What do you do when a school doesn’t listen to your concerns?

[MyTrivia]

My daughter is 6 and in year 1. She’s diagnosed with autism and she has a PDA presentation which means she burns out very easily. I‘m posting here too just to get more pov.

Dd goes to a very small, independent school. Last year in reception, she had a wonderful year with an excellent teacher and she was so happy and thriving. She did well and received exceeding expectations in her school report.

This year, she has moved into year 1 and is mixed with year 2. A few things are going on. The main thing is that there is a child in this class who should usually be in year 3 but because she struggles academically, she’s repeating year 2. This child bullies all the other kids and is very manipulative. She’s the adoptive child of one of the teachers at the school and it seems like she doesn’t face any consequences for the bullying. I mention her being adopted because I expect she’s had a tough time until she was adopted at 4 which probably is why she bullies.

Other parents have told me that various other families have left the school because of this child and because the school refuses to acknowledge her behaviour as bullying and indeed tells parents they are not allowed to call it bullying.

This child has now started upsetting my daughter and trying to exclude her - shes nice one day and horrible the next. Her dad and I feel we’re being fobbed off by the school. My daughter has become a shadow of herself, has started saying that she feels tired all the time and doesn’t want to go to school, has started clinging to me when we’re going to extra curricular activities.
We have so far not had a parents evening. The teacher of this year group was off with stress for most of last term (we received no communication about this until our kids were coming home telling us they had supply teachers). I heard that she starts to panic when parents evening is coming up. As a person, she’s lovely but she seems fragile to me. She says she’s monitoring my daughter and watching over her at break times.

I’m just feeling so sad because my daughter is losing all her confidence. Another child from year 2 was pinching her legs under the desk and my daughter felt that she had to just put up with it. Whereas last year, she would have told the teacher what was happening and would have been loud about it.

The school has a lot of upsides like an excellent forest school provision which all of the children use up to year 6.

What should we do about this now? Last year, everything seemed to be perfect. My daughter is not going to be able to just move to another school because she burns out so easily.

What if this older child is also PDA and isn’t being forced for conform to society’s expectation they don’t bully?

im being deliberately provocative but its your job to help her learn how she can conform in as less stressful way as possible. Not that she doesn’t have to?

There is a line. My children who are all autistic except one have been taught that it’s never ok to hurt or bully other people no matter what.

My daughter isn’t pinching other people and spoiling their days. In fact, parents at the school often come up to me and say that their child really enjoys her company. And her TA told me that she’s a very kind little girl and a joy to work with.

And when I say I’m not going to push her to confirm, that never comes at other people’s expense.

I am talking about finding the right work environment and not forcing someone to go to university if it isn’t what they feel is right.

There are at least 6 children at my DD’s school who have it named in their EHCP.

It’s not really relevant to me though if I don’t feel this school is even going to be suitable for her.

We are in Worcestershire.

So, at the moment the way I’m seeing it is that we have one and a half (short) terms left of year 1. Then, next year (year 2) my dd will have the same teacher as this year and she will be with all of the kids in her own year group, plus next year’s year 1. She has never had any unkindness from any of those children and she and her classmates often meet up to play together in the holidays.

So I thought to myself that I could potentially kick the can down the road until juniors. But DD’s dad says that something else could crop up that they don’t deal with…

It really depends on whether there is any other school in the area that you think could be better for her - or whether this is the best place even with the issues you describe.

You won’t know unless you look.

Thank you. You’re right.

I agree the school isn’t suitable but you didn’t seem to take on board earlier suggestions to move her.

You still need to get the LA to agree (as well as the school) to take an EHCP.

Is it Bowbrook House School?

We had this. We moved to a similar sized state school. I wouldn't say all problems solved. (She still struggles socially) However she is supported by the teachers and trusts them. The teachers are a million times better at dealing with the sen and the few issues that have arisen with other kids behaviour. and the PDA has improved with less burn out because of this. Plus we have more money to deal with stuff as it arises cos we arnt paying school fees.

I agree with most people that this situation isn’t likely to get better and dd probably will need to move. Sorry I didn’t make that clear.

