I think I’ve made a huge mistake

[Stargazer84]

I’ve bought a house with my bf, we’ve been living apart for 3 years, a lot has gone on during the house purchase and it was lengthy.

He has a kid from a previous relationship. It’s too late now to back out; but I feel like I really don’t want to move there, it’s away from my family and friends (although not many still live round here) it’s 25 miles away from here. Ive not tried it or moved in yet but I just feel so awful, like I’m dreading it.

I put more of the deposit in, double his. I protected it with a deed of trust. What do we do if I feel the same in a few months? I feel trapped and overwhelmed like I just want to run away

Worst case scenario you sell and buy somewhere else, you might find you get used to it though or is it just the distance?

Ah, poor you, it's horrid to feel like this, but it is really common to have cold feet before a major change. You can't do much now apart from trying it out. It'll probably be lovely, but if it isn't, at least you have protected your money with a deed of trust. Smart move.
Fwiw, I moved in with someone and it didn't work out and I was very glad I had my deed of trust in place.

Have you exchanged contracts or completed?

Is it definitely too late to back out? I wouldn’t go ahead if you’re feeling that way. It could be a nightmare (& expensive) if you complete & then find it was the wrong decision.

Can you not pull out

Yep. All too late to pull out, got the keys but neither of us can even move in because we’ve come down with covid. I’ve got to isolate till Saturday, my step daughter is isolating till Monday and now my OH who was negative on lateral flows has the same symptoms as us, so he’s done a PCR today so no doubt he will be isolating for 10 days now at his parents, so we can’t even move in at this point.

I’ve had a house before with a bf, and did the same with a trust deed because he had no deposit and then wanted adding on the mortgage. It worked out ok because it was an old do-er upper and we added value, the price went up and I got my deposit back too. We were in it 7 years though.

But this feels different, the place I’m moving to is on the outskirts of the city, I don’t really like the city much. I like the place I live now, it’s a small pretty town here. We couldn’t stay here though because his daughters school is in the city, so we’ve compromised a new build, 6 miles from the school (25 mins in traffic) and 25 miles from my home town, it’s an easy enough drive, straight down the m1, the house is easy access to the motorway.

The house is smaller than I imagined, and I feel like it just isn’t me. I’m more of an old character House, but there wasn’t any that didn’t need gutting and I couldn’t handle 7 years of that with my OH and his kid in tow. We wanted something less hassle that we could move into.

It’s been hard the past 1.5-2 years, he’s been going back and forth staying here and at his parents trying to do school runs from here the odd day. The mum has got a career and he’s ended up with his kid all the time; it’s caused a lot of stress being apart and lately we’ve been down to seeing eachother 1-2 times a week, I guess I had started to get used to space and time on my own. And now all of a sudden I’ve bought this house with him and I feel so trapped and terrified; all I can do is cry. I’m worried I will hate it, and won’t have a life outside step parenting in a place I don’t really like, and if it doesn’t work out; what will I do? How much unraveling before I’m back to this point and I’m in my mid-late thirties. But then I know if I didn’t try it; I would have wondered what if, because we’ve only ever had a life that’s seperate and never had a place that’s our own

I would prepare yourself for it to take more than a few months to settle in. I moved from London to the midlands to live with DP and I found it really difficult - I wasn't settled for a good few years and my heart and soul was fully in our relationship and decision to move to this area.

I don’t like the sound of your description of his daughter, his kid, doesn’t sound like do you want to be in this relationship which is absolutely fine, you don’t have to be . I would just be painting and make it look pretty for the photos and just get it back on the market and explain to him that you’ve rushed into this and you’d like to cool things for awhile and see how they go, worst mistake in the world would be to just move in and suck it up feeling like this.

I think I will have to try it and see what happens; I have no choice at this point anyway. It’s been a tough year for sure. The relationship dynamic has changed so much since we met. And has gone from a situation where we have holidays and spend time together to a situation where he’s pushed to have full custody and doesn’t want to do much other than be a parent. He’s told me we won’t have anymore holidays together. So I guess it’s hard to see a future at this point and to visualise a happy future of us doing things as a couple as well as a family. I understand she comes first, but it’s making me feel very vulnerable and unsafe in my relationship.

