Bought a house that’s too big

[Gogsie4]

I grew up in a two up two down in a place where neighbours were always about and everyone knew each other.

As a grown up I bought a semi detached house with much the same neighbourly vibe. Neighbours adored our children etc. Always someone to say hi to.

Now, my partners business has become successful and we’ve just moved into a massive detached house in its own grounds with the nearest neighbour being in theirs. This would never be my kind of living but we viewed the house 2 days after I lost my mum and I was numb and just said let’s go for it. It was like admiring a pretty dress on someone and not trying it on only to realise that it doesn’t suit you afterwards.

Has anybody else felt more comfortable in a smaller home and do we actually need all this space just because we’ve got children? If I’m not happy here does that count for anything?

Oh OP first Hugs
I lost my mum too some years ago.
I too have been in your position.
We married 20 years ago and had a beautiful house.
Then we moved - Twice!
Each time bigger.
Each time I hated it.
Each time I felt I rattled around in it.
I missed the previous 'perfect house '.
But room by room I put my stamp on it. Changing the colours that made the house cosy and inviting.
My husband like yours was happy to make it just right.
It wasn't easy but each little change made it was not Just a house but a home.

AndI then day you realise you are in love with your house.
Moving house is one of the most stressful things we do.
Death and divorce are the only thing higher on the list.
It takes at least a year for things to settle down - and you've got both.
So like someone early said make a room , probably your bedroom you have you like it.
It took me 5 years to get my bedroom right. In the end I put the bed on s different wall.
I loved it now.
I think my mum would have loved this house and the beautiful garden.
Just be kind to yourself and one day at a time x

FWIW, I loved growing up in a big house. When we got older, I could spend time with my friends in a totally different part of the house and it didn't matter if we were loud or stayed up late, we wouldn't have woken up my parents.

They grew up in very modest conditions but loved the house and still live in it today. I have so many great memories of playing outside, having huge parties both inside and out. It sometimes makes me sad that if I did have a child, I'd be raising them in a small house on very little land. I know it's different in the UK and to some extent you like what you're used to. But I miss all of that space. We always had people over and the house was so full of life.

To answer the OP, it does matter if you're not happy. The needs of each member of the family matter. I can't tell you what those needs are, but it does sound like your mind is made up.

I’ll give it a chance but I think I’ll still feel alien in months to come

Sorry to get all psychological on you, but that is fortune telling and catastrophising thinking. Have you ever done CBT? It sounds like you could really use some counselling support to help you work out your feelings on all this.

FWIW I grew up in a 4 bed 3 reception detached with just 1 sibling, huge garden. It didn’t stop us knowing our neighbours and being part of the community. It did mean we had space to ourselves. It’s slightly depressing now I’m an adult myself, and don’t think I’ll ever be able to afford a similar place due to house price rises and moving south, despite being a very well paid professional. But I have learned that a house is just a building, home is what you make it.

OP I really feel for you! You are in such a tough position!
In your first post it struck me that you talked about neighbours quite a bit, it's going to be hard to start making those strong relationships locally if you are thinking yourself away. For this year of giving it a go, I think you are going to have to REALLY give it a go- and it sounds to me that making friends is an important part of that.

We did but not quite on such a grand scale. We went from a 2 up 2 down to a house more than double the size.
I spent the first 6weeks living in the kitchen. But it's surprising how quickly we grew into the house. 10 years later it's starting to feel a bit small.
It takes time.

Sorry to hear about your Mum

My Mum died just before we moved house and I was numb for a good 6 months afterwards. Because of that I have flooring that I don't particularly like in a large part of the house meaning it would take a lot of effort and money to replace it. Ooops.

But you have to change your thinking.

Instead of dwelling on the negatives, you have to look for the positives. Every time you feel that negative thought flip it to a good one. Many years ago I read something about this which was along the lines of complaining that you got the last car parking space the furthest away from the shop door but at least your legs worked enough to walk that distance. Or bloody hell the gas bill is massive this winter, but at least we have a roof over our heads and the house is warm. It stuck with me.

So instead of this house is huge, how about my children have a room each which they can decorate without compromising their taste for a sibling. (I shared and although ok, we had very different tastes.)

Be grateful you have never experienced neighbours from hell and that yours have all been positive. Have a look at GardenLaw website forum and see just how bad it could get. In this house you don't have the possibility of that.

I also agree with PPs suggesting counselling.

Give it a chance. I do love space, and would happily live in a house 2 or 3 times the size of mine!

