What do you do when a school doesn’t listen to your concerns?

[MyTrivia]

My daughter is 6 and in year 1. She’s diagnosed with autism and she has a PDA presentation which means she burns out very easily. I‘m posting here too just to get more pov.

Dd goes to a very small, independent school. Last year in reception, she had a wonderful year with an excellent teacher and she was so happy and thriving. She did well and received exceeding expectations in her school report.

This year, she has moved into year 1 and is mixed with year 2. A few things are going on. The main thing is that there is a child in this class who should usually be in year 3 but because she struggles academically, she’s repeating year 2. This child bullies all the other kids and is very manipulative. She’s the adoptive child of one of the teachers at the school and it seems like she doesn’t face any consequences for the bullying. I mention her being adopted because I expect she’s had a tough time until she was adopted at 4 which probably is why she bullies.

Other parents have told me that various other families have left the school because of this child and because the school refuses to acknowledge her behaviour as bullying and indeed tells parents they are not allowed to call it bullying.

This child has now started upsetting my daughter and trying to exclude her - shes nice one day and horrible the next. Her dad and I feel we’re being fobbed off by the school. My daughter has become a shadow of herself, has started saying that she feels tired all the time and doesn’t want to go to school, has started clinging to me when we’re going to extra curricular activities.
We have so far not had a parents evening. The teacher of this year group was off with stress for most of last term (we received no communication about this until our kids were coming home telling us they had supply teachers). I heard that she starts to panic when parents evening is coming up. As a person, she’s lovely but she seems fragile to me. She says she’s monitoring my daughter and watching over her at break times.

I’m just feeling so sad because my daughter is losing all her confidence. Another child from year 2 was pinching her legs under the desk and my daughter felt that she had to just put up with it. Whereas last year, she would have told the teacher what was happening and would have been loud about it.

The school has a lot of upsides like an excellent forest school provision which all of the children use up to year 6.

What should we do about this now? Last year, everything seemed to be perfect. My daughter is not going to be able to just move to another school because she burns out so easily.

This is really hard. I think you should email the School and also ask for a meeting. But you may find that they are not very responsive. Sadly, independent schools are not subject to the same rules as state schools. You are buying a service and the usual contract terms apply so there is less you can do.

Yes, I’m concerned about what seems to be a lack of governance.

Last year, we had a much more authoritative head but it was his time to retire. He did a goodbye speech and the new head didn’t even do a handover speech.

There is a child like this in one of DC‘s classes (independent school). They don’t bother DC too much, (DC has pushed him back so is left alone) but multiple families
have left due to this child (also adopted around age 3).

No advice really, the school sadly seems more worried about the optics of asking a child with difficulties to leave, than losing multiple families due to
their behaviour.

In your shoes, I’d move my child. They are young enough to resettle. She should not have to put up with this, no one should.

Honestly that just sounds so hard for your daughter, a very tricky situation which the school doesn’t appear to be dealing with.

I really think it would be best for you to look at other schools for her.

I would look at other schools.

I would also bear in mind that, in the current environment with VAT and falling birth rates, small independent prep schools will be financially vulnerable and may close. I know that makes it tricky if her SEN means she needs small classes and a quieter environment.

Does she have an EHCP?

Yes, where I live independent schools are closing and merging left and right. Dd doesn’t have an EHCP yet, we are still waiting for the school to apply.

Its the fact that she has PDA is the reason I’m worried that she just won’t cope in a state school.

Put in notice and move her.

Actually you might even find that state schools are better trained and more able to deal with PDA/autism. But it really depends on the individual state school. Same with private schools. I would look around state and private schools locally and see where you think would suit. Speak to the SENCo at each school and you will quickly see if they know their stuff and welcome your child or not.

It will help a lot if she has an EHCP. Don’t wait for school to apply, it won’t be a priority for a private school. You can apply yourself directly to the local authority. You can also ask schools about this when you visit.

Put your concerns in writing and ask for a meeting with your child’s teacher and the head. If no joy with that, write to the governors. Normally independent schools will manage out kids who are disruptive and bullying, but because of this child’s tough start in life I can see why the school is cutting this kid more slack. But they aren’t doing it effectively. If it were me I’d adopt a tone of “we understand X’s tough start to life but the school isn’t providing X with the monitoring and support X needs to stop X taking out that past trauma on the other kids. You are failing in your safeguarding duty to our child. We would like to know what plan the school has to manage this situation that protects all the children involved, please.”

It really isn’t ok to put a year 3 aged child in with year 1s.

Realistically with a private school, they show you their approach to things and you choose whether or not it’s something you want.

You say moving is a problem for your daughter, but then so is the current set up.

