does anyone's DP live away for work during the week?

[macred]

DH and I are both from Up North, and have lived down south,about 200 miles away from family for over 10 years. We have 3 DCs (9, 7 &4) and are now thinking seriously about going 'home'. Although we both found the early years hard with no family support, it is now that the kids are getting older that we feel the distance more. We'd like them to get to know their relatives on a more individual basis, rather than the group visits/invasions we do currently. So we are thinking about selling up and heading back.

The big stumbling block is DH's job - he would then have to live down here Mon-Thurs week in, week out. Does anyone else do this, and how has it affected your family relationships? eg you and him, the kids and him, you and the kids. Would you recommend it, or knowing what you know now, do you wish you had never done it.

I'd be really grateful for advice, opinions, thank you.

sorry - not sure this is the right thread for this conversation, but hey ho!

I'm 4 years into DH working alternate weeks in London and DD and I living up north. I'd say don't do it.

It's horrible for DH to have to leave on Sunday night/4am Monday, especially in winter. We had a base in London for a while, but now he stays with about 3 sets of friends. It is horrendously expensive staying in London, even getting a weekday only room in zone 1 or 2.

DD doesn't know any different, and to be honest wouldn't see him anyway during the week if we still lived down south. DH is missing a lot of her school stuff now though, which i know he hates doing. I like my own company so don't miss DH too much.

Bear in mind DH only works away alternate weeks, and I would still say don't do it.

I live mostly in Europe and my dh works up North in UK. It has worked ok for us. Not ideal, but fine. The main thing is to have your own lives, so there is not too much stress about being apart.

I too would say don't do it. We moved further north as my husband had a job which allowed him to work from home. Within months he had been made redundant so then took any work which he could in all parts of the UK and on occasion in Europe.

I would take him to the station first thing on a Monday morning and pick him up around 7pm on a Friday. I feel my boys really missed out having their Dad around during their junior school years. My eldest son became a school refuser (don't know if that was anything to do with his Dad being away) and getting all my children to school on time became a nightmare.

It made me completely financially dependent on my husband as we couldn't share the childcare and jobs round here don't pay enough to justify the cost of the childcare.

Yes, I'd say don't do it unless you absolutely have to. We've just come out of about 6 months of DH working away from home Monday to Friday and we all found it extremely tough. First of all really tough on the relationship - it certainly changed our dynamic and if you start to go through a patch of not getting on it seems hard to get the status quo back when you're largely communicating by phone. Also physically exhausting for DH, and I think for us he started to feel a bit isolated from the family unit, at one point likening himself to "a donkey being worked to death on a Spanish beach" (!! - this could just be my DH and his knack for guilt-tripping ). But the fact that he was missing so much of our DCs development really was tough for him, he got quite depressed by it.

Is there no way he could get similar work up north?

Watching with interest. Similar (short-term) plan and dire warnings from everyone. Hmph.

We did it for 6 years and got on ok. DH found it tiring more than anything else, but then he would work himself silly Mon-Thu as he didn't need to rush home. Didn't impact the kids at all and if there was anything really important he would come home, bit of a faff but do-able.

We've now relocated and to be honest he doesn't see any more of the kids than before (gone before they're up, home after bedtime) but he feels better about actually physically being around. My kids are younger than yours though, we had them mid-commute!

My daily routine was not affected by him not being there as he never was around during the day anyway and we would talk every evening, probably much more than we do now so it didn't impact on our relationship at all. We couldn't have done it for so long if it had.

Opposite to you though, we moved away from family and that has been difficult, I'm constantly weighing up whether a couple of hours of him getting under my feet in the evening is better than having all that support around!

Big decision, good luck with it x

I did it for some years and would not recommend it. There was a very high rate of marital breakdown among my male and female colleagues.

The Sunday night/Monday morning journey is horrible.

I like to see my own home in daylight sometimes.

I stopped doing it after a borderline-survivable crash on a Friday.

I think it is do-able for a fixed term - my Dad did it for a few months years ago but always knew it was only for a few months, which makes a big difference. There's no way I'd do it long term....too hard on your relationship, and too tough on the kids relationship with their Dad. However nice it would be to have family nearby, your DH is your kids closest family.

I would agree - don't do it if you have a choice. You can survive, you will survive, but life will not be as much fun. My husband misses the kids, misses the school things. Jobs rarely become more flexible, his became less flexible as the boss changed. His one day a week at home became an office day. He now sees the kids at the weekend.

We too were warned by friends and didn't think it would be as bad as they said. It's worse...

We now have more support in the day, but it is nothing compared to the days when Daddy did breakfast and helped put the washing away and read stories and picked them up from school....

So if you have a choice, don't do it.

I'm doing this temporarily and have friends and relatives who are doing it on a permanent basis.
It's hard and I can see how it could split people up. You get used to the other person not being around. I agree about the sunday night/monday morning thing too. It's awful.

I work in an industry where it is very common. Without generalising too much I would have to say consider it carefully as a lot of them (not all - roughly half I've come into contact with I'd say) see it as a licence to shag around in the week. And the ones that dont pretty much all say they would rather be working locally if they could. Has to be a pretty tough relationship I'd day if thinking about doing it for more that a few months.

