Really hating my new house- help!

[Gogsie4]

Hi everyone,
Long story short- i moved house last Friday to a house I was really excited about and I haven’t stopped crying since. I feel like a fish out of water. It’s absolutely huge compared to what I’ve ever been used to and I don’t fit in. I grew up on a council estate and I’m proud of that and I’ve owened house before but they have been non flashy nice little places but this is detached and imposing. My partner was able to secure the gigantic mortgage because of his business but other than that we are modest people.

You should know that at the time of viewing my mum hadn’t even been buried. After a long illness I was so happy that I hadn’t bottled it like I imagined I would that I was kind of open to anything and had a ‘let’s go for it’ attitude. I never actually thought about whether this house was somewhere I could feel comfortable living. I’m the type of person that couldn’t wear designer clothes even if House of Fraser gave them for free, because that’s not who I am.

I realise that this has probably brought on some kind of delayed grief and it’s floored me. But I can’t say I’m sat crying about my mum as such- it’s just a feeling of desperation that I’ve made a mistake moving here and it’s all consuming. The dr gave me propranolol to calm my stomach because I can’t eat. I dread people coming to the house for the first time because they can’t believe how big it is etc and it makes me feel ill.

The big problem is that my partner loves this place. I would feel guilty asking him to move as he’s worked so hard to raise stamp duty etc. I know that I should give it time etc but has anyone else ever felt this bad about where they live? I shouldn’t because it’s lovely, in a lovely area and next door to the high school the kids want to go to. But I just feel a desperate need to be in a more modest home where I feel myself x

Ah, you poor thing.

Could it possibly be that without your mum you just don’t feel like things are in any way normal, then coupled with a new big house it’s thrown you out even more?

I’m sure it’s quire normal to feel this way. You’ve been through two massive life changes. X x

First of all, sorry to hear that things have been awful. You’ve had a lot to deal with.

In terms of the house - that does not define you. You are you, not the house you live in.

Moving to a new house is unsettling at the best of times and it takes a long time to adjust. I would take it slowly. Maybe start with your bedrooms and living room. Make them right for you.

Be kind to yourself and keep speaking to the doctor and friends as this will help.

Thank you both for your kind replies and in my rational head I agree with everything you both say but when this anxiety takes over all I can focus on is how bad I feel in this house. I will like you say though and do one room at a time. Problem is I have no interest at all to do it which isn’t like me at all x

Give it time Googsie you are grieving, even without losing your mother, moving house is so traumatic. Just concentrate on being kind to yourself, and take it a day at a time

Thank you I appreciate your reply. I know that it’s really the feelings I’m having since being in the house is what I really hate but also there is a genuine regret over the size etc as I’m just not that person. But hopefully when my mind clears I can deal with that xx

It isn't the house itself of course. It is delayed grief which is entirely understandable.

I'll bet you've been mad busy with your mum's death and the house move and now there is less to do, your emotions are finally catching up with the rest of you. That's perfectly normal.

I had a wobble moving here because I kept thinking that my mum would never see it. And I didn't want to be in any place that my mum would never see. I found just the thought of it devastating.

Give yourself some time. One day at a time. Try to enjoy the garden if the house is too much at the moment. Maybe think about planting something in memorial to your mum (not at the moment, but in autumn). You can gather ideas or sketch out a plan now though.

Moving house is so stressful, even to somewhere you love. When I got my first flat my dad said, Don't be surprised if you hate it for a while and think you've made a terrible mistake. that's normal.' If he'd not said it, I would have worried, but it was quite reassuring.

You've had two major life upheavals in one go - the loss of your mum and moving to a very different type of house. Maybe (because our subconsciouses are bonkers) part of you feels you've betrayed her, as in, she's gone now and so is the modest life she brought you up to. Rejecting the hous ecould be a way of feeling close to her, wanting her back and the less flashy life you lived with her.

But there's no rule that says you have ot live flashily in a big house. Think of how to use the space. When you feel up to it, focus on one room at a time and create zones that the family can inhabit to do things they love. That way, you're not rattling around in a house that's unneccessary.

