Bought a house that’s too big

[Gogsie4]

I grew up in a two up two down in a place where neighbours were always about and everyone knew each other.

As a grown up I bought a semi detached house with much the same neighbourly vibe. Neighbours adored our children etc. Always someone to say hi to.

Now, my partners business has become successful and we’ve just moved into a massive detached house in its own grounds with the nearest neighbour being in theirs. This would never be my kind of living but we viewed the house 2 days after I lost my mum and I was numb and just said let’s go for it. It was like admiring a pretty dress on someone and not trying it on only to realise that it doesn’t suit you afterwards.

Has anybody else felt more comfortable in a smaller home and do we actually need all this space just because we’ve got children? If I’m not happy here does that count for anything?

If you didn’t find the support or answers you needed in the first thread, you probably won’t find it in this one either. It sounds like you’re really unhappy and need to discuss this with your partner. Perhaps some counseling could help you sort out your feelings or give you the confidence to make the move. I’m sorry that you didn’t find the other thread more helpful. Wishing you future happiness, whether in his house or another.

Thanks for the reply Kismet. I wrote the other thread while I was overcome with emotion and now I’ve calmed down I can see that no matter what I’m never going to fit in this house. I just want to know whether other people have also just felt more at home in somewhere smaller.

I think we’re always hearing about wanting bigger and better and I’m realising that that premise might not actually be right for everyone?

I do understand how you feel @Gogsie4 I have similar issues and guilt

Why don't you consider renting for a while. Somewhere within walking distance of your DCs school, near their after school activities and so on. Near enough to things you like to do, like gym, shops etc. Somewhere you can walk, bump into people and feel part of things. Ditto for your DH.

It will be self financing if you then rent out your house.

It sounds like the whole urban/rural debate in another guise. Some people like space and distance, others don't. Teenagers in particular often like the independence of being able to call in on friends or get to a sports club on their own.

Being well-off does not mean you need to show your wealth off. Just that you have choices.

MissCherryBakeyBun I’m sorry to hear that. How are you getting on?

We live in a house that is too big for us - 2 small children and 6 bedrooms over 4 floors with 3 reception rooms, family room/kitchen, garden room, utility etc and 2 big attics.
It isn't in land - just a big back and front garden on a private road. We knew it was too big when we bought it but PIL lived in Yorkshire then -they live near us now- and came to stay bringing grandma. We do use a lot of it, we have sort of spread out. DH has a bedroom as a study. I have an attic as a sewing room. He has a pool table in the other attic.
The children have one of the reception rooms as a play room. One of the smaller bedrooms next to ours is a dressing room. As the children grow up they can have a space for them and their friends.
We just love the house and I think that is the point. It will always need work to maintain it, it's old. We are gradually decorating it to suit us. I grew up in a tiny council house and I love having space and privacy. I lve makng curtains and blinds and cushions and throws and thnkng about how it will all look. I have discovered I love gardening and the children love the space and can play as noisily as they like.
But if you are not happy and don't use the space what is the point?

We used to have an enormous house. We all miss it, but need to live somewhere else for work. I loved being able to accommodate who ever wanted to come and stay/eat/play.

I think you need to get some grief counselling. Your anxiety over your mum's death is causing you to fixate on your house as the cause of your unhappiness. You're projecting your happiness into the future on an idealised smaller house. Having gone through the same thing myself I think you're just trying to distract yourself from your real pain. It's hard to not obsess but maybe time to get professional help.

Your house is too big - truly, my heart bleeds for you 🙄

@Gogsie4 It's difficult I lived in my old home for 20 years and it was my real home on a dodgy Council estate with all sorts of unacceptable behaviour and violent crime around but it was home. Now live in a much larger house and moving again soon and it all feels so alien to actually own a house and to be able to choose things and to have more than the 2 rooms and the bathroom downstairs. I'm working at making it feel more like home by decorating it how I want it to be not how is fashionable or expected, I want to have a place where I can be me. Maybe take one room at a time and put your own stamp on it? Start with the bedroom as this can be a sanctuary when things feel shit

And ignore all the passive aggressive fuckwits on here who are commenting about their heart bleeding for you etc. It takes hard work and love and determination to climb out of situations like this.
Sending hugs

I didn't see your other thread and am going off what you put in your OP, but to me it sounds like your house is too big for you and you would be happier in a smaller one. And that's ok!

You certainly don't sound like you're bragging about anything. I'm not seeing a "my diamond shoes are too tight and my wallet is too small for my fifties" sitch here at all.

I'm sorry about your Mum . Perhaps you do need some grief counselling for that but I don't think it would change how you feel about your house.

