House for elderly parents who are finally downsizing

[IrianofWay]

My parents are 84 this year. Both have developed health problems in the last 7 years or so and finally have accepted that they can no longer cope with their beautiful 3.5 acre garden (on a slope!). Mum hasn't been down to her greenhouse at the bottom of the garden for nearly a year. Dad had what they think was a TIA a few weeks ago and is not allowed to drive currently. Mum is a very nervous driver and hates to drive after dark at all. So the car may be gone in the next year or so.

I have been trying gently to suggest this for a while now. But I couldn't really do more even though I have seen them deteriorating, the garden getting out of control and dad getting more down-hearted about it.

So..... the house goes on the market this week.

We are thinking bungalow, reasonable (.5 acre) garden but it needs to be more or less flat, walking distance of shop/pub/cafe or at least a bus stop. I want them to be less than 5 miles from me - currently they are 14 miles away which isn't that far but far enough when one of them is ill and I want to see them daily. I want to be able to help them out and just pop in regularly.

Dad is talking about going into a retirement village in their current village. Mum is horrified at the idea! Anyway it appears to be eye-wateringly expensive to get anything nice.

Does anyone, who may have been there, have any advice to what we have to look for as a new home for them?

er... half an acre of garden? Who is going to look after that? (If they can afford a gardener who will do a proper job then fine)

Thinking what MIL talks of: bungalow definitely, with walk-in shower and no steps to get in or out, plus no internal level changes. Spare room or two for live-in carer (should one be needed) and place to admire the garden from. Oriented so there are north-ish and south-ish facing rooms as we now seem to get hot summers as well as cold winters. No decking (or rip it out..), flat plot (no steep driveway) flat garden. Ideally a flat walk to the nearest bus stop.

this is the 'move into town' that we all have to face if we live long enough and I sympathise. Bit off topic, but we bought our house from a widow and have spent time bringing back what was clearly a much-loved garden. I am in touch with her and have made it clear that we love it and are looking after it. I like to think that helps a little.

I think they could afford a gardener to do the heavy stuff but if the garden is flat they will want to do most of it themselves. After 3.5 acres of orchard, woodland, veg garden, fruit cages and sloping lawns - half an acre will be a doddle! No garden, or a tiny garden would be misery for them

Having watched my parents rapidly decline once they reached a similar age, I would definitely think twice about anything too large (including outside space), however well you think they might cope.....I know only you can say what your parents are currently like, but as someone whose dad went from astute retired businessman to quivering wreck unable to distinguish which way round to hold his tv remote almost overnight (and it all began with the dreaded TIAs), I'd advise you to think very carefully about this.....I'm sure you wouldn't do anything less.

My parents (84 and 82 in 2012) were coping at home reasonably well (although my mum had mild Alzheimer's) and my dad refused all external assistance we offered to arrange. Eventually - after a couple of TIAs - he agreed to have carers go in to their home (which they refused to sell, having bought it in the mid 1960s), only to cancel a couple of months later, believing them to be a waste of money!

Less than three months later in July 2012 he had a bad fall whilst they were out shopping, was hospitalised and diagnosed with Vascular Dementia. They ended up (initially at least) in different residential homes, although later we found one where they could be together. Unfortunately it was too late - they no longer knew each other and within eighteen months my father suffered a massive stroke from which he never recovered. My mum passed away last week.

It is my belief that had they allowed us to organise the sale of their home earlier and the subsequent purchase of a small flat within easy proximity of our house, they might still be here today.

Unfortunately their pride and independence wouldn't allow this.

I do hope no other MNetters have to go through this......

Hope it all works out for your parents OP.

At 84 I certainly wouldn't be looking for 1/2 acre of garden - things will get more difficult for them, not easier.
I think you have to look at it from the other way round - what options are there within their price range, and within a 10min drive of your home ? No point in writing out a list of "what we wants" if they aren't available. Bungalows get snapped up around here - there's nowhere near enough of them.
I would get them to go and look at some of the various sheltered housing type options and talk to some of the people that live there, for a truer picture rather than the "idea" they have of a residential home or retirement village - they've developed a LOT in the last 20 years or so.

