Child hitting in reception

[JellyOnAPlatewithicecream]

My DC started reception in September at an all through private school. He previously had issues at preschool (different place) with behaviour towards other children (snatching/teasing etc) but not violence. They were concerned and refer him to the community paediatrician to be assessed for autism/ADHD etc. The person we saw did an initial assessment and said she didn't have concerns (that she thought it was normal 3/4 year-old behaviour etc) so he didn't go on to have the full assessment and was discharged.

Thought he might grow out of it and be better when at school and more stimulated etc. But after a few weeks the incidents started and I've had multiple phone calls home from teachers about him hitting/scratching/pushing/being difficult with teachers/using objects to him children.. we've been called in to a meeting with them (they were very nice and focussed on how we / they could help him etc). But it's carried on into this year too and seems to be getting worse.

I really don't know what to do. His dad and I are separated and I think he has anger around that, but still don't think that's the full picture. Also he doesn't tick a lot of the main signs of autism (not an expert but from what I've read) so not sure if it's that really.

My questions are, does anyone have any advice, and how likely do you think it is he'll eventually be asked to leave the school? We did look around a small and very nurturing prep school and I'm now wondering if that might be better suited to him. Or maybe it'll make no difference at all!!? Or would state school be better (I can't see how a bigger class size and more stretched teachers would help the matter, but again am no expert!)

TIA

What's he like at home with you?

He's mostly fine, but does sometimes get cross and hit / kick me.

@JellyOnAPlatewithicecream What have you found to be the best way to deal with that? I was wondering whether there was something in particular that sets him off, and what you do about it.

Hmm it's a good question. Quite random things can set him off, usually if something's not going his way / I say no to him / trying to get him to do something he doesn't want to do.

I generally just say don't do that it's not nice to hit / I don't like that etc.

With other children it seems to be if they aren't doing what he wants them to do/how he wants them to do it, or if they are in his way he gets cross and lashes out. I think he finds it difficult to know how to join in too. In general he much prefers adult company. He took quite a long time to learn the other children's names as well (not sure how unusual that is)

The school problems do often seem to be the day after he's stayed at his dad's house, so may have to stop the mid week sleep overs. Although he didn't stay there when he was at preschool and we still had issues.

It's so annoying as he's doing well with his learning and it feels like this is sabotaging and over shadowing his good points!

Hard to tell OP, I think in the UK they are reluctant to diagnose at that age as some kids do hit, etc and grow out of it.
My son is 4 and has high functioning ASD diagnosed at 3), I suspected at 2 as there were alot of other signs (fussy eating, favourite niche topics, memorising books, bit different to his friends, sensory issues -noise, smell, touch)

We had problems with aggressive behaviour between 2 and 4 and still do but they have lessened alot. At age 3 (pre diagnosis) he went to a preschool and we had alot of back and forth with the school about his behaviour (being aggressive, disruptive, etc). After 4 months we took him out and moved him to a small preschool (mainstream) and we haven't had any issues. We found he struggled in a big classroom and preferred smaller class sizes.

My advice to you is something which my son's psychologist asked us to do and its quite helpful to understand what's behind your sons behaviour, are there any patterns, what's the trigger?
We keep a diary for 2 weeks and record every meltdown/incident. Write what the environment was like when it happened, where you were, time of day, what was happening before the event. What happened during and after.
For us we worked out that most of the undesirable behaviour was in the afternoon, exacerbated by tiredness or illness. Triggers were transitions mainly (getting dressed, leaving the house, going somewhere). If it's happening at school, ask him about it, try to work out what the trigger is. Ask the school to keep a record.

Yes 100% independent mainstream can off role a child when they don’t fit into their school. You are not protected. Especially when it’s behaviour based / hurting other children. Plus when it’s open days they don’t want a disruptive child on their school grounds.

I’d pay for an EP to visit the school and check it out to report back to you. The teachers / sencos won’t know what to look out for even the most experienced ones (been fobbed off far too many times)

It’s all about the people and the environment.

That’s the first step.

You can apply for an EHCP to get 1 to 1 for your child but that’s a fight and prob take 1.5 yrs

I would defo check out the other school you mentioned

Yes children are better protected with sen in the state system (but then there are issues within that too)

Not sure if they do it but Lego therapy / animal therapy might be helpful for your son
Time chatting with someone

Reading this has made me think to my nephew.

Has always hit out, full hideous violent outbursts, he is the same age roughly as your DC.

Yes there has been severe trauma. He is in mainstream school and for a while they thought they couldn't keep him.

He was suspended for 2x days after destroying the classroom, hitting the teacher, unsafe for the other children. They suspended him so they could figure out a plan to move forward. This was in reception, he is now in year 1.

The school has been amazing, he has a full 1:1 which I presume is funded by the L.A. However he has not been diagnosed / labelled with any kind of adhd/aud.

The school has even managed to get him therapy for the severe trauma. It's extreme baby steps, but at one point my DB was going to give him up it was so bad, I couldn't have him in my house as he would attack the dog, trash my house etc so he was the same at home.

My own DC is in private school and I know they would provide 100% this solution BUT at an additional and heafty cost. The L.A are taking the cost for my nephew.

Not to drip feed, my SIL took her own life. Nephew was only 2.5, so severe trauma, he is now just about to turn 6.

