Starting new prep - not gelling with other parents?

[Anteater8]

Hi all,

We have recently moved from NE London to SW London for our child to start school. She had the settling in afternoon and we have been left a bit befuddled and want to know if this is normal (she is our first child so first experience of this!).

The EFYS and reception teachers who we met during the tour last year have all changed and we didn't get an opportunity to meet the new ones (beyond a cursory hello to the new teacher). The parents WhatsApp has been set up with all class reps already being chosen from those who attended the attached nursery, which makes for quite a cliquey start in the group, and some of the messages from said reps are coming across as bossy, like the rest of us are expected to fall into line, and we are not looking forward to this being the parents we will be with for the next seven years. Also not sure if the type of person is simply representative of the SW London area we have moved into.

We are a bit unsettled, and not sure to what extent the above is all normal and basically we need to give our heads a wobble versus maybe checking out where else has space for reception this September.

Any experiences are very welcome!

Are you possibly reading too much into it? I could imagine that whoever volunteered for class rep reception year did so because they are already at the school either through the nursery or because they have siblings up the school so feel comfortable with what’s expected. Unless you volunteered and got turned down I don’t see why you’d object. They could have even been the only applicant for all you know! You won’t have experienced the joy yet but class whatsapp groups are notorious for getting out of hand. IDK what you mean by bossy but any chance the rep is just being proactive to set some boundaries about what the group is intended for so they don’t end up being treated like a union rep whilst the actual useful information gets lost in a sea of noise?!

Have you met anyone in person yet? I’m sure it’ll be really different to the bloody whatsapp group and they’ll be lovely. My kids are at a SW London prep and I think I’m nice. Ha! Also if it helps when my DD was in reception by the time Christmas rolled around I’d honestly forgotten who was in the nursery and who wasn’t.

It doesn’t sound great that there’s been changeover of ALL the EYFS staff, do you mean they’ve all left or more like 2 are on mat leave, 1 has moved to Y1 sort of thing? But FWIW DS’s new teacher is coming back from mat leave so wasn’t teaching this academic year so I haven’t met her yet. DD is going into Y4 and has the same this year.

Thanks @Bitzee, Very possibly reading too much into it! It probably doesn't help that I had chosen to turn a blind eye to the (very academic, top tier) aimed destination schools as I really liked the head of EYFS and the general approach of the school, despite not wanting our child to go to those schools, and these parents seem in line with the ethos of the destination schools. The head of EYFS and one reception teacher have moved on to new roles elsewhere, one reception teacher remains.

The class reps were chosen before we had any interaction - they presented themselves as next year's reps. The new non-nursery parents have all met, but we won't meet anyone else until school starts in September. There is also space in quite a few other schools nearby still so having that option is turning my head.

I think what matters is what happens in the classroom! The social relationships between parents is just an extra, opt out of that stuff because f you don’t like them. Is your child happy there?

You’re massively overthinking this. Turn up the first day. Be open, don’t wang on about North London and you’ll be fine.

@Sandysandyfeet we haven't started yet so TBC. She did not enjoy nursery at all so we want this to be different. I think I'm questionning both the school, given its changes, and the parents, and how indicative they are of their children. Not much time to resolve it given the Sept start coming up

You are overthinking. You have to remember, your child’s education is 100% about them. It’s not about you and how well you get on with the other parents.

what do the messages say? Can you share them? Like other posters said, it’s likely the reps have already been through this and have kids already at the school. It’s very useful as they will be able to answer dozens of mundane questions you’ll have the first term about what’s expected.

Who did you want the class reps to be chosen from? People whose child hasn’t started at the school?

I would strongly suggest not making such a big deal about school and the school parenting clique. The attitude of a couple of parents in the class WhatsApp are neither here nor there. Just silence the group and check at your leisure if you must - there will be nothing useful before mid August anyway, just loads of people wanging on about how many school shirts to buy little Freddie/ people trying to preemptivrly set up play dates etc etc.

Chances are your child will be fine in school. You might meet some nice parents, you might not. It doesn’t really matter as long as your child is happy, and you don’t want them starting school with the subliminal message that mum and dad are a bit unsure about school and/ or the other kids/parents. Unbridled enthusiasm is the way to go. If it doesn’t work out after a year or so, you can switch. Primary rolls are falling so places aren’t in such short supply any more.

Class WhatsApps can be a mixed bag. Some years they're quite relaxed and other years they are full of grumbles and constant instructions and reminders. Some class reps take their role more seriously than others! There main use is information that you may miss or need reminding about eg 'don't forget tomorrow they all have to go dressed as dinosaurs!' Type thing. Also the class rep usually does the donkey work for teachers gifts, which is one less job!

Don't read too much into them. My only advice is to stay out of any grumbles that get posted - don't get dragged into any drama or negatively. At my dc's school, there were some teachers / friends of teachers in the group and grumbles got reported back which is not the best feedback loop!

Kindly OP, this isn’t about you or your relationship with the other parents. It’s about whether this is the right school for your DD. Your priorities sound totally skewed and you are worrying about the wrong things.

