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Original poster

Supposed to be relocating next week but DH has changed his mind! (Long)

34 replies

Movingdilemma · 01/10/2013 23:46

I wasn't sure if this was the best place to post, but hope someone can offer advice. DH and I have been planning for a year or so to relocate from our current location to be nearer my family. We have two DC (3 and 1). The eldest is due to start school next year and the timing of school applications means that we have to move now if we're to be sure of getting a place (Good schools in the area tend to be oversubscribed, so it would be difficult to arrange to get in somewhere if we moved later on).

We've sold our house and had an offer accepted on one near a good school, a few minutes from my parents. We're due to exchange contracts at the end of this week. It was difficult to time finding a new job, selling the house and applying for schools so DH decided to keep his existing job for the time being. He thought he could do the commute (60 miles each way) by motorbike. However, he tried it for the first time today and decided he won't be able to do it every day. He is completely stressed and on the verge of saying he doesn't want to move.

Trouble is, it's so late in the day. I have resigned from my (part-time) job, cancelled nursery places and enrolled eldest DC in a new nursery. I have an interview for a new job. Nearly all our stuff is packed up.

I have suggested he stays near his job during the week and commutes weekly, but he is concerned about the impact on his relationship with the children. We are both teachers, so theoretically he should be able to find a new job in our new area fairly easily, but he is quite senior and thinks it will take a while to find an appropriate position. I think he should be able to get something by next September at the latest. Do you think a weekly commute would be doable for this time period?

I don't know what to say if he decides he doesn't want to go. Am I placing too much emphasis on applying for schools? We have no particular ties to our current location by the way.

Was just wondering what others think. Thanks for reading!

OP posts:

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 01/10/2013 23:54

I think he has cold feet and just needs you to tell him that backing out is not an option at this stage. He is a married man with children, he can't just decide to change his mind like this because the commute was a bit harder/longer than he thought it would be

He can commute while he looks for something closer - it's only 60 miles for goodness sake!

joanofarchitrave · 01/10/2013 23:55

If he gave up his job now, could you cope financially?

Could he look into lift shares? Or is it the pure time it will take, however the commute is done, that he can't fit with the job?

MrsCakesPremonition · 01/10/2013 23:56

I think your DH needs to be a bit more proactive about finding solutions, rather than just pulling the plug on all your plans at such notice.

What exactly was the problem with the 60 mile commute. I know plenty of people who commute further than that daily. Would it be more comfortable in a car? Perhaps buying him a small second hand car would be cheaper than renting during the week?

MairzyDoats · 02/10/2013 00:03

Is there a colleague or friend who can rent him their spare room for a couple of months? He could do the commute a couple of days a week and stay closer to work on the other week days. Of course you can't back out now!!

littleoaktree · 02/10/2013 00:07

If the commute was going to be such a problem for him then why on earth didn't he think to test it out before you sold your house/resigned from job etc?

60 miles is not that far, how long does it take? Obviously you can't pull out of the move now so he has to decide whether he commutes daily or weekly until he finds a new job. That's his decision and his problem to sort out - as he should have done before deciding to relocate

Original poster

Movingdilemma · 02/10/2013 00:33

Thanks all. It's the first thread I've started so I was a bit nervous about getting any replies. What you all say is very true (littleoaktree we have had that conversation tonight!)

I think he has just got cold feet and panicked because it wasn't what he expected. He did a longish commute by motorbike for several years so I think he thought it would be the same as that. It ended up taking 90 minutes (one-way) which was longer than he expected. A car is not really an option as the commute is along the M25 so a motorbike allows him to filter in and out of the traffic. There are various options for him to stay during the week (we have a campervan so he could stay on a site fairly cheaply in that although it wouldn't exactly be luxurious). Commuting for a couple of days and staying up for the rest might also be an option.

Thanks again for your replies. It's helped me to clarify the options which I'll present to him tomorrow (which will not include pulling out).

