hear what you're focused on, like I said I wear them at the cinema and it doesn't change the sound quality of the film but it stops me getting irrationally angry at people munching on popcorn!

dubyalass · 06/01/2022 12:08

I totally get where you're coming from, and it's interesting that your GP mentioned PTSD. I am the same - previously had noisy neighbours, not to the extent that yours was, but still at random times and generally inescapable other than by leaving the house. None of it was malicious, they were nice people just with no awareness of how their lifestyle might impact others. And some people are just noisy. They also kept different hours to me, so I was always sleeping with earplugs and had constant anxiety about when the music might start.

I can hear my current neighbours on both sides, and one likes the occasional party, but his living room is on the far side of his house so the noise doesn't travel. He also keeps similar hours to me so it works ok. The others have a baby and I hear them in their kitchen, but otherwise they are pretty quiet and very considerate. I sleep really well in this house but I am trying to buy somewhere at the moment and I am really worried about neighbour noise after the previous lot. I know it's the luck of the draw and people can move on etc, but there do seem to be a lot of selfish arseholes out there. I live in fear of ending up next to people who buy one of those outdoor TVs or who think that garden karaoke is a good idea.

Anyway, you have my sympathy/empathy. It's just a question of reminding yourself what normal neighbour noise is, and it takes a while for the anxiety to abate. I now quite like hearing the kids on either side!

Original poster
AlwaysAnxious1 · 06/01/2022 12:11

@winnieanddaisy

Do you work? Maybe being out of the house several hours a day may take your mind off it ? Have you tried noise cancelling headphones ? If you own the property you can sound insulate the walls between the houses .
I work which helps but it is quiet at the moment and my mind focuses on this far too much. Unfortunately I am renting but will look into the headphones. There is not even much noise, I think it is because I am looking for it. I was looking at a white noise machine.
OP posts:
cherrypie66 · 06/01/2022 12:12

My next door neighbour was like you and made our life a misery we are a normal family noise wise we can't live in silence but would never be unreasonable. Try and let it go and realise they arnt going to be like your old neighbours and enjoy the fresh start.

Original poster
AlwaysAnxious1 · 06/01/2022 12:13

@Tater05

I'm really sensitive to noise and can to some extent understand, noisy neighbours that I've had in the past have seriously impacted my life at the times I was living there!

However I tend to be ok with normal day to day noises I can hear from neighbours. I'm currently in a semi detached house so sometimes hear the neighbours walking down the hallway or coughing etc but I think because they're normal noises, and they're not being inconsiderate or anything, it doesn't bother me.

I don't know if it would help but if you look up flare audio they have earplugs called Calmer. I have a pair that I mainly use for the cinema or shopping and they just sort of dull background noises so they're not as harsh and you stop noticing them as much. But they don't change how you hear what you're focused on, like I said I wear them at the cinema and it doesn't change the sound quality of the film but it stops me getting irrationally angry at people munching on popcorn!

I think it is definitely the previous issue that has caused me to feel like this as my partner and kids do not notice. I just want to get to the point where the day to day noises do not bother me.

I am going to look into the earplugs now, thank you very much.

OP posts:
abigailsnan · 06/01/2022 12:14

Can you invest in noise cancelling headphones as suggested up thread you may only need them for a short while until you feel calmer in your new surroundings.

Original poster
AlwaysAnxious1 · 06/01/2022 12:14

@cherrypie66

My next door neighbour was like you and made our life a misery we are a normal family noise wise we can't live in silence but would never be unreasonable. Try and let it go and realise they arnt going to be like your old neighbours and enjoy the fresh start.
I would never talk to them about it and they must get noise from us. We have 2 children so are definitely not as quiet as a mouse :). They are definitely not unreasonable although not the most friendly. Some people like to keep themselves to themselves I suppose.
OP posts:
Notcontent · 06/01/2022 12:17

I am the same as @dubyalass

Had some issues in the past with a neighbour having very late night parties and never knowing when the music and shouting might start, which has made me over sensitive. Ok at the moment and I have become more relaxed. But if I move in the future, I know I will never move to a flat! I would rather live in a tiny shack in the middle of nowhere…

Tempusfudgeit · 06/01/2022 12:18

Have a read about misophonia - it's very real.

Original poster
AlwaysAnxious1 · 06/01/2022 12:18

Thank you all, it's so nice to have people who can either understand or say it how it is! It's odd because a truck outside the house or barking dogs do not bother me! General noise does not even bother me but it is when the noise comes from a neighbour that makes me feel like this. I have some counselling through work on Monday which may help.

OP posts:
Tillow4ever · 06/01/2022 12:21

Sorry to hear you are feeling this way. Has your GP suggested therapy to help you? I think it could be extremely beneficial to you as you don't want this to be controlling your life and making you anxious all the time - it's no way to live!