We chose DD’s prep because it was small with great facilities, extra curricular activities and academic results. Gaining a good group of mum friends was simply a bonus

You are overthinking. Class WhatsApp groups are a pain in the arse, there's a gazillion 'funny' memes and videos about them doing the rounds. You need to be positive about it so your child picks up on it and also has a positive attitude to school.
This isn't about you making friends or gelling with parents - it's your child's school, it's up to them to make friends.

It’s absolutely standard for existing parents to be in place as class reps, were you hoping for an election?

You can put yourself forward next year but I’d be grateful to those parents for taking on the thankless task.

My concern is that I've chosen the wrong school, something too pushy and with staff turnover, and this WhatsApp group has been an insight into parents at the school. Points taken though, I shouldn't see the parents as indicative of their children.

And yes, I would have expected one (of multiple) class rep to be from the group of new parents so they could have an insight into what the new parents need to know / do not know. Again, perhaps that's my naivety.

Every school has staff turnover. It is not a reflection of a problem, unless there is a mass exodus across all years and subjects. Also, I don't know what school you are at, but if there has been a recent change of head or a new one coming then staff turnover is a natural result of that. Happens everywhere, and in my opinion, not a reason to pull the rip cord on a school before you start. The new staff might be excellent, you are making a pre-judgement that they are not.

RE: pushy parents & class rep. I think it is understandable that a parent who is at the nursery or has children higher up in the school be chosen. You will actually find that very useful as you will have someone on hand who has done it all before and can advise on the school quirks or intricacies. As to them being 'bossy' - with respect, I think you are reading too much in to their text messages. Sounds like they are just organised. As a parent, you are free to be as pushy or as relaxed as you like. You can partake in the whatsapp chat, or you can put your phone on mute and go about your day as you please.

Your expectation to find friends, connect with people personally, have a one to one meeting with the teacher all on the one welcome day is a bit unreasonable. Give the other parents and the school a chance.

I would definitely ask to meet the new teacher and the new head of EYFS, even if they are currently in other schools you should definitely have a chance to meet them and chat about their approach and values and your child’s particular strengths and weaknesses for 15 minutes. If that’s not available I would question if the school is going to be good value educationally.
The class whatsapp groups will be similar everywhere in my experience, there will be great parents and ones you dont get on with so much. All the class reps here have kids in older years, just easier for everyone if it’s someone who already knows the system.

Entirely agree if there was only one class rep it should be an existing parent, but there are two per class in a small school so to not have at least one be a new parent and have them chosen before the new parents come aboard seems odd to me - seems I am wrong to feel that way.

You’re not wrong, you want to included and that’s ok! I understand the worries. Could they have had 1 new and 1 ongoing parent… absolutely! But it hasn’t worked out that way, so I’d keep it the way it is and see what other roles/ changes are available throughout the year.

Unfortunately, all schools are cliquey! Whether it’s from the start or with new joiners. But you will find parents that you will get on with….mostly happens from whoever your child makes friends with. As time moves on, you’ll find your own group too. IME, the children are not necessarily indicative of their parent’s personality.

Being bossy- ignore it or find it as a blessing, it’s work that you won’t have to do…I always mute the group every now and again tbh.

There should be a parent’s evening early into the term to meet, but feel free to arrange a meeting like the other poster said.
GL

@555Stars thank you! I have found your response incredibly comforting... true thanks!

Both my DC went to prep, both from nursery. My advice is chill out. Teachers change, if they haven’t started the school yet you wouldn’t be able to meet them, that’s what parents evenings are for. The reps will be from those who were at nursery, no big deal. Class reps can come across as bossy and that’s because nothing ever gets done if they aren’t. All the enthusiasm for parental involvement dies out after the first year and then it’s hard going even getting summer fair stall set up.
when school starts in the first part of the term there will probably be a coffee morning and/or a parents dinner organised, go to that, get to know the other parents in the class. Job done.
My advice is be realistic about how much to involve yourself in the PTA. You can easily get into a situation where you end up spending a lot of time on it.
Full disclosure: I found it best to float around on the periphery, volunteered for summer fairs and stuff, went to some coffee mornings, got on with everyone and did not get involved in the drama.

Yes just mute the WhatsApp groups if they get annoying - that’s what I do 😂

In my experience a lot of class reps ARE bossy - latest one for year 9 was a rep who set up a collection for end of year teacher gifts, suggested a donation of £20 each, and then only signed the card from kids whose parents had paid rather than the whole class 🙄

That said, reps can be invaluable. Repped myself years ago and it is a fair amount of work!

Why on earth would you need a class rep in secondary school?

@Cappuccino5 - my thoughts exactly. Private school with a highly strung parent body 😂

Completely normal for the card accompanying a teacher present to be only signed by the children whose parents contributed money to buy the present — it’s not a card from the whole class, it’s a card showing who the present is from!

If you wanted to send a general card from the whole class, I’m sure you were at liberty to do so.

my grand daughter is at a sw prep, finishing yr 6 this week...
my dd and son in law quickly found out the class what's app and rep's caused more stress than was worth it. lots of gossip and nit picking. some nasty shit over the years make the rep in the middle between friendship groups (other parents) and admin.
with younger grand son in yr 3, the what's app and rep are avoided like the plague.
please do not judge a school by the rep/what's app/or parental social calendar.
be polite but stay one step back.