Is it ok to let him do this commute for me?

[Hmm24]

Almost two years ago I left my friends, parents and job in a part of London I had lived in all my life to follow my then boyfriend now husband to Cambridge where he'd found a really good job.
I did not gel with the place from the start and despite having studied here, worked here, joined a gym etc I am still miserable and know this is not where I want to live and bring up kids (despite the river and the colleges and the quiet).

I want to move back to London before having my first child so that I am nearer friends and family and don't end up getting severely depressed because I am so isolated. My husband also prefers London life and said that regardless of me, he would prefer to live in London.
Rather than moving back to Richmond where we used to live and where my parents are we are looking at moving to Stroud Green within walking distance of Finsbury Park. This would mean a 1.05 hour train journey for my husband with ten minutes walk/bus/bike to the door at either end. I don't think that would be too gruelling?
I would not ask him to do this were I not so unhappy (anxiety, depression) and did I not know that having access to my family and friends and just the buzz of London would make all the difference. After all if we have a child ( which we plan soon) it is important that I am in a city where I do not feel totally isolated and which I like as he will be in the office all day and it's fairly irrelevant where that is.

I know people move here to Cambridge to have more green space etc for their kids but I just find it a lonely and dull place. Please don't tell me I am selfish, I know from having a mother that was depressed when I was small that it's important for a woman to be happy as well as a man. I would like to know if you think this commute is unreasonable or to just have some support.

That's the length of my commute

In London it's fairly standard

If your DH is ok with it, then go for it

It sounds like you've made up your mind already and your husband is happy with the decision so I'm not quite sure what you're asking?

I'm going to be honest - if my DH was the sole earner then his work would take precedence and I would compromise to make that as easy as possible for him. To be fair, you have done that and it hasn't worked and so you're moving - given that your husband is happy with this, I don't see what the problem is.

Commuting is tedious, expensive and tiring but you balance that with being able where you want - my only advice would be to rent at first which gives you greater flexibility.

I used to commute into London from the suburbs, allowing 1.5 hours to get to work, so it is doable. I think you should look at the finances as well - London house prices plus a season ticket between London and Cambridge.

to live missing, sorry!

Yes, should also add, it's not that long a commute by London standards - I do the same but I do hate it - but then, I travel across London, your DH will head out of London on a mainline train, which is much nicer IMHO.

Agree with all the other comments so far.

• check season ticket cost + planned accom cost is ok
• remember 1.5hrs will be best case as trains don't always run on time!
• how workable this is with you once you have a baby. It might be ok if you are moving back to an area with friends/family support, but the amount of involvement your husband will be able to have will be limited (obviously depends whether he has a 9-5 job or an 8-6).

Commuting is awful (although your husband will generally be going against the traffic). Is there any chance he can get a London-based/Surrey-based job and you can move back to the area you like as you may feel just as isolated in a neighbourhood where you don't know anyone and your family are still the best part of an hour away.

I think you will have started from a position of "this move would be good for me. Is it ok for him?".

I'd turn it slightly on its head and say that if he works a 9-5.30 day then he will be out of the house from (slight contingency) 7.15-7.15. That means that once your baby is past the early stages and has a routine, there is a good chance he'll be gone before the boy/girl wakes up and will arrive home after/as they are going to bed.

That isn't ideal for either of you - he may feel like a part-time dad (only seeing the child at weekends) and you will have to do without his help on weekdays.

Plenty of people manage like this, I'm just highlighting problems you haven't hit yet as the baby isn't here!

I'd agree with lala and say could you move, and then he starts looking for a closer job.

PS I say all of this as someone who has done lots and lots of commuting whilst having babies/toddlers. Pre parenthood my longest commute was a regular 2.5hrs each way - eurgh.

Is that each way? He'll have no life during the week, will never see the kid during the week and you can expect no help during the week.

most people work a lot longer than 9 to 5:30 due to the shocking presenteeism culture. So you will be both be miserable, and you will be isolated. Sounds like a recipe for disaster?

nothing wrong with moving to London - but why not go somewhere nearer his job?