We bought a big house because our -n-laws were supposed ot be moving in wiht us then got ill and didn't. But we use every room. We have a living room with TV for film nights with pizza, to do gaming and generally mooch around. It's quite scruffy. Then we have a more elegant living room with open fire for socialising, quietly reading, and generally getting away from screens. One of the too-many bedrooms used to be the playroom and is now a music room with keyboards and guitars as both DC are musical. You could make one into a gym area for the family to keep fit (that would be a great thing to do) or a craft room if your DC ;love sewing or painting or model making, so the clutter is kept in one place. Or a playroom if they're still young.
A study is a good idea - all important documents in one place, and a quiet area to sort out bills and anything relating to work.

Try to make each corner of the house not just your own in some way, but a space that invites the DC and your DH in. When the entire house is in use it definitely starts to feel like you belong there. You'll wake up one day to hear music drifting form one room, smell cooking in another, hear gaming in a third room, and you'll feel glad that you allowed yourself and your family such a lovely place to live.

And wear what you like. You odn't have to answer to anyone. The richest people I know wander round in wellies and scuffed jeans.

I agree with all PPs. You need time. Concentrate on dealing with your grief as this is the issue here. Perhaps make just one of the rooms a 'you' space with all of your treasured possessions in it?

I moved just over 4 weeks ago. We moved counties, so a major move and my Dad died on moving day. I too am devastated that he will never see the house, he was so excited about us moving to be nearer to him in his twilight years. It has affected how I feel about the house/area/leaving my friends etc. Luckily, I love the house but I am struggling with finding my normal equilibrium. It all just takes time.

I wish you all the best. I am sure it will be fine

I don't think a person is defined by their space. I think you've attached part of your identify to your house at the same time your mothers died. Basically you've got too many moving pieces and it all feels new and unsafe. How would your mother have viewed the house? Happy for you? Judgemental? Just be kind and gentle to yourself and ignore the house itself for now. As you feel more steady and the grief/panic passes you'll find you're energy extends outward to fill the space and it won't feel so strange. You're not in an emotional space that lets you nest. You just need some peace.

Sorry for your loss OP, and for yours takemetomars

I didn't have something awful like the death of a parent to contend with but I did absolutely hate our new house when we moved in. I cried several times, we looked into the likelihood of being able to sell it after 6 months and decided we would be OK with taking a financial hit to a certain extent.

We've done quite a lot of work to the house on the basis that if we couldn't shift it we needed the work done to be able to live here until we can sell it, and it would make it more saleable if it did go on the market. Slowly, it's become ours, and we've settled in. It still isn't the perfect home I thought it would be when we offered on it but it's so much better. We should be able to live here for a while, hopefully long enough not to lose out financially, and possibly even to make a small profit after some of the work (subject to falling house prices and brexit of course!).

There is hope. Start making it your own, it will help. It felt overwhelming for us, I hated it so much I couldn't summon the energy to do anything to it, but we got there in the end.

I wish that I had been on Mumsnet when I first moved to the house I am in now as I hated it. But I'm still here now 15 years on.
Let me start by saying that it isn't going to be a quick fix but you will grow to feel settled and my suggestion is that you act like you like it now if possible - the reason that I say this is because I told everyone I wasn't happy and then when I saw glimmers of light, everyone would just assume I was desperate and I just think I made it harder for me to grow to be happier iyswim?
Next suggestion is don't look back, concentrate on the things you have now that make you feel happy. Be kind to yourself and make your new house feel like a place that is a haven for you. I gave my house a 'personality' and told myself that it wasn't the house's fault that I wasn't happy!!!! - yes bonkers, but it worked for me.
Give yourself time. My whole body felt disorientated when I moved and it took quite a long time to feel spatially normal. Try to get out and about locally and get to know what you like about your new area (ignore the bits you don't like).
I hope you feel more settled soon. Best wishes.

Another voice to try and reassure you that it is entirely understandable, you have had a lot to deal with and should cut yourself some slack. Have you anyone to talk to in real life, or have you been the one that everyone relies on?

I would encourage you to find one space in the house that is a haven. Put some familiar things in it. Then try sitting still , with a pad of paper and pen handy, and just try writing down whatever comes into your mind. Other people find this helpful first thing in the morning, to have a pad and pen by the bed and just write. Don't think or questions what to write, don't force it, just wait and see what comes out.

In time, you will grieve for your parent, and what what you have lost and be able to separate the new house from your own self. As PP have already said, your house does not define you. All the best.

I hair the house I am loving it at the moment. It really does make me miserable. I just have firmed a habit of going out as much as possible. It may be helpful to just sheen's as little time as possible there while you get used to it.

