Lost our dream home and can't get over it

[Strawberry83]

Hi Mumsnetters,

I'm a long-time lurker on this site but have decided to post on here as I don't feel I have anyone else I can turn to! I hope this is in the right section of the forum and apologies in advance for the long post.

Basically in December last year DH and I sold our small flat in London to move slightly further out (from zone 3 to 4). We've gone from a tiny one bedroom flat in a modern block to a semi-detached period house, with two/three bedrooms and a big garden (by London standards anyway).

The primary reason for making the move was that after nine years, we really wanted more space and a garden to enjoy in the summer months (our old place was very small and cramped, even for two people). We also wanted a freehold house with no service charges (one thing I don't miss about our old place was the 2.5k annual service charge ). We would like to have stayed in our old area ideally, which we loved, but couldn't afford much more space on our budget.

However, we've now been in our new house for a month and I'm really not settling. The house itself is nice but I miss our old area so much. The train station where we are now is only a few stops (12 minutes or so) down the line from our old area, but the house itself is a 20 minute walk to the station with no decent bus routes, which has left me feeling quite "cut off".

I'm sure some people will say that 20 minutes is nothing, but our old place was only a five minute walk to the nearest station, so relatively it's quite a difference. I also worry that it's harder for our friends to get to and that no one will come and visit us.

What's made me feel worse is that when we were looking to buy, we narrowly missed out on a beautiful house very near our old flat. It needed a complete renovation (I'm not sure you could even have lived there straightaway, as it was pretty much derelict) but it was a dream location.

There was a bidding war on it and we lowered our offer at the last minute as we were extremely worried that we wouldn't have the cash to do it up properly (and are complete novices at that sort of thing). We'd also have had to borrow a significant amount of cash from my parents to make it work, which although they did offer, I was loathe to do.

Since losing out on the dream house I've tried to put it out of my mind and make the best of things, assuming that it probably went for way over our budget anyway. However, I looked it up online the other day (big mistake) and discovered that it actually ended up selling for just 5k over what we bid. I'm now feeling completely devastated with regret as if we hadn't lowered our offer at the last minute, we would have been the winning bidders.

I'm trying to rationalise it by thinking that we may not have had the budget to fully do it up, even with the borrowing from my parents (which as I said, I really didn't want to do). There wasn't a chance to get a builder round for a viewing as with so many people interested, it went to best and final offers the evening we looked round. We therefore had to guesstimate what it would have cost us ourselves.

To make things even more pressurised, we were also pretty far down the line with buying our current house by the time the dream house came on the market, and were worried that if we'd switched properties at that point, we may have a) lost our very impatient buyers, b) lost our mortgage offer (I'm not sure the kitchen could be described as "working"!) and c) risked losing both properties and being back at square one.

However, I've been really sad since finding out the price it went for and have been feeling even more negative towards our new place as a result. I've tried talking to DH about it a few times but I think he's fed-up with hearing about it now. He says he was never especially keen on the dream house anyway, as although he loved the location, he was worried about the amount of work that needed doing and the potential cost.

Maybe it's my state of mind at the moment but I'm having a hard time believing him and am worrying he's just saying that to try and make me feel better. The house where we've ended up is pretty dated inside so will need a new kitchen and bathroom, although it's very much liveable in. I just can't help thinking that perhaps we would have had enough in the kitty to do up the dream house - and if we didn't, we'd have found a way to make it work somehow.

Sorry again for the long post and thank you in advance for any advice, words of wisdom or reality checks...! I do appreciate that we're very lucky to own our own home at all, especially with London prices being what they are.

Thanks ladies.

OP I feel your pain! I also used to live right in the middle of everything in a really cool part of London and moved to a tiny flat in zone 3 because it was the only thing I could afford to buy as a FTB on my own. I'm a 10 min walk away from the station. Doesn't sound like much but it's a pain especially coming home late at night.

I didn't have a dream house I lost out on but the week after I exchanged after seeing no better options in my price range, two came up. 1 was in my dream location, the other just as far out but much bigger. I was gutted.

Don't have advice as I'm still waiting for my silver lining but I do think a lot of what you (and I) are feeling is just homesickness for our old areas. It takes a while for that to disappear. House buying in London is tough. Unless you have loads of money you have to make compromises, which inevitably lead to regret. Google 'buyer's remorse' - it's very normal. I'm just trying to learn not to beat myself up for my decisions!

You just miss your old neighbourhood.
You wanted more space but that meant you couldn’t afford to stay, now because you haven’t settled yet, you are doubting yourself. Don’t! That place was not for you.