Is it more important for you to see your friends, or for you and your (future) children to see your husband? Inless he can do flecibke working, with that commute its unlikely he will see the children at all during the week, and you may feel more like a single parent than a family. It's do-able, but there's a high risk of future dissatisfaction and resentment on both sides.

My dh does Cambridge to London every day (unless he needs to be even further) so it is doable. And coming out he would be more likely to get a seat I would imagine. The train has Internet so he does work emails etc.

But he won't see the baby in the week - ours are older now - 8+ and they still aren't always up when dh gets home (no one is up when he goes in the morning!). We lived closer when the children were younger, but he was still normally gone 7:30-7:00, so they didn't always see him even then.

If the trains are delayed it can also add to the journey (this normally happens when dh makes a special effort to be home early)

If you can afford it and your dh is happy, then do it. We moved here because it was best for the children really, making it easier for their schools/after school things, not because it was best for dh (that would be west London I think)

Thanks for all this advice and point taken about seeing the children. Of course I want my husband to see any potential children during the week. Neither of us want to live in a commuter town between Cambridge and London- it's one or the other. North London is a compromise to get him as close as possible to Kings Cross but it's an interesting area which I think we will both enjoy.

He arrives at work any time between 9-9.30 ( would leave the house at 7 or 7.30) and leaves between 5.30 and 5.30. Some days he could be home by 7 others it would be 8. I plan to drive him to the station and pick him up whenever I can. I may not see my family and friends all the time no but knowing they are in easy travelling distance is important psychologically. Do all children have to be in bed by 7pm and sleep until after 7pm? I really don't know young ones sleeping habits to advice is much appreciated. Thanks everyone.

It's not a case of babies having to be in bed by 7 but I always found myself completely exhausted by that time when mine were little so, in order to stop them getting too cranky (mine weren't great day nappers) and to give myself time to eat and have a little wind down time before I went to bed, I found it best to get them in the bath by 7, bed before 8. It seems to work best for most people.

Well congratulations to your DP in having a job that he can do from 9-5!

No, not all children need to sleep those fixed hours, and many more don't get the chance to. However, I used to drive my DP to and from work on the days I worked but once DC came we felt it was unacceptable to get them out of bed before they were naturally awake (he leaves at 6) and it was too much of a gamble to assume he would be home on time at night, trains being somewhat variable.

Most people start trying to get children in a routine somewhere between 2 and 6 months old. Our first has always been quite late to bed (8 or even 8.30) but he does tend to sleep in until 7.30. We've friends whose children go to bed at 7 but are up at 5.30. It all depends - and sadly on the child rather than what you want!

Once you have a baby/toddler you may find yourself giving him a lift to/pick up from the station every now and then, but it's impossible to imagine how disruptive children are until you're there! My partner is currently getting between 3 and 5 hrs sleep with our (not so new)born, and breezily taking me to the station isn't on the cards.

Wherever you decide to live, you may find it's easier to 'settle' and build up a circle of friends during pregnancy/early parenthood - things like NCT/NHS antenatal classes, baby classes etc are a good way to get a new bunch of friends and put down the beginnings of roots.

You will not want to be giving him a lift to the station when you have a baby. No way! The baby will decide to puke/poo/need a feed/go to sleep just at the time you need to leave to get him/drop him off. It will drive you totally mad. You need an alternative way to get him to/from the station.

Sometimes you can make things work better if your job/employer is more flexible. I have a pretty demanding job which requires ~10-12 hrs a day. My normal day looks like this (exc. the baby parts which my partner does much more of at the moment):

6.30 up/ready/put stuff in car
7.15-8 get toddler up & ready
8-8.30 take to nursery
8.30-9.30 drive to work
9.30-5.30 work at work
5.30-6.30 drive home
6.30-7.15 toddler bath, get ready for bed etc
7.15-8 toddler wind down/snack/tv etc
8-~8.20 toddler to bed/story/battle to get down ok
8.30-9.30 one or other makes dinner and we eat
between 10 and 10.30 partner goes to bed
10.30-12.30 work at home
1-6.30 sleep

