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Original poster

I hate the house and dp loves it - WWYD

30 replies

GreenSwanBlack · 30/03/2021 12:21

It's a bit of a long story this but I will try not to drip feed.

A few years ago, dp and I bought a house after my dc had left home. We each had one house we loved in completely different areas. Mine was on the outskirts of a city and far smaller. Dp's was rural, near his (young) dcs and far larger. It took a year for us to reach consensus and in the end, we went for more space and moved to the house and area he liked.

We've owned the house for 2 years now and I hate it. I feel so isolated and I don't particularly like the area. But dp loves it. He sees his kids loads more now, we have a dog who adores the space.

We used to have a great relationship but this house is destroying that. We had an agreement that we would move and stay till his youngest was 18 but that's another 8 years and there's no way I can do that. I was meant to rent out my old apartment but thankfully with Covid, it didn't rent so after the first lockdown, I came back here as I just didn't want to stay there any longer. Whenever I mention to dp that we need to discuss what we are doing, he says we had an agreement to stay there and I'm going back on that. I understand that he is ludicrously happy and loves it.

At the moment, once lockdown lifts, i can do weeks in the apartment and weekends in the house but I know dp wants to spend more time there. I actually don't mind him spending more time there and me being here but I also feel resentful that we've spent all this money on a house I don't like! He says at least it's an asset that is appreciating.

Wwyd in my shoes

OP posts:

ShowMeHow · 30/03/2021 12:33

It depends on so many things but you have indicated the house/location/relationship/family life combo doesn’t really work well enough for you to be there all the time- at this point anyway.

There is nothing wrong with living separately if you are at different ‘life’ stages IMO

What would you want to propose as a solution to DP?

ShowMeHow · 30/03/2021 12:35

Oh didn’t answer you actual question. I would try the week/weekend thing ASAP and if that didn’t work I’d keep an eye out for a better property I suppose.

Original poster

GreenSwanBlack · 30/03/2021 12:58

Thanks @ShowMeHow - I think that's a good way forward

OP posts:

Original poster

GreenSwanBlack · 30/03/2021 13:01

We are at different life stages - weird though it seems, it hadn't really dawned on me as his exw moved away with the dc so that was a smaller part of his life. Now that he lives nearer them, it's a much bigger part and he loves the space it gives all of them and my dc are grown up.

OP posts:

Trisolaris · 30/03/2021 13:05

So he’s happy for you to be miserable living somewhere for 8 years because that’s what you agreed? I don’t think that’s very fair, you are allowed to change your mind!

Will you feel better about the area out of covid times? Being very rural might be particularly hard at the moment if you are not inclined that way. Can you agree to give it a fair shot when things are open and see how you feel - really throw yourself into exploring the local area IF he agrees that after 12 months you still hate it to compromise on something else?

Are you both willing to compromise or is it the area he wants or the area you want?

If neither of you want to compromise should you just stay living apart?

Mintjulia · 30/03/2021 13:11

Agree with trisolaris , he doesn't sound very interested in your happiness, does he!

There needs to be compromise or your marriage will be at risk.

Original poster

GreenSwanBlack · 30/03/2021 13:16

I think he can't understand why I'm unhappy and keeps doing things to try and make me happy. He bought a whole load of things for the garden as he knows I love the garden etc. He keeps trying but it's not working because fundamentally I just can't like the area/house and I don't think he can actually acknowledge that yet especially as he is so happy.

OP posts:

MixedUpFiles · 30/03/2021 13:20

Expecting him to move away from his children is not reasonable. You could look for a different house a similar distance to his kids.

If that really won’t work for you, then this might not be the relationship for you. He absolutely should be prioritizing his ability to see his children.

Pricklypear12 · 30/03/2021 13:22

What is it that you actually dislike?

Pricklypear12 · 30/03/2021 13:23

Phil and Kirsty's Love it or Leave it?

Original poster

GreenSwanBlack · 30/03/2021 13:26

I'm not asking him to move away. His exw moved away with his dcs- this house is now closer to them. And I do feel some half truths were made to me to get me to agree to buy it if I'm honest though he says this was just his opinion of the area.

