Is it ok to let him do this commute for me?

[Hmm24]

Almost two years ago I left my friends, parents and job in a part of London I had lived in all my life to follow my then boyfriend now husband to Cambridge where he'd found a really good job.
I did not gel with the place from the start and despite having studied here, worked here, joined a gym etc I am still miserable and know this is not where I want to live and bring up kids (despite the river and the colleges and the quiet).

I want to move back to London before having my first child so that I am nearer friends and family and don't end up getting severely depressed because I am so isolated. My husband also prefers London life and said that regardless of me, he would prefer to live in London.
Rather than moving back to Richmond where we used to live and where my parents are we are looking at moving to Stroud Green within walking distance of Finsbury Park. This would mean a 1.05 hour train journey for my husband with ten minutes walk/bus/bike to the door at either end. I don't think that would be too gruelling?
I would not ask him to do this were I not so unhappy (anxiety, depression) and did I not know that having access to my family and friends and just the buzz of London would make all the difference. After all if we have a child ( which we plan soon) it is important that I am in a city where I do not feel totally isolated and which I like as he will be in the office all day and it's fairly irrelevant where that is.

I know people move here to Cambridge to have more green space etc for their kids but I just find it a lonely and dull place. Please don't tell me I am selfish, I know from having a mother that was depressed when I was small that it's important for a woman to be happy as well as a man. I would like to know if you think this commute is unreasonable or to just have some support.

Well, you don't have to have children. They are the biggest choice limiter on earth.

In answer to your question, most people I know have their partners helping on one end of the day. Eg going in very early before the household is awake, and then home by 6, or vice versa. This isn't about his time with the children though (well, a bit, but that's up to him to decide what he's happy with), but about him being there to help you at the hard times of day. Or if he is not there, you being happy with that.

Are you sure that moving to an area of London where you don't know anyone will solve your problems? I can't see how it would help much, you'll still be an hour or so away from your family and friends. Meeing people via nct/baby group will happen wherever you are hen you have dcs. I think what I'm tring to say is are you sure you aren't blaming the place when you should be blaming the situation? (no job, husband doesn't help much etc)

I can see why you're so keen to move to somewhere where you'll have friends and plenty to do, but I'd worry that it's coming at the expense of your DH's support of you and time with your child, and that then you might end up no better off.

Could you wait until you've had the baby before you move? That way you'll be able to balance the importance to you of being nearer your family and friends with the importance of having your DH closer to home?

I'd like to reiterate what Dontmindifido has said.

We moved from London to Kent just after DD was born. I was worried that I'd be very lonely and isolated. However, I have made some wonderful friends through my local children's centre and baby groups.

I did NCT antenatal and post natal courses in London and just didn't click with anyone so was nervous about trying again but it was worth it. I now love where we live as its opened up an entirely new part of it.

It depends a lot on your family and friends lives too. My mum lived at the opposite end of London to me (Putney vs Beckenham) and so it took her ages to visit (it's actually faster now as more direct train). I also didn't see my friends much as they didn't have children and were working / partying / doing lovely child free things.

Now some of them are settling down and they are moving out of London too.

What I'm trying to say through this ramble is that London might not solve the problem, and that it is very hard to anticipate how you'll feel and what life will be like post baby.

Dd is 9 months now, she goes to bed at 7 and gets up between 6 and 7. DH does an hour commute and doesn't see her during the week it makes him sad. He's looking for something nearer.

Obviously your situation is different, and I really hope you find a compromise. Being isolated and lonely is rubbish. Good luck

Well, to be honest, if you have children and a job, you are limited in your choices, though that doesn't mean you have none of course.

However you don't have children yet, and it's a long time til any you do have are in school, which is the real killer for limiting choice. So I would move - try it out. You can always move back.

Thanks for all this. I would be happy to wait and have a child and then see but my husband now won't even discuss anything but moving as I have been so miserable and he just wants to come home to a happier wife. I don't expect to see friends and family all the time but the odd dinner with friends would make all the difference and just being able to visit my parents by train. My OH's family are all overseas and he has one friend that I have met in this country so my connections are really important. I am from London and love the city. Since we have been here I have not been myself( don't sleep well, often ill, v down), almost two years now so I have given it a go. I came here with no idea I would feel this way and the best of intentions.

I think you have really already made up your mind! If you are really miserable where you are then moving is certainly an option especially whilst you are child free!
However I would also sound a note of caution for when DC come along. My DH has always commuted at least 1.5 hours to work. There are several down sides namely
He never sees the kids in the week- at either end
He was not around to help at all when they were small, he isn't now but as they are older things have got easier. But two (or three in my case) small kids and no help and bed time is sheer hell day after day after day.
Although I have my head round it more now they are older it is making things more difficult in other ways. He is never here to ferry them to anything leaving me dragging all three around most evenings to various clubs- this is a long way off for you tho!
I never go out in the week in the evenings. he cannot get home in time for me to go to most activities like exercise classes etc. which always seem to start at seven! Unless I want to fork out a fiver an hour for a teenager to sit on my sofa!
My mum is about 30 mins away which has been a godsend in this situation.
Also I lived here before kids and knew no one. When I had DC1 I was lonely but since I have thrown myself into kiddie stuff I have a wonderful circle of friends and love where I live. It is really true that having kids opens up a totally new world. It is so much easier to make friends as you have so much to talk about!
But as you are child free most of this is not applicable. The commute itself is not unusual and he will be going against the flow so should avoid the standing up for the whole time bit! Just remember commuting works fine until you want to be somewhere and DH getting home is crucial..then it will fail spectacularly!!