OP posts:

BlameItOnTheBogey · 02/10/2013 01:47

Moving - DH and I have just come through a period of being apart as we relocated. I moved with the kids and DH, for work reasons, stayed at the old location until his could join us some months later. We were further apart (continents, in fact) so we didn't get to see each other at weekends. But it was ok. Our kids are 5 and 3 and we all managed. It helped knowing there was an end point in sight. You can do this. I'd suggest that he lives there during the week and comes home at the weekend. But make sure he is active in looking for other options starting now.

Unexpected · 02/10/2013 08:39

I don't think such a long commute or being apart during the week are ideal but it wouldn't be forever. However, it sounds like your husband hasn't even started looking for a job yet and given resignation dates for teachers etc. he needs to devote his energy to that, rather than deciding without giving it a fair try that the move won't work. At worst, perhaps he could stay a few nights in the camper van and then use that to drive home once mid-week? Presumably, given teaching hours and your children's ages, they don't see a lot of him during the week anyway?

Potterer · 02/10/2013 10:13

I agree with chipping he is a married man, he doesn't have the luxury of putting himself first.

I have relocated twice with Dh's job. First time away from my home town, where I left my job, friends and family. Second time with a toddler Ds1 and I left my job again and not only some lovely friends but someone who I consider to be my best friend. I still see her every few months but we are 3 hours apart.

Dh worked in the new location for over a month before I could join him so I was a single parent Monday - Friday.

It was best move for our family, it moved us closer to both our families, better schools, better location, better job prospects.

Your Dh can't just change his mind, I am sure that lots of people don't like their commute to work but it won't be forever. He needs to start looking for jobs now. As a teacher in a senior post surely his notice period is long so similarly anyone leaving a post that he could take would also have given notice.

He needs to stop moaning, pull his socks up and crack on with the job hunt. Sorry to be blunt.

stargirl04 · 02/10/2013 10:18

Two former colleagues of mine moved abroad for work when they lost their jobs - one to Asia and the other to the Middle East. Both were married men with children whose families stayed in the UK.

One I am still in contact with and he moved to Hong Kong because he and his DW didn't want to sell their home and disrupt DD's schooling. DW and DD stayed in the UK and my colleague worked in Asia for a few years, getting home to the UK for visits every 3 months, and is now coming back permanently, having got a job back in Britain.

Where there's a will there's a way!

SoonToBeSix · 02/10/2013 10:27

I think your dh needs to suck it up. 90 minutes is a perfectly normal commute for many people and as you say it's not going to be forever.

specialsubject · 02/10/2013 11:33

should have thought of that one earlier, sorry.

fortunately it is for a limited period. Weaving in and out of the traffic in the rush hour, on a motorbike when he isn't 25 any more is a quick route to A and E or worse. Regardless of how good he used to be on a bike.

buy a car for a few hundred quid and make the arrangements for staying over until he can change job.

NorthPolo · 02/10/2013 12:12

We are doing exactly the same as you OP right now. My DH also had a few wobbles after his first trial run of the commute last weekend, particularly about how much he will miss the children. Ours are also 3 and 1 and see so little of him during the week that I really don't think it will make a massive difference, they can Skype him before bedtime for a story.

Our relocation is 100 miles so DH will put them in bed on Sunday evening and leave after that, then he will be back on Thursday evening. It was impossible to line everything up so that he had a new job just as we found somewhere to live and make it fit in with school applications. Something had to give and neither of us wanted it to be dc having to change schools.

It will be fine once you get into it but your DH shouldn't discount working away during part of the week, children are really adaptable and they will gain so much from being near family in the long run (that's our hope anyway!)

PigletJohn · 02/10/2013 13:49

Long commutes are not fine

Working away from home is not fine.

servingwench · 02/10/2013 13:58

My dh commutes 57 miles each way every day. It's shit, but it was a promotion. Your dh will have to do it for a short time and hope a position comes up nearer. Doesn't sound like you can undo all that has been done now!

HormonalHousewife · 02/10/2013 14:46

Well yes 60 miles is a long commute and will take up a lot of family time

BUT for crying out loud its not forever - only until he finds something he is happy with.