Good luck!Thanks

Seeline · 06/01/2022 12:30

It is definitely normal to hear noises from neighbouring properties unless you live miles away from anyone. We are in a detached property, but probably not quite 2m between us and our neighbours and I can still hear noises from both sides.

I WFH and find ti disturbs me, even though it is only quiet. I find the best solution is just to have the radio on at a low level.

Abracadabra12345 · 06/01/2022 12:38

I’m the same and dreading warmer weather. Several neighbours now work from home or are retired and one plays outdoor music at random times when it’s warmer. There were loud work calls from one side and speaker phone calls from the other. I think we’ll be in for teenage hang out in one of the new garden structures.

Our house is brilliantly located for many reasons and I’m the only one like this. My DH won’t hear of moving and I don’t blame him and with more wfh going on and warmer weather, it will grow. Unless we live in the middle of nowhere which isn’t going to happen, I need to desensitise and learn to live with this.

I’ve read of audiologists who are trained in CBT to deal with the thoughts and anxiety that accompany this kind of noise sensitivity and trauma (we had a very loud music playing neighbour too). It would be great if there was someone on MN familiar with this and how to access it so we could advise and support each other. It’s a miserable way to live isn’t it?

Abracadabra12345 · 06/01/2022 12:40

@AlwaysAnxious1

Thank you all, it's so nice to have people who can either understand or say it how it is! It's odd because a truck outside the house or barking dogs do not bother me! General noise does not even bother me but it is when the noise comes from a neighbour that makes me feel like this. I have some counselling through work on Monday which may help.
Please come back to this thread and tell me how the counselling goes on Monday
flappydoo · 06/01/2022 12:44

There is a big difference between 'normal' noise in a semi/terrace, and inconsiderate/problem noise. I've been where you are, waiting anxiously for the normal noise to turn into problem noise because of previous experiences, and it's really stressful - every little peep on the other side of the wall sets you on edge. It's mainly why we bought detached this time, but it's the first time we've been able to afford it, and if it's not possible for you you do need to find a way to calm yourself or you'll drive yourself nuts!

All I can say is that most people are nice so getting to know them will definitely help, some noise is normal, and if your new neighbours were going to be like your old neighbours, you would most likely know by now. I found that having the radio or TV on low a lot of the time really takes the edge off the silence and stops you hearing every little noise next door make as they go about their business.

Interesting you say about traffic noise not bothering you - I'm exactly the same - weather noise, traffic noise, music/party in the neighbourhood somewhere, no problem. Neighbours being loud and irritating as a one off - instant anxiety that they are about to start behaving like this constantly! It's definitely some kind of subconscious 'learned' response to previous experiences.

Foreverlexicon · 06/01/2022 12:47

Absolutely. I live in an old semi with thick walls and we still hear the neighbour’s baby crying occasionally.

Lived in another semi previously and heard much more. Just normal day to day noises.

ArblemarzipanTFruitcake · 06/01/2022 12:51

This sounds like the normal noise you hear in a semi or terrace.

Would it help to separate the noise in your head into 'deliberate' and 'unintentional'? I find the unintentional noise of daily life - doors closing, washing machine going, the odd loud comment - much less annoying than deliberate noise such as blaring music.

HPFA · 06/01/2022 12:57

General noise does not even bother me but it is when the noise comes from a neighbour that makes me feel like this

When you've had the horror of a noisy neighbour you'll always be a bit on the alert but hopefully as you adjust to the fact your new neighbours are fine you'll automatically start to relax.

An ex-boyfriend once took me to hear a band in a pub who I found really boring. I was tired and actually fell asleep in the pub - I don't even drink alcohol so it wasn't that! I'd always found it weird that I fell asleep really easily but if that noise had been pumping through from the neighbours I'd have been a devastated mess by the morning!

Paranoidandroidmarvin · 06/01/2022 13:24

A house I had years ago was terrible for parking. I would always come hone to people parked o we my drive and had countless arguments with people about it. I used to get an anxiety attack when I knew I was coming home.

We moved house and even though it was in a village and everyone had driveways it took a few months for my heart not to pound when I came home. I would give it some time. And I would cut urself some slack. When things take over ur life in the way this did. It will take w while to settle. But it will

Original poster
AlwaysAnxious1 · 06/01/2022 13:50

@ArblemarzipanTFruitcake That maybe a technique that could help.

@flappydoo I like your idea about having the TV or radio on low at all times, maybe overtime my anxiety will improve and I won't have the issue at the forefront of my mind.

There is another house attached to my neighbours on the other side so I like to think they would be considerate and even on new years eve I did not hear them much. It's odd because my partner heard loads at the old place and hears nothing here yet at the old place it did not register with me, maybe because I was familiar with the neighbours.

OP posts:
DidoDino · 06/01/2022 14:02

Sympathies OP, I'm the same. I use white noise machines, the radio, and rain noise on the smart speaker to create background noise in every room which means I'm not constantly vigilant for the sounds I find upsetting.