What would you do - husband buying me out after split

[Nicky2021]

Good morning

I left my husband a few months ago.
I haven’t asked for anything from him although people keep telling me I should get csa payments, go after his pensions etc.
I don’t want the car.
All I want is half the equity from the house so that I can buy another home for me and the children.
I didn’t put any of the deposit down on the house, it was all him.
He is getting funny with me and saying that I’m “f**king” him over because I didn’t put any money towards the deposit for the house so shouldn’t be entitled to half the equity. Do I stand my ground and demand half the equity or give him some money back out of my share for the deposit?
What would you do?
TIA

@Muststopeating

So I don't have any personal experience of divorce but have watched a lot of people spend a horrendous amount of money on solicitors that would have been better in both of their pockets.

I presume you will need a solicitor to formalise things and you do need to look after yourself and your children but if you can agree most of it yourselves amicably then surely that is better for everyone involved! The nastier it gets the longer it will take which won't help you either.

It is absolutely not his money, nor his house etc but without knowing the specific circumstances was the marriage breakdown two sided? Was he blindsided or did he know it was coming? If the former then i think its reasonable that he will have a gut reaction but I hope given a little time he can calm down and see reason. Otherwise the only people getting rich are the solicitors.

To that point perhaps some of the people pushing a solicitor and a battle could share how much their legal fees were (and their ex's)... its all coming out the collective pot. Good luck!

This is poor advice, really, and it's very clear you haven't been in this position and, as you say, have no experience of divorce.

It's much better to go down the route of using solicitors because it takes the emotions out of it and you get proper, unbiased advice about what is reasonable. It's not necessary to "battle" . If it can be agreed reasonably through solicitors then it doesn't have to cost a fortune.

The problems stem from when one partner has unrealistic expectations, as it sounds like the OPs partner does. He's already looking at ways to argue that she and the children should get less than him.

As you asked, my legal costs were £15,000 and the judge awarded costs against my ex DH because he'd dragged it all out and argued about everything, so that came out of his share, on top of his own costs.

Ex offered me less than £20,000 after 14 years and despite the equity in our house. Solicitor got me £125,000 which actually meant that I could get a mortgage to buy somewhere else.

You'd be absolutely mad to not sort this out via solicitors.

Of course you're not 'fucking him over'.

They used to have posters up about camp with the pay bands and what the CSA deduction for one child is as a warning against unprotected sex, so he probably knows rightly what he'd get stung for if you pursued him. I wouldn't hesitate; comes straight out of their pay packet and they can't fiddle it like you hear with guys in the private sector cutting hours or taking a portion of their salary in dividends or whatever.

Between that and his pension, if only he'd kept his cool and just been decent about the equity....could have saved himself a fortune!

Morning everyone
So yesterday I told him I would probably be entitled to a lot more than what I’m asking for and I would probably be entitled to some of his pension and he didn’t like that, saying he spoke to his boss and his boss said there’s no way that will happen. (I knew he was bluffing)
I later emailed a solicitor and informed him I had done so.
This morning he woke up and was obviously panicking saying your solicitor is going to tell you you’re entitled to my pension and I said yes I’m fully aware of that,
He then decided that my ask of half the equity is reasonable!!

OP you have had some great advice here. Stop engaging with him about it now. It will only make you feel bad. There's a reason the law starts at 50/50 - you have given up loads of potential financial assets to parent his children and follow his career. Let the solicitor handle it and make the most of your last couple of months abroad.

Let the solicitor go ahead op. You are ending the marriage and you are legally entitled to these payments/asset shares. You know they will be used to support your children, so take them and use it for that. Shut down his approaches now- I tried to be amicable and you thought that was a gift to use to screw your children over financially, you’ve lied to me and tried to leave me poor, please talk to my solicitor.

Told you as soon as you mentioned you were entitled to 50% of all assets he would suddenly give you 50% of the house.

Agree to nothing until the form E financial declaration has been submitted by you both. You could ask for less than 50% of total assets and I'm sure it will be more than his latest offering.

Would you be interested in living in the house if you got enough equity to do so?

His pension is likely worth more than the equity in the house.

As others have said, don't go for the quiet life just to see the back of him.

The pension is SO important.

Think about it. Why does the government raise the age for the state pension? Why do so many private firms offer so little? Why are the so-called gold-plated pensions diminishing, i.e. you pay more for longer to get less.