I’ve won two tribunals against our LA before so they don’t really phase me. But the government is talking about taking SEN support away and stopping parents from bringing appeals to tribunal…

In my LA a tribunal is often needed to get any sort of provision that is quantifiable anyway.

I think it would be quite beneficial for dd to have an Ed Psych report. Maybe a 3rd eye would help with what provision she actually needs.

No it’s not.

You know there’s a difference between forcing to confirm, and learning to live in a world where there are norms right?

Doesn’t mean you have to conform with those norms, but you need to find a way to exist as a functional member of society. A lot of that can be learnt.

I didn’t ask for advice from people who don’t know and have never met my daughter on how I should parent her. Not sure why you are assuming you know what she needs purely based on my saying she has PDA. PDA isn’t a specific diagnosis either. I could be wrong - maybe she doesn’t have it. She definitely is autistic though.

She does not have behaviour problems either at home or at school. And she is academically able. She is becoming anxious at school, where last year she was happy and thriving. And that’s why I started the thread.

I also do acknowledge that the other child in this situation likely has problems and may not intentionally be bullying. I expect she has unresolved trauma.

But in such a small school I feel that they should be able to cope with this and find a solution.

I feel like my daughters response to another child covertly pinching her is like learned helplessness.

If they are merging year 1 and year 2 how financially viable is this school?

I’d move her to a school with better governance, safeguarding and wellbeing - the fact her teacher is off with stress is not good!

The school has merged years 1 and 2, 3&4 and 5&6 for as long as it has been running since the 80s. I know this because a mum attended the school herself when she was young.

Yes if the teacher has been off with stress, surely that suggests that she’s also not getting the support she needs from the head?

@wobblychristmastree

well put. I had excellent support and advice young with dd on just this. I’m not claiming it was plain sailing, far from it but I was acutely aware that my dd needed to learn the skills to operate in our world because it will not change for her. It was very hard work and she had a plethora of specialists over the years but now in her late 20’s she’s independent, not working exactly (studying) but left home etc. Mainstream state educated with adaptations that I did fight for but worked.

I’m absolutely amazed that you know so much personal information about pupils and staff at your DDs school! The parent’s WhatsApp group must be a hotbed of gossip.
Is your child at this school because she has an EHCP and it was named on it, or did you choose the school yourself and are paying privately? If the former, then address your concerns via the SENCo and ask for an interim Annual EHCP Review. Make sure the LA attend this review.
edited to say I see she doesn’t have an EHCP. Who has diagnosed her? You do know you can apply for a Needs assessment yourself don’t you?
https://www.ipsea.org.uk/asking-for-an-ehc-needs-assessment

Avoiding preparing your child for dealing with life in mainstream society is doing her an absolute disservice.

I think it’s very poor form the parents have all been told that the class teacher is off with stress.

As the parent of a much older child with autism with a PDA presentation, and a senior leader in education, I’d continue to push for an EHCP (regardless of the uncertainty about changes to SEND funding).

I wouldn’t rely on a mainstream independent school - no matter how small or ‘nurturing’ it claims to be - to provide a suitable, consistent education for a child with these issues.
They don’t have the expertise. You are at the whim of ‘that one good teacher’ or ‘a supportive headteacher’ (can change like the wind) and they can either get rid of your child for any reason they want OR keep taking the money and not doing a thing for your child, both of which outcomes I have seen played out many times.

Thank you. Do you think an educational psychology report would help us figure out what she actually needs? DH’s gut feeling is that we should give notice now. She’s very bright and I don’t want to do something that will stop the good progress she was making.

I have older autistic kids that went through the stress of poorly handled placements at times. My 24 year old has PDA - hers is extreme. This was some years ago but she was pressured to speak. It was the wrong thing to do and has caused a lot of issues for her down the line. My other child is 16 and she does not have PDA but was very misunderstood at one school and wasn’t treated kindly.

I imagine it was easier to get good state school adjustments at the time your dd was little? Because this would have been at a time when schools were better funded - late 90s?

Arent most councils about bankrupt now?

No, when we sent her there she did not yet have a diagnosis. We can afford the fees so funding isn’t the issue as such but she’ll need an EHCP.

Thanks for the link.