Help! We bought a house and I hate the area!

[CheeseBiscuitsChutney]

Hello All! Sorry in advance, but need the rant. We have just bought our first house after 8 years in a one bed new build flat. We’re based in South London.

When I bought the flat, the area was considered “dodgy” but over the years gentrified and it sold for twice as much. I also, therefore, considered myself fairly used to being in what was thought of as a pretty rough area.

Fast forward to earlier this year. We wanted a house with a garden, 3 beds, space to grow and a place to park the car - close to a station. Saw a number of houses in our budget in the more “affluent” areas but we were seriously compromising on bedrooms and space. Then came a massive, 1930s house which ticked all the boxes and more. Surrounding outstanding schools. But in a pretty rough area.

We visited the area numerous times, walked around, met the nice neighbours (all 30+ year veterans of the street), explored the shops. Ok, wasn’t beautiful - but didn’t feel uncomfortable and everything was on our doorstep. So we bought it.

Moved in, and at the start enjoyed having the shops so close; neighbours bought us welcome gifts and we started to put our stamp on the place.

Then I fell pregnant, and everything has changed. Overnight, I felt this sudden hatred for the area. The noise, the crime, the rubbish, the lack of immediate green space. As someone who’s lived in inner London for over 10 years I suddenly crave a village lifestyle away from it all.

I now resent the area - not the house, the area. To me it is so bleak, and I don’t feel safe. I cannot find any mother/baby groups in the immediate area and I rarely see anyone around that are new families. I haven’t been sleeping for weeks because I’m so stressed about it, and I’m constantly miserable and tearful. It’s driving a huge wedge between me and my partner and I fear driving some ante natal depression.

I want to know - has anyone ever been in a similar situation? Were you able to come around to the area, or did you sell at the earliest opportunity? Any tips or experiences would be so greatly appreciated as I feel like I’m slowly losing my mind!

Sort of similar, I came to like the area because it was where I bought my dc home, where they had their first steps, where they would play in the garden etc. Dh never did and we did eventually move, but many years later. I think that when you have the baby you will find some groups and you are in your home a lot so it feels more familiar.

what would you see as a solution?

@Cattitudes so good to hear, and thank you for sharing I really appreciate it :-)

@ivykaty44 the options really are wait it out until we can sell (advised fo wait 2 years) or rent it out and we’ll find a temporary rental property instead. Exploring options currently!

Totally agree and we are in a similar situation in a house I love but in SW London in a town where I cannot walk out of my house to somewhere I'd consider nice to go with my baby! Cannot wait to move away from all the people and pollution

@CheeseBiscuitsChutney are you willing to share which part of South London? I cant help you wrt selling your house, but im in SW London and happy to share tips on baby groups if that would help as quite a few are franchises.

How far along are you and have you done your antenatal classes? I knew no mums in my area until i did the NCT classe and then created my own little network. We've all shared tips on classes and groups we've found. Im in a similar position to @sxxyfing in that there aren't that many in my immediate area but ive found loads a short bus journey away and have done loads of walking round the lovely parks in SW London. Also, Merton does a free baby massage class for first time mums and free music sessions in the libraries, so that has also introduced me to new people in the area. Maybe we can help make it a little more bearable for you?

I've found loads of places that I can get to but I just want to be able to walk out of my house! And I have to drive everywhere. And there's traffic constantly and people everywhere! I'm trying to convince DH to move to the coast which I hope we will do in a few years, I want a better life for my girl (not to say this life isn't good but I don't think we earn enough to live here and make it worthwhile, outgoings are too high etc and it affects our quality of life).

@Sxxyfing @GuidingSpirit thanks both so much for responding - it really means a lot. We’re in the Broad Green area of Croydon if you know it? About 4 miles away from Merton.

I’m only 14 weeks, and I’ve signed up to NCT. But I’ve noticed all of the activities are in a slightly different area - very little directly here. Plus side I guess is super close to the station and trams so I can get out and about.

Really appreciate your support and kindness - my first ever post on here x

I can sympathise. I moved when I had my baby. I moved from south london to what is considered a nicer part. But for me, having a baby changed my perspective.
Everything looked so dirty, all of a sudden dog shit on the street used to really wind me up, the pollution I’d grown up with suddenly felt choking etc. I was on some local social media groups and kept reading about more muggings etc. I spent many hours on Rightmove looking at houses elsewhere where I imagined everything was better.
But for me that feeling of despair passed. It was part of my anxiety/ desire to give my baby the best. But saying that Having a baby changes Your perspective entirely. It may well be that what you need has changed. Can I ask where you are? I’m curious to know if I know it.