Of course you miss your old place, it will take time to settle in, it’s all new. Give it time, and if you still don’t like it, you can move again. Forget that other house, it just feels like it was an option but it really wasn’t.

Reality check... It costs around £100 to renovate a property as our have described in London. Could you afford that plus the cost of living elsewhere for a year?

Reality check... It takes ages to get used to a new home and a new area so don't be hard on yourself. Moving takes its toll and it is normal to have some negative reactions. Hold on to the positives and enjoy the space around you. Your new house sounds lovely!

It takes time. Think of the 20 minute walk as part of your essential exercise and try and challenge yourself to do it really fast (just seen you are doing this!) Forget about the other house, it sounds like a money pit and not good value for money. I would work on making your house as lovely as you can (before you have kids who will come and wreck it!., you can really enjoy decorating it nicely in your own style without worrying about major renovations. Summer will be great and you will be able to have BBQs in the garden. Invite friends and new neighbours over and have a house warming, set out to explore things in your local area and try the pubs, shops, see if there are any groups to join etc. As you are in a house you can always set up the spare room for friends to stay over when you invite them.

I felt horribly homesick moving just ten minutes away. It took months to settle.

I wanted to tell you my horror story to help a bit, I hope.

We bought a house at the top of our budget, thinking it was perfect. We decided to do one, smallish, building project for 15k. It turned out to be the start of an escalating nightmare, and by the end, we had a new garden, kitchen, bathroom and foundations, and we were 250k down. 250k. We had builders in our house for a year. The house was dirty, cold and uncomfortable. We had no kitchen for two months, with two small children. We couldn't afford to move out. We had to chase our builder and the tradespeople constantly. We overspent on fittings because the builder egged us on and they are, obviously, very tempting when you're being told you need to do a top spec job for the area you live in. When we were done, I had to go back to work full time to pay our now enormous mortgage, and ultimately we had to sell our house and move out of London completely. 50k wouldn't have come anywhere close to paying for even the obvious things your house needed, and if it really was even approaching derelict, you could have ended up with a total money pit.

Also a 20 minute walk sounds great for fitness! You'll get used to your new area, and when the weather gets better, you'll be in your garden, having a barbecue with friends, and realise how pleased you are to be there with no financial stress. And you get the fun of a new kitchen and bathroom!

I’ve done quite a few house renovations, including in London. There’s very little chance you could have done the renovation for £50k, I wouldn’t be surprised if it went well over £100k due to needing a new roof, staircase, rewiring and likely moving some walls. Your money would be gone before you’d even looked at a paint sample!

That dream house sounds like a fucking nightmare. All that and no bloody garden???!

I doubt you’d have had any change from £100k. £50k wouldn’t have touched it so sounds like you made the right decision

I haven't read the whole thread but my son and girlfriend have had recent property woes! So, one point is that if it went 5 k over and you had bid oer that, it would almost definitely have gone higher. Second is that people serously underestimate cost, time and stress of major works. My daughter took on a really run down flat and has just finished..it took 3 years and her dad is a builder.

I think you may be wearing rose-coloured glasses, OP. Refurbs always seem to cost your budget + x. Just settle down , take a breath, and give yourself time to enjoy your new house

Hi @Strawberry83 - I haven't read the whole thread but I just wanted to say reading some of the posts here has really helped me.

We're looking to move to our 'dream home' and I thought I might have found it yesterday. A huge farmhouse which needs completely gutting and renovating. The guide price is at the top of our budget but it's been on the market a while, the vendor is keen to sell and we're procedable, so they've indicated they'd accept a significantly lower figure. I think hoped we could do the work on the difference and whilst this might be possible, I can also see the costs spiralling out of control and us being left with a drafty ruin we can't afford to enjoy.

I've not stopped thinking about the house since I viewed it yesterday, but reading the comments here have really helped me to rationalise the situation. It's not right, and I know it, so I need to screw my head back on and think about what's right for my family.

I really hope you feel more settled soon, I'm sure you will. Enjoy that garden when we finally get some decent weather!

I had a lovely little city centre flat and made the move out to suburbia to live with DH. It was a much wanted move and I loved our house and the location and the space but......oh, .I mourned for my little flat for a good couple of years! The convenience, the walking everywhere, the spontenaity of staying in town for a few more drinks and not being beholden to the last train/bus! What I’m saying is, you’ve made a big life change and it will take some time to come to terms with it. As others have said, once the weather gets better and you can get using the outside space, it will hopefully become easier!