Hang in there OP, it will and can get better.

Oh and to add, in private school, once they've tried and it doesn't show improvement they will absolutely ask for a child to leave as it's too disruptive for the other children.

Parents of the other children just won't put up with it either.

I'm mortified for what my DB went through, was squared up to by another angry parent (understandably if it was your child that had been attacked, think full nail digging)

My DB made the decision to disclose my SIL taking her life, parents have been only slightly more empathetic

I don’t think a change of school will help tbh.

I agree with the EP assessing him route and I would ensure there is a consistent consequence for hurting others (sounds obvious but my DN is autistic and there is no consequence at home or even a ‘we don’t bite people’ conversation).

How is his speech and communication? I have found that frustration at not being about to communicate fully lead to violence in reception and speech therapy helped a lot, no autism diagnosis.

His speech is very good. Preschool commented that he had a very wide vocabulary. Slightly monotone speech though (picked up by preschool too and put on his referral form).

Thanks for the advice, what is a EP?

EP Educational Psychologist.

I doubt his behaviour is unusual and may be down to immaturity or insecurity which will pass. However the school may decide not to tolerate it, especially as other parents may complain. Ask them what interventions they are putting in place and reinforce it at home.

What are the consequences you put in at home when he attacked you ? You said you tell him no , but what else have you tried?

edited to say no judgement in my comment, it will help to give more context over his behaviour and if he is SEN

Controlling behaving towards you / others can be typical ASD so maybe push for an assessment too.

IF and only a IF it’s ASD then you will probably find out adhd / SPD etc ….

school can made adjustments for uniform wool blazer, long socks, tie etc.

Try and find triggers. You can fund a 1 to 1 for your child in private but it’s £££££.

Id be tempted to look for a more nurturing school if they are not being helpful.

Good luck it’s hard

I think you need clearer consequences at home. A four year old hitting or kicking his mum is not ok.

I'd try explaining that it's not ok and then calmly removing a privilege. If he does it when you are at play dates or in the park, remove him from the situation and take him home.

He needs to understand clearly that if he lashes out, he will lose some fun.

If there is a suspicion of SEN (monotone voice, social communication issues, need for control etc all jump out at me) then I would strongly consider moving him to a state primary school.

Independent/private schools can and do withdraw places from children.

He's honestly not too bad at home. The last time I remember him melting down was towards the end of the Christmas holidays when he was tired and overwhelmed/lack of routine. He doesn't often hit etc.

It's mainly just a problem where there are lots of children (ie school/preschool)

Have you had his hearing tested? I know his speech is clear so unlikely, but worth testing just to rule out, especially if it’s often happening when there are lots of people. Sight test too.

Does it happen mostly at the end of the day or end of the week - if so then tiredness will be playing a huge part. Is there a reason he might be more tired than others (this could include snoring/sleep apnoea, low immune so lots of bugs, gastro issues/allergies, iron deficiency, hypermobility). Is it happening before meals - if so then again is there a reason he’s extra hungry.

I would rule out any physical reasons like these before considering SEN

I had a similar experience with DC1 at private school. We had a lot of support and sympathy from the school but it helped that we had a medical reason why she was extra tired/emotionally immature and so more likely to be lashing out.

It does seem to be more at the end of the week.. although there have been some incidents at the beginning of the week too. He stays at his dad's for a night mid week and I'm wondering if this isn't helping...

Although he didn't do the mid week sleep over when in preschool and we still had issues!!

How is his sleep routine at his Dad’s vs at home? I wonder if he’s getting enough rest.

How much do you let him
Have his own way? Sometimes parents don't realise how much they are agreeing with their child just to keep the peace. Does he have to do things he doesn't want to do at home?
If he's hitting you and nothing is happening apart from a talking to then there doesn't seem to be a consequence.
Is there any consequence for him at home for hurting others at school? Some will say there shouldn't be, he's too young etc but actually having a consequence at home might make him think twice about it unless he has needs that mean he can't control himself.

The other children need to feel safe at school so how have school
Suggested they deal with his behaviour?

He gets his own way quite a lot at home, I do often give into him to avoid a battle as it's just me and I sometimes just don't have the energy. He also gets his own way at his grandparents too.

Probably do need to start being a bit more strict. I've said to him this evening that he's going to start seeing consequences if I hear about anymore hitting/bad behaviour at school, and that it's really serious he must not do it.

We'll see if that helps!

His dad says he's usually asleep by 7pm, but yet he seems quite tired the next day - what can you do, he's either lying or there's some other reason he's finding it tiring...

Do need to sort it out asap as I think they might start having conversations about him not being able to stay? It's an all through school and I was hoping he'd stay there until sixth form - looking unlikely he'll be staying past reception at this point! 😔

No those conversations will happen with you. Do you think he grasps your talk about behaviour and consequences? Be proactive with school , ask advice rather then try to sort it independently. Would ex attend a meeting with you?

Yes I think he does understand it. He initiated a pinky promise (I didn't teach him this!) and said that I wouldn't hear about anymore hitting for the 'rest of his school life'. He even came up with some suggestions for things I could take away if he did do any bad behaviour (bike etc).

We had a meeting last term and they've asked for another one next week which we'll both go to.