I think you will grow into it. Our DC are 20 and 23 now. As uours grow and bring home partners, etc, you will appreciate the extra space. Two under fives, and Christmas visitors is one thing; two teenagers bigger than the grown ups and partners is another. When homework comes a quiet, separate space will be welcome. We happily filled our old house. Big Victorian London job as the eldest hit 11 with room for an au-pair.

DH was from humble roots but got used to it and I'm sure you will too.

There's nothing wrong with a wobble but I think you are fixating on hour happy past and may need to move on a little. Perhaps with the help of some counselling.

Apart from the fear of change and a different journey from your childhood, do you like the house?

Just from this thread it seems like DH wanted a status symbol rather than a home.

I saw your other thread and thought it was probably due to your feelings about your mum

tbh even if you find it hard living in a large space, I would give it a try for a least a couple of years. The price will go up, you never know when you might need it and you might start to like it.

I think moving can be very unsettling for some people and I would just think of that way.

My elderly parents had a phase of wanting to downsize and didn't use 2 rooms, but it was only a phase and now they are very glad they didn't do it. No rash decisions, I think is the key.

I should probably add, massive detached house with own grounds is not only the dream of my life but wish not only could I have raised DC there, but to have been raised in such a place myself as a child sounds marvellous. What do your DC think of it?

Airlinefoodisanoxymoron you are missing the point entirely and not helpful whatsoever.

Gogsie you took the words right out of my mouth

We dreamt of a big house in the hills from the day we married, achieved it eventually, it was falling down but a lot of time money and builders we got what we wanted. The children loved it. After twenty years, we realised it was way too big and had become a weight around our necks, so sold up and downsized. We all have different needs mine are to be near civilization now. It took me quite some time to convince OH he kept having wobbles about leaving it all behind. The children who were grown and married were not keen either they saw grand children enjoying it. But we would have needed to spend another fortune on it so no thanks.

I didn’t see your other thread but I HATE HATE HATE this terraced two up and two down crowded feel in this country. I grew up in a place where there aren’t any semi detached - it’s either flats, townhouses or detached. And where I lived, every detached house had at least half an acre around it. Still had friends as a kid, neighbours all knew each other and actually watched out for strangers around your place more, etc. I miss the space to play, to explore, just space!!! So claustrophobic.

A few years ago we moved to a house that was too big for us. It was beautiful but impractical. We had 140 stairs over two staircases!!

My youngest DD hated going to bed as she felt a million miles from the rest of the family whilst we were still in the living areas.

It cost us a fortune to heat and maintain.

I didn't have any of the issues you gave around grief - it just didn't occur to me that
A home could be too big.

We're still in a 5 bed detached - so clearly I got used to some space but I'm glad we scaled back

@WonderfulWonders

that sounds like a palace!

I sympathise. But you do need to not have a knee jerk panic and start selling up. Give it say 5 years and decide to make a plan after that maybe?

I grew up in an enormous house and it was a heavenly place to grow up. So much space and it was always possible to find peace and quiet, or somewhere to play. And it was fantastic for having friends round as we got older!

i’ve Spent time in tiny houses as an adult and found it a struggle; now in a 3 bed semi and it’s my perfect house. But with four children we need to get a bigger house and I feel so sad to be leaving this one. I’m worried I will rattle around in a 5 bed and it won’t feel as cosy. But i think the key is to create some cosy family spaces where everyone congregates.

I'm with you op. Huge houses freak me out. I dream of tiny and cosy, meanwhile we live in a medium sized house due to children.

Thanks everyone and I take all your points on board. Somebody asked me if I actually like the house and I don’t in all honesty. I feel apart from the kids and I can’t sleep soundly due to feeling they are out of my earshot.

I’m not saying having a bedroom each for the children isn’t great, it is, but we could’ve had that but not on such a grand scale. I’m dealing with my mum, I could cope with that if I didn’t feel displaced on top of that. My friend said exactly what I’d been thinking myself in that I’d have been a lot happier if the house was large on the inside but didn’t appear to be from the outside. That the bedrooms were closer and the house less sprawling. My DH has said that he’ll do anything to make me happy but we’ve got to give it a chance. I told him if I feel like this in a year I wouldn’t be able to cope with it. I’m dreading the kids being at school tomorrow because I’ll be here alone. Normally I can’t wait to be home alone. I’ll give it a chance but I think I’ll still feel alien in months to come x

I think you've lost everything familiar to you do although you could have viewed this as a new start, you are looking for the comfort of the familiar. The death of a loved one and moving house are two of the most stressful live events - it's not surprising you don't feel settled.

Do consider counselling - it really can help.