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Original poster

I want to move our kitchen - how do I persuade OH?

31 replies

Daisybell1 · 02/06/2012 07:13

It's his family home, he's never lived anywhere else - our dd is the 4th generation to live here.

Traditionally, the family have had a posh side of the house where noone went, and the normal side with the lounge/dining room and small kitchen. Both these rooms are small and so we all pile into them and the rest of the house gets filled with junk lies empty.

I think the rear 'posh' room would make a lovely family kitchen - big enough to take a family dining table. The current kitchen could then become the office, with easy access from the business and the 2 front rooms become a lounge and kids room.

He just can't see it, and I'm starting to lose the will to live trying to explain it.

Does anyone have any ideas?

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 02/06/2012 07:22

Waste an hour or so looking at property porn Do some research on RightMove for similar rooms.

Draw up a floor plan to help him visualise it.

LittlePandaBear · 02/06/2012 10:53

Maybe talk about it in terms of adding value to the house as it would be a more popular layout? Seems a shame to have a room that you don't use!

SoupDragon · 02/06/2012 13:39

I don't think value will be an issue as he won't be thinking of selling given the history. I reckon it needs to be sold to him on the basis of what it adds to family life.

tricot39 · 02/06/2012 14:40

Any chance you can somehow start using the rooms? Then once you get used to using the house in a different way build up to the kitchen suggestion again? Presumably he won't not join you if the rest of the family decide to use the space?

I second the idea of the floor plan. Maybe consider the architect-in-the-house scheme which has a deadline coming up soon and you get a visit for £50 or so. A third party making suggestions might be more neutral. (however we had terrible suggestions from this scheme once so beware it might be a bit nuts....)

Jubilcece · 02/06/2012 14:47

Tell him you want to move because you are hankering after a big kitcheen/family room. Leave house brochure lying around.on't make it too in the face but subtle.

Then sit in potential new kitchen/use it. Mention the lovely view, the size whatever. Point out where thee sink/oven/cupboards/table could go.

Big up the old kitchen as his own ofice/den.

Then get a couple of builders in to give quotes. Leave these lying around for him to see.

Basically try and get him to think it is his idea. Smile Grin

thisisyesterday · 02/06/2012 14:48

is there a compromise?

why do you not use the "posh" side??

could you not knock through to the lounge/diner and make the existing kitchen larger ,or just have it as a kitchen/diner

then use the "posh" side for sitting room and office?

DoingItForMyself · 02/06/2012 14:49

Agree about starting to use the rooms as you intend (clear the new 'kitchen' and put a dining table in there, along with maybe a dresser/cupboard with plates/cutlery etc so that laying the table is easy)

I have a friend who has an extra fridge in her dining room full of drinks, so they are to hand at meal times - might be another 'nod' to the idea that it is now a kitchen?!

I had to convince DH (fortunately before we moved in) to knock down a wall and make our dining room into the kitchen and the kitchen into the dining area with new patio doors onto the garden - it works brilliantly and he admits now that it was definitely the right way to go, but he just couldn't visualise it.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered · 02/06/2012 14:53

Are there any other members of his family that you could get on your side?

Original poster
Daisybell1 · 02/06/2012 22:14

Thanks for all the suggestions, you are all very helpful!

I'm afraid the adding value argument won't work as it's never the intention to sell (although he'll spend money on his rental properties Hmm).

I thought about knocking through between lounge and existing kitchen but the wall is over 3 ft thick and so I hate to think how much work that would be.

The posh side just never seems to have been used - psychologically it feels natural to stay on the smaller side of the house for some reason. And his family just lived on this side, even when there were 4 adults here....

But I don't think that feeling would affect the room's use as a kitchen. I set up a dining table in there, I've tried it as a playroom, but something just doesn't feel right. If it were a kitchen then we'd be forced to use it!

The other posh room at the front is his office which is literally a sea of paper. There is so much wasted space here Sad

I've tried clearing out but there are 4 generations of family crap (not my family so I can't chuck things) cluttering up the place.

He has promised that the architect can come and look round for ideas - he should at least be able to tell me if it's possible and give a ballpark cost.

I've tried nagging via other family members but they don't really get it...

OP posts:
DoingItForMyself · 03/06/2012 10:18

Must be really hard to persuade him that anything needs changing if its been his family home for all these years - do you feel like its your home too?

Maybe you should explain to him that you appreciate the history and family sentiments contained in the house as it is, but that now it needs to work for you and your family. Good sign that he's happy for architect to make suggestions.

WRT to the family junk/paperwork, you need to explain that you don't feel able to sort through it alone so maybe you could find time to go through it together to make sure he's ruthless to get things underway and make the point that you're getting things started one way or another.

Original poster
Daisybell1 · 03/06/2012 11:15

Doingit, you've got it in one. It's not my home, its just where I live. This is probably exacerbated by the knowledge that it will go to dd in the future, and not me.

I'm slowly sorting the family crap but basically I'm living in my dead mother-in-laws house - nothing has changed apart from our room since I moved in...

The sad thing is they ripped out all the Georgian features in the 1950s and replaced them with tiled fireplaces etc. Plus they boxed in all the built in cupboards and then filled the rooms with furniture! I have 3 solid oak sideboards, 2 desks, a bureau and 5 wardrobes all swimming in stuff (anyone want a dinner service? There are 6...)

Brochures and pictures of rooms is a great idea - if I measure it, I should be able to find pictures of kitchens the same size, shouldn't I?