It sounds like you have done so much and are so close to having that ideal life. It would be rubbish to just jack it all in now.

How would you feel this time next year if you are still where you are now ?

Your DH is just getting cold feet (completely normal) but really he's got to get over it !

goingtobefree · 02/10/2013 15:01

How many of you telling that 60 mile commute is fine travel 60 miles for work everyday ?
I commute nearly 30 miles everyday and I absolutely hate it, could have relocated near my job but DH does not want to and Dd is settled in a good school.
If it is for short time then he can live near his job , rearrange his job so he can be home 3days of the week. Being a teacher, he will have school holidays as well.

SconeInSixtySeconds · 02/10/2013 15:03

I agree Piglet. Long commutes are shit and working away from home is worse, but sometimes you must suck it up and look at the long term.

After all buying a house is not a speedy process, the OP's DH knew what was happening and the timescales. He decided not to look for another role, he decided to commute.

And 60 miles isn't that far - it really isn't. People commute 90minutes each way every day. It is tiring and annoying but in this case the DH can look for another role without too much of a headache.

SconeInSixtySeconds · 02/10/2013 15:04

going I commuted 90 minutes each way for 7 years predc. I came to quite like it as a reflective time to myself (I was a teacher too at the time).

goingtobefree · 02/10/2013 15:34

My hope is that there is possibility that my job will change and there is a possibility of relocating 20 minutes from home.
OP- as said before he is getting cold feet, discuss with him and whatever decision you both take, good luck.

MummytoMog · 02/10/2013 16:49

Can he not take the train? Much less stressful, he can read, do marking etc. Even if he has to do a little bit by bike, then train the rest, surely that would be better?

oscarwilde · 02/10/2013 16:51

Can you apply for a school place from your parents address?
Sucking up a daily round trip of 120 miles on a motorbike coming into winter is a big ask, regardless of the amount of time that the OP's DH has had to prepare for it, and failed to sort out.
Plus there is a major impact on you if he is not around Monday-Friday

I would beware of the "you've made your bed, now lie in it" approach.

You could simply present the facts and hope he comes around:
Your job has gone and been filled for this academic year (presumably) so there is an immediate loss of income.
The nursery place for DC1 and DC2 is gone, removing your ability to secure a replacement job.
By not moving, you lose out on free childcare for DC2? (You don't mention having secured a place for DC2 - are your parents helping out if you are part-time?)
If he commuted on a Monday morning, came home on Tuesday/Wed night and then on Friday there are advantages. He could get all his marking done mid week and have entire free weekends with the kids. He could join a gym, do an evening course, take on extra responsibility at school for the year that would be good CV fodder.
There's a strong case for buying a car as a back up regardless.

PigletJohn · 02/10/2013 17:13

60 miles each way, on a bike, including the M25, winter, come rain, shine, snow and ice?

I won't upset you with the details but I really wouldn't recommend it.

DaisyBD · 02/10/2013 17:33

A long commute driving is a lot worse than a long commute on a train/tube, and even that is shit. Anything over an hour really is rubbish. I used to commute daily to the city from 17 miles away (on a train and tube) and it took 90 minutes each way on a good day, and regularly two hours or more. I hated it after the first year.

Now I commute 45 miles by car, and I hate that too - I find it utterly exhausting, and it only takes 75 minutes. I have increased my working day by two hours so I can be at home on Fridays, and I stay near the office two nights, fortunately with family so it doesn't cost anything. It is still knackering, and not great being apart from my family. Maybe I'm just getting a bit old, who knows.

But I agree with PPs - he just has to suck it up for now, really, and look for another job when you've moved. It's shit, but hopefully not forever. Good luck with the move.

ILikeBirds · 02/10/2013 17:56

I can feel sympathy for your husband having bitten off more than he can chew. I got a new job confident that the 30 mile commute wouldn't be a problem and ended up finding a new one 8 weeks later as the commute was just a killer. I don't know what the fair solution would be in this case though.

You're also very brave resigning and cancelling nursery places prior to exchange!

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