Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Property/DIY

Join our Property forum for renovation, DIY, and house selling advice.

Original poster

Dad offered to help with renovations. Now raining on every parade.

49 replies

RenoCat · 12/10/2019 21:29

I want to preface this by saying that I know that I am fortunate to even be having these issues, and that I am grateful for the offer of help, and that this is not about money.

My dad is a builder by trade. DH and I (late 20s) have just bought our first property and and it needs a fair bit of work. Dad assured me that he would be happy to help free of charge and wants to see me happy etc etc. Wonderful, thought naive little me.

His attitude has changed somewhat since I said this was our starter home and we will want to move on in about 5 years' time.

We've not actually started any work yet but we keep clashing over things and it's turning an exciting time for us into a bitter experience.

Everything I want, he will try to talk me out of it. He is basically suggesting doing the house up with neutral basics but I don't want to feel like I still live in a rental. I've had it up to here with black and white and grey and beige and cheap carpets and laminate and putting up with things as they are and trying to show my style and personality through cushions and artwork and other impermanent things. I loooooove colour and patterns and I feel like I've done my time and now I should be able to pick things I like FOR MY OWN HOUSE.

DH doesn't care either way as long as he gets his gaming station set up Hmm

I'm now in a kind of fuzzy headspace where I can't tell if I'm being stubborn because I'm sick of him challenging me on everything and I need to "win" or whether I really do feel very passionately about a certain feature.

Some of the things we've disagreed on:

I want a wooden floor, dad says we should get vinyl or laminate as it "lasts longer"
I want shaker style cabinets in the kitchen with a solid wood counter. Dad says it's too expensive and we should get a quartz or something
I want nice tiles in the bathroom - either a feature wall where the bath/shower is with plain complementary tiles on the other walls, or something a little bit dramatic like one type of tile on every wall e.g. blue squares a la mid century modern. Dad says we should just tile where we need a splashback and paint the rest. I think that looks cheap and unfinished and I don't want it in my house. I don't mind paying for few more tiles.
I want wallpaper in one of the bedrooms, he says we should just paint it.
He will suggest random extravagant things like underfloor heating!

I feel like a petulant child, but I think backing out now and saying that I don't need his help will be like throwing fuel on a fire. My dad is not English either, so helping his children set up a home is a source of great pride and a significant cultural "thing", so I feel extra stuck and annoyed.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 12/10/2019 21:37

"Dad this is my home, let me make my own mistakes. I want to decorate it like this so I can enjoy it"

Cynara · 12/10/2019 21:38

I know EXACTLY where you are coming from, because I felt just the same about my first mortgaged home. I knew we'd only be in it for about 5 years, but I desperately wanted it to be "right" and decorated the way I wanted after years of living in rented accommodation.
For lots of reasons (not relevant here) I ended up compromising and honestly I am so, so glad I did, because the money I saved by not squandering it on a house I was always going to leave has paid for the truly beautiful home that I live in now. It's very hard to see from where you are now, I know. But honestly, if you're not planning to stay in that house, don't pour money into it that you won't get back in resale value. Look forwards and plan for the future, it will pay off.

Original poster
RenoCat · 12/10/2019 21:59

Cynara

Ooooh I was afraid someone would say that.

Can I ask how much you ended up comprising? Was it along the same kind of lines as I gave in my OP? I think the thing I feel most passionately about is the flooring. I wish DP had an opinion.

OP posts:
ncbaaybeee · 12/10/2019 22:14

You might not want to hear this but underfloor heating is amazing - nothing worse than a freezing cold floor from Oct-Mar every year

7to25 · 12/10/2019 22:15

He is wrong about the flooring. It will be a big selling feature unless you are overdeveloping a very cheap property.
Are you prepared to repaint?
Don't splash out on tiles, sorry stay neutral.
Avoid wooden worktops.

