WWYD - To buy alone?

[EhLov]

As with all of life's biggest decisions, I'm throwing this out to the mumsnet women.

I'm currently renting a very nice house, inner city, walkable to great school, nice neighbours, cafes and high street on our doorstep, rent paid for by boyfriend/The Dad of our 3 children (all under 5). It's all a very good situation.

But I am conscious every day that its not ours. Mainly, for my children, its not theirs.

I'd like to buy instead. I've been asking The Dad to apply/buy for 5 years (since children arrived) and he's dragged his heels this long.

He's in no hurry to buy (he earns well but is self employed, poorly organised, and I think afraid of a decline. I have little faith in any application he'd submit and am reluctant to tie my name to it)

He is further dissuaded by the fact that anything we can buy will be 100% worse than where we are: given that what we're in now is about as good as it gets. We couldn't afford to buy at the standard we're renting.

I can afford to buy alone.
But what I can buy is smaller, scruffier, and in a worse area than where we are now. I would have to drive to shops, school, work etc. and the whole decision would likely lead to a separation with me and The Dad.

I'm increasingly tempted to just go it alone, buy what I want, and invite him to just 'come along' if he wishes. I know he wouldn't because he would not live where I can afford, so we'd likely split up.

It would, on paper, be worsening our children's lives. But their home would then be theirs.

And I would be financially independent. Which is always safer / wiser, no?

I'm also heavily, heavily reluctant to sign up to a joint mortgage. He is disorganised and woefully ill prepared with financial matters, and petty in arguments (so wouldn't just split the property amicably if we split up) I feel I'd be putting myself in a dangerous position where half of my housing would be reliant on him.

Would you:

1. Buy alone in a worse area
2. Buy together in a better area
3. Carry on renting and stop stressing about ownership?

Are you married? Assume not as you say the dad rather than DH.
Buy alone if not married.
Don't buy at all if you are.
Is my non professional opinion
It doesn't sound like you'd be heartbroken to split up and based on what you've said, there's no live lost!
Buy somewhere you can improve a bit over time and make your way back to where you want to be in a few years?

No 'love' lost not live.....

I would definitely buy alone. I wouldn't throw my all in with someone who was financially chaotic.

I bought alone (as a single I should add though) and have never had any regrets. If you can afford to buy, I think in your situation I would. Much more secure for you and the children in the long run - mortgage will eventually be paid, rent never ends, you can make it yours.
How worse is worse when you talk about changing areas?
It sounds like things could be slightly on the rocks in your relationship and you purchasing a home in your own name may well kick him up the ass. It likely won’t devalue, so if things improve and he gets his act together and you feel more comfortable you can potentially join together much later on. Potentially.

I find it strange that you think he won't 'come along; - do you mean location is more imopprtant to him than his THREE children, and presumably he is still up to staying in the relationship.

You do say he earns well, so he can't be too bad with finances - unless he spends it all on himself / high rent.

Would you be able to work FT to afford mortgage and look after dc / pay for childcare?

*important
*up for staying

I’d buy alone.
If you think this will end the relationship can you rethink the area you are looking to buy in to get somewhere slightly better?

Would it be worth considering going alone and buy a property but rent it out? It would put you on the property ladder and give you an investment. It would be less disruptive on your kids now and you have time to consider your relationship with your partner.

@Els1e

Would it be worth considering going alone and buy a property but rent it out? It would put you on the property ladder and give you an investment. It would be less disruptive on your kids now and you have time to consider your relationship with your partner.

I was thinking this. If you are not married it will remain yours.

I think it would be odd not to tell him but tbh you could do it secretly.

Do you have enough deposit to do that without him? Need a higher deposit for BTL mortgages.

Buy alone. Always make all financial decisions with your best interests at heart. You are not married so are very vulnerable if your partner dies or leaves.

Absoutely buy alone and good on you for being prepared to take that step and put yourself - and as a consequence of that - your children ahead of him. You've had to counter a lot of socialisation to take this decision and its actually something to be very proud of.

You are right - don't go joint if he's unreliable and absoutely never marry him as he would be in line for half (or even more, should he be unemployed and/or by default a SAHD at point of divorce - in that scenario, if you were married, he could even get the house and you be required to leave).