Think about the positive: You have complete freedom, which you don't have in a semi. You can do whatever noise indoors at whatever time you like, even stupid things like laundry and hoovering, having the music on throughout the house instead of wearing headphones constantly. It's bliss.
You are not suffering from neighbours noise. You might think about lovely neighbours in a semi, but people move, and their replacement could be neighbours from hell, it really doesn't take much.

Space! You can buy the furniture you like, instead of measuring and squeezing what you need in the small available space.

Storage! your house will be tidy! It takes so much less time to clean a bigger house where you just wizz the hoover round than a small one where you have to move everything around.

Time! Big house means you don't need to store half your wardrobe in the loft, you can have everything accessible in a designated room.

The important thing is to make the house your home. The neighborhood vibe can exist everywhere, but so can neighbours from hell. Just be careful not to have a lovely picture in your head, but in real life one family would be enough to bring the neighborhood in tears.

I think this is such a personal thing.

I can see the points made about having lots of space, growing into it as a family etc etc. I grew up in a massive sprawling house, and had very successful rellys in bigger ones. It had advantages and disadvantages. It takes money and effort to maintain. We knew our neighbours and were in and out of their houses to some extent. My rellys who lived more rurally in a much bigger house weren't able to do that in quite the same way though did have community.

I currently live with kids in a terrace. They are in and out of neighbours. We live in a cul de sac which also fosters that. I recognise the changing needs as the kids get older, bigger, have partners etc. I think I can meet all that in a large semi, and will look to that. Even if we can afford a massive detached I don't think I want it. I'd rather also have a flat somewhere else etc etc. You don't need to spend to your theoretical limits. I agree that you need to look at what you want/need, and that this might be different to the societal vision.

not quite the same but we could afford a much bigger house and looked twice at buying bigger houses. last time we moved we decided that actually a more modest home was more us. we are not very status driven

having a bigger house has nothing to do with status, you are confusing size and style.

My DH always wants big houses and I prefer smaller ones with more character. Could you maybe just live in part of the house for now. Would it help to decorate a few rooms to your taste, maybe add reminders of your Mum. I would give it a while, don't think its good to make quick decisions though am I very impulsive.

Are you scared of the house? I ask because you said you were dreading being alone in it but usually love being alone? I don't mean in a spooky sense.

When I was growing up in our 2 bed council house, I felt really safe and comfortable- nothing was more than a few feet away. My parents were literally 6 ft along the landing.

Same when DH and I lived in our terraced house and then our 1930s semi-which was much bigger but not really big.

When we moved here it was a very odd feeling to be by myself. If I was in the kitchen, I would think about the 3 empty floors above me. It felt too much in terms of me vs house - the house felt overwhelming. I wasn't scared as such, just felt .....I am not making a good job of describing this......a bit lonely and small. Then DS would come back from his morning at nursery and I would be busy and forget.

It took me a good few months to feel I was the boss and not the house, if you see what I mean. I probably sound mad. I haven't described it well. I loved the house and it has never felt scarey, just a bit overwhelming at first. I had to grow into it.

Even DH felt it. One night he was upstairs in his attic setting up his dart board, fridge and pool table and polishing his dominoes and when he came down, he commented on how lonely it was and how he couldn't hear us. He's glad to get up there now and get a bit of peace.

LukuJakey1 I could’ve wrote your post and I understand it perfectly. This is how I feel. I too love the close proximity of the kids etc, hearing them play, shouting ‘teatime’ from wherever I am and them all come running. Here I have to actively track them down and as beautiful as it is/could be it just really isn’t me. DH has had to tell me to give it a chance which I will but my gut feelings are usually never wrong so I will see how I feel again in a few months.

My mother-in-law summed it up when she said about us viewing the place and even me saying I wanted it that is was more a case of admiring a beautiful dress on someone and buying it for yourself only to realise that as pretty as it is it just doesn’t suit you x

If it doesn't feel right and like your house that you want to go home to, I think you will know for definite. Trust your gut feelings. You might feel happier in a big house in a different place, perhaps not quite as big.

Ours is a 1910-20 semi on a private cul de sac/road of 6 surrounded by large gardens, a park and bridleway/allotments. All the houses are 4 floors and very large. The fact that it is on a road with the other 5 houses keeps it in a community. I don't think I could live somewhere I felt isolated.

I could live somewhere like you LukuJakey1 it sounds like somewhere I’d fit in more. Because although your house is large it doesn’t look sprawling from the outside and it’s still in a street where’s I’m off a main road but away from anyone or anything. I do know already that this is never going to be my retreat. It’s too large and too much for me. Not to mention too flashy for me as I’m a simple girl really. X

Me too. I am not one for flashy anything.