Ah just saw your last post. I don’t know that area. But, isn’t Croydon going up in price? You did well on the last property!
For the first few years your baby doesn’t need much. Could you stay there, let your property price go up and then move for primary school age?
It sounds as though you may have to move to a smaller place. But that will be the challenge. Would you rather a bigger place in a less nice area or a smaller place somewhere nicer.

You've got good neighbours who've spent their lives there & a good house. Honestly that's half the battle at least. Nearby shops will come in so handy when the baby arrives-congratulations!

I discovered a new world of local mums when I had my first. Check local churches for baby groups-they're generally very welcoming. I bought my first lovely house in a rougher area with long term residents in Manchester but it was fine. Ask your midwife or gp for advice if you don't know places. Maybe even your neighbours. Good luck, it's stressful but if I think my first port of call would be trying to feel positive towards the area-fake it til you make it type thing & see if you can shift these feelings. If not, then look at plan b/c - there's already those possible contingencies in place but a large part of this could be your hormones. I went down a couple of unnecessary mental rabbit holes when I was pregnant & these feelings may naturally pass

@Thinking2041 you are literally speaking my mind! All the things I once enjoyed about London and missed when I was away from it (the slight craziness of it all, the vibrancy of so many people, the convenience of so many shops, the “never sleeps”) is suddenly, exactly that, suffocating!

I think it truly is my maternal instinct suddenly kicking in and totally changing my perspective.

Croydon is having a huge amount of money put into it, and everywhere you look there’s a new development popping up. But how much it will really impact / improve this area remains to be seen! I’m hoping it is the general anxiety etc that comes with a first pregnancy, and that it subsides.

Thank you for all your support x

OP, I know what you mean, but I wonder whether your idyllic vision is real or just driven by hormones, I've noticed the Uk looking extremely tatty, not just in the rougher parts but everywhere, our road has potholes, rubbish not picked up enough, leaves all in road, it just looks unkempt. Top of town has lots of people with drug and alcohol issues.

I don't think it's just where you live- I'm sure there are some nice villages out there but many places have seen better days.

I think this is pre-natal anxiety and you have fixed on something which is making you anxious/not sleeping and it's a vicious circle. Can you talk with your GP or midwife and explain how you feel? I don't know moving is the solution right now. I would focus on making your own lovely sounding home really nice. Also, you have nice neighbours and actually that is amazing- I moved from somewhere with a lot of neighbour trouble and having a lovely peaceful home with nice neighbours is something valuable. The rest of the area you can either learn to deal with in time or move in a few years.

This happened to me too! First property was amazing location but it wasn’t pretty. Fell pregnant and started hating the area so much. I was desperate to move. We ended up renting our place out and buying somewhere else. Only downfall was paying the stamp duty as additional buyers BUT we hope to sell the flat and recoup the costs.

Love the new area, much greener and amazing baby groups etc. I do think your perspective does change when having children. Another friend of mine moved into a massive house next to amazing schools. Now she’s a mum she wants to sell up and move to the country and downsize. She’ll do this in a few years (probably stick it out for 5 years or so) and then find something suitable for the long term.

Good luck with it all!

Op I suffered badly from antenatal depression in my last pregnancy and depression does serve to amplify any niggling feelings of despair. Not at all to detract from what you genuinely feel about the area at the moment, but might be worth talking to your midwife or gp when you next get a chance. Good Luck

I moved house at 30weeks because I was convinced the nasty fumes would damage my baby.... clearly crazy nesting sitch which I’ve always been glad I followed - but don’t under estimate hormones!

@buckeejit @OnwardsAndSideways1 @LittleWingSoul @BubblinTrouble

Thank you all so much for your comments and support. I am so glad I took the plunge and posted on here, you are all amazing!

I am thankfully already seeing a therapist due to existing anxiety (which is very much playing a part in the real despairing feelings) and I alerted my midwife and doctor. I’m quite open about mental health to my partner/family also.