ConfCall · 12/10/2019 22:19

I can see his point given that you plan to move in a few years’ time, and as a builder, his opinions presumably are informed ones.

However, the final decisions are yours and your husband’s, 100%.

Cynara · 12/10/2019 22:30

Of course you can. My compromises were along the lines of repainting all the kitchen cupboards rather than having the new kitchen that I wanted; opting for laminate (I hated it) in the living room rather than the wooden floor. For context: we would never, ever have got the money for a wooden floor back when we sold the house. However, in our new house we have a beautiful wooden floor and I truly value it because I waited so long and saved so hard for it. Trust me, the time will go quickly. Keep your powder dry and look towards the future!

Original poster
RenoCat · 12/10/2019 22:33

ncbaaybeee

I'll see how we get on in the winter - especially if it snows! I like the idea but I know it's expensive and it didn't feel like a priority.

7to25

It is a cheap house, but it's in London. Other houses in the area are £40-50k more than what we paid for ours, but they are more modernised.

Have no issues painting.

ConfCall

I can see his point given that you plan to move in a few years’ time, and as a builder, his opinions presumably are informed ones.

The PLAN is to move, but of course Brexit might fuck everything up and either one of us might lose our jobs and be stuck and unable to buy anything bigger...

OP posts:
MissMarks · 12/10/2019 22:38

I wouldn’t spend lots on things you won’t get your money back on. Maybe an engineered wooden floor as opposed to solid wood.

notdaddycool · 12/10/2019 22:46

I’m largely with you. Bright colours can be painted over easily if it won’t sell, at negligible cost. I’d keep floors good quality they may cost a couple of hundred more to buy now but buying cheap, ripping up and starting over is very expensive. You can get cheapish tiles that look great, you can add colour to the rest of the walls and paint over in future. Underfloor heating is great but if it is the type of house you would probably be selling to a FTB on a tight budget or a landlord will that be a priority for them? I doubt it. Is there potential for an extension or loft conversion that you can start talking up, suggesting you may be there longer so should do things well might get you through the next few months.

SD1978 · 12/10/2019 22:54

There as aspects I'm afraid I agree with your dad on. There isn't any point in spending big money or your style in a home that is temporary and you know is temporary. It should be done up in a way that yes you like, but not as a forever home do up- it's a waste of money you may not get back. The floors I'm 50/50- I wouldn't discount a nicely laminated floor over wooden- but if you have wooden. Will they actually increase the value? Given this home is your stepping stone- you are basically renovating it to sell and to not kind living in it at the moment. Your dad has more experience and I don't think is deliberately trying to upset you, but doesn't see the point in wasting all his time and your money on something that will be in the grand scheme. A fleeting home.

Csleeptime · 12/10/2019 22:54

We renovated in London. It went very well. We did wooden worktop way way way cheaper than quartz, doing it again right now delivered Friday! Wood and beyond....No I don't work there. Then carpenter fits on day rate, takes half a day. Then you oil it to seal it. Looks amazing
Wooden floor, same thing, buy online similar place. Engineered oak. Will be much easier to resell, laminate is not fashionable any more.

Agree with your dad on tiling. It's very very expensive. You don't want a crap tiler who is cheap. Paint what you can, you won't see that money ever again. Underfloor heating really depends on the area but from what you've said I wouldn't do it.

Paint...Do what you want, it can be easily changed. Wallpaper where you want, again you can change it who cares.

Bottom line, your house, your rules. Get dp to back you up say you appreciate the help but it's your first home and it's going to be how.you want it. Be clear.

GreenTulips · 12/10/2019 23:06

I going to disagree here, but I’m sick of seeing personallity less homes for sale, row after to row of samey decor carpets and dull kitchens - I want some umpfff!!!

Good quality floors, interesting tiles - our bathroom is blue and I love it!!

We have purple and green wallpaper in the living room,

Hoolihan · 12/10/2019 23:12

Have it how you want it and get what you love. You only live once.