I really don't see the reason for the angst. You rent put your place in Cambridge, rent somewhere in Stroud Green and see how you feel. If it doesn't work out, you move back.

As someone who lived in highboy pre-kids and now lives in the sticks, I'd personally rather chew my right arm off than bring a child up in London with the lack of open spaces/proper gardens and with the huge battles to find a good school, but that's just me. I have friends that love London, even with kids.

One thing I'd say is a cert, though. The friends you have pre-kids may well be totally different from the friends you have post-kids. Your whole mind-set changes. I can understand wanting to be closer to family, but moving to be closer to your mates when you're at a stage in your lives when you are probably going to grow in different directions sounds like a big risk.

I found that having my daughter opened up a whole new area of friendship. I have friends that I made at toddler group, mum friends from school and friends from church, plus the friends I already had. You might find that if you are the first in your friendship group to have a baby you won't see very much of your old friends anyway.

So, moving back to London might not be the answer anyway.

Thanks. All advice noted with appreciation.

My DH leaves home most days at 7.30 and gets home just before 7pm. (1.45 each way due to train times)

Are you planning to return to work after having children?

I wanted to live close to family in my home city, and we moved here a while before having DD 2 years ago.

Whilst I was on mat leave that wasn't too much of an issue as I shifted DD and mines day so that she went to bed at 8.30pm and we could spend some family time together. The other benefit was that she slept later in the mornings too (I was lucky I know!)

Once I returned to work it had to change, we have to be out the house for 8 and so DD cant stay awake as late or she is grumpy and over tired. Some days DH barely sees her for 15 minutes but he normally does the bedtime routine as soon as he walks in the door.

Unfortunately the nice family meals every evening I had envisioned are impossible, and it can be hard work with little input from him during the week.

I'm now pregnant with twins, and it is looking like even harder work for me , but jobs are hard to find where we live and the position is secure in his current company.

I would second the idea of renting initally while you try out the commute and how it works for you both.

OP do you know Stroud Green well? I used to live there and found it pretty rough edgy. Finsbury Park is grim interesting too.

Oh but I wouldn't worry about the commute I commute 3 hours per day and I cope

Surely it's only '1:30 door to door' for you as well? Couldn't you travel to London at weekends for dinners with friends and stay overnight with one of them (also possible with a baby if friends prepared to accommodate)? And you're really not that far away if you need to get to your parents.

I'm going against the grain a bit, but I don't think it's fair to expect this commute from him long-term, actually.

We moved 18mo, for dh's job, from a city we loved living in and where we had help with the dc to a small town where we knew nobody. We didn't want to go, but you just get on with it, tbh. I've thrown myself into life here and made friends.

18mo ago, I mean.

The renting suggestion is a good one.

Just wanted to add that my DH was made redundant whilst I was pregnant with our DS. Applied to lots of jobs, the one he got was a 2 hour drive each way (longer when the M25 was troublesome, i.e. often) but he went for it as he wasn't working and I was about to go on ML. On a regular day he left at 630 and got home around 8. However, even before then he worked long ish hours in London and was out 7-8 anyway so it wasn't much different to our expectations.

As a result, no he didn't see our son during the week at all. I did a 7-7 routine from early on, especially because he was never there I think so i had had enough by 7pm. But, though far from ideal, it wasn't that bad, we managed fine and I don't recall fretting about it, it was just how it was. We did start looking for a more local job for him about 2 years on and he now is out of the house roughly 730-615 which we still relish and think it's really lovely, the evenings are so looong! The driving did take its toll on him, he was pretty tired but it was doable and we've no regrets.

Good luck

OP it doesn't sound like you work so I assume this isn't an issue but if you're set on moving to London, wouldn't it make more sense to go where your friends actually are rather than somewhere in the middle that doesn't suit either your or your DH's needs. Are you sure it's where you live that's causing your anxiety? Maybe worth talking to your GP?

This may be a bit disjointed

As already suggested, temporary renting sounds like a good idea.

Are you really sure that an inbetween commuter town wouldn't work?

Have you thought about schools? It may seem like a long way off but it can be a crucial matter.

I agree with everyone saying that once you have a baby it really opens up your social network. There is always lots to do with DC's and lots of different ways to meet people.

What about staying with you parents for a night each week. You could meet up with friends and hang out with your parents. Your DH may not mind as long as you are happier.

I have moved a lot and it an easily takes a couple of years before you start feeling at home in an area.

My DH commutes and it's pretty crap for him. .

I think I would do everything possible to avoid such a long commute when you know you want to start a family

He will be out of the house for 12 hours per day minimum. This was the case for us, with 3 v small kids for two years and it was HARD, and totally precluded me being able to work in any meaningful way.

Also, from the perspective of the long view. SCHOOLS.

I would also add how easy it is to make friends when you have a baby. I moved out of London with DH to a town and for 3 yrs we met no one. My baby is now 1 yr old and I have a large circle of friends and lots of acquaintances. I also feel part of the community and find that just having a baby with you means people stop and talk to you and you get to know shop keepers etc. we have also had more old friends and family visiting this year than before as they all want to meet the baby and also realise it is harder for us to travel. For me having my DH home at 6pm when I am shattered with a cranky baby has been the lifesaver. For periods when he works late for a month or so i really start to feel like a single parent and it is tough. I also like the freedom of being able to walk with the buggy or get in the car. The thought of managing a newborn on the tube/ buses filled me with dread ( although I realise others aren't so wet and manage fine! )