Only one in mum group going private

[Greenturtle671]

I read lots of threads where someone who was privately educated and has privately educated friends is for various reasons sending their child to a state schools and looking for advice. Im in the opposite situation. DH and I were both state educated and all of our friends are sending their children to the local state school. We have just accepted a place for our child to start their schooling next year at a nearby private school. DC doesnt seem to have twigged yet that she isnt going to be going to the same school as all of her friends. She knows the name of her school and the name of her friends school but I doesnt mean much yet - sometimes she says why is best friend not going to x school, and i just say its because i have chosen x school, and friends mummy has chosen y school. I no she will be sad that she wont see her friends at school to begin with but even if I sent her to the local state school, i couldn't guarantee they would be in the same class anyway. I dont no what to say to my friends about why im not sending my child to the local school. How can I try to keep in touch with the group of mums and their kids?

My DS left nursery last summer alongside 10 others. Between the 11 of them they went to 9 different schools.

My DS knew nobody at his new school and DH and I knew no other parents there either.

3 months in and DS never mentions nursery friends and has formed some great new friendships at school. DH and I also have new “parent” friends.

Things really aren’t anywhere near as stable and long term as you think they are when your DC are pre-school age.

Totally appreciate the rest may not remain friends, be in same class etc etc but they will all go to same school

Out of our NCT group, 3 moved away, the other 3 went to the local primary and our DC went private. It was never questioned by any of the kids as to why their schools were different. We still hung out with them, one of them my DC would still consider a close friend and actually worked out well as my DC was not involved in any of the playground politics. Fast forward to secondary, we are still private the rest have all gone to different secondaries. Really hasn’t been an issue, we are still friends with the families we like and our DC has never felt on the outer etc.

They may stay friends at different schools, they might not have stayed friends at the same school, it's impossible to know. If you're worried about telling the other parents that your child is going to a private school that their children are not, all you should probably say is that you looked around them and felt this was the best fit for your child.

I suppose there's a chance they'll grill you about your choice, and what you liked and didn't like about the different schools, which is potentially a difficult conversation. If you're feeling uncomfortable about an implicit or explicit criticism of the state option, just steer it back again to 'we felt it was the best fit for our child' and try to leave it there.

If the others are all going to the same school you will find yourself on the outside of the group and I expect that there will be a gradual fading of the friendships. But there is nothing you can do about that.

The kids won't stay friends but the parents might depending on how close you are currently. You will have to make a big effort though. I'm still v good friends with some mum friends long after our kids were friends but 4 years in I think it is unlikely tbh. They will be making new friends with their kids new friends parents but so will you be. I wouldn't worry at all about your daughter though, at 4 they really don't have settled friendships

It's one of those things that seem really important when your child is 3 or 4 but as they get older you realise that it wasn't that important. But then there are other things to worry about which again will seem trivial in a few years. Whatever stage you are at, there will always be parents who have been there and done that ready with the eye rolls and sarcastic remarks.

In my experience it's normal for the antenatal/baby group mums to feel like your whole world at the beginning. Then some will go to different primary schools or move away. Sometimes you keep in touch and sometimes you don't. Sometimes you end up meeting up again at the secondary school open day or when all the local primary school choirs get together and do a concert. The dc won't remember but you will have a chat and marvel at how much the dc have grown and changed.

Please don't worry about it. At that age kids' friends tend to be the kids of their parents' friends. Once they start school they form other/different friendships. Then they go to secondary and it shifts again and with each phase the parents have less and less contact.

I had a group of friends from NHS antenatal and another group from NCT. I'm still friends with a couple of people from each group and our kids played together all the time, went to each others parties etc. All went to different schools. Now I dont think they would recognise each other in the street! Whereas I socialise with the adult friends regularly. Ironically one of the friends is now one of my besties and is godmother to my much younger child, so she sees her much more than the "child" (he's now 20) who caused us to meet.

None of them went to private so try not to think too much about a state/private divide, it's more of a "different school" thing. Some adults might be sniffy about private but meh, the nice ones won't judge.