So I don't work as many hours in the office as my job requires/peers do. I arrive later/leave earlier so I get to help at both ends (and see them!) but the downside is that I get to bed late.

yes the area round kings cross is 'interesting' but not necessarily the most child friendly....there are countless threads of people moving out/away from that area when near school time etc.. and it is very different to Richmond area.. I would honestly think about your timescales...if you are planning to move back and work for a bit and kids are a few years away then do it...but taking him to/from the station will be a nightmare with small kids and its a traffic disaster zone in rush hour (6am onwards)
If your thinking longer term then check out what you will be able to afford and schools as well....as RC says having kids can really connect you to an area....

Well, say you need 8 hours sleep a night OP, and you got woken up repeatedly when you'd only had 6... how cheerful and pleasant to live with would you be?

Babies and small children (even school age) generally need somewhere between 11 and 13 hours sleep a night (caveat, they're all different). 12 is a good average once the routines settle down. Of course you can put them to bed at 8, and start your day at 8 (or 6 to 6), but I don't think you can be up for our dh in the morning and your dh is in for bedtime.

Once the children are at pre-school (age 2.5 to3) and then school (so they have to be up earlier), most families I know have brought bedtimes forward to 7 or before, if they weren't already.

your dh! This isn't relationships

Although given he seems to have a short should be bloody standard working day, which is a bit flexible, the commute may be just do-able. Can he work from home ever?. But be aware it will be much much harder than if you live closer and he can help you with mornings and evenings. Especially with two children - trying to get a baby and a toddler to bed single handed is enough to drive you to tranquillisers.

It sounds as if you'd both prefer to live in London...how does DH feel about looking for a job back in London? Glad the Cambridge job has/is working out well for him, but if you're both gravitating back towards family/lifestyle in London then maybe looking for a job there in the long run might work out the best?

Realistically, he won't have an hour commute, it'll end up being more like an extra 30 minutes every day. If he leaves work on time, best you can hope for is he sees your DCs 10 minutes each night, possibly the same in the morning. Keeping htem up to see him will lead to over tired and cranky DCs. Getting them up early to see him will mean they are grumpy in the day. I wouldn't do it.

How many of your friends in London are stay at home mums now/intend to be long term? How many intend to stay in that part of London? You might find you have to effectively start from scratch in London anyway.

I moved out of London when 7 months pregnant, I knew noone. However, I joined NCT classes, threw myself into going to baby and toddler groups and made a new group of friends, many of whom had lived in this area for years, but a) had never met before and b) found all their other local friends weren't about in the day so they didn't see them all that much and needed to make new friends anyway.

I have a DH who's home for 5 - 5:30pm most nights, don't underestimate the benefit of this. He has a good couple of hours with DS every night before bed time. If you stay where you are, your DH would have so much more quality time with any DCs. Not as important when little, but when they are say 18 months onwards, this a great for both of them.

Thanks again everyone. Really good advice although I am really worried now about the logistics with a small child/children. The other thing is that my parents are in their early 80s and at some point I am going to want to be able to get to them quickly should they need me and I just feel too far away here (my one brother lives overseas). I appreciate that I might meet more people when I have a baby but I have found it really hard to meet people here. My husband won't change jobs in the near future - perhaps in 3-5 years time. Thanks for all the really useful information you sent.

How long was his commute when you lived in London? Even when I was reasonably close to work, it never took less than half an hour.

His commute varied as he was working in different places, that's the thing this job has been his chance to get settled. The thing is that both of us have to be happy, I don't think it is only his needs that are important. Of course I want him to have time with any children we have and not have a stressful journey but I do not want to be isolated and unhappy here when it is a matter of 1.30 mins door to door. I don't know how much help he is going to be when he gets home as I do 98% of work in the house. He is great with children though. Do most people with children have their partners home at 5.30 or 6pm? It seems very ideal. Property is no more expensive in the area we are looking than it is in Cambridge the extra costs would be the commute £4k a year. I have said that I would cover this cost personally although he refused. I am now really worried about his not getting time with any children we have. I feel like I don't have any choices anymore.