DH calling me a snob for wanting to move

[nellyii]

We have been looking for a house for approx 18 months before covid kicked off my DH earns 6 figures I've also had quite a big pay rise. Approx budget 425k 100k deposit as DH wants to rent this one out so that's without selling also have another 80k equity in another BTL . He wants a double garage good sized garden we live in our first house which is a 3 bed ex local authority it's ugly and we bought it 6 years ago for 133k.
I'm getting really sick of him being so picky the choice now isn't half of what it was. Prices are climbing our last offer was down valued and DH refused to meet half way . I'm just sick of it he won't move out and rent somewhere nicer we have a lot of disposable income.

When I bring it up he calls me a snob is it snobby to want to live somewhere that reflects our earnings?

There wouldn’t be a market for better houses if we didn’t aspire to them. Someone has to! Why not you op? And why are you married to someone who likes a cheap existence? Thank god DH and I both wanted better.

Instead of snob: use the words ambition, self improvement, high achieving, even responsible (someone else gets the benefit of a cheaper house!). “Snob“ is so childish. Does he not like anything expensive? Does he buy you lovely presents? What does he buy for himself? Is he always mean spirited?

Being a snob has got nothing to do with how much money someone has got .its about how they think they are better than others ( less wealthy) and can’t wait to tell people how much they have/ or how much something costs, it’s about the attitude of the person.

Talking about money or what you earn is just crass , it’s quite common on this forum and some of the posts just make me cringe.

I know a bloke who has millions he drives around in a 30 year old Land Rover and works digging in a knackered old jcb. He’s never had any kids or got married and still lives next door to his mum who’s about 90 ,he just looks like any normal old bloke. I don’t think he aspires to much except he likes working. He would never talk about money and I only know this because my mates dad drinks with him in the pub.

It's not snobby to want your dream house.

Not talking about money is one way that the wealth divide perpetuates. I am open in certain settings about how much I earn and how I've increased my wage incrementally - not because I want to boast, but because some roles and sectors pay a lot better than others and I think more people should be aware of this.

There are many, many young people who don't realise that doing an apprenticeship at an insurer or a bank is likely to pay them a lot more in the long run than an apprenticeship in childcare, for example.

@nellyii

I wouldn't say I am snobby, I drive a 5 year old Peugeot 108. I don't have any interest in driving an expensive car, I don't buy expensive clothes either . I want a bigger house because simply we can afford it, I'd love a downstairs loo and we don't spend money on anything really. We are in a completely different place financially than 6 years ago and I would like to enjoy some of it?

That’s the thing though. If you need to take out a 325k mortgage during Lockdown then I would question whether you can afford it. DH and I both earn 6 figures and we have a 400k house because we wanted to invest and use house equity. It definitely doesn’t reflect our earnings - all my colleagues have mini mansions or country piles.

I don't think you're snobby for wanting what you want.. But how you phrased it came across as incredibly snobby.

Not sure why your budget is only £425 unless you have a lot of committed expenditure. If you can take £80k equity out of where you are , treat the existing mortgage as a background loan (equivalent to earning less net income) then your budget should be larger.

Frankly if you are confident in your jobs I would borrow as much money as possible because this government is throwing it around like confetti - inflation here we come.

So 100k is just cash deposit 22k for stamp duty and 30k buffer money. We have 80k equity in this house and another 70k in a BTL DH doesn't want to sell any of the properties we have. we don't spend money on anything apart from I have a cleaner once a week and we eat some nice meals.

I am desperate for a downstairs loo but DH won't get one installed as we are moving soon anyway but then he never wants to actually move.
I am a HCP so very steady income, DH works in IT his work is also steady.

I think you’re coming across a little snobby, even if you don’t mean to. Now you’ve explained a little more, it seems like the issue is you’re making it about external factors not your own benefit.
So rather than things like ‘our house should reflect our earnings’ which comes across as I want to show everyone how much money we have, you should be focusing on what you’ll get out of it. So I would like more space, a downstairs loo, a quieter road, better parking etc.
My house is lovely but has things I’d rather were different. If our earnings increased I would possibly want to move to improve these and the benefit would be for us. For example our garden is fairly big, but north facing and an awkward layout. It’s not a deal breaker but a better layout would motivate me to move. I’d love a utility or an office. So again if I could get these I would. But it wouldn’t be because I think I should have them now I’m earning x. More because it would make my life easier.
Have a heart to heart with your husband and try and get to the bottom of what is keeping you stuck. Stop thinking in terms of where you should be living and think about what you actually need and want in a house for yourselves.

Quite often nicer areas do feel more desirable and have better housing stock. I would also say that you should say to DH about what you would really like in a house. BTL is a bit of a luxury and could add to your tax bill eventually. I’d rather have a decent main house.

Very few people with ££££ live like a hermit. The vast majority have some nice things. Cars don’t interest everyone but often wealthy people enjoy their investments and, although they might go into the pub, they often have other friends with money too. They might appear down to earth but many have some wealth that’s been handed down.

Overall, most people do what makes them happy! Not because anyone else cares!

I don’t think you are snobby, it’s an incompatibility between you and your DH. He seems to prefer to be house poor but cash rich side of spectrum, whereas you’d rather be further towards the house rich and cash poor end of the spectrum.
You’re going to have to reach a compromise between the two of you.

I agree with PlanDeRaccordement
Incompatibilities are a pain!

It seems to me the main conflict you have with DH is not about whether you’re being snobby or not, but whether having 2 BTLs is unnecessarily restricting your choice of main home.