Do you think it would be possible to get out of this if it doesn’t work? Let’s say 3 months down the line or 6 months even if I’m feeling trapped and still can’t adjust or see a future for me, then what would we do? How would I escape? I still have some savings left aside. But not enough to buy a place right now on my salary, all the money is tied up in the house with my trust deed. I’m just worried I won’t get the money back if he didn’t want to or couldn’t afford to buy me out, and then what would we do?

You would have to take it to court and force the sale if he wasn’t willing or able to cooperate at which point you would be responsible for making him and his child homeless there’s no getting away from it and the costs would be horrendous.

The worst thing you can do is to move in with him and for you two to start building a nest there if you know you’re not staying in your heart.

What possessed you to do this?

You don’t want the house, and it certainly sounds like you don’t want this child in your life.

Why are you in this relationship?
The whole thing sounds like it’ll be a disaster.

@Stargazer84

I think I will have to try it and see what happens; I have no choice at this point anyway. It’s been a tough year for sure. The relationship dynamic has changed so much since we met. And has gone from a situation where we have holidays and spend time together to a situation where he’s pushed to have full custody and doesn’t want to do much other than be a parent. He’s told me we won’t have anymore holidays together. So I guess it’s hard to see a future at this point and to visualise a happy future of us doing things as a couple as well as a family. I understand she comes first, but it’s making me feel very vulnerable and unsafe in my relationship.

Do you think it would be possible to get out of this if it doesn’t work? Let’s say 3 months down the line or 6 months even if I’m feeling trapped and still can’t adjust or see a future for me, then what would we do? How would I escape? I still have some savings left aside. But not enough to buy a place right now on my salary, all the money is tied up in the house with my trust deed. I’m just worried I won’t get the money back if he didn’t want to or couldn’t afford to buy me out, and then what would we do?

Can his parents help him buy you out? I would suggest if its £50K -he sees if he has able parents -they lend you the money to buy him out.

Can your parents -buy him out? or his parents buy you out? Can you afford it on your own -put it in sole name now -offer him the option or tell him you can buy him etc -do not move it without it being sorted

I don’t have a choice now Jessie, it’s too late. I just don’t know what to do, it’s such a mess. If he didn’t want to sell, and didn’t want to buy me out, am I just stuck there forever?

No, I can’t afford to buy him out, I earn half as much as he does. Potentially his parents could help take on part of the mortgage and my share to buy me out perhaps if it didn’t work out.

I think you need to be honest about this with him because it would be incredibly disruptive for his daughter to move there and then be uprooted in three months time. Why not admit you have made a mistake and put the house back on the market immediately before you move in? You might lose some money from the deal but it's less traumatic for all of you. It would be horrible for them both to be treading on eggshells because you are deep down unhappy and not prepared to say why until three or four months have passed.

I know, and that’s the least thing I want. I do love them both and see them as my family, that’s why there is a chance it could work and I’m really hoping so in my heart. We’ve had a really stressful year and had to spend a lot of time apart and it’s been testing on all of us, I think we all need some stability and a home together but also I feel so scared, I really hope it’s just anxiety due to us having covid and isolating separately and not being able to move in.

You are ill with Covid and things always seem worse when you are ill and tired. The best thing is to move in, see how it goes and dont think too much further than that at this point.

I think I’m also worrying about the money, because I don’t earn that much. I earn half he does. He’s on 55k I’m on 26k, so I’m worried that if we broke up; I wouldn’t be able to afford it on my own either, and that I could end up trapped somehow and liable for all the mortgage

After our deposits the mortgage left is about 210k between us. He could afford it on his own just about, but he couldn’t afford to buy my deposit out I don’t think, not without some help from his family, but they are good people and they wouldn’t leave us in a mess I’m sure

Sounds like you fucked up in a major way op? You don't want to move in with him do you but you've bought the property. I don't know what to advise ... maybe go along with it and leave him after Christmas.

I wouldn’t do serious decisions atm when you are unwell with Covid. It’s not a good idea.
I can’t advice about the house but please think carefully about your contraception until you are sure 100% what you want next.

We’ve been together 3 years, I’ve not got any plans to have a baby right now, I’m on the pill

At the beginning of the thread it sounds like you had an issue with the house but now it actually sounds like you're saying you don't want to be in a relationship with him?