Relocated and think I’ve made a huge mistake. Help!

[Gotanewname]

A year ago we (me, DH, DCs) relocated from a southern city to a very rural spot up north. We moved to be near family and it is nice being nearer them...but I’m very unhappy. The whole move up here was my idea. It was meant to be a big life change. I hate it. I feel isolated. I miss living in the city. I miss popping out for a meal or having access to great shops. I miss the culture. I miss my friends. I’ve met some lovely people but nobody I am or could see me becoming good friends with. I don’t feel I fit in. I feel I have made this massive mistake. I’ve felt like this basically from the start and it’s getting worse. I want to go home.

DH isn’t in the same place. He misses the buzz of the city and our friends there, but on balance is convinced it was the right thing. He is very frustrated with me that I pushed for this and now I’m not happy.

Kids are settled, eldest happy at a good school. I know the eldest misses some the things that used to be available - parks, clubs, etc - but they are settled here. Little one is a bit little to have a view!

What the heck do I do? This was supposed to be our forever home. It’s a beautiful house in a beautiful area. It’s just not for me. DH is pretty angry at me about it. I suspect if I pushed he’d eventually agree to go back. But I’d be uprooting them all for me. I think the kids would ultimately be better off there than here, mind you. (But of course I would say that!)

Can any relate? Any advice? It’s taking over my life and I feel trapped and sick.

How good are you usually at adapting to changes?
In addition to the kids being settled, what else do you like about the new home & area?
You don’t mention anything terrible about it. It seems you should give it your best positive effort at least for a year.

That “a” was supposed to be “another”.

I’m afraid I think you need to suck it up and make it work for the sake of your family. You can’t uproot kids across the country and then turn round and drag them back again as soon abs they’re settled. Unless everyone is miserable this kind of move has to be one way in my opinion. Are there any larger towns in your new area that you could relocate to in the future as a bit of a compromise lifestyle-wise but without changing the kids schools etc?

Give it one more year. I think it takes 2 years to settle in a new area/country really and probably 4 years for it to feel like home sometimes and for some people. Try to think back to exactly why you decided to move. Did you make a list of pros and cons at the time? Can you dig that out and go through it to remind yourself of why you came to the decision? If not, think back, and write out that list now and keep reminding yourself. Your dh thinks it was a good decision, so give yourself a little more time.

In my twenties I moved to another country and for the first year I was so bored I could literally have bashed my head against the wall repeatedly. Then I grew used to the slow pace of life, and when I moved back to the UK eight years later, I found it horribly busy and stressful. But now I've re-adapted!

Don’t worry, OP, this kind of thing happens. It’s totally plausible and fairly common that someone moves to a dramatically different living situation and doesn’t like it. There was no way of actually knowing what it was going to be like, living in a rural place when you’ve been used to city life.

I think it’s unfair of your husband to be angry at you. You are just being honest about a situation which was an unknown for all of you.
Having said that though, I think you should put your head down, stop speaking negatively about the new area, and give it another eg. year before deciding anything as a family.
After that period was up, you could talk to your DH about a compromise, as RainyCloud suggested above.

It will be fine - your DCs are still really young so it would be fine if you were to move again.

Ugh I do see how this is a difficult situation though! I relocated to another country and luckily really like it, but I can imagine how terrible I’d feel if I was unhappy!

Is there a compromise anywhere. Such as commit to two years then re evaluate.

Or move to a nearby city where you are now. Preferably if the kids can stay at their schools, and you in your jobs etc.

What did you move for? Did you make everyone move?

I think if you were the driving force, which it sounds like, and everyone else is settled and happy; you need to give it your best shot for a while. It's probably not your forever home if you can't settle; but I don't think you can drag everyone back straight away either.

If you're being honest, are you forcing yourself to try and meet people, integrate and fit in, or have you checked out already? It is always hard to move somewhere new, it take a lot of time and effort for it to feel like "home".

Move it will only get worse.

I moved out of London to the countryside because of dps job.

I was up for the change and thought people would be the same where ever.
I am a confident person and thought I would make friends where ever I went.

After initially trying to make an effort and working in a job in the town I think I went years without speaking to anyone other than Dp and my friends from London or if I had to ask for something in a shop.

The day we moved i was throwing out stuff in the back of the removal truck and couldn’t wait to be out of the place.

I too had a lovely house.

Unless we move to the US I am not leaving the M25 again.

FWIW Dp said if I didn’t like it we would move back after 6 months.

I was there 12 years and it was 12 years too long.
It is though I wasted 12 years of my life. The depression was horrible.

In the end I had to threaten splitting up in order to move Dp.

Hi OP, I did the same eight years ago. We moved from a SE London suburb to rural Lancashire. To be fair apart from some things I do really miss, such as takeaways actually being delivered to my house, no ATMs in the village, no proper park (I know we are surrounded by fields and hills but sometimes I just want somewhere to take my children scooting, teach them to ride their bikes, nice playground etc), I didn’t have a problem settling in as I found the other mums from school nice and also we got involved in the village church. I joined a choir in the next town too and made sure I wasn’t always tied to the village (I wfh so it was a big change from commuting into London).

However, I did find that It took me a few years to find proper good friends and I had to work at that. I’m fine now but it was hard to make the step up from acquaintances to proper mates iykwim - but I think any relocation would be the same if you aren’t within say an hour’s travelling distance of your old friends.

