Help! We bought a house and I hate the area!

[CheeseBiscuitsChutney]

Hello All! Sorry in advance, but need the rant. We have just bought our first house after 8 years in a one bed new build flat. We’re based in South London.

When I bought the flat, the area was considered “dodgy” but over the years gentrified and it sold for twice as much. I also, therefore, considered myself fairly used to being in what was thought of as a pretty rough area.

Fast forward to earlier this year. We wanted a house with a garden, 3 beds, space to grow and a place to park the car - close to a station. Saw a number of houses in our budget in the more “affluent” areas but we were seriously compromising on bedrooms and space. Then came a massive, 1930s house which ticked all the boxes and more. Surrounding outstanding schools. But in a pretty rough area.

We visited the area numerous times, walked around, met the nice neighbours (all 30+ year veterans of the street), explored the shops. Ok, wasn’t beautiful - but didn’t feel uncomfortable and everything was on our doorstep. So we bought it.

Moved in, and at the start enjoyed having the shops so close; neighbours bought us welcome gifts and we started to put our stamp on the place.

Then I fell pregnant, and everything has changed. Overnight, I felt this sudden hatred for the area. The noise, the crime, the rubbish, the lack of immediate green space. As someone who’s lived in inner London for over 10 years I suddenly crave a village lifestyle away from it all.

I now resent the area - not the house, the area. To me it is so bleak, and I don’t feel safe. I cannot find any mother/baby groups in the immediate area and I rarely see anyone around that are new families. I haven’t been sleeping for weeks because I’m so stressed about it, and I’m constantly miserable and tearful. It’s driving a huge wedge between me and my partner and I fear driving some ante natal depression.

I want to know - has anyone ever been in a similar situation? Were you able to come around to the area, or did you sell at the earliest opportunity? Any tips or experiences would be so greatly appreciated as I feel like I’m slowly losing my mind!

[quote CheeseBiscuitsChutney]@Cranncat I’m so sorry you feel miserable where you are. I guess in the grungiest parts of London are where people are probably most accepting / all encompassing areas.

I really hope you find some lovely people to make you feel at home amongst the rude and uninviting ones. Sending you lots of love and luck that things get better [/quote]
Oh, thank you, @CheeseBiscuitsChutney — we got the hell out of the place after a few years, or I’d have gone mad. I was just saying that a ‘village lifestyle’ can look very pretty but be far less pleasant/culturally lively/accepting than a grimy London street. Especially post-Brexit in a Brexitty village when you’re a foreigner…

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy, and embrace the grunge! I now live in another country but remain nostalgic for my ten very happy years in deeply insalubrious bits of south and north London.

Like the last poster, I’d agree. Pregnancy hormones are like nothing else I’ve felt for the nesting instinct kicking in. Makes total evolutionary sense but for house buying it’s not ideal. Best to wait to see how you feel when the little one is there and then decide

Do you drive at all? If so you're only 15 minutes from beckenham which is lovely and quite posh with lots and lots of activities for new parents. Otherwise it's 25 minutes by tram - there are two gorgeous parks, beckenham place Park and Kelsey Park where I spent most of my mat leave.

You're also only 30 mins on the train to battersea Park for the little zoo and river walks there.

For a bit of greenery, you've got a few options- Coulsdon common which is lovely and there's a couple of nice pubs, Keston, christmas tree farm, Godstone not too far. If you can get yourself to Catford or Bromley south by bus, then it's just a few minutes train to eynsford and Lullingstone which is beautiful and lovely with a toddler.

I lived not too far away for 5 years and mostly spent weekends on little adventures to other places locally. Basically you could focus on being able to enjoy having your large house that you might make a profit on (hopefully) but plan to go a little further afield for some recreation. Sometimes it feels like a pain, but I've had some lovely days out exploring and on the plus side I've now got a 3 year old who is super used to going all over the place and is no trouble to take on long train journeys etc as they're so accustomed to it.

Oh and Norwood lakes is really lovely as another poster has suggested. When my little one was about a year old, weirdly he loved to wander round the massive cemetery next door to the country park looking at all the flowers :)

Glad you're feeling more positive OP & whatever happens, there's no real doom & gloom option, you can make a home anywhere. I had a friend that bought a big house & decided it wasn't for them & moved less than a year later, (to somewhere smaller in walking distance). She made a decent profit & loves the new place. I do too but the previous one was good too, in different ways though.

