Help! Can't settle in new house & anxious about neighbours

[pnutmouse]

Hello, I'm new to posting on Mumsnet but I really need some help. I can't stop crying and feeling severely anxious. We moved into our new house 4 weeks ago. We had been in our old house for 14 years. The whole buying/selling rollercoaster lasted 11 months and left me feeling exhausted and really emotional.
I can't settle in the new house. The house itself is really nice but I don't feel right and at times feel I don't want to carry on with life anymore. It sounds so stupid when I write it down. I've got a lovely hubby and small boy, but I've become extremely anxious about the neighbours and worrying they'll disturb us. We lived in a really quiet house before, the neighbours were so quiet we never heard a thing. In the new house we're semi-detached and next door are 2 professional blokes who are renting. We can hear their TV and occasionally radio in the garden and through the wall. It's not loud-loud, but I'm freaking out that they'll have parties or it will become unbearable. My hubby is really worried about me, I'm in such a state worrying about what might happen. I've been to the GP and been prescribed anti-depressants and beta blockers but haven't taken them as I'm reluctant to take drugs. I'm hoping it'll feel better soon or someone might have felt the same after moving house? x

It sounds as though the move has taken its toll on you.
Maybe just try the beta blockers which will curb the anxiety first and if they don't work then move on to the antidepressants.
It is a very stressful time but your symptoms do seem extreme and it's nothing to worry about needing a little help to get back on an even keel.

Hi idon'tknowhowIam. Thank you so much for writing back. It sounds so silly but I'm in such a bad way, I really don't know how to calm down or feel ok again. I feel so worried about this being a huge (and expensive) mistake to move to this house. I am worried about next door so much I've become hyper sensitive to any noise/creaks/movements that it's dominating my thoughts. It just doesn't feel like home.x

Ahh, poor thing, you sound stressed out and I think your husband is right to worry. No shame in taking tablets for a short time.

They say moving house is second only to bereavement in terms of stress don't they? Go easy on yourself.

Thank you too. I wonder if it's normal to feel so dreadful and anxious about the decision after moving house, seems I've gone completely bonkers and wonder if it is a reaction to the stress of the whole process which was horrendous.
Has anyone had the same worries about neighbours and find they're ok? x

Hi OP I have had very similar issues about noise from neighbours, worrying about noise to the point of obsession. We have since moved to somewhere quieter and I don't worry anymore (much!). Our old house was a terrace where we had a rental next door that was an HMO and changed quite frequently. I used to put my ear to the wall and if I heard music would worry there was going to be a party later. Sometimes there were parties, and we would have to go and knock on the door at 1/2/3 am!
A couple of things that may help are to get yourself some earplugs for bedtime so you won't hear doors opening/closing. You should introduce yourself to your neighbours if you get the chance then it is easier to have a friendly word if there are any problems. Also if you do have any problems you should be able to find out who the landlord is and usually they will be proactive if their tenants cause problems with noise, they can threaten to evict them.
How old is your little one? Maybe you do have some postnatal anxiety. Also I find after moving it does take a long time to settle.

When we moved into our current house I noticed that the neighbors behind us had a very bright light over their garage, which was visible from our back garden.

I became a bit obsessive about it, was convinced that it impeded my enjoyment of the night sky, plotted many ways to block the light, etc.

But my concern really faded as I became used to our new house, and now the light doesn't even register at all.

I don't think this is the house, I think this is your illness. Please, please take the medication. You can't 'snap out' of this any more than you can out of a broken leg.

For your sake and that of your husband - please take the meds, work with the doctor and I hope you feel better soon.

I wouldnt take antidepressants for a problem thats situation based and change based. Beta blockers might help in the short term, but you need to focus on why you moved. Remind yourself that its not a big deal to hear the neighbours occasionally and you have a right to live peacefully and calmly and so do they.

Are you normally better with change?