It's hard. Really really hard sometimes. Especially on those days when you have raging pmt, the kids are playing up, you have a million and one things to do and it feels as if the entire world is conspiring against you, and then you are doing it all, essentially, on your own. Yes, there's the phone and skype etc but it's just not the same.
Dh has been London based (living with his parents so at least not expensive, but it has it's own issues) since September last year and we hate it. He only gets to spend any time with dd on alternate weekends and it feels like our lives are lived in a permanent state of rush! Very transient. BUT, it's where the jobs are, and where dh can earn good money, so it's just as it has to be.

We have done it for three years with DH away in the week though often home once mid week if possible. The extra cost of renting a flat for him was difficult and it became cheaper to stay in hotels eventually. It was soul destroying for him.
He was then made redundant and we are now 3 months in to a job where I have to do an airport run Fridays and Sundays for his new job. He now gets to stay with his family mid week but we have had enough. I'm giving up a well paid career so we can all move up with him.
Think carefully before you do it OP. Our relationship is good but it depends what you want. We like each others company and I really miss the company in the midweek evenings and starting to get resentful about managing the home without him

OH has worked down south ( we're in North Yorks.) for the past 5 years.

He leaves Sunday 2 pm and comes home Thurs 10 pm.

It's bloody hard work sometimes. Especially when DC are ill.

OH and i go out for lunch every Friday and spend time together, just us, as DC are at school. We call it "DD day" ( dirty date day )

It works for us. We have a good relationship. Been together 24 years.

OH spreads his holidays, so he's here for a month over Christmas and at least 2 in summer/Easter hols.

We just see it as DC are settled in excellent schools, small mortgage, nice lifestyle.
If we moved where OH works, our mortgage would be huge.

We have done it for the last 5 years for exactly the same reasons as you- wanting to be close to family. We have 3 kids too.
Good points - kids have a fantastic relationship with all their grandparents and I can work and have reliable (and free) child care. The quality of life is better here and people are amazing up north, so easy to make friends.
Bad side-the stress of looking after them all on my own, Dh is very good around the house but I do get resentful that I seem to have to do more. I worry also as the ds get older they will need their dad close by more.
If Dh cd afford to give up job we wd in a heartbeat.

I am doing this temporarily, working away in the week and home at weekends, but luckily no kids yet. But we know that for us it is temporary, we set a 6 month time limit that if we hadn't got jobs in the same place by then, I will quit and move home and start again.

I would say don't do it if you have a choice, I wasn't so prepared for how difficult it would really be to be apart, and it's hard in other ways too, like, we never see friends who live far away/friends who are more "my" friends or "his" friends, as at weekends we just want to be together and make the most of it, and can't contemplate for example me going to the next town to spend a day with friends, even though obviously I'm too far away to do so in the week.

Plus, it's draining to have to keep two houses clean, two lots of washing up, obviously that's only one house to clean each but still, if we were both at home we'd be sharing it. And draining financially to maintain two houses/flats.

But, if you do go for it, good for you for asking other people's opinions first and going into it with your eyes open. Good luck!

I wouldn't do it. Relationship between kids and DH trumps relationship between kids and other rellies. Plus, you and the kids would at least have each other (plus the rellies) but I think it would be really miserable for your DH.

My DH does. He is closer than some - about 1.5hrs away. He leaves Monday morning and is back Friday.

I really really miss him, despite being busy with my own job and hobbies (no DC yet) I try and get up to stay over with him on a Tuesday night/Wednesday morning whenever I can, and he occasionally makes it home for a mid-week night if work is light.

What helps me is the knowledge this isn't forever (he is a contractor, wont be there longer than a year) and the money he earns is setting us up for a better future. I'm going to make very sure the next contract is one closer to home though.

Should add that I don't regret the decision to move north. Despite how hard it is, we both hated living down south.

We've done this for a couple of years now. It's hard at times, certainly, in terms of how much of the DCs' lives he misses - we end up doing ridiculous things like tonight - we were scanning in DS2's Physics homework and emailing it to him because I couldn't help. He misses concerts and sports days and parents evenings. It's hard on me, carrying the load on my own, and it's harder on him.

In terms of our relationship, though, it's not a problem. We miss each other, we always have things to talk about, we don't take each other for granted, we make the most of the time we're together.

I love the idea "to be with family (except for DP, of course) "

We sort of do this. My DH works from home on a Monday and then goes on a Tues morning, back on a Thursday evening. Usually! Though occasionally he has to add either the Mon or the Fri to that scenario.

For me, sorry to buck the trend, it works ok! Though I think what makes it work is his Monday at home, so he's around, can chat to me whilst we're both working (I work from home too) and obv sees kids at start and end of that day.
His routine used to be much less predictable which I found much harder. At least this way I know when he's here / not here and can plan mine and the kids lives accordingly. I usually work alternate Weds nights anyway so it's no difference if he's away and then the other night I just catch up wtih friends on the phone or whatever tv I want to watch that he hates!
If you're going to do it, see if he can work from home one day, it really makes a difference.

caramel we had this as a short term plan which lasted 10 months (we knew it would be at least 6) and it worked out fine. It was hard at first, but knowing it was temporary helped, and then I got used to having the space. DH was refreshed and full of energy for kid stuff during the weekend.

Piglet- why so caustic a remark?