You say she’s got PDA traits, that’s something you may want to work on her learning to work with around expectations in mainstream society. At Y1 level you have the opportunity to influence a lot of learned behaviour and set her up for success in the rest of education and life.

No I won’t be trying to force her to conform to mainstream society because that’s the one thing you can’t do with a child who has PDA. If you do that it leads to MH issues.

I agree with you completely. This is the entire problem. There is good reason why LAs don’t agree to put kids up or down a year.

Another parent who is unhappy with the situation told the head and the SENCO that she was not happy with this child being in with year 1 and 2 and she was told in no uncertain terms to never mention it again.

It’s not about « forcing her to conform » it’s about teaching her life skills to allow her to thrive in adult life in the real world. You have to be more intentional about teaching those skills for a child with ASD/ PDA because it is not always obvious or intrinsically learned for them. Resilience alongside understanding yourself is key for MH especially for people with asd.

Given it’s a private school and the issue is with a child who realistically isn’t going to be going anywhere, you need to move your daughter.

I’d also think very carefully about getting an EHCP if you want your child to continuum to be educated privately.

I think only about 15% of children with PDA attend school at all and there is a reason for that. They quickly reach burnout in mainstream society. I have an older child with PDA who is now 24 and I made mistakes with her, trying to get her to fit into mainstream society. It has resulted in her having quite severe MH problems and agoraphobia. Though she is a lot more complex than the child I’m talking about in this post.

PDA isn’t a choice of behaviour, it’s a nervous system disability. The persons threat response gets activated for ‘minor’ things. They aren’t just trying to be difficult.

Its important to help some autistic people find their own niche in the adult world. And that’s ok.

Incidentally, dd is a compliant child who has made a lot of progress. When she’s not anxious, you don’t really see the PDA much. Her reception teacher worked wonders with her last year and really helped her with give and take and understanding other people’s pov. She has matured a great deal. Last year, there was never any suggestion that this placement would not work out. It has been a shock to realise that the governance is so bad.

Yes. Our council funds placements in independent schools if that is agreed. I was more worried about home education being difficult with an EHCP.

I’d also think very carefully about getting an EHCP if you want your child to continuum to be educated privately.

What do you mean by this @FuzzyWolf ?

Are you saying OP should maybe not get an EHCP as some private schools won’t want a child with an EHCP ? If so I agree - but doubt OP would want those schools anyway.

Or do you mean OP should get an EHCP so as to assist in getting private provision?

I am not keen to move her to another private school because most of these schools are struggling and some of them are open about not wanting to accept kids with autism. I certainly wouldn’t want her in an ableist environment.

The former. Even if the private school says it can meet needs, if the LA can find a cheaper alternative then it will place the child there.

Incidentally, dd is a compliant child who has made a lot of progress. When she’s not anxious, you don’t really see the PDA much.

This actually suggests she doesn’t have PDA but is so anxious that she isn’t able to cope with any additional demands. PDA doesn’t go like your post suggests is happening with your daughter.

An autistic child in the wrong setting can present as having PDA but it doesn’t mean they have it. If the child is compliant in the right circumstances it suggests they don’t have PDA but are overwhelmed for another reason. It’s very common with autism.

I would find another school.
No school is worth that.

My reasoning is that my daughter often won’t respond to me unless I pretend to be one of her cuddly toys. She also panics if I buy a present for someone else and will cry about it and you can feel her heart racing. Even if it’s for like another adult or something. She will feel they are more important to me than her, even though she knows it’s not true. So, what I think is happening is that she’s beginning to be able to override those feelings with cognitive reasoning but I guess she could still burn out.

The LA will always try to find the cheapest option but atm you can still go to tribunal.

Having had a pda child in an independent school for multiple years and received an EHCP (now out of school) The head is the key person you need to know whether they will support your child or not. Don’t bother with the senco as the head states the rules. Also whether the school will be inclusive of Sen children or not.

Which county you in?

I would say this school sounds an absolute nightmare and you are paying for this. I wouldn’t be happy and I’d move my child to a girls school based.

You are not going to change the current teacher until next year and the other child will not move. So you either accept it or move.

Before ebsa / unmet needs and unable to go to school and then you end up caring 24/7 with no school etc.

Environment (which sounds terrible and not working) and people around nightmare - so both key things for pda are missing at this school.

Good luck though. You can apply for an EHCP yourself under Ipsea website today don’t wait for the school. Be in control as I doubt this school will do it! Sounds like if it’s merging year groups it’s close to closing soon!

You can but the current wait time is 14 months and LAs are continually trying to cut costs. You can look your child’s school up to see how many are there with an EHCP because some independent schools do not accept anyone on them.

It’s very hard to prove that your child needs a mainstream independent school and only around 1% of EHCPs nationally are for those places.