We're coping how things are with dd but I'm pregnant again and so will NOT have enough space for 2 dc as things currently stand. I'd also like to shoehorn in a downstairs loo somewhere, as I don't fancy potty training without one...

Apologies for the rant!

OP posts:
Original poster
Daisybell1 · 03/06/2012 11:21

Right, I've just measured - kitchen is currently 2.5m x 3.25m, whereas back posh room is 4m x 4.25m - that's a fair size for a potential kitchen, isn't it?

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 03/06/2012 13:26

god i think that where the kitchen is is the least of your problems!

i couldn't live in someone else's house, with someone elses crap everyhwhere.

i think it's time for a real heart to heart with him to be honest. explain that you feel as if this isn't your house. that you'd love to make the best use of the space you have and make it YOUR house (by your, i mean yours and his, not just yours!) for your family. say that you feel really limited because you can't change things, or get rid of things.

maybe if he isn't willing to get rid of things, you could use them in his rental properties, or put them in storage?
i think it's really unfair to make you live with someone else's old furniture and decor etc etc just because it has always been this way. you're married to him/his long-term partner, this is your house as much as his isn't it???

thisisyesterday · 03/06/2012 13:27

i'd love a solid oak sideboard if you're getting rid though Grin

DoingItForMyself · 03/06/2012 13:30

Do you think you could swing it by mentioning 'restoring it to its former glory' sort of stuff - revealing the hidden features and reinstating stuff that's been removed so that DD inherits a place that is more akin to the house that her great great grandparents lived in (you could try to get the architect on your side with that part!)

Sounds like it has such a lot of potential and if it were 'yours' you could make it into a really lovely home for you all. Have you mentioned to DH that it feels like its not really your home and that you are borrowing it until it goes to your DD?

I'm sure he'd want you to be happy there and the practicalities like downstairs loo will benefit him too.

Original poster
Daisybell1 · 03/06/2012 16:17

You understand!!! Grin

Restoration is a good tactic, especially as they luckily kept all the old grates and cupboard doors so they could go back in. I think that because he is tight thrifty, he can't see the point in changing his mum's decor as it was very good quality (back in 1986...)

Yesterday - I shall put you down for a sideboard!

I measured the kitchen in my old house today and showed him how long a run of units we'd get in the room - there would be space for everything I'm sure.

I am gradually working on decluttering but I keep hitting bottlenecks by not having enough of the loft boarded out, or enough boxes (we have rats in the roof so everything has to go in plastic tubs). And he magically has to get very busy on the farm when I mention needing help...

Argh, is it just me, or have other people faced this situation???

Thank you again for listening - maybe I should have put this in relationships rather than DIY?!?!?

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 03/06/2012 17:47

WRT to the decluttering, before putting something in a box in the loft, think "Why and I keeping this?" and consider whether you are better off giving/selling it to someone who would use it rather than have it shoved in a loft. Putting stuff in a box in the loft isn't decluttering, it's just shifting the stuff from one place to another. (and I speak as a hoarder who is trying to declutter! :o)

I agree that the "It's not my home" conversation is one you need to have and put the fireplaces/doors back! Thank god someone thought to keep them!

Good luck :)

kitsmummy · 03/06/2012 17:50

I think if you can get the architect on side and get him to rave about turning it into a kitchen diner, then maybe your DH will be swayed once he hears a professional saying it's the right thing to do, rather than just his wife?

thisisyesterday · 03/06/2012 21:23

agree with trying to get rid of stuff.

if there are things that are his/his family's then you need to get him to agree to a set day when you will both go through things together.

do you have your own income? if so i would be sorely tempted to pay soemone to come and board the loft, and for the rats to be eradicated!

Original poster
Daisybell1 · 03/06/2012 22:19

Yesterday, I'm on maternity leave and so no longer have an income. I guess that is making me feel even more vulnerable and powerless here.

TBH I feel perfectly capable of taking the truck to the builders merchant and doing it myself, it's just the time/principle which is holding me back. Oh and lazyness!

I am now nagging for him to book the architect!

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 04/06/2012 10:48

hmm, my plan B is always "i'll call my dad and ask if he can do it for us"

that nearly always gets DP to do things himself ;-)

otherwise, do say "i'm going to the builder's merchants to get X,Y,Z..." and just do it!

Original poster
Daisybell1 · 04/06/2012 11:17

My dad already does all my DIY Sad I'm not on to a winner here, am I?

OP posts:
BehindLockNumberNine · 04/06/2012 12:21

I think you should sell the idea to your dh on the basis of 'making your mark' on the house. His mother was allowed to rip out fireplaces etc and do things to make it 'her' house for the duration she lived there.
Now it is your turn. It is the house you live in because you have married into the family. Whilst you will not inherit it you should have a 'right' to make it a comfortable family home for the many many years you will live there.

Tell him that the way families live has changed over the generations and that part of this is changing the way houses and the rooms therein are used.

If he is a sympathetic husband he should see where you are coming from and at least be open to discussing things wiht you. Smile

And I now have massive house envy...

Original poster
Daisybell1 · 04/06/2012 15:04

Thank you Behind, but I've tried that one Sad he thinks that if it was good enough for his mum then who am I to complain?

But he has emailed the architect! After much nagging, and he's still got to agree to an appt or listen to his ideas but it's a start. God knows how I'm going to get him to put his hand in his pocket and pay for it but I'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Thank you all for listening, I've got to the weeping with frustration stage so it's really helped to vent.

OP posts:
BehindLockNumberNine · 04/06/2012 17:08

But it wasn't good enough for his mum - she was allowed to make changes!!

Hopefully you can get him to understand this is your home too...