Really hating my new house- help!

[Gogsie4]

Hi everyone,
Long story short- i moved house last Friday to a house I was really excited about and I haven’t stopped crying since. I feel like a fish out of water. It’s absolutely huge compared to what I’ve ever been used to and I don’t fit in. I grew up on a council estate and I’m proud of that and I’ve owened house before but they have been non flashy nice little places but this is detached and imposing. My partner was able to secure the gigantic mortgage because of his business but other than that we are modest people.

You should know that at the time of viewing my mum hadn’t even been buried. After a long illness I was so happy that I hadn’t bottled it like I imagined I would that I was kind of open to anything and had a ‘let’s go for it’ attitude. I never actually thought about whether this house was somewhere I could feel comfortable living. I’m the type of person that couldn’t wear designer clothes even if House of Fraser gave them for free, because that’s not who I am.

I realise that this has probably brought on some kind of delayed grief and it’s floored me. But I can’t say I’m sat crying about my mum as such- it’s just a feeling of desperation that I’ve made a mistake moving here and it’s all consuming. The dr gave me propranolol to calm my stomach because I can’t eat. I dread people coming to the house for the first time because they can’t believe how big it is etc and it makes me feel ill.

The big problem is that my partner loves this place. I would feel guilty asking him to move as he’s worked so hard to raise stamp duty etc. I know that I should give it time etc but has anyone else ever felt this bad about where they live? I shouldn’t because it’s lovely, in a lovely area and next door to the high school the kids want to go to. But I just feel a desperate need to be in a more modest home where I feel myself x

Do you own the house? It may be contributing to your feelings if it's not actually your house but your partners.

If the size and scale is overwhelming - then just bring it back down to your size with personal details - prioritise and focus on a few key areas that you make homely - maybe kitchen table with fresh flowers on, comfy sofa in a snug -- get these areas comfy and enjoy them.

You will grow in to the rest of the space over time.

Maybe try to let you children and DH be excited and enjoy it.

I do think though it is all about the very sad loss of your Mum. Maybe it feels 'empty" because she is not here. Maybe it feels disingenuous to be "happy" at this time - especially around something materialistic. You dont have to be happy now about anything. I was absolutely floored when my relatively young Mum died very suddenly - I was not able to even smile for about 6 months. It takes time to grieve - its not a race - its honourable to take time to do this and it is physically and emotionally exhausting. I hope that you can find / create a comfy corner to soothe your pain in your new home. Take care xxxx

I’m so sorry that you feel like this. I can’t pretend to understand your loss, but please accept my condolences.

I’ve struggled with our house. On one hand it’s a decentl large house for just the two of us, miles better than what we lived in when I first moved in with my husband.

On the other hand, I find houses here so small and cramped. I hate that everyone is on top of each other, there’s no storage, cars everywhere, etc. Sometimes I love our house and sometimes I just want to cry. Often when I’m struggling to find a place to put something basic like coats or a hoover away somewhere!

Others have given you good advice. I’d just suggest being kind to yourself and not forcing anything. You don’t have to fall in love with it overnight. Maybe promise yourself that you will try to think about the positives along with the negatives. In time your feelings will settle somewhere and you’ll find out if you really need to move. In the meantime, just try to get through it and find happiness where you can.

Wishing you all the best!

it's likely nothing to do with the house
You really need some familiarity and things to stay the same and comforting right now.
Is there anywhere you can go that you know that will comfort you xx

Agree you are transferring other emotional issues onto the house. All too much at once, give it time.

Branleuse my safe haven when my mum was poorly was my old home which was cosy and familiar so that is what I am craving but of course I can’t go back there. I valued having a bolt hole and now I don’t. Thanks to everyone for their advice I’m absolutely touched by your kindness x

I agree with what what others have said.
If I were you I would cook a meal that she did maybe, or even use a candle or perfume she used?
Smell brings back memories well. You could snuggle in your new home and think of her.
Give yourself time to adjust to these life events and all the feelings.

I moved house almost 3 years ago, 6 months after my dad died. I didn't really want to move but my husband hated where we lived. We downsized, and the house we bought neede lots of work doing to it, which we had money to do from the sale of our old house. I was o unhappy when we moved! My girls, who live in their own places, gh we were mad to move. However, after upgrading the house, adding our own touches and making it beautiful, I now totally love it. So much that I get quite tearful when sitting out in the garden looking back towards the house.
Give it time. Xx

I felt exactly the same in our new house - my mother died unexpectedly the day before we moved. It took at least a year for me to even care about the house enough to decorate. It was grief. I was lost. Give it time.

BibiThree I am genuinely sorry to hear that. I can’t imagine how you even had the energy to make the move. I feel the same about decorating etc. How are you feeling now? X

It feels much more like home now. Small steps, you will get there, you just need to tackle one thing at a time and gradually you will feel a connection to the place. Hope you start to settle soon.