PigletJohn · 13/10/2019 00:20

I love it when they say "you want beige on that wall" (or whatever)

Because it's a cue to reply "No, you're mistaken."

Which triggers them saying how great beige is

Which you interrupt by saying "You told me I want beige. You're wrong. It's my house, and I want mauve. You choose what you want in your house, and I'll choose what I want in mine.

notangelinajolie · 13/10/2019 00:25

I would love to agree with you but your dad is right. He knows what he's talking about. If you aren't planning on stopping in this house for long them you should listen to him and not be wasting his free time and money on things that don't add one iota of value.

GreenTulips · 13/10/2019 00:27

Yellow wallpaper costs the same as beige.

Pink paint costs the same as dark blue.

Tiles with a few expensive splashes don’t cost much more - probably £50 in it for something you’ll enjoy.

Hardwood floors last a lifetime.

Your choice.

Solina · 13/10/2019 08:59

This is pretty much why me and DP have not involved anyone else in our first house. It is our house, we will choose what we want. Everyone has an opinion it seems so it is best to not give them the chance to voice them.

However, the only thing I will say is I would save the money on the flooring. I wanted hardwood floors but the cheapest started at over twice the price of the good quality laminates. We went with good quality laminate we both really liked as we are not staying here forever and I doubt it would have made the place increase in value or be more likely to sell fast.

TiddleTaddleTat · 13/10/2019 10:58

Sorry, I think your dad has a point. It will be a significant time investment to help you out with these things, and I'm sure he'd be delighted to do so, but it's pretty demotivating to do it and then expect to have to do it again in a few years...

What can you do yourself? Painting, tiling, flooring? Perhaps that would be a fair compromise.

Definitely don't go for high end finish if it's not going to increase the value of the house much. Eg if it's a 60s ex council flat in the borders of east London, don't put in corona worksurfaces.

As a halfway house could you get your dad to do the basics - eg. LVT for the flooring, plain(ish) bathroom tiles, and then you go bold with your paint colours? Much easier to paint it all white if and when you come to sell, rather than try and recoup your costs on expensive finishes that future owners might just rip out anyway...

TiddleTaddleTat · 13/10/2019 10:59

Corian

Butterymuffin · 13/10/2019 11:01

He's right about the underfloor heating, so go along with that, and for everything else say 'I want this thing my way. Look, I took your advice on the underfloor heating!'

MarieG10 · 13/10/2019 11:10

He sounds like he is right for advice, but in the end it is your house and if you want to spend the money then it's your choice. You will probably regret it as another poster suggested.

You are lucky having him though

DustyDoorframes · 13/10/2019 11:26

Even if you do move in five years, it's still five years of your life! You could go under a bus in 4.5 years and have been waiting for your floors that entire time! Enjoy now! We lived in our first home for 6 years, and definitely "overdeveloped " the bathroom, but it still cost less than two big holidays and that bathroom gave me joy every single day. We also sold it with rooms painted bright green, bright red, all sorts. It sold in 5 days. Several people absolutely loved it and it stood out in the sea of beige starter flats.
I think the wood floors are likely to last better and add value. Fully tiling the bathroom will delight you so DO IT. You could ask your dad to teach you to tile, so you do one wall together and you do the rest, with his help for the tricky bits, rather than asking him to do masses of tedious timing he doesn't believe in. And then you will have the skill in future so can tile whatever the heck you like.

RandomMess · 13/10/2019 11:53

Paint and wallpaper will most likely benefit from being redone in 5 years to make it pristine for selling so definitely go with what you like!

PekkaNek · 13/10/2019 15:24

We had wooden worktops in our last house and splashed out on gorgeous quartz now. Definitely listen about that!
We also have wood effect Amtico and it's lovely and hard wearing.
We have large grey stone tiles all around the shower and that's it. Looks fab I think!
Decoration can be changed easily, so do what you like there!