Is anybody able to offer any advice about ‘consent of both parents’ in order to accept a private school?

[QuestLove]

I am in a high conflict divorce, and more recently solicitors are involved. My daughters father who is always opposed and defiant to my offers for our daughter, will not consent. Through family negotiations and mediation, his responses are the same. His approach is the same to eg: swimming lessons when it’s his turn, to not taking her to birthday parties because he prefers to take her to his football games. As I try to sort out a future for my daughter, his purpose is to fight me. I won’t go into the whys and how’s of our relationship etc, but there was domestic violence. I would like to focus on this issue of this school my daughter, where she would like to go to school.

I have applied for a Specific issue order, back in March. But as yet, there has been no response from the courts. The courts are jammed with a backlog, my ex is not chopping off my limbs and my school issue appears a simple lifestyle choice perhaps? So non urgent despite being marked urgent. The school has been patient and extended their deadlines for us, and in the most recent update, our file could be opened at the end of June! And even then, it may be a long time until a decision is made, and even in my favour.

Im worried that my girl will lose a place she has worked hard for, but also her father is full of rage at my efforts to excercise my rights, so there will be consequences for me too, and for the future of my daughter when I need his ‘consent’ and he uses his PR in this way.

Im aware that the next school intake is in 2 years time. By then she’d have established friends at the local school. Even if she expressed she wanted to go at 13 yrs old, he will still say no. If I wanted to work abroad for 2 months, take my daughter with me, or leave her behind with him, he’d say no, as he does.

Does anybody have any experiences that they can share that could help. Or is this the end of the road for us and this school?

What are his reasons? Has he given any?

He says the school is too far. He would have said no anyway.
He will have to sell our family home anyway and cannot afford to remain in London.

What's the current contact arrangement? Are you currently living far apart from each other?

I sent my daughter to private school without asking permission. Her father was violent and addicted to drugs and alcohol. IIRC I just explained that to the school and they were fine with it. He didn’t contribute financially which may have helped their decision.

I had a dispute with my ex over schools. He actually applied to court to send DS1 to a school of his choosing whereas DS1 and I wanted him to go to another school. The advice I received on and off over the years is, although you are technically meant to get consent, in reality the courts are unlikely to interfere with an existing arrangement if your child is settled and happy. If you need to accept the place and there are good reasons to go there then it's hard to see how you would be criticised. If she actually starts there it's even less likely they will move her.

Who is paying for the school? If it’s just you, that will be simpler.

If you haven’t already, I would explain everything to the school and fall on their mercy. They will want to help. Consider paying the deposit if it’s an amount you can afford to lose.

Are you expecting him to contribute to the fees?

What will the fee split be?

Is it the school who are insisting on his permission? Because legally I suspect this is one of these situations where you can exercise your parental rights without his consent. I mean, to enrol in an ordinary school I don’t recall needing to write anywhere that me and OH gave consent. Is he worried he might be expected to contribute to the fees?

Private schools will usually insist both parents provide consent - they are primarily interested in making sure fees are paid, but if they hear of any potential dispute between parents, they’ll insist on both signing or a court order - schools do not want dragged into legal disputes.

When DH and his ex divorced, DC’s private school who would until then have accepted ex’s consent alone, insisted both had to agree to everything going forward, and two sets of school reports etc were provided.

The school wants their fees to be paid. An important question is are you planning on paying the entire fees yourself? If you need him to pay a share then the school will be very reluctant without consent from both.

Is the court involvement to secure his permission or to order him to pay the fees?

Perhaps he genuinely doesn't agree with private schools or he has concerns over affordability?

When you were together did you discuss private schools or is his stance just since your separation?

Maybe he thinks the money you are spending on going to court could be better spent on swimming lessons?

Just because he doesn't agree with your approach doesn't mean he is wrong.

OP - does attending this school mean you’d need to move away with DC? As this is a much bigger issue.

More information is probably needed. If you want him to lay part fees then he has a right to say no. Does he have parental responsibility? If not and you are paying fees surely you can just enrol as if he doesn’t exist?

Can you afford the fees on your own? Even if he doesn't pay a penny in maintenance?

Are you asking him for some of the fees? How far away is the school compared to where you both live?

Does she have a state school spot for September?

I worked in private education for many years, as others have said, its not about his consent per se, its about the guarantee of the fees - with a couple both sign and it is taken that if one looses their job then there will likely still be the other parties income to pay. In a split scenario, effectively they have a second party to chase for the fees.

There are work arounds, payment in advance, another guarantee signature (ie a grandparent), robust proof of your ability to pay come what may, a school fees insurance policy etc.

Agree with all the above it’s the fees. Even if she has a scholarship for this year, this may change going forward- it can reduce or stop.

And ans the op may say yes now but if something happens in the future?

Have you moved a long way from your family home, and want your DD to go to school near you?

I was in a similar situation a couple of years ago.
Courts put the interests of the child first. As others have said, they don’t like moving children if they are happy, settled and if you have solid child centric reasons for having sent them there.

As others have said, schools are worried about fee responsibility and they hate getting involved with family disputes. However the good news is that all private schools are keen for pupils right now - it’s never been a better time to ask for flexibility. 99% of them will keep a place open for you for as long as you need it. If you can show you can afford all the fees yourself, they will be fine.

I was in a similar situation, I explained to my DCs' schools that I would be responsible for the fees and would be the only named parent on any correspondence etc. They were happy with this.
Even though ex-DH didn't want to pay any fees, he was delighted to turn up to watch sports matches and enjoyed telling his friends where his children went to school.

Could you call the court and ask them to transfer the matter to alternative city? In Leicestershire we heard back on our recent SIO application within 3 weeks and a court date set for end May (2 months later but in time for our deadline which was outlined in the application).
Alternatively, a C2 application to request the hearing is brought forward and provide evidence of the school’s extended deadline, state that your daughter is without a school place. It seems bizarre to not have even received a hearing date. Have you called them to check?

Also if you can get school to agree to accept your daughter with just your consent. Then it’s actually up to your ex to apply to the court for a prohibited steps order if he does not agree. Are you the only one taking her to school?

have you tried shuttle mediation on this specific issue,
can your daughter write him a letter explaining she really wants to go to this school?