Private school and ND kids - experiences

[SENnotwelcome]

I have seen quite a few posts on here about people looking for private secondary schools for their ND children.

Having been through this process relatively recently (and still feeling pretty bruised by it!) I wondered whether a thread for others to share their experience might be useful?

personally, we were looking for a school in London/ SE. My DS is clever and high functioning ASD but the private schools locally didn't want to know - he passed the entrance exams (I had to do DSARs for a couple of schools as they were not willing to admit it) but was always told that they could not accommodate his needs.

However, his prep and Educational Psychologist both said his needs were minor. The LA said his needs were minor and he would be fine in mainstream school, he got a place at the local comp. The different interpretation of the same reports is wild.

I honestly don't know what to think anymore. His current school are very happy with him and apart from using a laptop to write extended pieces of English work he has no different treatment to anyone else.

It still pains me a bit though - he is at a smaller school that I worry might close for financial reasons, he will probably have to move for 6th form (few exam choices)and he has less options (educationally and extra curricular) than his friends who went to bigger independents. He still asks if transferring to these other schools (where his friends have gone and he hears how wonderful they are) now he has "proved himself" is possible - they don't want to know.
He isn't massively happy at school (not made many friends- he still has his friends from primary) and it is an annoying journey to get there but we have no other closer (private) options - I have kept him on the waiting list for the state school we think will suit him but there has been little movement over the past year (in fact we have moved down the list since December).

I just feel we have massively failed him and regret ever getting his diagnosis. He is going to be held back forever as a result.

I hear you @SENnotwelcome

Here's our experience:

It was clear from very early in primary school that DS was neurodiverse with very high academic ability. The primary senco didn't want to know about our concerns because their only metric seems to be about meeting SATS targets so a high ability child was not on their radar. They did eventually start cooperating in Y6 once I bypassed them to get the diagnosis referral started via the GP, but their reports were still required - I suspect that they were happy to cooperate once they knew that the process wouldn't be complete until after he'd left their school, but they had always refused to make a referral themselves.

The waiting process being what it is, we knew we wouldn't get anywhere with a diagnosis or an EHCP in time for senior school applications and I knew he needed a more calm and studious environment than the local comp could offer and I didn't have the evidence to even try for a special school, so he took the exams for a good independent school and got a place. The SEN team seemed to be helpful and willing to make adjustments, there were lots of other children with mild neurodiversity issues in the school, and things seemed to be ticking along. We got to the top of the waiting list for the diagnoses towards the end of y7 but the EHCP process stalled and we didn't fight it as we thought he was doing OK - but as the years progressed DS was getting more and more overwhelmed, and school avoidance and classroom avoidance (going to school but we found out that we hadn't been kept informed about how often he was spending all day in the Learning Support room) became more and more of an issue. Teachers all agreed he was high ability and learned well when able to attend, but he missed a lot of classes and when end of y9 exam results were deeply concerning we borrowed money to pay for a private EdPsych report that outlined much greater needs than we had really understood and recommended that a full EHCP process should be undertaken. It had taken most of a year to find a private EdPsych and get to the top of his waiting list so by the time we had the report it was becoming clear that DS was really not coping at all and probably wouldn't be able to stay on at the school for 6th form, so we restarted the EHCP application process armed with new information. I won't detail the overwhelming rigmarole of getting an EHCP being knocked back at every stage, but suffice it to say that GCSE exams came and went while we were still fighting and as expected the results were pretty low - but this became possibly beneficial to the fight for an EHCP because we were able to contrast DS's clear high intellectual abilities from the EdPsych report with exam results that were totally the other end of the scale and that seemed to help convince the powers that be that we weren't making it up, and recently - at long last - we have been granted an EHCP and DS has a place in a neurodiversity-specialist sixth form to start in September after a year out of education.

What I learned from this - a private mainstream school isn't necessarily the answer for a high-ability neurodiverse child. I think I dismissed the idea of fighting for a special school place too quickly, thinking that the independent school would be suitable - but of course I didn't have the evidence or knowledge at the time that I do now. I know that I was reluctant to fight for it because of worries that a special school wouldn't offer the opportunities for a good breadth of academic subjects at GCSE as could be offered in a mainstream school - but with hindsight a narrower curriculum might have been better. However, you never get to know what would have been and I don't know whether the outcomes would have been even worse at the local comp, or whether perhaps it could have been that the problems were picked up and dealt with sooner, because during y7-y11 obviously as we were paying private fees, the state system was able to wash its hands of the unmet needs.

Following this thread as I suspect my DS is ADHD and possibly also dyslexic. He's y6 and currently in state primary, and has a place at a local independent secondary for September. It's not top tier but does well and I hear lots of things locally about strong pastoral care, but also stories of SEN that go both ways: some say they don't handle SEN well, others praise them for it.
I didn't pursue a diagnosis this year partly for exactly the reason the OP has raised this: many people told me that diagnoses must be declared and are viewed in a very binary way by independent secondaries on application and they might just reject DC due to it.
So sorry to hear that you had exactly that experience, OP. Your DS sounds similar to mine in that he copes fine in mainstream school. My DS does really well academically -other than SPAG! - and has lots of friends. Just struggles with focus. For now I think we'll see how the transition to secondary goes and hope sets help - and maybe consider getting a diagnosis at some point in y8. In some ways we're lucky as his older brother has an ADHD diagnosis now (got one in first year of uni after going through a top tier indy and doing amazingly at A-level in the end) and has done lots of research to understand himself since. So we are learning from that.
I hope you find a good option - year 9 is a common point of change. I know you have said you wouldn't consider boarding but there are some state boarding schools which might suit (a bit cheaper than most day indies) nearish London. E.g. have a look at Holyport College near Windsor. Still a relatively small school and sport might not be what he's hoping for, but the STEM opportunities are good from what I hear.

Good luck to your son @ElectionEnnui - I totally regret getting the diagnosis now. I think he would have been fine at a mainstream indie, like your son there are only a couple of things he struggles with and we could help him with that.
I hate the assumption that ASD means a child will automatically struggle at a mainstream school.

Thing is, a school that is actively trying to turn away autistic children probably wouldn't have provided the right support if you has got him in there anyway. It's not about lables, it's that they are a business and want the easiest kids. The diagnosis doesn't suddenly make the local comp unsuitable, it would have been unsuitable without a diagnosis too.