Lost our dream home and can't get over it

[Strawberry83]

Hi Mumsnetters,

I'm a long-time lurker on this site but have decided to post on here as I don't feel I have anyone else I can turn to! I hope this is in the right section of the forum and apologies in advance for the long post.

Basically in December last year DH and I sold our small flat in London to move slightly further out (from zone 3 to 4). We've gone from a tiny one bedroom flat in a modern block to a semi-detached period house, with two/three bedrooms and a big garden (by London standards anyway).

The primary reason for making the move was that after nine years, we really wanted more space and a garden to enjoy in the summer months (our old place was very small and cramped, even for two people). We also wanted a freehold house with no service charges (one thing I don't miss about our old place was the 2.5k annual service charge ). We would like to have stayed in our old area ideally, which we loved, but couldn't afford much more space on our budget.

However, we've now been in our new house for a month and I'm really not settling. The house itself is nice but I miss our old area so much. The train station where we are now is only a few stops (12 minutes or so) down the line from our old area, but the house itself is a 20 minute walk to the station with no decent bus routes, which has left me feeling quite "cut off".

I'm sure some people will say that 20 minutes is nothing, but our old place was only a five minute walk to the nearest station, so relatively it's quite a difference. I also worry that it's harder for our friends to get to and that no one will come and visit us.

What's made me feel worse is that when we were looking to buy, we narrowly missed out on a beautiful house very near our old flat. It needed a complete renovation (I'm not sure you could even have lived there straightaway, as it was pretty much derelict) but it was a dream location.

There was a bidding war on it and we lowered our offer at the last minute as we were extremely worried that we wouldn't have the cash to do it up properly (and are complete novices at that sort of thing). We'd also have had to borrow a significant amount of cash from my parents to make it work, which although they did offer, I was loathe to do.

Since losing out on the dream house I've tried to put it out of my mind and make the best of things, assuming that it probably went for way over our budget anyway. However, I looked it up online the other day (big mistake) and discovered that it actually ended up selling for just 5k over what we bid. I'm now feeling completely devastated with regret as if we hadn't lowered our offer at the last minute, we would have been the winning bidders.

I'm trying to rationalise it by thinking that we may not have had the budget to fully do it up, even with the borrowing from my parents (which as I said, I really didn't want to do). There wasn't a chance to get a builder round for a viewing as with so many people interested, it went to best and final offers the evening we looked round. We therefore had to guesstimate what it would have cost us ourselves.

To make things even more pressurised, we were also pretty far down the line with buying our current house by the time the dream house came on the market, and were worried that if we'd switched properties at that point, we may have a) lost our very impatient buyers, b) lost our mortgage offer (I'm not sure the kitchen could be described as "working"!) and c) risked losing both properties and being back at square one.

However, I've been really sad since finding out the price it went for and have been feeling even more negative towards our new place as a result. I've tried talking to DH about it a few times but I think he's fed-up with hearing about it now. He says he was never especially keen on the dream house anyway, as although he loved the location, he was worried about the amount of work that needed doing and the potential cost.

Maybe it's my state of mind at the moment but I'm having a hard time believing him and am worrying he's just saying that to try and make me feel better. The house where we've ended up is pretty dated inside so will need a new kitchen and bathroom, although it's very much liveable in. I just can't help thinking that perhaps we would have had enough in the kitty to do up the dream house - and if we didn't, we'd have found a way to make it work somehow.

Sorry again for the long post and thank you in advance for any advice, words of wisdom or reality checks...! I do appreciate that we're very lucky to own our own home at all, especially with London prices being what they are.

Thanks ladies.

I had a one that got away sort of situation last year, where a problem with the survey kicked up at the last possible second. It was a fixer upper too, and I’m actually glad in hindsight that I went for something that needs cosmetic work rather than structural work, because even trying to get the decoration and renovate the kitchen is stressful, and I can only imagine how bad the one I didn’t get would have been.

There’s something to be said for an easier life with some compromise, but I understand how hard that can be to accept.

I hope you settle soon!

No don’t agonise over this! You would have had to rent to do something like that up in budget because it’s more expensive to live on site and drag out a major refurb. Honestly if you think you ‘may’ not have had enough to do it justice then you’re almost certainly right!

I think you should hold onto the thought that these things are never the ‘only’ dream home you’ll ever get. It takes ages to feel like a new home is ‘home’ and I think we all feel second thoughts normally. What about all the other ‘dream’ homes you’ve missed when you weren’t looking, what about in five years - something else might be your ideal then...

We’ve been in our house eight years and I’m hankering after a change big time. It’s a gorgeous house but it wasn’t the one we lost on sealed bids (which would have been too expensive to do up I now know), and now it’s how I want it I’ve learnt so much I want to do it again! We’re never happy!

I can sympathise. I would say (genuinely) that complete renovation projects can be an utter nightmare. You could have been living in a building site for months, faced with spiralling costs, and dealing with crappy tradesmen (you may want to read the renovations thread in the property section for some ideas on what you are 'missing').

