Private school and ND kids - experiences

[SENnotwelcome]

I have seen quite a few posts on here about people looking for private secondary schools for their ND children.

Having been through this process relatively recently (and still feeling pretty bruised by it!) I wondered whether a thread for others to share their experience might be useful?

personally, we were looking for a school in London/ SE. My DS is clever and high functioning ASD but the private schools locally didn't want to know - he passed the entrance exams (I had to do DSARs for a couple of schools as they were not willing to admit it) but was always told that they could not accommodate his needs.

However, his prep and Educational Psychologist both said his needs were minor. The LA said his needs were minor and he would be fine in mainstream school, he got a place at the local comp. The different interpretation of the same reports is wild.

I honestly don't know what to think anymore. His current school are very happy with him and apart from using a laptop to write extended pieces of English work he has no different treatment to anyone else.

It still pains me a bit though - he is at a smaller school that I worry might close for financial reasons, he will probably have to move for 6th form (few exam choices)and he has less options (educationally and extra curricular) than his friends who went to bigger independents. He still asks if transferring to these other schools (where his friends have gone and he hears how wonderful they are) now he has "proved himself" is possible - they don't want to know.
He isn't massively happy at school (not made many friends- he still has his friends from primary) and it is an annoying journey to get there but we have no other closer (private) options - I have kept him on the waiting list for the state school we think will suit him but there has been little movement over the past year (in fact we have moved down the list since December).

I just feel we have massively failed him and regret ever getting his diagnosis. He is going to be held back forever as a result.

Try not to regret the diagnosis, it doesn't change who he is, but does give you greater knowledge of how to support him and this may be really important further down the line (getting support at uni for instance). He is not going to be held back by it. The EP and LA will always say the needs are minor to deter having to fund extra support or a special school place.

We went through this with one of mine, we have good local comprehensives but I think she would have really struggled. She was diagnosed dyslexic in y5 but we knew the big academic indies locally weren't for her, she was very shy and needed a quiet setting. Also we took her dyslexia assessment to some of the bigger indies and they took one look and said no. Which was really hurtful but you have to turn it the other way - would you really want your child to go to a school that takes that attitude? With hindsight we dodged a bullet on some of them. DD ended up at a small local indie which was great academically but not so good socially, as none of her friends were there and it still had a lot of super-confident outgoing girls but she found a few friends, was well supported and got excellent GCSEs in the end. She was later diagnosed with ADHD and is highly likely to be autistic. She did leave for 6th form as it was just too small at the school and sadly it has now closed down. I really don't think she would have coped as well in either the comps or the larger indies so even if her school wasn't perfect it was the best option for her.

"The EP and LA will always say the needs are minor to deter having to fund extra support or a special school place."

As an ed psych, I fundamentally reject that statement. Any EP you believe to be deliberately and with knowledge downplaying needs in order to avoid the LA funding extra support is in breach of their HCPC registration and could and should be reported and removed from the register.

Why on earth would a child who is doing well in a mainstream comp with minor adjustments around recording need a special school?

OP, those other schools were not inclusive and didn't deserve your DC.
You don'thave to disclose any diagnosis btw.

Mainstreams and Sen schools don’t want nd kids either. Not a single mainstream accepted ds and all the Sen schools are over subscribed. He’s year 6.

My younger DD is ND. My older DD would report that there were other pupils as her super-selective indie with the same ND as DD2, but when I asked her about where they went to primary, they all seemed to have been to the attached prep school. So if they got in before diagnosis and paid the prep fees, I think they generally allowed them to stay, but probably didn't admit more at 11+.

On that basis, we moved DD2 to the prep of an all through indie, hoping to get the same automatic pass through into the senior school. She's not at the senior school yet, but does have a place. Hopefully it works out, but I have my eye on a few smaller indies that look like they take a wider range of pupils and need to fill their places, if it doesn't work out.

It's a juggling act between getting a school that is financially viable following the VAT changes and one that has space and is open minded with SEN.

@DrRuthGalloway our EP definitely did not draft her report to allow an LA to not have to offer funding. I am not questioning that at all- it is a fair reflection of my son's abilities.

We were told if we did not disclose our son's diagnosis and they later found out they could withdraw the place. We told them in good faith, clearly we shouldn't have done.

Sorry, I shouldn't have included EP in that statement, was posting quickly, the LA part I do feel is true though. The EP report commissioned by the LA for my other child's EHCP was so vague as to be no use whatsoever in getting any specific support into the EHCP, but that is a derail as we are not talking about EHCPs here. It is a bit of a trauma thing from hearing repeatedly from schools and the LA that my children's needs were minor when they weren't especially the one that ended up with the EHCP. Sorry again.

I have two ND kids, both very different needs.

One has an ECHP and attends a very small independent, not at all traditional, lots of ND/ASD kids, really supportive and nurturing. Very academically able but struggles with everything else.

The other, has academic struggles but. Is smart and outgoing, attends a more traditional independent school that we pay for.

Both children are happy but neither would like the other’s school!

DS’s needs are still the same whether you pursued the diagnosis or not. The schools who were not supportive, still wouldn’t be.

Is the current school not providing any support with friends/social interaction?

Have you tried appealing for the state school if you would want to move?

Some schools do try to withdraw the place if their application requests details of SEN (not diagnosis)/suspected SEN and they later find out parents weren’t truthful on the application.

Did you disclose your child's diagnosis to the traditional indie?

With hindsight we should have moved him to an all through school when we had the chance.