My current house was huge when we moved in. I was a foster carer and desperately needed the space. I had six kids at the time. I was still embarrassed about the house though. I don't give it a second thought now, even though the DCs moved on and there is only 2 or 4 of us now, depending on uni terms.

Pick one room to be your favourite. Make it yours with colour, plants, radio, candles, pictures- whatever floats your boat! Use it for everything.

Maybe do the children's rooms then- they can do the imaginative bit making it homely for themselves.

Next your bedroom. Are you a fairy light person? Cushion on the bed, maybe a rug and some pictures.

I love cooking, so I sit at a table in the kitchen to do my admin type chores, read a book etc. It's my favourite room.

Claim the house one room at a time, and ignore the rest.

Do look after yourself! You've had a very stressful time. Try and build some you time into your day, maybe a cuppa and a magazine, or a bit of sunbathing.

Eventually you will feel comfortable again.

You've had a massive amount of change to process. I'm sorry about your mum.

We moved about 6 weeks ago and I'm only just starting to feel at home, and the kids are just starting to properly settle at school. I now know my neighbours names and they seem nice enough folk.

It takes time. I found redecorating my bedroom quite therapeutic. I think as I go through the house making it how we want it I'll feel more and more settled.

I also went back to my old street because my daughter had a girls birthday sleepover there. It brought home that I liked my old neighbours but I was surprised I didn't feel much at seeing my old house.

I think it's really common to get post move blues for a week or two, not helped by how stressful the whole movie process is in this country.

Thank you everyone. This is the first forum I’ve been in and I can’t believe that people care enough to allay a strangers fears and offer comfort xx

Picklemepopcorn that’s exactly how I feel about the house- embarrassed. It’s not a case of not feeling deserving etc it’s just too grand for me. I live in Manchester so you get much more for your money here so to me this is a real step up the ladder. But not one I would’ve chosen to take had I been in the right mind when we viewed it. If I could show you a picture I would but I don’t think I know how to x

You've had a lot going on and sound like you are having a bit of a crisis. Go easy on yourself and let yourself feel whatever you need to. I'm sure much of it is suppressed grief.

Remember a house is just a place where you keep your stuff. It doesn't define you as a person. I have friends with huge houses and friends with tiny flats. I don't think of them any differently and when I go to see them the space they are in doesn't matter!

Very sorry about your mum.

Is part of your worry financial? You mention the mortgage being “gigantic”: I would be anxious about that.

I was and many years on remain embarrassed by the size of our house, and other aspects of our wealthy lifestyle, I worry that old friends will find it flashy and materialistic. But it’s also very enjoyable to live in!

Loopytiles the worry isn’t financial really as the hard part was securing the mortgage but the repayment isn’t too bad. The main worry, aside from this grief that has enveloped me all of a sudden, is that I am indeed embarrassed about the house and don’t feel like my authentic self x

In my case having thought about it over a long period of time I realised that my primary concern was what others thought, also fear that I was somehow “tempting fate” by having too much.

One of my parents is very frugal and judges others who are not, often says things like “you don’t need that” when people suggest buying ANYTHING! Didn’t have much money growing up and there was a strong attitude from that parent that consumption - of goods or experiences, eg travel - was bad.

DH’s family is the opposite!

I also worry about the DC living in a bubble, although not enough to leave the bubble! Recently one of my DC made an unfortunate comment revealing an assumption that everyone had a large home, we were with an old friend who was .

Suggest being honest with your DH.

A big house does feel intimidating to start with, even without grief to deal with. But with a bit of time you do just get used to it, you really do. It just takes time to adapt to a new space.

This is probably the hardest point for you and . Things will get better and better from here. They will probably get better even faster if you can go to counselling for your grief.

Why not carve out a room for yourself? Make it however you want like a little sitting room and make it cosy with lots of familiar things in. That way you have a place to retreat to when feeling a little overwhelmed and you have somewhere to go and relax with your thoughts and have some quiet time to think. This may make you feel a bit more secure and like you have a sanctuary.

Thank you so much for your reply xx

Yes, to all the advice above. Change can be so unsettling but when your reserves of resilience are low anyway it can feel like an impossible situation. I hated my house when I moved in, I was the winning bidder at an auction and It was my escape from an abusive relationship so it should have felt like winning the lottery but instead I sat in an empty cottage and sobbed about what an awful mistake I had made. But you will gradually adjust and grow to be comfortable and as you personalise it you will start to feel like you belong. Good luck and hugs.