What does your Dad like about the retirement village? Is it one where there is a warden type person, that checks on residents? Also his reasons for staying in the present village, do they have a social life there?

Some sort of supported housing in the retirement village might be ideal if that's what's attracting your Dad.

What is it about that idea that your Mum doesn't like?

Realistically, the vast majority of elderly people will end up with some sort of care package to support them. Supported housing is excellent at this aspect of things, and the environment is generally well thought out (bathroom set up, room dimensions to allow for wheelchairs or different equipment.

I do hope you manage to get something suitable sorted before too long.

I think the retirement village would be vastly the best choice at 84. The ones I have looked at have gyms, restaurants, bars, daily events, minibus transport to places, and crucially, they have onsite care teams so its easy to buy in as much care as is needed at any time.

Something easy maintenance inside and out and on a bus route.
We are afraid for my parents as my dad can barely get in/out of a car and they have a long walk to the bus stop and he keeps having falls.
Also then you could suggest they get rid of their car now.

We've been on at my parents to move for years to a bungalow near us (there are always up for sale near us as there are a lot of them around).

Mum wanted to but dad was stubborn and now they are in a house that's too big, with loads needing doing to it, too much clutter in it, with a garden that's too big (nowhere near 0.5 of an acre though!) and an inconvenient location.
My dads health is deteriorating fast. It's a constant worry that a unhappy scenario like Rapaellas described of her poor parents might happen to ours.

I would urge them to move to the retirement village. I am dealing with the third of an acre my parents owned for 45 years. I spend days each week on the upkeep with a jobbing gardener to help for a couple of hours a week. The apple pear and plum trees all need pruning each year and disposing of the pruning and grass either by composting or taking to the recycling depot needs effort and driving licence. The jobbing gardner stays in sheltered housing and benefits hugely from not having to get a house maintained, has company and still has the energy to share in gardening.

My 75 year old Mum moved last spring into a two bed retirement apartment, and lovely it is too. We looked at bungalows first but the flat has more room. Pull cords in all rooms for careline and in a very nice building filled with retired professionals from all over. It's managed by BUPA and she says its the best place she's ever lived. She loved her garden, and now can enjoy a large one that has a gardener see to it year round.
It's also a very active community of people with a bus route and doctors practically on the doorstep.
www.goldsboroughestates.co.uk/

My grandmother moved into a retirement village at the age of 87 and lived there until she passed on at 93. She absolutely loved it. She had an amazing social life and great gardens and facilities.
Her house was a small scale house with all conveniences and comfort. But without any hassle.
Initially she had been against the idea of moving but after a bad fall she realised it was better. And she was very happy and supported (deaf, failing eyesight).

My PIL are 88 and 84. FIL is in remission from cancer and stone deaf. MIL is now blind - she denies this but wears -19 prescription and has 5% sight left from glaucoma.

We dearly wish we could persuade them to go to the lovely retirement village near them. They actually have friends there and it's lovely. They have a large 2200 sqft 4 bed house with 2 acres.
We have cleaners and gardener etc but it's just too much.
Sadly we cannot get them to see sense despite best endeavours.
They just keep saying they don't want to be a burden. I cannot get them to understand that this way they will be.

I hope you have better luck persuading your parents to move to a retirement village. They are amazing. The one my gran lived in helped her to live independently right up until she died. That meant everything to her and to us. And all her neighbours/fellow villagers we so lovely. They knew all of us and it felt like a real community.

When my dad moved over to Spain to be with us we had a purpose built private annex added to the house which was ideal, if you can do it. He had total independence and we all had piece of mind. He was an incredibly active 79 year old when he came and stayed totally well until his sudden death at 84 (whilst sitting on the terrace waiting for the kettle to boil (sad)).

When we returned to the UK we opted for a bungalow in walking distance to the town so that if we want to stay here for years (assuming we stay well) we can without the need to move again.

PIL had a warden controlled bungalow in their final years which provided piece of mind without being in a full retirement complex.

However, all in all, at 84 I think a lovely retirement village sounds the way can go as they can afford it.

Does your DM not like the retirement village because it is full of old people?