It’s always difficult to separate whether the feelings are rational, or really hormonal driven. I hope it’s calms down and I can see it more as a great house for now albeit not a forever home. I am thankful for the kind neighbours though, I cannot fault them and would happily take them with me wherever we go next if I could xx

@CheeseBiscuitsChutney unfortunately, i dont know that area. We are in Mitcham but on the Tooting side rather than the Croydon side. It's really hard - you will be in super mama protective mode right now and i can totally understand where you are coming from. I also found the second trimester a bit of weird time - i wanted to start getting organised but found lots of things didn't kick in until the third trimester (like antenatal classes to meet other pregnant women who lived locally). Once i had a baby, i also realised that there are loads of families around me - i just never saw them because of my lifestyle / working pattern pre-baby 🤣

Tips from me would be:

• your HV should tell you about anything your borough hosts for free, but you could also have a look at the council website family services division for info.
• there is a website called happity.co.uk that has SO many classes on, it's almost overwhelming! But a good place to start looking to see what you might like. I didn't start classes until my DD was 3 months old. By then, we were more in a routine and eg. a 25mins walk / bus to a class then 35mins class, then 25mins walk / bus home between feeds became a lot less scary. The trams are great as they are so much more buggy friendly than the buses / trains.
• we've done baby sensory and hartbeeps this term (travelling up to balham and wimbledon for those). Next term we are doing baby swimming and im looking for a baby yoga class. There is something called busy lizzy which operates on subscription (pay £70 per month and do as many classes as you like), but i thought fairly pricey so depends on how much you might use them. I like a couple of classes a week so we have free days for walks, meeting friends etc.
• any local facebook groups? Many of our baby groups haven't reopened due to covid but I've seen a couple of toddler groups starting to reopen mentioned on fb so im hoping baby groups will start soon.

Hope that helps. Good luck with your pregnancy (and house search if you decide to move)!

I should also add i grew up in a very small rural town and it has been quite an adjustment for me to get my head around the fact my DD is going to have a very different childhood to me! The rubbish in Merton is something else!! 😒

Ah how funny OP, I read your post and thought 'that sounds like Croydon', and it is!

I lived in Croydon for years and had my baby there, we have moved now but spent her first year in the area. I totally know what you mean about feeling suffocated, but the thing with London generally is that you won't always have a park or baby groups on your doorstep, but you do have amazing bus and transport links.

Are you near Norwood Lakes cafe at all? They have baby classes there. Lots of lovely cafes to go to as well and loads of young families about. We also spent a lot of time at Boxpark when she was tiny, and Crystal Palace Park if you can get the bus there.

Try to focus on the positives, if you can. There will be plenty of time for village life in the future, but try not to let your present surroundings take away from the excitement of your baby.

I was in a similar position a few years ago.
Along with a couple of like minded people I met through my DC's we decided to make a community. We started a Facebook group, organised litter picks, planted trees and regularly met with local councillors. We now have 5 mini community gardens and have just received funding for a new playground. It's by no means a perfect place but I've met the most amazing people and I can't see us moving away.
I know this isn't for everyone but maybe there is a local community group you could get involved with? It feels so much better to be part of finding a solution.

Oh and do you know the app peanut? I think some like minded people who are going through the same journey that you can get a cup of tea with locally really helps

I met lots of mums on Peanut

Don’t do anything too hastily. I had my DS in a grimy bit of north east London where we had a one-bed flat on a busy main road next to a halfway house, and where the nearest NCT course/baby activities were miles away. When he was a few months old, we moved to a four-bedroom house in an idyllic-looking village with thatched cottages, baby groups, a Norman church, pretty countryside — I’ve never been so miserable. Insular, xenophobic, unfriendly etc. I longed for my grungy bit of London.

@GuidingSpirit @WhoIsBernieBrown @Thinking2041 @yellowjellytot thanks for all your amazing suggestions etc! I have actually just started researching them all, and it’s the most positive I have felt in weeks. And just downloaded Peanut.

You’ve really encouraged me to stop moping about it, and make the best of it for the moment. You’re all superstars xx

@Cranncat I’m so sorry you feel miserable where you are. I guess in the grungiest parts of London are where people are probably most accepting / all encompassing areas.

I really hope you find some lovely people to make you feel at home amongst the rude and uninviting ones. Sending you lots of love and luck that things get better

I know nothing of the area but would say don't make life changing decisions based on pregnancy hormones.
I went mad scrubbing skirting boards and my husband absolutely had to move the oven so I could clean down the side. This was absolutely urgent and essential in late pregnancy. It's never been thought of since!
With a baby, nice neighbours and a shop in walking distance are huge pluses.
You may eventually want something more rural but while they are tiny, going places on foot with the pram is a lot easier than bundling all that equipment in a car because your lovely rural setting doesn't have pavements along the road.
See if you can find one or two baby groups or anything online. You don't need loads of them, especially if you can make a few mum friends