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Original poster

Relocated and think I’ve made a huge mistake. Help!

88 replies

Gotanewname · 06/10/2019 11:24

A year ago we (me, DH, DCs) relocated from a southern city to a very rural spot up north. We moved to be near family and it is nice being nearer them...but I’m very unhappy. The whole move up here was my idea. It was meant to be a big life change. I hate it. I feel isolated. I miss living in the city. I miss popping out for a meal or having access to great shops. I miss the culture. I miss my friends. I’ve met some lovely people but nobody I am or could see me becoming good friends with. I don’t feel I fit in. I feel I have made this massive mistake. I’ve felt like this basically from the start and it’s getting worse. I want to go home.

DH isn’t in the same place. He misses the buzz of the city and our friends there, but on balance is convinced it was the right thing. He is very frustrated with me that I pushed for this and now I’m not happy.

Kids are settled, eldest happy at a good school. I know the eldest misses some the things that used to be available - parks, clubs, etc - but they are settled here. Little one is a bit little to have a view!

What the heck do I do? This was supposed to be our forever home. It’s a beautiful house in a beautiful area. It’s just not for me. DH is pretty angry at me about it. I suspect if I pushed he’d eventually agree to go back. But I’d be uprooting them all for me. I think the kids would ultimately be better off there than here, mind you. (But of course I would say that!)

Can any relate? Any advice? It’s taking over my life and I feel trapped and sick.

OP posts:
dottiedodah · 06/10/2019 14:14

Haggisfish !5 years may not be "forever" but it s a pretty long time!

Original poster
Gotanewname · 06/10/2019 14:19

Ha yes 15 years feels like forever.

But I get it - I need to find away to give it another year with all the negativity.

I have been back to our old city to see friends a few times. Not sure it helps at the moment because arriving feels like home and leaving makes me feel desolate!

OP posts:
Original poster
Gotanewname · 06/10/2019 14:19

*without all the negativity, that should say.

OP posts:
Ninkaninus · 06/10/2019 14:20

It doesn’t actually have to be fifteen years though - it could be two, and then provisionally three more, and then a move.

OP perhaps look at it this way - you’re giving your children the chance to learn adaptability, resilience and the knowledge that change really doesn’t always have to be scary or negative. You’re also giving them the chance to experience a completely different way of life.

If it still isn’t working for you at all in two years’ time then there is nothing stopping you moving again.

WingDefence · 06/10/2019 14:22

Gosh OP that’s far more rural than we are. We’re a km (so walking distance) from the village with a farm shop, school, church and two pubs and the nearest town is 15 mins drive away. Are you renting or did you buy? (Sorry if you’ve already said.)

minesagin37 · 06/10/2019 14:22

It's not fair on your family. You wanted to move and you should have done your homework. Sounds like you like to call the shots.

Ninkaninus · 06/10/2019 14:23

Also, there’s probably nothing stopping you making a different move later on - for example closer to another big town in the region where you are now, rather than a move back to where you were before.

Of course your new place doesn’t feel like home yet, you haven’t had time for it to become home.

Maybe explore other towns and cities rather than going back to ‘home’ for a while, as that really might be a counterproductive thing to do if it’s making you feel homesick and desolate.

JavaQ · 06/10/2019 14:25

There are some good suggestions here- I agree- it is discombobulating to be removed from one's social network.
Think of it as a...10 year plan? Achieve your professional goals; encourage your children to put down roots/get involved; off-load kids to the family so you and DH can have grown-up sybaritic shagfests weekends away....it all sounds good.

Snog · 06/10/2019 14:32

Could you change your work so that you are meeting people at work? That's usually a great way to make friends.

Have you made friends with the parents of your children's friends?

Breathlessness · 06/10/2019 14:34

It’s not a total fuck up because you couldn’t know how you would feel about life there before you lived it. You didn’t do it on a whim or to make other people’s lives complicated. You genuinely felt it would be good for you and your family. You didn’t just move you changed your lifestyles. You have figured out that you can live in a much smaller property very happily and that free lancing works for you. Those are positives that you wouldn’t have discovered if you’d stayed put so even if you did end up moving back it wouldn’t be a wasted experience.

AwkwardSquad · 06/10/2019 14:38

You’re very rural and that is so different to city living, there’s very little point in looking for what you’ve left behind. Can you throw yourself into rural living, at least for a while? Do you like gardening, walking, self-sufficiency, animals, crafting, baking - that sort of thing? Can you attend the local church, or the WI?

Disfordarkchocolate · 06/10/2019 14:44

This reminds me of an episode of Wanted Down Under, all of the positive changes they liked about the move could have done without the move (halved their hours, more time with children, less responsibility).

It sounds like it is being so rural that is the issue, could you move to the nearest small town or nice village? We live in a nice northern town and its great.

Oliversmumsarmy · 06/10/2019 14:45

All those saying to give it more time.

I gave it 12 years and that was 12 years of wasted life.

Everyday you stay is a day wasted.

Check out where you want to move to. Check out schools and present it to your dh.

