Elderly mother moving in with this

[potofdreams1]

Fully realise this is fraught with various problems and pitfalls but would appreciate thoughts/advice.

Elderly DM is 75 and really declining mentally and physically. She lives a good 30 minutes away and as I work can only get across to her about twice a week. A few emergencies have really emphasised how far away she lives. She lives in a bungalow but is finding it very difficult to manage.

I live in an average sized house but am lucky enough to have a huge garden.

DM has suggested selling her place and we build some sort of granny annexe for her in our garden.
This seems like a good idea on many levels - closer to us, able to support and can keep an eye on her. Take away worry of maintaining her house.

However, I have DB who whilst living 3 hours away and therefore not able to help out, obviously still needs to part of any agreement. He agrees we need to consider options but isn't keen on having her live with/near him. Also DM's life is here.

DM's total assets including the house are well below IHT threshold but I still need to be aware of
other implications and while I can't afford to shoulder all costs, the last thing I want is to be seen as profiting from her.

One suggestion (hers) was selling her house and proceeds:
One third to me
One third to DB
One third retained by DM.

So from my part I would build annexe. I also take on any care she needs; although if more is needed she still has some capital left to pay for it with.

Can you throw all reservations/points at me please!

Going on holiday is something that would have to be considered. It would be fine whilst she's fairly well but provision would need to be made for the future.

We have only recently moved ourselves and certainly don't intend to do it again for a very long time! If some catastrophe happened forcing a move then this scenario would need to be discussed with DM and DB

Will she be able to facilitate her own social life? My DM has just moved into a retirement flat near us, didn't know anyone in the area apart from us. Because of the social activities put on she has made a great group of friends, so is not totally reliant on us for social interaction. In fact she is doing much more than when DF was alive. But she also has the option of being in her own flat and doing her own thing if she wants.

Where her flat is, all the amenities are on her doorstep, but the flats are still in a quiet area. She can walk to the shops, doctors etc. There is a social committee that organises events, trips etc. There is also a local community transport bus which she can go on for trips too. In fact she has a better social life than me, and certainly a better social life than she would if she was in an annexe.

Really nice static caravan. Can be sold or upgraded in the future as required. Let your dm pay for it though - I’m not seeing why she sells the house, keeps a third for herself, gives a third to her son, and allows her daughter spends her share providing accommodation?

OP also look at how much free time you currently have and then see how much of that you would have for your DM if she moved in with you? Are your teens at many activities, are you their taxi?

smaller was the better quality of life simply looking at the elderly person's perspective? There are many threads on here and in fact PP on this thread has said with hindsight her friend would not have moved her parent in. I remember when my DGF died and it was possibly mooted the DGM move in with us, my DM saying the day DGM moved in would be the day she moved out! I look back fondly on family Christmases hosted by DM with all the GPs, DM certainly does not look back as fondly on them!
Having a family member move in can cause huge strains on families and even when it is cultural I think it can be viewed that it is your duty and at some point you will get your reward when it is your turn to move in with family (and possibly rule the roost)

smaller makes a good point about quality of life, it's important, but not at the expense of your own. My DM ended up on blood pressure medication and antidepressants trying to meet my grandma's needs, and she didn't even live in very close proximity.

@smallereveryday can I ask, of the thousands of elderly people you saw, how many of them were living in "not much more than a garden office" in their offspring's gardens?

I'm not trying to be snarky. Most of us don't have that wider experience and I think it could be genuinely helpful to OP.

My experience falls more on cptartapp's side. My dad's mum moved into an annexe on our house and my mum found it enormously stressful for most of the 17 years it lasted. She really bore the brunt of it despite working FT and it not being her mum.

The perspective I am writing from with regard to quality of life is the older persons. I was a visiting officer and my business was with them not the family per se except when there was an appointee or power of attorney.

The greatest and most terrible affliction for a huge percentage of those I saw was loneliness. Especially after being widowed.

If the other family members I saw, the main householder tended to be the blood relative (son for his mother or daughter for her mother and they all seemed really happy about the set up . Mostly grateful for the huge amount of time saved 'going to visit' and the peace of mind that their mum or dad could be easily checked on.

I guess if you are the sort of person to hate your mother in law - then having her live next to you is not going to improve matters.

I saw all kind of arrangement from converted garden sheds and static caravans to bespoke annexes the full gamut really.

Interestingly I never met a single 'annexer' who wanted to change the set up.

I think a huge amount depends on the nature of the people involved.

My DM wouldn't come in to 'our space' (divided via laundry) without knocking the door. She was very respectful of our boundaries, and a genuinely loving and giving person. Of course, as she got older and less able, I spent more time with her in the evening, keeping her company. A key part of it working was DH, who loved her, and was golden with her.

It has recently been suggested that MIL - with dementia - comes to live with us, as the facility is there. DH has said categorically 'no'. His family view us as being very unfair, but fail to see that it worked with Mum because she was pretty fit for the first 10 years she was with us - often cooked for us, and had an active social life. MIL is not a nice person, and her illness makes it worse. We are also at a different stage in our life, where we will be retiring and possibly moving ourselves, so selfishly it's 'our' time.

I have seen this work so successfully, but can also see how it could be a disaster.

Please bear in mind that in the case of any dementia - which is only ever going to get worse - a granny annexe can become unsustainable, because the person will never be able to remember that they are supposed to stay in their own space much of the time...

They will be unable to remember e.g. that they must not wake you at 2 am because they no longer have any sense of time, and for the 47th time they are unable to remember how to work the TV remote, or the heating is not working - because for the umpteenth time they have switched everything off - and your written reminders not to do so have proved useless.

And/or they are constantly anxious or frightened of things they can't even name, and can no longer be left alone at all.

I could go on - and believe me I do not say any of this lightly.

If for such reasons 24/7 care in a care home became necessary, and there were not enough funds to pay for it, the annexe would very likely be seen as 'deprivation of assets' - I.e. from the council's POV, whether this was ever the intention or not, her own funds have been used to make a valuable addition to your own home.

If there would be enough money for care home fees this would of course not be an issue.

Sheltered or extra-care housing might be an alternative, but this may well not work out if there is any mental frailty beyond the very earliy stages.

"I guess if you are the sort of person to hate your mother in law - then having her live next to you is not going to improve matters."

That is is a really disrespectful way to refer to people who do countless hours of caring for extended family, often to the detriment of their own mental health. This image of all these people skipping around gaily being thankful that their mother is on the doorstep so that they can be on hand for every loo break, every shopping trip, every bed change is so far from the reality my mother experienced. I don't think that she was unusual in that, and I don't think it was purely her problem because she is "the sort of person who is going to hate her MIL".

Living with relatives from a different generation tends to be tricky. How many of us, as fully grown adults, choose to stay in the family home? We tend to move out, and everyone's happier for it. Having a parent move in with you because they have higher needs brings many of the pressures you'd have moving in with your parents as an adult, plus the caring on top. It is tough. I grant you, I might not say any or all of this to the person coming to check up on my MIL. I'd be much more likely to say "yes, she's happy, we're all fine, have another biscuit."

Interestingly there is another thread going on at the moment where the DIL is really struggling as the widowed MiL has moved in.

Whatever you do don't be giving your brother any money upfront now. Your Mum might need a care home in later life and they will get that money back from him. She cant just give him a big lump sum and then get the state to fund her.
I'd keep her in her own home and get her extra support in now to help her.Also I'd tell your brother he needs to step up as well.

You sound like my SIL Boysey! As an adult, it is up to the OP's brother to decide what he is willing and able to give. Without knowing the whole picture, he might not wish/be able to 'step up'.