If you are in secure jobs with good incomes, you don’t necessarily need the rental income, although you could ring-fence this income to more quickly reduce your mortgage with the potential of being mortgage free quicker and thus have better life choices later. If it is to increase property capital as prices (hopefully) increase it would make more financial sense to have all your capital in once house - as others have said you would pay CGT on the future sale of the BTLs.

However (without being snobby) it is quite a normal desire to live in the best house you can comfortably afford - not usually because of how it looks to others, but because it’s good to have a home environment you love and enjoy.

I also suspect your DH has got caught up in the problem of what property is the best choice - we all need to compromise when choosing property, but sometimes after looking for too long we forget what is important and get bogged down and even a bit bewildered.

I think it’s time to sit down and make some lists of what the key priorities are, where you both want to be property-wise long term, and whether the BTLs are useful in those plans.

I think pension provision also comes into this. Most people have a BTL for pension purposes. However it’s best to have them as part of overall pension strategy. So if you and DH pay into a good pension scheme or have a very good employers scheme, how necessary are the BTLs? This is part of the conversation you should have. Payments into a pension scheme are tax efficient. BTLs are not. You pay tax on the income and on the profit if you sell. It’s not likely to be less tax in the future either. So I would look at your pension planning and evaluate what should be done. Having money in a single house you live in is more tax efficient.

I live in a flat in zone 3, don’t own a car, wear second hand clothes but I will admit to being a snob. I'm an educational and intellectual snob and I cannot lie. Snobbery comes in different forms, I find people displaying their wealth pretty tacky. Please feel free to snob me because I don’t earn a 6 figure salary.

@Chumleymouse

Being a snob has got nothing to do with how much money someone has got .its about how they think they are better than others ( less wealthy) and can’t wait to tell people how much they have/ or how much something costs, it’s about the attitude of the person.

Talking about money or what you earn is just crass , it’s quite common on this forum and some of the posts just make me cringe.

I know a bloke who has millions he drives around in a 30 year old Land Rover and works digging in a knackered old jcb. He’s never had any kids or got married and still lives next door to his mum who’s about 90 ,he just looks like any normal old bloke. I don’t think he aspires to much except he likes working. He would never talk about money and I only know this because my mates dad drinks with him in the pub.

I totally agree with this. And I think a lot of the people that are guilty of this are so caught up in their own self importance they don't have a clue they're doing it. Sometimes it's relevant to mention prices or jobs etc... but when you see comments on here like "I have this flooring in the shed of our 4th holiday home that we only use when we're bored of the other 3", it's so unnecessary and it can't even be described as a humble-brag as so bloody blatant!

I class myself as a bit of a snob. Sometimes I do assume things are better when more expensive... however I'm happy to be proved wrong and would never buy something just for the brand name. I cannot bear things with logos all over them, this just screams desperate and possibly deluded to me. Also I really don't think I brag about anything, on the contrary, if I buy something expensive I will play it down and justify the expense. So perhaps there's also a bit of a difference between a snob and being ostentatious too!

OP I did think you came across a bit snobby at first. But then I realised you'd just worded your post poorly. There's absolutely nothing snobby about having the best material things... as long as they're within your budget, which sounds as if they are. I do think you and your husband may have very different ideas though, which could be a worry. Have you had disagreements about spending money before? If not perhaps he's just really attached to your current house or doesn't like change?

I'm an educational and intellectual snob and I cannot lie.
At least you have standards

I've never heard it put like that before, about the house reflecting earnings. Of course it's not unreasonable to want to live somewhere nicer, if you can afford it, but if that's your motivation then yes, you sound snobby.

If you have considered and looked at numerous options, what has been the problem with them and the ‘blockers’. It sounds to me like you and your DH need to look at must haves and what you can live without and find your compromises otherwise it sounds like you’ll never move!

Wanting a nice house and great things and having standards isn’t snobby - I’d agree it’s just phraseology and the way you put it which is open to a bit of misinterpretation. I can be an utter skinflint in some areas but I like having a house I love in a nice area with well designed furniture & clothes etc as it makes me happy. I genuinely don’t think liking things to be pleasing makes you any kind of snob - I’d just work on how you phrase that with the DH and tackle what really is the root of the problem here with his blockers to getting out of where you are.

@SJaneS49

If you have considered and looked at numerous options, what has been the problem with them and the ‘blockers’. It sounds to me like you and your DH need to look at must haves and what you can live without and find your compromises otherwise it sounds like you’ll never move!

Wanting a nice house and great things and having standards isn’t snobby - I’d agree it’s just phraseology and the way you put it which is open to a bit of misinterpretation. I can be an utter skinflint in some areas but I like having a house I love in a nice area with well designed furniture & clothes etc as it makes me happy. I genuinely don’t think liking things to be pleasing makes you any kind of snob - I’d just work on how you phrase that with the DH and tackle what really is the root of the problem here with his blockers to getting out of where you are.

Apologies, my first post did sound garbled due to lacking sleep. Yes I don't really have expensive tastes, I'm pretty happy with basic things. You do have to wonder though, what is the point of saving if you aren't going to buy anything or make life easier for yourself?

On the plus side, I've been leaving OH to it and he's been looking and picking some really nice properties to view. Perhaps I just needed to take the pressure off?

you don't sound like a Snob at all... you want to live somewhere more appealing ... WTF is so wrong with that

you have the money.. so crack on 🌺

I honestly don’t see anything wrong with spending money you’ve worked hard for on things which give you pleasure and make life more comfortable for yourself @nellyii. Having good taste isn’t something that’s a bad thing and I agree with the PP - crack on! And good news that the OH seems to be doing just that with properties!

And on another completely irrelevant note, my DD2 is a Nelly as well. Not a name you hear much and I love it!

I don't think you can call wanting to spend 425k on a house snobby. That's nothing.