Keep talking to your therapist. I make a point of actively being grateful for the positives in my life & it definitely makes a difference to how I feel & helps me keep perspective. Keeping my fingers crossed that you come to love your new community. Best way is to get involved-if there's no group, start one now & build a mums network. It's easy to travel with a wee one but also nice to just walk with a pram. It's likely there are other pregnant ladies locally - ask your hairdresser too!

Was going to suggest NCT. We moved to Croydon when I was pregnant as it was only way to get on the property ladder. I felt so isolated not knowing anyone - we’d moved from Clapham so it was a bit of a shock too - but meeting other mums gave me a great support network and 15 years later we’re still in the borough.

I know Broad Green can feel a little ropey (but so can lots of other London areas), but you’re very close to lots of places and whilst I doubt Croydon will ever be ‘desirable’, I am noticing a positive shift in the area.

Good luck with your pregnancy and your decision!

In my experience it sounds like hormones. I felt so incredibly vulnerable when I was pregnant. You're distracted by feeling ill, your body aches, you can't move particularly fast (I know you said you're only 14 weeks but I noticed it early on). I now have two kids, nearly 3 and 5, in a grungy bit of SE London and I'm so glad we've decided to stay. I too notice the rubbish, the grime, and I'm much more alert to potential dangers.

BUT, during half term we've been up into town a few times and those days truly fill me up. Raising my kids here definitely has incredible positives and at the end of the day, when they are late-teens and starting to forge their own lives, I don't want to be stuck out in a village somewhere. I want to be walking distance to local friends, I want to be 10 minutes from the tube to take me into town for the theatre, I want to have lots of amazing restaurants a quick walk/drive away. We're also quite close to lots of green space- not easily walkable but definitely a short bus/drive. Lots of options for green space down where you are, even if it's not walkable. But personally I want my corner store and morning coffee walkable, I'm happy driving to green space.

What I've realised about parenthood is that the young years are incredibly finite and they go FAST. Things you think you really need in a house are completely redundant within a few short years. I completely disregarded an area my husband liked when we were toying with the idea of moving a few years ago because the local station didn't have lift access and I needed a lift because of the buggy. That was 2 years ago and we're about to give our buggy away because I haven't used it in a month! The open plan living space I loved the idea of when they were little, is now too open because my eldest wants a bit of privacy from the youngest when she has friends over to play.

I often get quite down about where we live too, but then we go to a village out in the country and while it's nice, I know I would get so incredibly bored!

OP I am in North London and going through similar

it started about 4 years ago, for similar reasons. but then my mum was very ill and then lockdown caused financial instability for us.

It worked out that I/we felt very trapped in the flat because the local area just seems grim and getting a bus to the nearest green space is very easy but there are no loos.

If I had the choice, I'd have moved right away - though not while pregnant, though I realise of course some women are much more comfortable while pregnant and can do all their regular stuff.

I'm wondering who/why you were advised to wait for 2 years? Is that price related or related to DC?

I wish we had done it before because the area has just got worse. I don't know about Croydon though. Some areas are nicer after the regen is done - is that a possible in your situation?

the things that were once useful to me are a total irrelevance now. I wouldn't be sorry if I never saw central London again. I prefer the version in my photos and memories! I can't cope with busy places and so many people.

We found a fishing lake in walking distance of a place we viewed this week - 2 hours out of london. I was charmed. I hadn't seen it on the map. I don't fish and even then I immediately googled about fishing lakes. some of my friends feel like I've had a personality transplant.

I just think it's family and different life stages.

That's so close to Croydon centre and to the hospital I'd be astonished if there's no baby groups/activities around there. There definitely are in Thornton Heath and Norbury which are just up the road and also at the other side of the centre in Waddon and South Croydon.

That said, I totally understand as I had both my DC at Mayday and lived about a mile away from where you are - likewise bought a house in a hurry before having first kid and although it was 'okay' and we had a lovely childminder, we did move before eldest went to primary school. We kept dithering because as you say, on paper a lot of that location made sense, but I just didn't feel right there and after much hunting both in and out of London (usual places from Forest Hill to Sussex), we ended up moving just a bit further in to SE19 where it instantly felt much greener and has a strong community and I could stay here forever. So I'd say don't panic, you'll be fine in the short term, but keep an eye out and suss out your options and maybe wait a couple of years to make a move. The first two years with DC are very full on and I know if I'd done a kneejerk move to the country in those years I'd be regretting it now. Wait and weigh things up, but don't feel trapped. Do some googling and you'll find lots of groups to tide you over. Good luck with it all!