I have another child too and agree that they suit different schools, that is probably the case for a lot of siblings.

Bizarrely, I think my NT DD would suit my DS's school. She is quiet and a homebody, not as academic as my son, but at a traditional (girls) indie.

Unfortunately, I don't think my DS suits the school he is in. I personally like the school - they are kind and friendly, open and inclusive.

It takes him over an hour to get there in the morning, he has to leave at 7.10am as the public transport connections don't quite work to get him there on time and he gets home at 5pmish, it impacts his ability to do extra curricular activities during the week. DD skips out the door at 8am and home at 4.10pm.

Academically he is doing very well but he misses things like sport (too small for meaningful teams) and he loves coding/ gaming/ computing but is very limited in what he can do at school. It is musical and arty but he is more interested in STEM.

I also fear the school will close - what if it is in an exam year?

His diagnosis has massively limited his options and his quality of life, it just makes me feel sad for him.

The thing is, he could have gone to one of those other schools without you disclosing his diagnosis and been fine at first, but if he did start to struggle, and adolescence is where it often tends to happen, they would then possibly not be able to support him and even if they can it will have made it harder than it would have been if they had known from the start. But by not disclosing it you are really on the back foot if you do need to go in and ask for extra support. On the other hand he could have sailed through. But none of us can know which way it will go.

But surely that is the same for any kid?
one of the schools admitted that they could accommodate his needs as set out in the EP but worried about what would happen at puberty... well, you will also have 119 other children who may also have issues? Surely several of those will be undiagnosed too.

It done now anyway - we have been ridiculously naive and basically the point of this thread is to warn others.

Both schools had full oversight of the child’s diagnosis and needs, traditional independent said no to the ASD child.

We were at the point ASD child couldn’t cope in a small primary, he doesn’t do any after school activities as he needs time to unwind, his school don’t do homework until GCSEs, his school actually do fewer GCSEs so that’s the compromise but in reality he wouldn’t have got to GCSEs in a typical school.

When we had the LEA EP assess they put in his report a specific number for class size that he could cope with which would rule out trying to slot him in mainstream.

Hi op, are you considering boarding? If so I'm happy to pm you with my outstanding experience of a school with exceptional nd support.

I'm going to leave the thread because I misunderstood the point of it and I am in favour of disclosing diagnosis. I hope it all works out for your DS @SENnotwelcome

Thank you but no we wouldn't consider boarding.

I wouldn't view having a diagnosis as a mistake - high functioning ASD people often have more problems at uni than at school. Uni requires much more independence and planning whilst people on the spectrum often struggle with executive functioning. The diagnosis will help your DS get access arrangements when/if he needs it.

It's a shame schools near you are so unsupportive. My DC has quite a few NT classmates with various diagnoses.

It sounds like you have found a smaller (nurturing?) independent school but have been unlucky in terms of travel time, sport and friends. Are there any other options open to him? Would he go further afield or consider boarding if there was more sport on offer for example? It's sad that he feels personally rejected and being dissatisfied with his current school sounds like a big factor there. However please don't think he's going to be held back forever. He might have had a terrible experience at one of the other schools, you just can't know. Developing things like grit and resilience and the ability to get on in a range of different environments will stand him in good stead for life. Even just attending his current school with a good attitude and working hard reflects really well on him.

Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you.

I am also in favour of disclosing (I did so) and do not view my son as a "problem" but, actually, these schools say all the right things in their marketing materials and they all say how welcoming they are etc etc. but the reality is very different. They put all ASD kids in one bucket labelled "too difficult". It isn't fair on them.

If I had realised I just wouldn't have applied to them at all and would have looked at moving to a grammar area. It's too late for my son now. He worked hard to get through the exams, sports scholarships, interviews etc when all the time the schools knew they wouldn't take him. He did nothing wrong but he feels he has - he has been judged as less than because of a label.
London independent 11+ is brutal anyway and even more so for ND kids.

Sorry meant ND of course in my previous post.

I don't even remember being asked about SEN on the application form.

DC was at a London super selective and I can remember at least two children on the spectrum in their class. They came through prep though so the school knew they could manage.

Friend's son had a disastrous time at a top London indie. Friend was so pleased when he was offered a place (he's very bright) but within a year or two it became obvious that the school were not interested in anything other than easy children who would do outstandingly without too much innovative effort on the part of the teachers. The SEN department said all the right things but were really not in the modern world. It was a disaster and ruined the confidence of this student irreparably.

Thanks - no, really no other options other than moving (really don't want him to board, not until sixth form if at all) and that isn't really an option at the moment because DD is settled at her school (yr 10).
I guess we could think about moving next year after DD does her GCSEs and DS will be going up to yr9 but she will be reluctant (very much at the stage where her friends are her life) and tbh I have no idea where to even start looking.

Both me and DH need to come into London 2/3 days per week for work.

See, this is the advice I needed years ago - get in at yr3 to stand a chance of the senior school.

No worries. The school is in Wiltshire so prob too far for you to have them as a day pupil.

Thanks, I'm not upset but feel as though I am saying the wrong things and not helping / making it worse. I do agree that some of them just take one look at a report and say no and that isn't fair, but equally as I said before if they are that dismissive it really is an indicator that the pastoral / SEN side is not great and you might have dodged a bullet. Yes there will be others who start undiagnosed but it will be really awful for them and their families too if the school turns out to not be able to support them. We definitely compromised on extra-curriculars, friendships etc for DD's school but it did all work out fine in the end.