It's because they matter. Don't let this go.

I’ve seen many threads where posters have an inheritance and are advised to keep it, or ring fence it. Even when married

It sounds like the deposit was an inheritance so I’d be a bit annoyed at you taking that tbh. I also know if it were you who had put the deposit down you’d be advised to treat it separately and not split it

I’d have said legal advice (you’ve done this), split of pension, split of equity excluding the deposit, and cms (or agreed between you)

Since he’s being such a prick, I’d get a good solicitor and get every penny you’re entitled to.

I'd definitely stop informing him of anything now OP, just politely tell him it'll be discussed with your solicitor once you're back in the UK. No need to argue, just don't give him any more information.

Good luck.

Hi OP,

Just want to concur with everyone - DO NOT DISCUSS IT WITH HIM - please stop telling him what you are doing. Yes you may need to live with him (although there might be options - perhaps the MN section on military wives or whatever it is called could help you here?). but you do not need to talk to him about your divorce plans.

Please engage a solicitor and leave it to them.

Good luck OP - please do not settle for a small sum for the sake of peace - you may need that money to support your children.

Op @Annasgirl is right.

Forewarned is forarmed so to speak.

Get a solicitor and let them liaise with him ref this.

His boss has fuck all say in your divorce settlement, so unless he's an idiot, I doubt he's said anything of the sorts.

If your STBXH wants to start claiming it's HIS money, and you weren't operating as a family unit, then I reckon he probably owes you quite a lot of money. Paying someone for childcare, cleaning, cooking etc, isn't cheap, and it sounds like there's probably a few years of back dated pay he's owing you!

Go to a solicitor and get advice. You need to get a fair deal for you but mostly for your kids. He has ongoing responsibilities for them.

Sorry OP I haven't read all the previous replies to you, but I have read all of yours. The breakdown of my first marriage happened 30 odd years ago, I had 3 children including one baby, I was in my early 30's. The laws may have changed radically since those days, but my solicitor recommended I went for a larger share of the house, and more maintenance for the children with none for me, and none of his pension rights. Why? Because at the age I was then, I was very likely to get married again, and on doing so I would lose my individual maintenance, and any entitlement to his pension.

I followed her advice, I was given the whole house (not that much monetary worth as we had literally just moved in when he told me he was leaving me for TOW, and we had a very large mortgage), as I had 3 children under 10 years old. I was a SAHM so at that time the DHSS paid my interest only mortgage for me, and were willing to do so until the youngest child left secondary school education. My ex was made to give me just over £150 per month per child until each child was 18. I got married 4 years later, and moved into my new husbands bigger house with the children, and sold my house. That meant I did have to pay the legal aid back, and I hadn't accrued much equity in the house, but my lovely Dad paid the £8000 legal aid bill for me, so I was very lucky in that respect. My ex had to continue paying the full children's maintenance for another 6 years, then for 2 of the children for another 3 years, than the youngest one for another 5 years. However he went bankrupt about 1½ years before our last child's maintenance period was up. I didn't try to get the extra 1½ years maintenance off him as I felt quite sorry for him. I never hated him, I never made it difficult for him to have his time with the children. I have never been well off financially, but we were ok.

Like I said, I am sure the rules for a lot of things have changed over the years, but if you think the likelihood of you getting married again is quite high, please get advice on a better way to receive your share of things, without going for his pension. Also, if you can get legal aid, remember it might need paying back at some stage. Good Luck OP

Like I said, I am sure the rules for a lot of things have changed over the years, but if you think the likelihood of you getting married again is quite high, please get advice on a better way to receive your share of things, without going for his pension

That would be your pension.

As if you would bet your future on some possible rainbow who could behave as badly as your DH.

Fuck it. Go for the pension. It is your entitlement.

No way would I walk away from a significant additional contribution for leaving a military pension out of the deal.

How would you feel tomorrow if he met someone else who moved in with him ? My reason for saying this was that my friend left her ex with the children as he was a selfish man where she lived like a single parent anyway . She took very little too, feeling guilty often added to by comments he made to her . After the divorce she lives in a tiny house with the children whereas he lives in their much bigger house, has fab holidays, a nice car and a new girlfriend has moved in . She has a much lesser quality of life yet had his children and still does the majority of the parenting . She now say she wished she had just let the solicitor deal with it . He encouraged her not to use a solicitor!