I sorry you haven't settled but do try to remember that no property is perfect, and the house you have bought fulfils all the criteria for why you moved (for the extra space and garden). And it will take a while to feel like 'home'. Can you focus on getting some little bits to put in the house (lovely rugs, cushions, etc) to make it feel more homely? Bear in mind as well that obviously it's winter right now, but in a couple of months you'll be able to start enjoying your lovely new garden.

The sellers may not have accepted the highest bid so you may not have won even with a higher bid. I know it's so hard not to look when you lose out but you never see the full picture.

I hope your new place starts to feel like home soon.

I totally understand your predicament and unrest. Many years ago I bought a home and lived with regret. I ended up renting it out and renting somewhere else until the market increased - so I do get it.

However a renovation eats into your whole life. Your whole spending money. Your free time. 20 mins - can you think of it as a positive (fitness maybe ? ) I don't think your dh is being dishonest. I think he agrees about the work. It is very early days.

What do you love about the new home ?

Having done a full renovation on a tight budget, I can assure you that if you had got that house, you would be willing to do anything to get someone to make it all go away. Nothing could have prepared me for the stress of it all...
And my DH is a structural engineer so very used to building projects.

Anyone who won't travel an extra 30 mins to see you isn't a true friend but I BET everyone will be fascinated to see the new house, especially if there is the potential for them to save the cab fare home by staying over.

If you are the first of your friends to make the zone 1/2 flat to zone 4 house move, you won't be the last. Pretty much everyone will do it and travelling out to the 'burbs becomes a normal part of everyone's social life

Hi everyone,

Thank you so much for your swift responses and kind words! The dream house was very small - half the square footage of the one we're in now, and had no garden (well, unless you count the tiny yard at the back), but the street was so pretty and the house itself unbelievably quaint. It was one of those rare places where you're happy just to throw your usual checklist of non-negotiables out the window, as it was so incredibly gorgeous

I keep berating myself for not having had the courage to go for it, but it's so hard when you don't understand the ins and outs of what you're dealing with renovation-wise, and are simultaneously stretching your budget to the absolute limit. DH was never 100% behind it for the aforementioned reason - I think if we'd both been 100% then we'd have had more confidence to go for it.

BlondeOnBlonde - I know what you mean about even cosmetic renovations being stressful. I find choosing paint colours difficult, let alone a whole new house!

Girlwhowearsglasses - Yes, I'm pretty sure we'd have had to rent somewhere for a while (the bathroom was in a pretty horrendous state!) which would have added even more to the cost of the project. I just can't help thinking to myself that the temporary discomfort would have been worth it ultimately, for the fabulous location.

Kitkat - DH has suggested making some small cosmetic changes to the new house (new curtains etc) too, as the bigger stuff (such as new bathroom and so on) will obviously take time to choose and organise. Perhaps he's right.

Honestly, the square footage alone makes the place you have a winner. You can make the new place gorgeous - reclaimed brick wall, some gorgeous tiles and furniture.

As you said it is the summer months you love - you only has a yard. It wasn't meant to be

Thanks Littlelambpeep. There are some lovely things about the new house - finally having a garden being one of them!

It's also a fair bit quieter compared to our last place (where we were on a fairly busy road with neighbours on both sides, plus above and below) and so I'm sleeping much better.

The house has some lovely period features too, plus a woodburning stove in the lounge.

You're right, I need to turn the 20-minute walk into a positive somehow. Perhaps it'll be easier in the summer when it won't seem like such a trek in the cold!

Tenbob - if your DH is used to building projects and it was still incredibly stressful, then perhaps it would all have been just too much for us. We've never done any refurb work before and are total novices!

Was the dream home in Roupell Street by chance? They are lovely but Oh so tiny!

As mentioned above you won't be the first or last, and you will find like minds where you are!

Plus you now have room to actually invite them round.

Think of the spring - choose lovely garden furniture for when you can sit in the garden drinking wine at sunset. Plan the veg for the garden! Its addictive.

Oh and I forgot to say - get a scooter!

Girlwhowearsglasses - no it wasn't Roupell. But I adore that street!

I'm not trying to be harsh, but you do need to get a bt of a grip.

It was a house, bricks and mortar. There are more of them in exactly the same place as the one you didn't get/your old flat.

This concept of dream house causes more problems than its worth - it just sets you up to fail (as we see here, you are feeling crappy now).

Unless you are building a completely unique design using your late grandmother's ashes on a plot of land reclaimed from the sea and rolled on the thighs of virgins, it's all just going to be one house of many others with equally desirable features. Just a house.

If there was a fire would you save your loved ones and fuck the house; or use their bodies to damp down the flames to protect the building?

I can guarantee that in 5 years time you look back and think ‘thank goodness we didn’t buy that house because of x’. Allow yourself to grieve for it now (and the price it went for). Plant some pots up with bulbs, and look forward to spring in your garden :)

I'd love the space you have now!

Im too indecesive to make decor commitments so i had the wallpaper stripped, walls re-skimmed and painted white in a couple of rooms which really helped make house look less dated. Crisp white walls even made the 70s doors look like a feature! Ok im pushing it but they look better now.

