I think I’ve made a huge mistake

[Stargazer84]

I’ve bought a house with my bf, we’ve been living apart for 3 years, a lot has gone on during the house purchase and it was lengthy.

He has a kid from a previous relationship. It’s too late now to back out; but I feel like I really don’t want to move there, it’s away from my family and friends (although not many still live round here) it’s 25 miles away from here. Ive not tried it or moved in yet but I just feel so awful, like I’m dreading it.

I put more of the deposit in, double his. I protected it with a deed of trust. What do we do if I feel the same in a few months? I feel trapped and overwhelmed like I just want to run away

Why did you double his deposit when he earns about £30k more than you? It sound like you have cold feet about the relationship and not just the house.

I agree with the others saying you have cold feet about the relationship!

In my opinion it sounds like your partner could have compromised with you more when deciding where to live.

I have recently moved in with my partner and we got a house together with a deed of trust. He was in the suburbs of a big city and I was in a nearby town. He has moved to where I am, despite it meaning a longer school run for his kids because I feel more secure, its closer to my work, and he would not continue living here if something happened to us. The house was cheaper than we could afford meaning I could just about manage the mortgage on my own if I had to buy him out.

Despite this I still got a bit freaked out when we first moved in, and I am slowly getting used to it. It's a big change from living alone with my LO - I am the sole parent. But I've made clear that, rather than being a conventional family who rely on each other and will always be tied together through children, we are independent adults who have chosen to come together so we are happier and we support each other which also has a positive effect on our parenting and children. If we stopping making each other happy, we can go our separate ways. Telling myself this has made me feel less 'trapped'.

I think you need to talk to him about this, and also consider getting a legally binding co-habitation agreement with your deed of trust. This would lay out in more detail what would happen in the event of separation.

If it is really too late to back out (have you completed?) then you could give it a go. It's not the end of the world if you hate it and it all goes wrong. He would have to be pretty nasty to refuse to sell and keep you there. You would sell, take back your deposits and move on - of course it would be an emotional and financial hit, but not the end of the world. You have people wanting to sell up as soon as they moved posting on here all the time, for far lesser reasons.

If he is a kind, understanding and supportive partner you should be able to talk about your feelings and he should be able to give you more reassurance.

If you decide to resell be aware that buyers would not be able to get a mortgage on a property that has sold within the previous 3 months. Good Luck with whatever you decide.

I do love them both and see them as my family, that’s why there is a chance it could work if you really mean this, then I would start from this point. It's a huge step - both buying a house and moving in together - and after so much time apart recently it's not surprising you feel a bit jittery, but surely you would never have got to this point if your heart hadn't been in it? It's only 25 minutes away from where you live now - not the other side of the country. Is it a new build bought off plan? Is that why it's smaller than you imagined? Stop fantasising about old houses with character and appreciate the fact that it will be be brand spanking new so you can move straight in and get on with living there. The fact that he has a DD is not a surprise to you - you've always known they come as a package - and the fact that he is a devoted dad should raise him in your expectations if anything (certainly more admirable imo than someone who is always trying to palm their child off). Move in there and get on with it - I know if I didn’t try it; I would have wondered what if, because we’ve only ever had a life that’s separate and never had a place that’s our own - you said it yourself. It will be different, it won't be like life apart, but that's the case whenever you take the plunge. Go into it determined to make a lovely life for the three of you. In many ways going into something with your eyes open is better than going in all starry eyed and then watching wheels fall off.

Is he a nice guy? Do you think you love him?

He’s a lovely guy, kind and caring, great dad. Takes care of his family. But the last 6 months has been tough, we haven’t spent much quality time together, only seen eachother a few times a week, it’s been stressful, so I think it may have affected things emotionally for me. That combined with moving away from home is just making me feel really really unsettled and uneasy. I want to curl up in a ball and hide in an empty room