OP posts:

Original poster

GreenSwanBlack · 30/03/2021 13:30

You have to drive everywhere to do anything. My commute to work is significantly worse as over the last 2 years the services have been cut and my place of work changed. Dp lost his job, I am paying for everything at the moment yet for me to live in the house and do my job, the commute is now 2 hours one way so I'm basically forced to stay in my apartment, even if I wanted to stay in the house. It just doesn't work for me on any front. On the weekends, it's nice to be in a larger house/garden but none of my friends are there and my older kids never visit as they prefer to come back to the apartment.

OP posts:

Honeyroar · 30/03/2021 13:37

It does sound like everything is his way. You’re paying for a house you’re miserable in. Could you find something in between that is a compromise? Something a little less rural but still within reach of his children? Point out to him that you’re not happy, it’s putting a strain on the marriage, and if the marriage broke down he wouldn’t be able to afford it anyway. It’s all very well saying you made an agreement but you’ve tried and you’re not happy. Expecting you to suck it up for nearly a decade is unfair, as is you staying in a poky flat all week.

In his defence it sounds right up my street!

Bluetrews25 · 30/03/2021 13:40

That is a killer commute!

How is your relationship?

AmelieTaylor · 30/03/2021 13:54

He's being a selfish arse & you're letting him

Is he trying to get a job or is he enjoying being a kept man in the country house?

He doesn't care that you're unhappy. Yes you 'agreed' to live there (though it sounds like you were duped into it) you've tried for 2 years, you hate it & have a horrendous commute.

I'd tell him that the house needs to be sold, he can have his share of it and look forward something he can afford.

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 30/03/2021 13:58

If his kids are in one place and your job is hours away from that, it doesn’t sound like living together is very convenient for you both. You can’t expect him to pick your job over his children.

helpmum2003 · 30/03/2021 14:09

How do you feel about the relationship?

That would be crucial to how I would proceed. A 2h commute isn't viable long term. So for the long term you would need a property between his kids and your work. At the moment I would feel as if I was funding a house for him to live in with his kids.

If I wasn't sure about the relationship I would maybe consider leaving..

justasking111 · 30/03/2021 14:29

So you work away all week to pay for everything including his dream house, he's the ultimate cock lodger, my friend did this, her OH she discovered enjoyed the loins of a woman from the local church Monday to Friday too.

No I would not be doing this for him to be honest

Overdueanamechange · 30/03/2021 14:53

Yes this all seems very one sided and he is basically living the dream.
I noted he is your DP, not DH. What sort of equity do you each have in the house?
As a compromise, I would have a cheaper countryside bolt hole and a nicer city apartment, each at equal value.

oldshoeuk · 30/03/2021 15:06

Just as a thought exercise, nothing else. You split up tomorrow, are you married? What are your rights/position. How do you see things going from that point onwards?

I'm not saying your relationship is finished, I have a plan in my mind for what I need to do if DP dies suddenly. It's just a plan, plans are good.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 30/03/2021 15:08

A 2h each way commute is not something I would have agreed to. Its commendable to him that he has moved to be closer to his DC.

I wouldnt have seen the relationship as compatible as the two options are so very different.

Original poster

GreenSwanBlack · 30/03/2021 16:52

Thanks all. We are not married and the assets are in my name.

Just to make it clear, my place of work changed which made the commute 2 hours plus the changes in local service (which made it longer). Covid has a lot to answer for.

My feeling is our circumstances have changed (my work and commute, his work) from when we bought the house - no one's fault - and we need to review the house even though it may lead to selling it and considering our options.

OP posts:

CraftyYankee · 30/03/2021 17:12

@GreenSwanBlack

Thanks all. We are not married and the assets are in my name.

Just to make it clear, my place of work changed which made the commute 2 hours plus the changes in local service (which made it longer). Covid has a lot to answer for.

Your position seems quite clear and reasonable. If he refuses to discuss it to try and reach a compromise then you have reached an impasse and will need to consider some ultimatums.

Ultimately, the current situation is not sustainable by you. Does he care about that? Because if he doesn't that might give you ideas of how to proceed.

Bobbots · 30/03/2021 17:19

If he is arguing 'this is what we agreed on' you can reply with 'yes it was - but that was before my job location changed, my commute increased and you lost your job - so the agreement was based on our previous circumstances, which are no longer the reality. So we need a new agreement that works for both of us, not just for you'

MostlyHappyMummy · 30/03/2021 17:23

I agree with @AmelieTaylor
You need to take back control of your life

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