As your dh wasn't really onboard,there could have been huge resentment if the renovation had been more stressful and expensive than you expected.

We bought a fixer upper in 2010 which needed a new bathroom, new boiler, new windows and doors, new garage door, plus complete redecoration. We costed it out and had a budget we thought would cover it. We sold it in 2017 having just finished all the renovations.

Its not just the big stuff but its alsowhat you uncover underneath once you start the project. Damp, bad/dangerous DIY, woodworm etc and then the costs start to spiral. Everytime we lifted a carpet my stomach would clench, £500 on new floorboards, some random wiring that looked dodgy and needed checking out, a fireplace that had been poorly removed, patch of damp.

On top of that its all the little things that add up, DH did some of the work himself to save costs but he needed to buy new tools. Each new door (and there are a lot of doors in even a small house) cost about £150 each for the cheapest option once you included a handle, its more if you employ someone to hang them for you. Light switches and fittings, plug sockets, flooring etc are cheap if you buy one, but we spent £200 on plug sockets just for the lounge alone.

We bought a bigger house and it has been fantastic to have somewhere where nothing needs doing, everything we have done so far has been because we wanted to. The old house took all our spare money and time, stressed my relationship with my lovely DH to its limit and really affected my mental health because nothing was ever tidy, or ordered or even clean. We couldn’t invite anyone round and it was miserable.

I’d take an estimated budget, double it and add some. And you either have the choice of doing some yourself (and knackering yourself) or having the stress of co-ordinating lots of trademen who cost more, dont turn up when they say they will and will ask you a million questions a day about where you want light switches.

We moved twenty minutes walk from the DCs school, I find everyday on the four school runs (even with a dawdling, talkative 8 year old) I am doing easily 10,000 steps a day. It has done wonders for my skin, my mental health, my sleep patterns and my waistline!

ShotsFired - thank you, I needed that! I agree a house is just bricks and mortar, but location is also a big factor. I don't think I realized how much I'd miss our old area - and how much I'd feel cut off in the new house. But our budget wasn't great for the area we live in and the sort of place we wanted, so we had no choice but to compromise on something!

CharizMa - I like the tip about painting everything "crisp white", thank you!

Angryosaurus - I really hope so!

I should add that one of the reasons we moved was because we're hoping to start a family at some point (and I'm not getting any younger!) So we thought a big garden would be lovely for that.

TheWanderingUterus, thanks so much for that. If you think we'd have needed to double the cost we had in our heads then add some, it would have been way out of our budget - by about 50k!

Do you walk the school run every day, or do you drive sometimes too? From my point of view anything that helps my waistline (and mental health) is most definitely a good thing!

Space is so important, and so is a garden, Wait until summer when you can enjoy your garden like you wouldnt have been able to do in the other house.

We did a house up, The whole house from top to bottom, I would never do it again, Far too stressful.

We worked out:

boiler and bathroom £3.5k.
Windows and two doors 5k
Garage door £600
Fuse box £300
Redecoration/flooring/new doors: £10k

We had a £20k budget.

To be fair the first four did cost around those prices, but the redecoration/flooring/fiddly bits tripled the budget at least because of all the unexpected problems/new tools etc. We also had unexpected things that the quotes for the above jobs didn’t cover -tiles and taps for the bathroom were another £500-£1000 which we didn’t factor in when we got the quote.

Yes, I walk everyday. I’m a student so I am at home anyway and as I have the time to walk I try and make sure I do it. I have the Health app on my iPhone which counts my steps. I am insanely competitive and I try and make my weekly average 10,000 at least, which gets me active at the weekend too. I also try and make each weeks total average larger than the previous week. I have been known to march up and down the garden to ensure this happens! I’ve lost two dress sizes since April and I am eating pretty much the same. I’m sleeping so much better too.

20 minute walk morning and evening? Cancel the gym you will be fitter and by summer you will be so ready to start making the garden your own.

It is a big change and alot to get your head round, I bet you would be feeling the same if you had got the dream house.

Thanks TheWanderingUterus. So how much did you end up spending in total, if you don't mind me asking - almost 50k? The dream house needed a brand new kitchen and bathroom, plastering work, redecoration and new flooring throughout, new windows and doors (front and internal), new boiler and central heating system, front garden entirely remodelling, possibly a new roof and potentially a new staircase (the one it had was just separate bits of wood bolted to a wall if that makes sense, so an accident waiting to happen...!) It was completely derelict basically - there was nothing that didn't need doing. We figured it would have cost about £50k but maybe we overestimated and could have afforded it after all... gah! We really are complete novices. We saw a similar but slightly bigger property though where the estate agent admitted it would have cost £100k to do it properly, so thought £50k for a smaller property sounded quite conservative!

Thanks Lovely333 and grannytomine for your comments too!

Edit: when I say "could have afforded it after all", that would have involved borrowing half the money from my parents, which I've always been very reluctant to do...

I reckon you wouldn’t get much change from 75k for that list.