Supposed to be relocating next week but DH has changed his mind! (Long)

[Movingdilemma]

I wasn't sure if this was the best place to post, but hope someone can offer advice. DH and I have been planning for a year or so to relocate from our current location to be nearer my family. We have two DC (3 and 1). The eldest is due to start school next year and the timing of school applications means that we have to move now if we're to be sure of getting a place (Good schools in the area tend to be oversubscribed, so it would be difficult to arrange to get in somewhere if we moved later on).

We've sold our house and had an offer accepted on one near a good school, a few minutes from my parents. We're due to exchange contracts at the end of this week. It was difficult to time finding a new job, selling the house and applying for schools so DH decided to keep his existing job for the time being. He thought he could do the commute (60 miles each way) by motorbike. However, he tried it for the first time today and decided he won't be able to do it every day. He is completely stressed and on the verge of saying he doesn't want to move.

Trouble is, it's so late in the day. I have resigned from my (part-time) job, cancelled nursery places and enrolled eldest DC in a new nursery. I have an interview for a new job. Nearly all our stuff is packed up.

I have suggested he stays near his job during the week and commutes weekly, but he is concerned about the impact on his relationship with the children. We are both teachers, so theoretically he should be able to find a new job in our new area fairly easily, but he is quite senior and thinks it will take a while to find an appropriate position. I think he should be able to get something by next September at the latest. Do you think a weekly commute would be doable for this time period?

I don't know what to say if he decides he doesn't want to go. Am I placing too much emphasis on applying for schools? We have no particular ties to our current location by the way.

Was just wondering what others think. Thanks for reading!

I have done a 60 mile commute each way for 11 years now - 5 yrs full time pre-children and 6 years part-time (3 days a week). Ok, its not the M25, although its the M62 which by all accounts can be just as bad!

I think you've made the decision as a family and you obviously need to stand by that. If he thinks he can't do the commute (although really can't see why not) ehst about doing it by motorbike Mon & Tues, then taking the campervan across on a Wed, doing a very late night on a Wed (so he can leave at a reasonsble time the other nihhts / he's done his marking/ prep etc) comes home in the campervan on a Thursday evening and motorbike again on a Friday. I think its about a) him being proactive in finding a job near your new location as soon as possible and b) you being creative as a couple about how you manage the commute / him staying away as few nights as possible snd recognising its just for the short term.

Good luck!

Does he have to drive? How about train or bus? Car pool/share? If you agree it's only short/medium term he may be able to deal with it a bit better...has he been actively looking for a move while all the house buying/selling etc has been ongoing?!

The motorcycle part is what I think the real problem is. It's very dangerous and filtering in and around cars on the m25 going at breakneck speed in winter conditions is just not an option. Either he gets a car and/or commutes weekly or, actually, it isn't too late to back out of the move. If you asked for your pt job back do you think you'd get it?

And 60 miles each way is a very long commute! I do 70 total per day and or me that's more than enough.

My DH commutes 95 mins each way and it is really hard going. However if it is just short term and he can stay local to his work a couple if nights, then that's fine.

What are you all gaining from your move?

My husband has a 4 hour daily commute I have an hour commute. Of course it's do-able, but whether he is prepared to do it is a different matter.

Poor you. I feel the same as the others who have asked why he has only just tested the commute now. I think you just have to support him best you can and hope he gets something soon.

Thanks again for all the perspectives. I think we've knocked the motorbike idea on the head - I was never in favour of it but he initially persuaded me it could be done. Whoever posted above about him not being in his 20s any more was spot on! Looks like he'll have to come to some arrangement with staying up during the week and potentially come back mid-week on the train. Train commutes are possible but take 2 hours each way so maybe a bit much to do daily.

With hindsight we've gone about this the wrong way of course. Initially we had planned for him to find a job starting in September, staying with my Mum and Dad if necessary and then the rest of us to come down when the house was sold. Then we got worried as the house took a while to sell so he thought he'd better not resign his position. And obviously he should have practised the journey earlier, although he didn't have the motorbike until last week. Hindsight is a wonderful thing of course!

DH has already applied for one job and will apply to anything that sounds feasible, so hopefully this will only be for a short while. I plan never to move again after this!

He might also want to try experimenting with starting his journey at different times. DH found that his commute was a lot slower if he left home at the obvious time, but when he left 15mins earlier it knocked about 1/3 off the commute time. It means he gets into work earlier than he strictly needs to, but the journey is less stressful and he has time to do some preparation and eat some breakfast before the main working day starts.