Only one in mum group going private

[Greenturtle671]

I read lots of threads where someone who was privately educated and has privately educated friends is for various reasons sending their child to a state schools and looking for advice. Im in the opposite situation. DH and I were both state educated and all of our friends are sending their children to the local state school. We have just accepted a place for our child to start their schooling next year at a nearby private school. DC doesnt seem to have twigged yet that she isnt going to be going to the same school as all of her friends. She knows the name of her school and the name of her friends school but I doesnt mean much yet - sometimes she says why is best friend not going to x school, and i just say its because i have chosen x school, and friends mummy has chosen y school. I no she will be sad that she wont see her friends at school to begin with but even if I sent her to the local state school, i couldn't guarantee they would be in the same class anyway. I dont no what to say to my friends about why im not sending my child to the local school. How can I try to keep in touch with the group of mums and their kids?

How do you know the group of friends? Is it through your babies or are they a group of friends you had before kids? If you only know them through kids it’ll be harder to stay in touch, but, although they seem like the bestest friends now, it’s probable you’ll move on because. Life will get busy and you’ll meet new people at the school and clubs and things just change.

You don’t say anything about the school choice apart from it was the right choice for you, like they’ve made the right choice for them. I have had friends with private school kids and it’s fine- kids go to different schools.

You can try but it is hard. What age are they? My son switched from state to private at y3. He kept in touch with some friends because he played football from age 5 to age 18 with them in the local team. But he went on to make friends at the new school (as did I) and we both ended up closer friends with them although we have all had a bit of a revival as they went off to uni.

Keeping in touch with parents and children from the old school really isn’t terribly important!

Both you and your daughter will get to know new people at the new school - and they’ll be your focus. (At least, you’ll want to be on good terms with the parents of her new friends - don’t expect much more than that.)

And your current friends aren’t owed any detailed explanation. We just thought it would be the best choice for her is all that’s needed.

Try not to worry - thousands and thousands of parents go through this every year.

My daughter is 4. The local school is fine, the high school its attached to is well regarded. The primary has had some struggles in recent years but by all accounts is still a good school. The class sizes are big though than at the private school and I want my child to have more opportunities than what the local school offers. The group of friends, i met via NCT classes and newborn classes. We have seen each other every week almost since our kids were a few months old. The kids are all friends. One goes to the same nursery as my daughter and the others are split across a couple of other nearby ones. They dont all go to the same clubs but there is usually at least one in the class or the class before etc.

Who are you trying to persuade, @Greenturtle671? Is it yourself?

Newsflash - people move on in life. Just because you’ve known some people for four years doesn’t mean you owe them the rest of your life. Those who really adore you may stay friends. Some might feel a little envious, wrong footed, or surprised that you’ve taken a new path. Others may also have plans that might surprise you.

Moving schools can be character building for children - but really your daughter is so little - it’ll just be an adventure for her.

There really is no need for all this handwringing and over explaining.

Chill. (As they say …)

One of the kids from my NCT group goes to private school and the rest all go to different state primaries. They are all 12 now and the kids aren't really friends anymore but they are happy to hangout when we get together a couple of times a year. I am still really good friends with all the Mums. The kid that goes to private school is a really happy and well balanced child who gets on really well with the others.

If they’re all going to the same school, I doubt the children will stay that close friends tbh. Not through any malice or anything, just that they will be in the same classes and play at playtime, and the parents will see each other at drop off/pick up, and play dates or spontaneous trips to the park after school will be more easily arranged, and they’ll get invited to the same birthday parties.

But this isn’t uncommon. Leaving aside the state/private issue, my DD had 3 close nursery friends and the four of them all went to different primary schools. My DD was the only one from her nursery who went to her primary school. She was fine. They were all fine.

When mine were 4 I assumed the “friends” they had (and their parents) would be their/our life-long friends.

Now that they’re 11&14 I can’t even recall any of their names - because pre-schoolers don’t have ‘a friendship group’. They have random other pre-schoolers who they sometimes play alongside because their mums met eachother at NCT 4yrs ago and clung to eachother a bit as they were yet to realise that they weren’t the only other mums-with-babies in a 5 mile radius 😆.

Homestly OP, you’re talking as tho you’re moving your DC mid-juniors. What you’re talking about is your pre-schooler going to a particular school. Where she will be one of several hundred other kids at that school, and where she will make her actual proper friends once she gets to that developmental stage.