I am in a very similar situation- lost my mum and a couple of months ago I moved to my first bought house from a (rented) flat and area I loved and had lived in for 10 years. Everything has changed. Like you, I just want to go home. I’m telling myself that it’s actually the past I want to go back to, not the place IYSWIM. I’m waiting for my mum to pop round, play with the kids and tidy the tea towels and all the other little things she used to do. The fact that she’ll never see the house is really affecting how I feel about it.

It’s hard. Having nothing familiar around you when you’ve just felt your world shift on its axis is bound to knock you for six. I have no advice, but offering a hand hold

Big hugs. I agree totally with what Minapaws said, but would add that we moved to a big place (detached 5 bed victorian) and it doesn't take long to fill the space and get used to it. It felt very grand to start with, and I did feel a bit embarrassed (I think that's totally normal) but now just feels like home and the space is great.

If you've bought a 12 bedroom mansion with separate servants stairs, it might take a bit longer to feel at home, but I think families expand like gases to fill the space available and you'll still get used to it! ;)

I bet your mum would have been proud of you buying a really nice place.

OP I was you 2 years ago. Wasn't even that keen on my flat before I bought it but convinced myself I needed to be sensible as I was buying on my own and didn't have much of a budget. Hated it with a passion when I moved in. Started looking into selling straightaway. Of course, financially I couldn't do that. My fix has come to an end and instead of moving as I thought I would I'm going to be staying another year. Mainly because I have a very easy commute to work but also because I don't want to put myself through the stress of selling and finding a new place to buy when things have only just started to get back to normal.

I put the offer in a month before my mum died. Afterwards I had the estate agent chasing me constantly. I would get panic attacks the closer I got to exchange. When I think back on it now, it's madness that I went ahead with it but I guess that's grief - a kind of madness. For me, I looked at the house as this far off future where I would feel safe, secure, grown up. But then it became my present and I found out it just made everything much, much more stressful at a time when I was already so anxious and sad. They say you shouldn't make any big life changes after a bereavement. I wish I'd listened to this.

Anyway, my point is what you're feeling is normal. Even without having to deal with grief (google buyers remorse). You don't have to live there forever if you don't want to. You can sell whenever you want. But don't think about that now. Be kind to yourself. Focus on your grief, the house can wait. Big hugs xx

Everything has changed. Like you, I just want to go home. I’m telling myself that it’s actually the past I want to go back to, not the place IYSWIM. I’m waiting for my mum to pop round, play with the kids and tidy the tea towels and all the other little things she used to do.

Heartbreaking.

I think grief is almost like an out of body experience where you feel very physically dislocated, untethered and you question everything. I was living in the home I had been in for 10 years when my mother died - she lived a couple of miles away and my thought was to move and leave this area as she wasn't here anymore.

Maybe book a weekend away... So you can come home afterwards.
Find all the things you do like about your new home, and how you can have a room for visiting friends that is comfy and you can always keep it ready, while your real living room can be a bit messy so it feels like it is your private retreat at the end of a day.

Hello everybody, it’s been a long while since I last posted and I thought that now my head is clear that I would take the time to let you know how I got on. Firstly, reading back on these messages of comfort, support and advice with a calm mind has almost brought me to tears.

I think I asked another question based on the same thing so I hope the people in that thread might see this too.

Well, I had to wait until December before we could even think about moving and I honestly felt like I was serving a jail term, waiting it out. But just like everyone said, over time I came round. Yes the house is very big but now we’ve started to spread out It feels more like home.
I went to the drs as I had what they described as a kind of nervous breakdown brought on by all the stress I’d been under way before we moved. I think by the time we moved in I had reached breaking point in terms of exhaustion etc. I had been go go go since my mum had died and I now know I was just ‘busying’ myself and my mind. I started on Citalopram at 10mg soon increased to 20 and I began to feel like me again. Not without problems and stresses but back to a stage where I could rationally deal with things instead of feeling that the tiniest thing was the hugest.

In the grip of terrifying, all consuming anxiety I was just not dealing with all the changes and put all my focus into the house. The stupid house! It didn’t change me, I’m still the down to earth, non materialistic person I already was but I felt like people were thinking all sorts about me. That I’d changed. Of course I hadn’t but thats how the anxiety manifested itself in me.

But thankfully I’m on the mend. Thankyou all for being so understanding, you were just what I needed and unfortunately I wasn’t well enough to really take it all on board at the time. But where would I have been if I hadn’t had somewhere to ask for help? So thankyou all so much xxx

I'm so pleased you are starting to feel better!

When I saw this thread, I thought it was a new one but thought of you and how you were getting on @Gogsie4 Thank you for the update. I’m glad to hear you’re on the mend x

Great news. Well done

Thank you for posting your update - it's really good to see that you got some help and that things are improving for you.

Thank you posting the update, it’s really thoughtful of you to let people know that you’re doing better now and I’m sure it will give people hope who have similar feelings about their new homes.

So glad you're starting to feel at home and feeling better now x