In my experience, it's hard to maintain friendships as a parent, but everyone really wants mum friends.
If you're able and willing to be the organiser in your WhatsApp group, the one who says "anyone fancy a pub trip?" or "anyone want to go to the park on Saturday?" they'll probably be delighted.
I can also recommend scheduling a regular meet up - eg we always go to x place every fortnight or month or whatever. It means you don't have to do diary tango every time you want to meet up.
You may find that the group naturally moves apart as your kids get older - or you may find it survives. But you may need to take a more active role in the friendship.
You also don't all need to socialise as a group. In your shoes I might message the one or two mums I felt closest too and say something like "Just wanted to say how much I value your friendship. I know it'll be a bit harder with DD going to a different school, but I'd really like us to stay in touch."
The best advice I was given about making and keeping friends is "Hardly anyone waves, but nearly everyone waves back."
Good luck.

The truth is that even if the kids all go to the same school, many primary friendships don’t survive the transition to secondary. They may end up in different form groups and so never be in the same classes. Lunch breaks at state secondaries tend to be very short (often only just enough time to grab food, use the toilet, and get back to the next lesson) so the opportunity to socialise is limited. So it wouldn’t be the same and even if a couple of the friendships last, the group will not.

If the friendship matters then your daughter would need to proactively maintain it outside school, whether she is in the same school as her friends or not.

Your child will make more friends
and if you keep up contact will still be friends with those she knows atm

Hopefully your adult NCT friends will stay true too
Our NCT friends did but we sent ours to the local state school for a few years and the parents yhere went nc after we left. The school was failing and we weren’t the only ones to leave but many parents seemed to recent our decision. Including those I was really close to.

Ultimately we make the decisions we are most comfortable with for our own children.

It’s lovely transition more as a parent than as a child to have your nursery friends go to the same primary school with you and is beneficial socially but also to manage logistics like school runs together. Having said that, mine didn’t go on to primary school with their nursery friends and settled straight away plus there were many opportunities to meet new parents as at that age you still accompany the children to birthday parties and there are far too many of them with whole class parties being the norm and you will soon find a new group (whilst keeping in touch with your ‘old’ friends if you choose to)

When I didn’t read your child’s age I thought it was that you were the only family moving your child from state to private for secondary school which is my situation amongst the close friendship group and it is proving a bit tricky for my DD as she will miss her friends a lot (and for me to explain why we are separating her from the group and choosing the private route)

good luck!

Oh I didn’t spot your update with your daughter’s age and also thought that you were talking about a transition to secondary where an established group of friends from primary are not going, which can be emotionally hard for children.

At pre-school to primary this is an absolute non-issue. They don’t really have friends at that age in a deep way and they will make other friends very fast.

As you like the mums, you can try to keep in touch with grown up nights out. I’m still friends with a mum group from baby years. We don’t live close together any more so the kids went to different primaries. It doesn’t matter at all - we aim for drinks or dinner every month or so and it is our friendship not that of the kids.

Your child will quickly forget the old friends.
There's no need to explain why you're going private.
We had a mother of 4 take all her children out of our state school. She kept explaining to everyone that the eldest needed extra support, because he was academic, the second wasn't academic so needed extra support and then why not move all of them? Nobody was offended or cared. The husband was loaded. She obviously thought just saying "we can afford it so why not?" would make her look bad

This I think.

You don't have to justify your decisions about schooling to anyone at all.

You will probably lose some of the relationships though. But you may well have done anyway, because they do wax and wane at this age anyway.

I will say though that you might find yourself on the receiving end of envy that comes out as spite. I certainly found that when we moved to a private school. It hurt terribly a the time but then I realised that- like you- I did not have to justify my reasoning to anyone and if people decided that made me unworthy of being their friend then they were a waste of my time anyway.

I think this too!
We had a group of 6 kids who all went to nursery together from 1 year. They were super close, I was close with mums. When they started primary i remember being devastated they weren't all in the same class (school had multiple reception classes).
Now, 2 years on none of them have stayed friends and although the mums are still friendly, the GC has definitely dried up!
Going to the same school absolutely doesn't guarantee the friendships will remain so i wouldn't worry.

About a million years ago now, but when I went to a private school I kept in touch with my ‘local friends’ through brownies etc.

So - that could be something to look at, a class at the weekend with her previous friends if you’re really keen to keep up the friendships.