All the mums in this gaggle will naturally drift anyway, as new school friendships take priority come September. Any particularly soul-twin friendships for you will last if you want them to, but I’d bet a fiver you’ll have all moved on and carved proper niches by the end of the first term. It’s the way of the world.

I'm still friends with some NCT mums op, but my dc aren't. I don't know if they even remember them. They quickly make friends at school where they are sitting in class, playing in the playground, doing games, singing in choirs and generally living day to day alongside each other.

Don't listen to the people bashing you for worrying though. But it will be fine.

How can I try to keep in touch with the group of mums and their kids

I think you’ll have to accept that you won’t. Maybe one or two mum’s that you’re good friends with or any children that your daughter does other activities with, but you are removing yourself from those situationships.

Rainbows. DD had only one friend from nursery going to her school, we didn't live in catchment or close enough to the state school the rest of her friends were going to, but they all joined the local Rainbows group which helped with the transition.

Millions of kids transition from nursery to all different schools. For millions of reasons. Once they start school they make new friends. No one really cares what choice another parent makes

No one is bashing the OP for worrying. Odd thing to say …

Yours was actually one of the posts I meant.

Bashing doesn't mean physically in this context; it means criticising. Telling her she is handwringing needlessly, over-explaining, needs to chill out is pretty critical.

Thanks everyone. Iv never really had a good group of girl friends as an adult until now. I felt like my dd and I were quite settled with this group. I no we will both be okay - i guess im a bit sad because ultimately its 100% my choice, but I think its the right decision.

You are doing the right thing op. You need to take the decision you think is right for your dd, even if the friend group works for you. And I have kept int touch with a few of the mums I clicked best with. It doesn't matter that our dc have moved on.

Just send her to the same school as her friends. No four year old needs private school.

@Calliopespa - where have I given the impression that I don’t understand how the English language works?

We have taken your post differently if you think it wasn't critical.

I found it critical. I was thanked for my post so am guessing I am not the only one.

This is the point where you have to work out who are your friends independently of your children. I have a great group of friends from NCT and four of us with boys all sent them to the same (private primary). As they got older and developed their own interests more, my son only stayed friends with one of them. But I stayed super close to the mums, and we regularly go out to dinner without the kids, or have coffee after drop off. In other words, we realised we had a friendship that was independent of whether or not our kids stayed friends. We also picked up another mum was all really liked. Now our boys are at 5 different high schools and my son makes an effort to stay in touch with one of the other boys, but not the rest, but our mum friendship group is still going strong.

In short, I’d say, don’t worry about your DD, she will find her own friends. For yourself, if you want to maintain the friendship with the mums, you’ll need to instigate meet ups without the kids - evening dinners and drinks after the kids are in bed, for example.

My son went to private school but the friendship I had with other mums from nursery is still there even when the children went all to different schools. We just talked about the things we had in common, not school decisions and allowed each other to moan about schools to each other from time to time without saying “that would never happen in DC’s school”. Incidentally the things we complained about were very similar: the teacher who is rude, the bully who is not confronted, the parent who is having an affair and in the case of SAHMs we also talked a lot of whatever was on TV 🤷‍♀️

DD was the only one in her nursery going to her current private school. We moved house to be close to it and I'd always just accepted that we'd lose touch with her nursery friends (they went on to a range of state and private schools - almost all in different places). There would never be time to maintain play dates with them, do extracurriculars, have holidays and family visits, and play dates with current school friends as well.
I certainly didn't stay in touch with my own nursery friends or remember anything about them, and never found it a big deal to try to keep in touch.

You do what you feel is right for your child.....

I am state educated whereas my husband had an independent education. I sent my children to the local village school genuinely believing the education would be as good as that available in independent education. There were various factors but ultimately we moved all three to an independent school, the difference was an eye opener! Ultimately the state school is cash starved and crippled by children with special educational needs who can't get an EHCP because the LA turn them down based on cost rather than need! VAT on school fees has made the problem far worse unfortunately.

Dont feel guilty, you can only do what feels right x

Your dd will make new friends, you will likely make some new mum friends

the children may not remain close but it’s not necessarily the case that you can’t remain friends with the mums

I met some mum nct 12 years ago through nct and also another more local baby group. Only two of them had kids at the same school. I’m still good friends with a few mums from both, but the kids have well and truly moved on. It’s fine.

Mums group from age 4. We've been friends for twenty years now. Three went private. The others went to two different state schools. The mums continued to have nights out, which are now long lunches. The children have stayed friends. When they come home to mum and dad they catch up with each other. They're all 24 now