Arcadia and PitlessYank, thank you so much for messaging me, it is so nice to hear others have felt the same sort of thing. I have been really friendly to both chaps (they probably think I'm strange!! but I'm desparate for everything to be good with them as you hear horror stories about people being disturbed by noise). The ear plugs at night is a really good idea. My hubby says if there are any problems he'll have a word and that I should try not to worry about the 'what ifs' all the time, he's so kind and supportive but I am sure he's really worried about how I've become. I literally am crying every day, I can't get it together. My lovely boy is just 6 (one child) and I think I may have had PN depression and this is still with me. I'm not the person I was before I had him, and he was everything I ever wanted, but now I find life so difficult to cope with. On the surface people wouldn't know, I work full time and have lots of lovely friends, but I shy away from telling people what's really going on as I feel so ashamed - my life is good, why would I be so upset about nothing? It's just for me home is everything, and I am absolutely terrified about us being disturbed or hearing noise. I also feel like a fool for not finding out more about who is next door (not that they are bad, they seem really nice) before. It's so silly I sound like a total idiot, but I'm in such a state that I really don't know what to do to calm down and feel ok. I get really irrational and stupid thoughts about a way out - I'd never do it but I'm in a pickle. I guess I need to try the meds, I've got a referral from the GP to the NHS Wellbeing counsellors too and an initial chat on Thursday x

Special Subject and Branleuse thank you too, I can't tell you how nice it is to have an opportunity to talk like this xx

Pnut it sounds like you have a lovely husband and a good gp. It's anxiety and/or depression. maybe it built up or was left from one and this move has triggered it.

From experience, I'd say take all help that's offered. Tablets and counselling. It's not forever. It's to help you get back on top of things. You'll be ok. One step at a time.

I became noise-phobic after living next to noisy neighbours and it's never quite gone away since, I still get that feeling of churning panic when a car drives by with thudding music or something, and I still have to wear ear plugs even though we now live in a quiet place and bulk-buy them from Amazon every few months. So you totally have my sympathy!

However ... It's pretty early days for you and you might be worrying unnecessarily, it's probably also your anxiety being an arsehole more than anything else. I hope the GP helps next week.

If they do turn out to be noisy - you WILL get through it, honestly! I had 2 years of the noisiest party neighbours imaginable and survived. You will too.

Slow, deep breathing might help you right now. Can you put the tv on yourself or listen to some music?

(You could also look into things like white noise machines, noise reducing headphones, or earphones for when you sleep if little sounds keep winding you up - but that's tackling a symptom, not the cause, and might not help long-term.)

*sleepphones for when you sleep, fab product!

I think that's spot on, I'm worrying about something that might happen, not something that is happening. I'm sure the underlying problem is anxiety/depression that's been with me for years but is magnified with the move/fear of the neighbours. I guess it's also worry that I would find it really hard to go through the process of selling/buying if I hated living here, and could lose loads of money, so feel a bit stuck. BUT it's only been 4 weeks, we've hardly unpacked, and hopefully it'll be ok. I just need to sort out the crying and terrible feeling of anxiety I can't shift. xx

Pnut, I'm so sorry you are going through this, it's awful. I was exactly the same, to the point that I made my husband promise we could put the house back on the market if I hadn't got used to it after a year. 4 years later we are still here.

For me, as PP's have said, it was anxiety. I started therapy and it became apparent over time that I worried about practical environmental things because I didn't want to think about some of the more difficult emotional things that I was facing. Why did you move? How did you feel about leaving your old house? It's a big change and it can be hard to acknowledge that because there's a lot of pressure to be excited about the move.

It does sound like you've a lot on your plate and I'd recommend (from my experience anyway) some therapy to help you think it all through. In the meantime medication can certainly help as well. When I started on antidepressants it felt like giving in and I hated it, but the benefits have been enormous and negatives pretty much non-existent.

I hope you are able to get some help and that things start to feel more manageable soon.