Do be aware that you would need permission from a lender to rent the property out - this isn't always forthcoming. Also seek legal advice to ensure that any contributions he makes (doing repairs, putting up shelves and lights, contributing to general "bills") can't later be used to claim an equitable interest in the house should you split.

Again - good for you! Absolutely do it 🎉

Thank you all for your thoughts. I don't really have enough deposit for a BTL, but I could keep a mortgage running on a small place.

Neither of us intend to marry but life and our relationship is all pretty nice.

I already work FT but from home on compressed hours, so manageable.

What could you afford in your nice area? 1 bed? 2 bed?

If owning a property is more important to you than your relationship then go ahead, buy alone. Otherwise you need to come to some compromise with your partner.

A buy to let sounds a good idea so maybe save and increase the deposit or is there a way of buying without telling them it's BTL then changing it afterwards? If you have no other property that might work.

Also, what do you think you're leaving your children? The whole value of the house could end up going to care home fees anyway
)long way in future but you never know).

In my area I can afford a 1/2 bed flat really but I'm wary of leasehold fees. In that case, I'd be more inclined to put it in savings.

I can't get my head around having three DC under five with someone who you'd have to 'invite' to live with you in the new house and who you seem to think wouldn't come. Surely if the relationship is good, then whatever he likes about your rental set-up, he'd rather be with his partner and three children. But given that you have this uncertainty about him, it's very wise to keep your financial independence and get some security by buying alone. If he does come with you, which has got to be a strong possibility, then you'll have some work to do around what he contributes without him having any dibs on the house, which could be tricky if he's not great with the finances or communication. But as long as everyone's clear and wants it to work, you should be okay. Good luck with it all and well done for taking the initiative.

Thank you for that wording, PinkDelight. It's useful to put that aspect of 'coming along' in to perspective.

I'd think so too but he really semms very adamant on area quality

Perhaps we have option 5. Buy the house, successfully persuade him to come too

If you have both your incomes, what can you afford in your nice area - would two incomes allow you to stay? Or is this a case of you having an amazing deal on your rent?
If you have a great deal now, then will it last? Landlord could realise they could charge more or decide to sell property etc. A good rent deal may not last forever

I know you said he is afraid of being rejected - have you spoken to a good, independent mortgage broker and found out from them what any issues are likely to be?

Are you confident that you know his true financial position? Does he have debts perhaps that would come to light in a mortgage application? Or tax liabilities? Does he have an accountant?

No our rent is enormous. No chance we could buy this place, it's worth about triple of what we could borrow even joint.

We'd have to move a little out of area even buying joint. But, crucially, he will not even consider living in those areas we could joint afford He'll only accept what we have now, or nothing.

I just don't see a bank approving him either. He doesn't keep track of in and out, paperwork, etc. He does always pay rent, no debts, I am sure. But he wouldn't be able to present an accountable lending case. Or maybe I think there are more hoops to jump through than there actually are.

I think you need to have a discussion with him before you buy about what rent you would charge him to live in the house...

you don't want to end up paying for everything by default

I also think you really should buy a house once you are ready to do so (in your case, that would have been 5 years ago). Realistically, do you see your relationship surviving long term? If not, building up security even more important

I think you need to decide what you want from your relationship before considering buying property.

I feel sorry for the poor fella that's paying an 'enormous' rent for a woman who's so clearly not committed to their relationship.

Hally, I know, I do see that. I want both to stay together, and to buy. It's not so straightforward is it

Also I should add on the rent, I begged him to rent something cheaper / smaller / further out and he refused. Hence he pays, as I said fine, we can rent the posh house, but I'm not footing the bill.

Buy alone!! I only say that as i did and it is so much cheaper than renting. I started off in a dodgy area and now I’m in slightly dodgy area! One day I might live in a nice area!

I really dislike people who are financially flakey, especially when you have children. Nothing is more important than their financial future.

As he is self employed he is required to submit a self assessment return every year so he must have a set of accounts drawn up each year, either done by himself or his accountant. Any mortgage application he makes would be based on those accounts so I do think that he is actually in a position to apply for a mortgage if he wants to. As he seems to be determined to stay where he is then I think you should buy on your own, the longer you leave it the less affordable it might get.