It took Dp doing a 5 hour commute back to London and me threatening to walk for him to decide to sell.

We sold within 10 minutes of instructing estate agents. The buyers wanted to be moved in 3 weeks so without anywhere to go, with 2 cats and a dog we moved out into holiday cottage accommodation.
I was ecstatic

If your dh doesn’t want to move could you live and work in your preferred area and come back at weekends.

Oliversmumsarmy · 06/10/2019 14:49

Could you change your work so that you are meeting people at work? That's usually a great way to make friends

I went to work in the area we moved to.

After initially trying to make friends I gave up.
I don’t think I spoke to anyone above what my job entailed for a year and in the end went off sick with depression.

Annasgirl · 06/10/2019 14:51

OP my DH and I moved from the city to a more rural town for a bigger house. I hated it. We sold and moved back to the city within 18 months. Best decision ever. Neither of us would ever move again. DH would have stayed in the small rural town but I could not stand it. So glad I stick to my guns.

For all of you saying to the OP that she should stay - why? Why waste 5, 10 or 15 years of your life being miserable? We only get one go at life.

Also, show your DH what you have both achieved and can take with you, freelance working, ability to downsize, - things that can help you move back to a better life in the city.

RandomMess · 06/10/2019 14:58

Could you move locally but far less rural? I cannot imagine coping with rural living, the taxi duties for the DC are bad enough when we live in town and the bus is an option!!

We relocated 5 years ago and I still miss my friends tbh.

user1493494961 · 06/10/2019 15:03

You need to give it longer. You're not exactly at 'the end of the world' if you have a station 25 minutes away.

SmoothLawAbider · 06/10/2019 15:03

The thing is, if you're really unhappy then moving again, while obviously a massive hassle and really annoying, isn't the end of the world. I've moved house about 12 times in my adult life.

The only thing is that it's obviously more difficult with kids. If your kids are settled in their new schools then uprooting them again is not ideal.

So, since you've said you're living very rurally (btw, moving straight from a city to somewhere with one small shop and 10 minutes drive to the nearest pub is kind of crazy!!), have you thought about moving to somewhere else more populated but still in your new area and still near the kids school/s? If you're both freelancing then it's not like your only choice is back down south or in the middle of nowhere! Something of a compromise. Get back into civilisation a bit. What's the nearest small town to the kids' school that has shops and a bank and a supermarket, etc.

Original poster
Gotanewname · 06/10/2019 15:06

I do feel like we’ve learnt a lot and it wouldn’t be totally wasted if we returned. The change in work circumstances has been great for both us. So no I guess it’s nit a total fuck up Just wish we hadn’t come here to find that out we could work differently.

It’s so interesting to get different perspectives. I don’t think I’m going to change my mind, tbh.

I have tried to make friends with the kids’ friends’ parents. They are all pleasant but truth is they have all lived here forever, lots are extended relatives and so on, so they’re very tight knit. The kids definitely miss out on some play dates and things because parents who are friends/family get together and of course we (understandably, to be fair) don’t get included.

It’s all very tricky.

Minesagin, I think that’s a bit harsh to be honest.

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 06/10/2019 15:09

You will get included- it just takes a bit longer.
Maybe factor in a regular city break to do theatre, museums, lunches etc.

You've not been there long enough to really appreciate the advantages yet.

Haggisfish · 06/10/2019 15:16

Can I ask op if you posted a thread on here asking about the move in the first place? So often I see threads where op wants to move out to the country and I wonder if they ever really consider the downsides that others mention. I hope your situation improves in some way.

Original poster
Gotanewname · 06/10/2019 15:19

Haggishfish, no I didn’t. Should have!

OP posts:
NotGreenNotKeen · 06/10/2019 15:21

Takes about 2 yrs to settle

MollyButton · 06/10/2019 15:22

First you need to decide if these second thoughts are just part of a normal pattern of adjustment. This might be about international relocation, but can be applied to your situation.

Next is it just your town/village? Would a nearby one be more welcoming?
Could you move into a town? Would that be more welcoming? Would there be more to do?
You choose this area because you have family nearby? Did you grown up there? Could you move closer to them? Would that help?
If you really yearn for the city - would a Northern city help?

I have spent time biting my tongue when friends have talked about moving to a Highland Croft - because I've known they have no idea what living on one would really be like. But neither would moving back to your Southern City solve all your problems - your work/life balance seems to be better.
So don't act in haste, spend time properly investigating what would be the best compromise for you all to be happy. And at least go and stay in places you are considering (and at all seasons - February is often a good month to see what a place is really like).

alwaysmovingforwards · 06/10/2019 15:29

Well we all make fuck ups and to fair it sounds like this one is pretty big in terms of time and money.
But, I wouldn't wait a few years before going back, the longer you stay the harder it will be for DCs to readjust again. As they get into schools and make friends roots will start getting out down.
Be decisive - either decide to stay and make the best of it without any regrets and just put this down to 'settling in'.
Or start plans now to go back. At least that way the fuck up will be looked back upon as a blip rather than a compromised decade for all involved etc.