Pnut this is not a rational fear. It's a manifestation of the stress and anxiety your illness is causing. Take the medication they will help in the short term and counselling will help you overcome your fears in the long term. Please don't keep being unhappy worrying about things that haven't even happened, this is no way to live your life.

I am so grateful for everyone's comments and brilliant advice, it feels like a breakthrough being here & saying what's happening. I just feel overwhelmed by fear and worry to the point where I'm barely coping with day to day life.
We moved to have an extra bedroom and a garden, neither of which we had in our last house. We are only half a mile down the road so it's not like the area is new or we've had to deal with moving my son to a new school, etc. However I've never been great at change and fear bad things happening to me/people I love. I suffered a hugely traumatic event as a 10 year old and maybe I've never really come to terms with it, and this fear is the lasting impact (I'm mid 40s).
Do I take beta blockers and a-d's or should I try the BBs first and see if that helps? Xx

Suggest calling out of hours surgery or 111 for advice - or speak to your surgery first thing Monday to confirm what you should take. You may be able to leave a message for the gp to call and advise , no need for an appointment.

Meantime remember what you've achieved despite all this - think how great you'll be when your illness is treated.

All who love you are on your side - as are we internet randoms .

I totally agree with freias you are probably projecting fears into the situation, feeling unsettled. As gamer says I would probably go with the medication. I was on it for a couple of years and it really helped with my anxiety and I was able to put other stuff in place then come off them very gradually.
I totally understand down to how talking about it is quite difficult in real life because it is not really rational but it is a very intense fear. I'm quite glad to hear I am not the only person who has had this!

Some CBT could be helpful, looking at your thought patterns and how you may be modifying your behaviour thus reinforcing your fears?

The beta blockers will help if you get panicky, Start taking the ADs as they'll take a few weeks to kick in. They can in the short term temporarily increase anxiety but they do really help long term. You don't have to use the beta blockers as a regular medication. You can take them as you feel the need.
It may also help to find a counsellor to work through your anxiety.
FWIW I cried when we moved here because it was not my old house; it was draughty, smelly and full of problems. We bought a wreck knowingly. Today I sat on the sofa, looked around and thought how lucky we are to live in this house :)

OP, i really feel for you. i had an offer on a place and recently pulled out. the whole process made me feel so incredibly anxious that i felt physically ill. i can't imagine how it must feel to have moved and still feeling the same. i think it was because i wasn't sure about the place but i think a big part of it is the fear of the unknown. it's terrifying!

don't feel like you're being silly at all. you've been through a huge life change and it's upsetting you. i think you should make an appointment with a therapist asap. that more than the medication will help you work through your anxiety.

big hugs x

I had a nightmare time with ex neighbours - and was completely hyper-sensitised when I moved into this house a year ago. Spent first days so worried about sound from them. A year on, and I am having to remember being stressed. I never notice them - and think I must have been super stressed to even notice it. New house = stress sometimes; but let yourself settle in. I am sure it will be fine.

And not wanting to sound unsympathetic at all - because a move is huge - just give yourself a bit of time to settle.

Hi Mouse, I live in a semi detached house and I often worry about the same things. Our neighbours aren't particularly noisy, but every now and again they will be. I hate New Year's Eve, as they have had a couple of parties and it has been horrible. When they had the first one I was in bed with flu and eventually got up and asked them to turn it down!!!!! I felt mad about that, but when I went round there was only 4 of them having a night in, so they didn't need to have the music bellowing through the walls!

I was prescribed anti-depressants last year when I became ill whilst my husband was being treated for cancer. I was also reluctant to take them but have found that they did help a bit. Have you thought about trying Mindfulness or something similar? I have recently started a course and I think it has helped me a lot. Our last session was about "not believing the thought" even though it is really powerful in your head, you don't know if it's going to happen or not, and you can't let it take over your life. I hope that makes sense! I hope you feel better soon and can settle into your new home.