does anyone's DP live away for work during the week?

[macred]

DH and I are both from Up North, and have lived down south,about 200 miles away from family for over 10 years. We have 3 DCs (9, 7 &4) and are now thinking seriously about going 'home'. Although we both found the early years hard with no family support, it is now that the kids are getting older that we feel the distance more. We'd like them to get to know their relatives on a more individual basis, rather than the group visits/invasions we do currently. So we are thinking about selling up and heading back.

The big stumbling block is DH's job - he would then have to live down here Mon-Thurs week in, week out. Does anyone else do this, and how has it affected your family relationships? eg you and him, the kids and him, you and the kids. Would you recommend it, or knowing what you know now, do you wish you had never done it.

I'd be really grateful for advice, opinions, thank you.

We did this last year. I liked it, DH didn't and the children didn't seem to care one way or the other.

He used to leave early Mon am and return home by 5pm Fri. So 3 nights at home every week. He never saw much of the children during the week anyway as he was out of the house 6am - 7pm.

I liked only having to cook one evening meal. The boys stepped up to the mark, did more chores and behaved well for me. I knew that I was responsible for all household and childcare issues so I didn't feel resentment at having to do it all. When DH is at home it drives me crazy if he doesn't empty the bin or take turns at collecting the boys from rugby etc. But if he is not there to do it of course I just get on with it. I suppose I enjoyed being in charge. I could cook what I wanted. Watch what I wanted on tv. Read in bed with the light on as late as I liked etc.

Weekends felt special. We had a chance to miss each other and we made more effort with each other. We didn't bicker about trivial things. The boys appreciated him more too.

DH hated being away from me and the children. He said he felt detached from family life. He was also bothered by the fact that I seemed to be getting on so well without him. I think he could see that I was enjoying being on my own with the children and was worried that I would want to make that a permanent arrangement.

Thank you for all the replies.

We have a lot to think about before we make any decisions - I can completely see the benefits, and disadvantages, of both options. Reckon we are going to have to the mother of all 'pros and cons' lists!

What would make such a move easier is that DH already works very long hours, and that his job does have lulls where he wouldn't have to travel down. BUT, we would still be looking at his being away Mon-Thurs, or Tues-Thurs as the norm.

And the thing that makes it really, really daunting, is that if we make the decision to go, if it didn't work, there is no way we could put the kids through another change of schools and friends to come back down again.

Hmmmmm.....

IMO there's a world of difference between being away Tue-Thur and doing what we did, which was DH getting up at 3.30am on a Monday morning to fly to London to get there on time, and not getting home again until midnight on Friday. It was hideous. It doesn't sound as though you're looking at a situation anywhere near as bad as that, which is good! Good luck making the decision.

We are living like this DH comes home 7pm Friday and leaves 4am Monday. It works for us, we do it as we can't sell seem to sell our house to enable us to live closer to his work.

Even if DH worked 5 mins away he would never be home for bedtime so DC don't miss out during the week. We have fantastic weekends and holidays when we spent time really enjoying and being grateful for each others company.

We did it for 9 months last year, DH in Dublin from London Monday 6am-Friday 9pm. It was corrosive on both our physical and emotional energy, but we stuck it out as we knew it was temporary and compensated as best as possible with whatever we needed to do at the weekends. Our social life was killed of course. i spent a fortune on babysitters to continue my choir commitments. He was offered another contract recently, but as they woul;dn't increase the day rate to allow us to have more housekeeping help and childcare (so I can work as much as I need) and wouldn't match his colleagues' expenses rates to allow for airport cabs, he turned it down. Thank feck.

I wouldn't do it. We contemplated doing it when I changed jobs last year (I would have been living away during the week, DH and DS together at home) and I would just have felt far too disconnected from family life, especially with a small DS. As things are I have a couple of hours with DS every morning before I leave for work and it keeps me connected with him - I think it would be really hard to be properly in tune with what he was doing and how he was developing if I only saw him at weekends. (DS isn't talking yet, though - might be different with older DC who could communicate in words!)

Did it for 4 years with dh week ending from Northwood and then Bracknell followed by Shrivenham to Cornwall. He then had two years working near home and then was posted to Brussels so we spent two years doing six weeking.

It worked for us, and as a Forces family, it is standard. 4 years is about the max I can recommend though; after that it gets stale fairly quickly.

We do this. Dh away Mon morning back Wed night. It used to be Thursday night for a while and somehow that extra day made it a lot harder. It tipped the balance to him being away more than he was home.

These are our pros and cons, in case it helps.

Pros
He's a workaholic and can indulge this when away without it driving me nuts. He feels more in control of his workload.

I have evenings to myself where I can work, study or just have time to myself.

Cons
I have ended up taking responsibiltiqy for everything in our lives that doesn't relate to his job and sometimes I feel hugely resentful. In our case it evolved that way bt you could make plans now to ensure that you both know what you are taking responsibility for.

He is never here when things go wrong - for emergency hospital trips, when childcare falls through.

You're maybe different but I'm crap on the phone and can't bear Skype so often we miss out sharing the everyday things in life and that sometimes leads to distance building up.

We don't have any other options and will continue this way as long as DH has his job. It's fine much of the time but the resentment is the biggest issue.

Good luck with it all

My dad did this for two years when we were teenagers. The strain on my parents' marriage was awful. As a 16 year old I felt responsible for him at the weekend because my mum was being such a cow to him, as she blamed him for her stress and tiredness during the week. And as such, my teenage social life and friendships suffered :(

Don't do it if you can help it.

We are in the midst of it at the moment. DH lost his job Xmas 2010 and took 6 months to find a new job (he is at MD level). This is in East Yorkshire and we are in Shropshire. The plan is to relocate so the house has been on the market since July next year with no interest (houses in our price range not moving :( )

He leaves 6.30am on Monday and is home for 6pm Friday night. the problem is he hates the job so it's even harder as he phones to moan about work and I feel guilty about moaning how horrid my day at home has been. He's emotionally drained from work so it's hard getting him involved in family activities at the weekend.

If you are moving closer to family that will be a bonus - and a back up for you - but it can be a strain as the family dynamics do change

We did this for a year when dd was a baby. We are really strong as a couple but that is the nearest we have ever come to breaking.

It would be different with older children but:

Dh was staying in a hotel so got used to everything being done for him and stopped helping out at home, when I needed the help more than ever.

Dh missed loads and loads of dd's major milestones.

I built up 11pm on a Friday night all week but when dh arrived he was tired and grumpy and not fit for a lonely mum and a baby.

Saturday was spent trying to get back into the rhythm of family life.

Sundays were spent dreading Monday mornings.

4am Monday starts meant we were never rested from the weekend.

I think family relationships are really important but dh's relationship is more important and would be damaged by this arrangement.

Dh works long hours so doesn't see the dcs every night, even when he is at home but he does occasionally and he usually sees them in the morning. He can also be there for medical appts, shows, parents evenings, emergencies, to allow me the odd night out with friends etc.

We're doing this at the moment. Dh is away 8pm Sun till around 9-10pm Fri. It's really tough, thank god it's only for a year.

I have lots of family here, so lots of support, and we skype in the evenings, but I miss him much more than I thought I would.

We have 3 young children and, although they rarely saw him in the evenings in the week, the oldest would get up early when dh did and they'd have a nice chat while dh was getting ready for work and have a quick breakfast together. I think they both really miss that.

I can see how tempting this move would be, to go back up north and be near family, but I'm not sure it would be worth it, in terms of affecting your children's relationship with their father. Also, you'd be busy building new lives, how would he fit into all that when he's only there at weekends?