I think though everyone is different - that is just my (relatively happy) experience but I totally get that you and others might feel differently. I think though that there may be things that you can do to try to make it a better situation for yourself instead of just thinking that you hate it and you want to move?

Thank you all, this is interesting. So I wouldn’t say I was completely the driving force, but it was my idea. DH was more than on board though. I did start to get cold feet before the move but we were a long way down the road and he convinced me it was last minute nerves. But yes, I can’t deny it was my idea.

I genuinely think I have tried to make friends - thrown myself in to PTA stuff and joined two running clubs. It’s true that last few weeks I’ve checked out though.

Oliversmumsarmy, what you said resonated though. I feel like my mind isn’t going to change but maybe we should stay anyway. But the thought of being stuck here forever makes me depressed beyond words.

I've done a lot of moving op- not always driven by me but often by DHs job. That feeling of not being where you want to be is very hard but you have to give it longer than 1 year. There is also a mentality involved; you have to stop thinking about your old life all the time and embrace what you have there - there are big benefits to you and your family for being in the countryside.
At my lowest points in new locations I have done anything to meet new people: choirs, running clubs, volunteering - eventually you'll meet someone somewhere who will feel like a proper friend and it'll start to feel okay. Hang on in there for a bit longer and try not to dwell in the past .

Can you have a holiday where you used to live? Meet up with some friends, do some of the things you miss. That might be enough to make you feel a bit happier. You can go back to your rural home but know that every so often you can go back and catch up with your Southern friends.

I do think you need to take longer than a year to settle. To uproot your family again, particularly your child who has just got used to a new school, does strike me as a bit selfish.

I think often you can look back at things with rose tinted glasses. Remind yourself of all the reasons why you thought a move away was right for you.

Why did we move? We were both very unhappy in our jobs, commuting long distances and so on. Kids were in childcare way too much. Had a massive, expensive house. I thought this was our only way out. We’re both now freelance, not earning as much but vastly happier on that front. What I’m kicking myself for is not really thinking that we could just downsize (we’d still have had a lovely, plenty big enough house) and work freelance there. We didn’t need to move to the end of the world to do that!

I also think you haven't given it long enough. How far are you calling very rural? There might not be an Indian restaurant nearby but surely there are pubs to pop for a meal? Culture might be the NT live screening at a cinema.

Is there somewhere within that area that would be a better fit for you? If there isn’t you need to be honest with your DH that you’ve fucked up, you’re miserable and you want to move back.

Don’t think of it as forever. Think of it as fifteen years ish until kids leave home and then think again.

You could also trawl Right Move for smaller properties where you want to live and check out childcare/schools so that you can present your DH with options for returning but not losing out on the all of benefits you’ve gained from moving.

You need to give it more time and you need to commit fully. You will not become happy if you keep thinking that the move was a mistake and that ultimately your kids would be better off down south. I've moved a lot from when I was a child and as an adult. What it taught me is that the only way to enjoy being where you are is to accept 100% that that is where you are and not wish and hanker for something else. Then set about creating the life you love where you are. For what it's worth,. PTA is in my experiences often full, hmmm, difficult people. If you haven't clicked with anyone there or at running club, try something else. Also, people around you are presumably settled. They haven't waited for you or your family to arrive, so it's on you to make friends.
In your shoes I'd focus on all the reasons you made the move and do all the things you thought you'd enjoy.

Give it quite a bit more time, and don’t think that it has to be forever as that can have a way of making you feel trapped which isn’t good for the mind.

Start to plan ways of getting that city buzz once in a while (monthly day trip or something like that).

Remember that many people find big changes very difficult to adapt to and you might be one of those.

It will probably take at least two years to fully adapt and acclimatise and if you’re then still convinced that it’s not right, you can make plans to move.

Whereabouts are you roughly OP? Some people may have some suggestions. Or may even be local for you to meet up with. I think a move especially such a big one can often mean a period of adjustment. We made a move a few years ago back to where we grew up and I do regret it. But the kids are doing well and are in decent schools (two have Sen and we have no hope of moving as they’re settled and I couldn’t risk the disruption). Try and put yourself out there as much as possible.

I understand,this happened to me ,my dh changed job and was traveling 4 hours round trip every day for work .,so we moved across country for him...7 years it took me to settle ,and 20 years later it still does not feel like home ..I understand x

Someone asked how rural...very. Nothing within walking distance. A small shop and a (rubbish) pub ten minutes drive away. Nearest town is 30 minutes away. Things like kids swimming is 45 minutes. Nearest station to get to civilisation is 25 minutes.

So I guess I need to give it longer. Getting my head in the right space is a bigger challenge when I’m so convinced it’s wrong.

I appreciate the views though.

As fucks up go, this one feels like a big one.

I sympathize Op! we did this, although to Bristol not to be near family. We stuck it for 3 years and then moved back. It was fun, like being on hols, but we missed being near London. Other friends did the same and are still there. Give it another year.

It really isn’t. You don’t yet know that it’s not the right thing to have done - you might well, in time, be able to look at it more objectively and see that it actually wasn’t a mistake at all. At the moment you’re reacting emotionally and subjectively to a very new set of circumstances.

Relax and feel your way into it and most of all start looking into more ways of making it work for you as much as possible and gleaning all the benefits you can from it - for yourself personally but also for your children, and your husband and your relationship with him (long commutes, stress and high-pressured lives can be a real detriment to health and happiness, long term).