I know I'm a year late but your story could be ours almost exactly; we moved from a central London modern flat to the burbs for a garden and no service charge...everything you describe I'm feeling now. But I haven't stopped crying for 3 months! OH at wit's end. Don't know how to get over it. How did your story finish?

I feel the same way about a dream house which was at the top of our budget and needed complete refurbishment. We wouldn't have had the money to do it up without borrowing from elsewhere . I'm still hoping the sale falls through tbh and rang the estate agent to find out. I was a bit miffed when he said he'd be in touch with all bidders if things fell through. I was thinking, don't call the other bidders! I'm the only one that's following up!

Anyway, I'm still holding our hope but it really is a pipe dream at this stage

Can I also say that once you have started your family you'll find you get more integrated into the area because you'll have the time with baby in tow to get more involved in the local community.

You could see if there's anything going on locally that interests you that you could get involved in to meet more local people and make new friends.

OP £50k wouldn't have touched it. £200k would have been a more realistic guess. Hope that makes you feel better.

For flip sake...another zombie thread. Why do people keep doing this

@whiskyowl "I think it's really normal to feel unsettled in a new house. I bet loads of us on this forum have moved into a place, then had a wobble about whether it was "right" or not!" I think this is very very sensible advice from whiskyowl

Good morning, ladies.

I'm actually a man from southern europe that accidentally found this thread while searching for similar studies, and felt like saying something here.

So I live with my GF in a small apartment in the city and we're planning to move to live near the sea and have a kid.

Last year we found this wonderful apartment near the sea with 3 bedrooms (I need one bedroom to work) and lost it for a matter of 5K, and we kept dwelling on it for months. Then we lost other houses which we dwelled on to also: making low offers and losing them.

Weeks ago we found this wonderful top-floor 2 bedroom apartment from 2011 for nearly the same price of the lost one. It's only 2 bedroom and definitely a smaller house but the living room + kitchen are an awesome wide space with a stunning balcony directed to the morning sun, and being a top floor it also has an easy access to the common rooftop where you can look at the sea at night, and as soon as I entered this place I knew I gotta have it.

Now, this house, I made an offer for it slightly higher than my usual (but still below than asked price), and guess what? It's mine. But still being mine, I'm now wondering if I could have lowered the price more, even though the real state agency told me before my offer that she was confident the owner would accept my offer but not for a lower price.

So, all in all, the lessons for me having visited more than 20 houses:

1. The only way to have a perfect house is building one;
2. The first impression when you enter a place is very important, like imagining you living in there instantly;
3. You'll be always unsatisfied with the price, always thinking you could've offered more if you get the house, or less if you lose the house.

And most importantly:

1. There is no dream house, another one always follows!

Thanks!

"3. You'll be always unsatisfied with the price, always thinking you could've offered less if you get the house, or more if you lose the house."

; - )

@CaptainHouse you are so right. I lost my dream house because the agent discouraged me from making a higher bid, saying a friend of the family offered A LOT more so there's no point. Total lie, the house was sold for less than I wanted to pay.

1. You can assume the agents are lying if their lips are moving.

:(

@housebuyingistheworst I don't think I understood. So you were willing to make a higher offer than what seller was asking, and still the agent discouraged you?

@CaptainHouse yes. People think the agents work for the seller. In reality they only work for themselves. This agent wanted the other bidder to get the house at a good price for some reason. It could have been : a) their friend or relative, b) someone who offered them some incentive to make it happen , eg the bidder (unlike me) used their in house conveyancing services or offered good old fashioned cold hard cash (ie a bribe). At this stage neither option would surprise me, but the seller's interest was far from their top priority. Another D cc factor supporting of my theory - they put the house on the market on a weekday and took it off within 24h, cancelling all Saturday viewings. The sellers missed out on a minimum of £20k by doing that, as the house was truly unique and very competitively priced for what it was.

Dream house would have been a total stress fest and money pit, especially at London prices. Plus with a near derelict house you have no choice than to finish what you have started, regardless of cost.

With your current home, you can upgrade one room at a time as you can afford it. I agree with others, further down the line you will be glad you chose your current home.

WRT the 20 minute walk, invest in good shoes and clothes for bad weather and consider it your daily effort to good health.

@housebuyingistheworst I guess that's even worse. In my case I bought the case with a 5K discount, but got the feeling that I could have gone even lower.

My point was basically that there is no perfect deal, no perfect house, so there's always a next opportunity.

What is important though, is to learn. And I've quickly learned that I'd rather spend an extra 5K in a first good offer to make sure I get the place I want, than to risk losing a place by being a smartass and going low.