Is she a very private person who doesn't like mixing?

My DH's Aunt absolutely refused to move, she is 97, until dementia really took hold a few months ago and she was not safe. She had carers 4 times a day and a gardener, a cook and cleaner. The garden was about .5 of an acre. If your parents have enough money, they can be looked after but the care package was not enough because of the remoteness of the house and travelling time ate into the package time. The house needed a lot doing to it which was never done because Aunt had to pay for gardener, cook, cleaner, laundry etc. (no washing machine!). She is partially sighted and probably the most stubborn personI have ever met!

I wold be inclined to look favourably on the retirement village or a bungalow with everything they might need - in a town! If it is the bungalow, I would go for a reasonable garden but only one they can afford to keep up and maybe one laid out for older people with raised beds. It is easy to get grass cut, not so easy to get proper gardening done! Make sure any accommodation is future proofed with a walk in shower and no steps. Hope it all works out.

What about a house with a small garden close to an allotment they could pay for. Social and economic

Thanks for all your suggestions. House went on the market today and I want to cry just a little. Most of my childhood was spent there, parents have lavished love and time on that garden for 40 yrs. But stiff upper lip....

Here it is Clearly the estate agent didn't think the needed to declutter or even tidy!!

What a beautiful house and the garden is just a dream.

I hope your parents find something that works for them.

what an amazing house - but I am 30 years younger than your parents, work from home and I wouldn't take on a garden that big and sloping. I hope they can find somewhere with lovely and accessible outside space - maintained by someone else!

I am 30 yrs younger too and I wouldn't take it on either! But they have more or less kept on top of it until recently. Even with her osteoporosis mum was down on her knees weeding last autumn. Which is why no garden at all is simply not going work for them.

all for that - MIL thinks occasionally about a retirement home but correctly points out that she loves her (small) garden, small enough that she can pay people to do everything in it. Fortunately she already lives in a highly suitable bungalow.

had a quick look on rightmove and there are a lot of bungalows in the area, either in Weston (which may or may not be what you want) or in the smaller towns/villages. Plenty of choice. It will be a BIG downsize but I think they can still get a garden that they can enjoy rather than struggle with.

Thanks specialsubject. There are quite a few bungalows around. I don't think they would want to go to Weston or any big town. More likely to cope with a large village - Cheddar maybe. My agenda is to move them further south - I live in Bridgwater so looking at North Petherton or Cannington. Not so many properties there and I am not sure dad is convinced he wants to move areas. Problem is I think it's always going to sting a bit still seeing the house regularly and it's not as if they have any old friends left there and although they have been very involved in the church they won't be able to get there if they can't drive.

I would be furious with the Agent, IrianofWay. The pictures on the web site of the house looking cluttered don't really do it any favours. I do not understand why agents do not advise sellers how best to show their properties to potential buyers. I would tidy it up and make them come back and do more photos! Some might call it lived in, but with half a day spent tidying up, it would look so much better. It has a great garden and I don't think families will be put off. Some people love space for their children! Ride on mower definitely required.

I was a bit taken aback too milly.

Perhaps speak to the agent about what advice they give sellers? Your parents are paying for their service, usually quite a lot, so they should give advice on presenting the house. They obviously have not done this and I do wonder if it is because your parents are old!

I do hope you find somewhere suitable for them. I had a similar problem about 20 years ago. My Mum definitely now says it is the best thing she did. She worried about not having a large garden, but her small one is perfectly formed and attractive. It is no longer a worry! She also enjoys having neighbours to talk to that are handy.

Regarding a garden, if your parents are prepared, and able, to invest money, it is perfectly possible to design and plant a smaller garden for less maintenance. A patio with an arbour for sitting outside but in the shade, raised beds, trees, etc. There is brilliant advice out there and this would give your parents a real project in their new home. Not every lovely garden has to have acres of grass and perennial beds that are like weeding the M25! ! It woud give them something exciting to look forward to!

Thanks milly. There are some low-maintenance gardens in the bungalows I have seen - but some of them are very badly done, ie just huge deserts of gravel. I spoke to my mum at lunch time - she is very down about it all. She doesn't want to go