Have to make a decision on north london by tomorrow

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A school place at a good school in north London has come up. Told just before Xmas. Have to let them know tomorrow if we want it and then somehow move us plus two kids for start of school!!!

On the one side I love the area, I've never settled where we are, commute is less. Not too hard to get to ageing parents. Very green. BUT secondaries worry me. We want to go private or try for grammar but there is only one or two vv competitive choices there and the grammars are miles away. We also don't know many people there so essentially we'd be starting again. And something is making me nervous about making a huge move with kids back to a lovely area of London but still with all the negatives of inner London. And it's vv expensive. And the thought of telling my son he's moving school next week is worrying me massively and I'm not sure how I'll cope moving us all into a tiny flat with all the upheaval that comes with moving.

I'm now also pondering Wimbledon as a better option with kids though I can't see how on earth to get them into a decent school. It's seems uber oversubscribed and competitive there. Worse than north London even. V expensive. And further from my parents. But there is a better choice of private secondaries and Sutton grammars. And nearer to friends. Of course this wouldn't be now but maybe going into year 2 or 3.

Or we stay where we are and I get help for my declining mental health. I've unfortunately posted many times on here before and I don't really know why I'm posting again. Only I can make this decision. I've been in limbo for 6 years and it's thrown me now that the one place I've pined after is now an option and I'm sh1tting myself that it won't make me feel any better.

I also suspect that if you don't at least try it, you'll make yourself even more miserable wondering 'what if'.

Highgate School was the secondary we would love but we can't put eggs into one basket. I have heard increasingly negative things about Fortismere which concerned me.

I would definitely not bank on Highgate - it's incredibly difficult to get into. I live in Hampstead & know several families who sent their kids privately.

I have only heard great things about Fortismere.

Most people would move back in. If they could afford it. It all comes down to money.

Highgate is so lovely (arguably the nicest part of London in many ways), as is Muswell Hill. If you can afford Highgate you can afford Alexandra Palace down the road a mile, which has great primary and secondary schools and is also green and leafy and has lots of community stuff going on, so you could move there for secondary.

Most people would move back in. If they could afford it.

That's just not true- you couldn't drag me kicking and screaming out of the West Country back to the SE. It's horses for courses.

I agree that Surrey and the like is the worst of all worlds.

I feel very stuck here. My parents are in east anglia. I don't want to move any further than 2 hours from them.
We did consider SW as DH family down there but I would feel so horribly homesick for seeing my mum.
So we're stuck around the SE. All our friends are here too though dotted around.
I'm feeling very shaky. Thanks everyone for the hand hold. I'm trying to keep it all in perspective.

Ok so it probably suits you to be somewhere north of London rather than south. That’s a start. Next up: smaller property, higher rent and more urban - or bigger property and more suburban, possibly even a town outside London? What’s your instinct?

I know people who commute in from St Albans for example. It doesn’t take longer than a commute from the London suburbs. Is that something you’d consider?

Is it a private school? So residency doesn't matter for now? As assuming you'd need to be living there to get a LA place.

This all sounds rushed to me and you dont found in the best place for making a huge decision.

I know education is important, but you seem to be really over invested in getting exactly the right school, which is hugely risky, as a big factor in that will be what your kids want.

There is another approach, move to an area you like where the schools are all of a good standard. I live in Hitchin, and one of the big draws was the lack of stress about schooling. Pretty much all the schools primary and secondary are great. It is 30min from kings X and Cambridge, 40 min to London bridge. It would be closer to your mum. It has a scene of its own, so feels much less commutery.

You need to find a way to make a good choice for you all, and accept that it
will not be perfect. I wouldn't worry for a second about moving back in. You are talking about Highgate, hardly the ghetto.
You seem to have the means and support to pursue lots of options including going private, so you are not by any means stuck, yet you are finding this paralysing. My worry would be that unless you understand the basis of these fears, that you could repeat this cycle endlessly. It might help to get some professional help to talk this through.

Most people would move back in. If they could afford it. It all comes down to money.

Given the high house prices and commuting costs, I doubt it. Quality of life seems to be the main reasons for moving out.

OP, so if you need culture, do you go back into London often? Presumably, living in the commuter belt, you can still get to museums and theatres in 1h-1h15? From Highgate that would probably take 30-45mins? Will that really be the key to making you feel happy?

Why is it all down to you? What does your DH want? In what way is your mental health declining, as a move can be very stressful?
I agree with a pp that you are focussing too much on schools. If you live somewhere big now, a move to a small flat may feel uncomfortable even if It's in a great area with good schools.

I guess it's because this chance has come up and we also have to apply for our younger son by mid jan so it will get v hard to move after this.
It's not a rash decision we've thought about this for 6 years but can't get our priorities in order.
We've looked at other commuter towns like hitch in and St Albans but weren't wowed. St A better than where we are but prob not for all the upheaval. I wished we'd moved there or just stayed in London rather than move to Surrey in the beginning. St A also mega expensive and felt very suburban away from the centre.
Hitchin is still 2 hours from parents and we know no one there.
My mental health has been bad since we moved. I think a lot is to do with being where we are but also parenthood.
We've also considered Suffolk.
If we stay put I will need to go on anti depressants and make some changes.

You seem to think this move would be the panacea for your mh. Unfortunately life there will have moved on, just like it has for you, and you may be setting yourself up for disappointment and find life just as difficult.

I know loads of people with kids at fortismere I actually live right next to it and hear good things. Muswell hill/ Alexandra palace are great for getting on the north circular. They are very community based, easy to make new friends. Would you get the sort of property that would make you happy?

Well, I think you should seek antidepressants and so forth anyway tbh. No point holding back! Do what you need to do to be the best you can be.

As for moving vs staying put, just don’t fall victim to the sunk costs fallacy.

@LIZS on the contrary I know it won't and that's why I'm so nervous

Highgate and Muswell Hill are lovely areas to live, everything you have said so far suggests you could be very happy there. If I were you I would try this move, for the commute, the community, the culture, your MH. It wont be the end of the world if this move doesn't work out but

....if you don't try I think you might always regret the what if.

I would seriously recommend ADs. You don't need to suffer and everything will be so much easier when you are feeling calmer and more positive.
Also try not to worry too much about schools. If your kids are supported and gently encouraged in their learning they are likely to do well whichever school they go to.
So find a place (mentally and physically) that works for you and your DH, then find the best local school for your kids.
Take care OP

Thank you I am going to go to the doctor 😢

Sounds a good idea. I hope they are sympathetic and helpful. Mine was. I've been on ADs a couple of years now and it has been life-changing. I still have ups and downs but the downs are so much easier to manage and I feel much stronger and more positive overall. Best of luck

Good idea OP good luck. I hope 2020 brings you all sorts of joy.

My mental health has been bad since we moved. I think a lot is to do with being where we are but also parenthood.

I would move back, if you are renting it's not that huge a commitment, gives you time to settle or change your mind. Your mental health is important. I couldn't live in Surrey or any other outer London suburb, I know my mental health would suffer too. North London all the way imho, despite the negativity London is very family friendly.

To add, I wouldn’t go on ad’s, it will only mask what only geography can fix, reading your posts it clear that the move to Surrey wasn’t the best. Have you been there 6 years?

I agree with PP re: Wimbledon, we lasted 7 weeks there many years ago. If I were you I wouldn’t move to an unknown area.

The years will fly by, it’s not worth suffering where you are when your heart is not in it.