I'm sorry that you are feeling that way.

Having done both the village (and seaside) lifestyle and central London, I would say London wins hands down. There is so much more to do with little ones, both for them and for you to do with baby in tow. Lots more classes and activities, places to go that aren't the park or the beach - museums, art galleries, concerts. You might have to get on the train/tube/bus but at least they are there.

Focus on the positives. The bigger house with more space is 100% the right thing for you and your baby. You are so close to central Croydon with lots going on plus Crystal Palace, South Norwood parks, Dulwich, so much within a short journey. It's completely normal to be anxious about a new area especially with baby on the way. Try and relax and realise the benefits of your house.

Can you drive, OP? I'm not far away from you and some lovely places to go near you include Beddington Park (perfect for kids, has ducks and a great playground and cafe) and Coombe Wood Gardens (also there is a playground nearby at Lloyd Park) which has beautiful gardens, woods and a nice cafe. Looks like these are both doable by bus too. There are lots of nice pockets of greenery around once you start exploring. Hop on the train too to places like Balham and Clapham - great for a little shopping trip with the baby / visiting nearby parks there.

Also I would be absolutely amazed if there are no baby groups in Croydon! Have you looked at children's centres and libraries, as well as paid-for activities? Croydon Council is a bit cash-strapped but there may be free activities on offer. I find these are just as good as expensive baby classes most of the time (and the staff are less likely to call me "mummy" which is always a bonus ). Lambeth which is not too far away has some free play and music sessions in the libraries there (West Norwood library for example which is probably easy to reach for you) - they were hands down the best activities I did during my first maternity leave (sadly not on offer again until recently due to Covid).

There was little in my area so I organised my own when DD1 was little.
Nowadays I'd pop a message on a local FB group and see if there are others 14 weeks ish would like to get in touch.

Also when you get out with the pram you'll suddenly find hidden play parks and the like.

@CheeseBiscuitsChutney I’m currently 17 weeks pregnant and living in Merton! I already have a three year old who I had in Hampstead with lots of lovely baby groups and stuff, however Merton is where I found my ‘people’ if that makes sense! Definitely try peanut, that’s where I met lots of my friends. And drop me a PM if you’d like to talk! My friend had a little boy a few weeks ago and takes him to baby sensory classes and the like in Wimbledon (although that might be a bit far?!) x

OP

Your hormones are doing summersaults now telling you to find the best shelter for your baby, this is something that goes back eons, I'm sure cave dwellers would start looking at new caves with more room and no damp patches.

Add to that the idil we are all sold about 'the perfect family life' the one we see on adverts, happy smiling people, running through woods, climbing trees, riding horses.

Living in a small village with local shops selling hand woven yoghurt and delivering bread to you on a bike.

Very few people live like that, and when they do they wish Tesco was closer and they could get a take away.

London, all of London can be a fantastic place to raise children.

You will meet other people at your NCT classes, and they may well become friends for life.

You have made sensible choices to live near public transport which means you can get to your classes, but also that it is easy for those you meet to visit you.

You might not fancy taking a new baby on the tube, but as your child grows there are so many things in central London to do.

And believe me, when you have been awake for three days and you are running out of nappies you will be glad you are not in a tranquil village and can get a deliveroo.

I was just the same but a while ago now. DS is 19 and was born in Leytonstone and we lived near there. It was fine when we were child free. DH in the music industry, me in advertising- huge social life, all v trendy and cool.

Then DS was born and within a few months I HATED where we lived and all I heard on the tv was the stabbings and shootings and crime and I knew I didn't want to bring him up there. It just felt unsafe and not the place for an idyllic childhood.

We moved to a naice little town in the Home Counties. I loved it although it was a huge adjustment. But DH hated being away from
London where he'd been since 18 and our marriage subsequently fell to bits.

I've never gone back to London, although ex-DH did. Moved again with new DH back to my home town and am very happy.

Something about having a baby really opens your eyes to when things aren't right with what's around you.

Thinking of moving to third cross road twickenham does any one know the road

If you stay where you are, there are things like Moo Music where hopefully you can meet like minded parents. You will hopefully meet some pockets of other new parents in the area.

I still meet with my NCT parent groups. Some don't really live that close. And we all had to travel about 10 mins by car or 20-30 mins by public transport to do what we would consider to be a local activity.

All the best